How Our Healing Starts with Us


Healing starts within us, from the heart, as shown by the man pictured.

When we get mad at our mates, we fall into one of three different categories. We might yell or get mad and stomp around; we might stuff our feelings and not say anything; or we might simply leave.

Each of these methods express our disappointment with what happened. It’s likely that we learned these habits when we were young, and now that we are mixing it up with our partners, we use them often.

Do Yelling, Sulking, or Leaving Meet Our Needs?

Ask yourself how yelling, leaving, or sulking (like the woman pictured) meet your needs.

If we yell at our mate, we are trying to tell them that they hurt us. We aren’t effective, because no one ever listens to a mad person. If we stuff our feelings, we hold them inside of ourselves and then we figure out what happened, and we do this alone. If we leave then we are getting away from the pain inside of us, like running from a fire.

There are reasons that we do what we do. I understand that. But each of these techniques do not get us what we really need, and that is our healing. We have these habits because we didn’t learn healing as a young person.

We aren’t going back to the time when we were young to fix anything, we are working with what is happening to us right now. These situations that occur in many relationships do not lead to our healing.

Self-Examine to Find the Path Towards Healing

Self-reflecting, like the woman pictured, might help shed light on how you're feeling, why you do what you do, and what you really need.

And healing is what we all need so we don’t have to play out these themes any more. I never liked yelling. I didn’t like myself when I yelled. But I didn’t know or have any idea that there were other things I could do.

But after years of my own therapy and getting into a relationship with my husband to be, I wanted to figure out another way. My anger just separated me from the person I loved. If I didn’t move my anger aside, I couldn’t get close.

So, I began to look at myself in a different way. And this is what I would invite you to do. I know you are a good person and you are probably doing things when you get upset at your mate that you might wish you didn’t.

How to Heal After You’ve Been Upset

Talking it out, like this happy gay couple, is a great way to heal from hurt.

So, let’s start with you. You deserve to be heard when your feelings get hurt. You deserve to let the person know what happened to you so they can understand what they did and how it hurt you. This is where the healing happens.

But we must slow down and reveal something about ourselves that we might not have ever looked at. And that is our vulnerable side. When we get mad, that just covers our pain. The pain is what is important. You got hurt. This is important.

We have to learn that our feelings matter. Your feelings matter. Your mate probably wants to know what they did so they won’t do that thing again. But if we beat up on them or stuff our feelings or leave, they never know how to improve or what happened to you.

Opening Up and Vulnerability Are Key to Healing

Opening up and being vulnerable, by offering your heart as pictured, can help your partner see what's going on. They'll often want to help you feel better, without being asked, once they understand.

Even if you have never revealed these feelings before, I can promise you this. The first time instead of yelling I was crying, my husband-to-be rushed to my side and held me, and that was the beginning of my healing. He could find empathy for me and he wanted to know what happened to me.

This turn around takes some time, but it is the best thing to happen to us. We become whole, in a way that feels a lot better. And the best part is we start liking ourselves a lot more, and that brings us closer to our loving parts. And in case you didn’t know this, we all have them.

Want to Improve Communication in Your Relationship?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel closer, more connected, and more loved. Give it a read.

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Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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