All of us grow up and believe that when we meet our person we will live eternally happy. This is a wonderful fantasy. But that is not the reality of most couples.
If you are in a relationship then you know that your relationship started out so great and then became a little more difficult. And that is the story of most relationships. Only we don’t think about this part when we fall in love.
Do You Blame Yourself?
Some of us blame our partners when things do not go right. Some of us even blame ourselves when things are not great. If you blame yourself, this article is for you.
It is common to look at ourselves and want to do things better. Sometimes we push ourselves and sometimes we are pretty brutal to ourselves. Maybe you have a very tough critic that lives inside of you that gets active when you don’t approve of what you have done.
And if you do then it might be almost impossible for you to forgive yourself when you have made a misstatement or a mistake. And this is what I want to talk with you about.
Be Kind by Evaluating Yourself Based on Intentions, Not Outcomes
I know you try to do things well. I met a lady recently who tries so hard, but for whatever reason she is unable to make her beloved happy. This weighs on her and makes her feel hopeless.
I want to encourage you and others if you feel that you just aren’t able to do things right to please your partner, to think about how you treat yourself. You are a precious person to think about making your partner happy.
This is your intention. You don’t stop being a good person just because your good intentions and actions don’t land well. You are still wonderful.
I see it. Can you see it? If you can, think about how you treat yourself when whatever you do doesn’t land well and fix the problem. You might feel so bad you can’t even talk. Even so, you probably talk to yourself. And what you say is probably not very pretty.
You might curse at yourself, or make yourself feel really terrible. Is it possible for you to think about doing something different?
See the Good in You and Treat Yourself Kindly
Can you treat yourself with kindness? Can you treat yourself with the tenderness you deserve? Do not war with yourself. Try and see your efforts as worthy. You are still learning in this relationship, that’s all.
Don’t give up on yourself. You are the person your beloved loves. You are the person they chose. And you are the one they want.
And if they see all the goodness in you, can you try and just see a little bit of that truth in yourself? It might go a long way to lifting your spirits. You are good. Try and remember that. Treat yourself with care, you know, the same care you give to your partner.
Communicate More Openly in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to better connect with your partner, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you communicate in gentle ways that help you feel and stay open with each other, so you can feel more connected and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.
[Heading image by Riccardo Mion.]