How We Misunderstand Each Other in Relationships

How We Misunderstand Each Other in Relationships

To love is to misunderstand. No matter how much we love our partners, we still won’t always understand them. In fact, most people in relationships spend lots of time trying to understand each other. And there are reasons for that.

How Our Intense Feelings of Connection Set Us Up for Misunderstanding

We misunderstand each other even more aggressively when we feel an intense closeness being disrupted.

When we couple, we are often completely taken with the person who is right for us. They give us a feeling of knowing each other in a way that is so inviting. It might even feel as if we have finally come home.

This is the most beautiful feeling ever. But after a while we start to see that our perfect mate does not understand us as much as we thought. Then the challenges begin. We might even get mad at our mate because they don’t get us the way we thought they did.

This is common too. We all fall into believing that we are one love unit, until we fall out of that perfect place and then we just react. Some of us get mad at our mates. Some of us take it personally and wonder what we might have done wrong.

We Have to Grow to Reduce Misunderstanding

To misunderstand less, we have to grow as people and change our habits.

All of us suffer in some ways after the bliss. So, what to do about this? Well there is a whole lot of understanding and growth awaiting you. Oh, and I forgot to mention, there’s also the most secure and pleasurable place you could imagine.

But there is a tradeoff. When we learn new skills, we often have to leave our old habits behind. Our old habits are what prevent us from evolving into our loving self with our special person.

Now, our old habits are important. I know they got you this far and that without them… well, we just don’t know what would have happened. But now that you have found the person you want to be with, you might want to think about how you can become a good mate.

Reduce Misunderstandings in Your Relationship By Putting Yourself in Your Partner’s Position

To misunderstand each other less, put yourself in your partner's shoes.

This is different than operating from your old behaviors that get you what you want. I know those habits are important, but there are new habits you might want to work with to improve the interactions between you and your beloved.

And that’s a good place to start. If you get upset with your mate, do you ever think about what it feels like to receive your upset behavior? If you can in this moment, you might say to yourself, “Wow, I was harsh.”

I know that was how I had to become retrained. I grew up with a lot of disappointment and that disappointment led to me screaming when I got upset. I carried this habit into my relationship. My person did now grow up the way I did. He didn’t show his upset and yell.

So, I was pretty alone in my behavior. Eventually I started to understand that when I yelled at him, I hurt him. And that was a big moment for me. Slowly I started to dial back my anger and eventually I pulled it in pretty well.

Making Amends Is Key to Coming Back from Misunderstandings

If we misunderstand each other and it escalates into a fight, it's important to apologize as soon as we can.

I still get my feelings hurt, and when I am in my feelings and not able to see what I am doing, well that happens occasionally too. But what I have become really good at is noticing what it is I do when I am upset. And if I hurt my mate, I will say when I am calm, “I am sorry I got so big.”

My words tell him he is important to me and I get that sometimes I fall off. That’s it, just fall off. But see what I do: I come right back. And it is the getting back that all of us crave.

Face your habits. You are in control of them, not the other way around.

Misunderstand Each Other Less, Starting Today!

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Want to reduce misunderstanding in your relationship and bounce back faster from disagreements? Try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you develop critical skills for communicating and resolving conflict, helping you fight less and feel closer to one another. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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