Coping with anger in relationships can be difficult. You love each other, but you still get angry. So how can you love each other one minute, but be so angry in the next? Here’s how to weather the fury and come out in one piece.
Why Do We Rage in Relationships, Against Our Loved Ones?
Most of us are pretty easy going. We have lives that we manage. We might go to work or school and we make out there OK too. So why is it that when we have a disagreement with our partner, the one we love the most, we see RED and want to take their head off?
I know when I feel misunderstood or dismissed by my husband it is a terrible pain. It feels as if he is doing it on purpose. I know logically that is not true. He loves me and does not want to see me upset. In fact, I bet if he knew every pitfall he was about to step into that would make me unhappy, he’d get out a roadmap and avoid them. He doesn’t want to make me upset. I believe your partner feels the same way.
Coping with Anger is a Necessary Skill, Because People WILL Get Mad
But upsets happen anyway, despite good intentions. We, as humans, get upset. And when we get upset at our mate it can feel as if it’s the most stunning violation in the world. It never gets any easier. The same feelings get evoked and I know when it happens to me I always feel the same misery.
If my feelings could talk they might say, “How could you make me feel so bad?” Maybe your feelings would say something similar. It’s funny as I see these phrases. They really don’t make any sense, feelings don’t talk. But it’s true, the feelings always feel the same. It just feels terrible.
Rage is Proportionate to Pain
Some of us feel so badly we can’t hold it in. Some of us just have to let the person who hurt us know how deeply we were wounded. If this is you, and it still is me a little, (I have been working on it), It’s kind of terrible to live here too. We don’t get pleasure in raging against someone, especially the person who we love.
We don’t do this in our life outside the relationship, why do we spend so much energy getting mad at the person we are in relationship with? We don’t like this part of the relationship. We like it when it’s peaceful and we feel loved. We don’t want these situations, and there they are. Right in front of us.
Coping with Anger: Prevent Your Feelings from Clouding Your Understanding
Unfortunately, relationships include mishaps, misunderstandings and disappointments. This is how life is. Sometimes the problem includes our delusion of expecting a certain kind of behavior from our partner. We might say to our self, “If she, or he could only have said it this way, or if he or she could have only not said what they said or did what they did.” We are always wishing it was different, always hoping our mate could be better.
It’s a complicated situation when there are feelings involved. And when are feelings not involved? They are always with us. We love our mate when we feel good feelings. We distance from or despise our mate when our feelings are hurt. This is the saga of EVERY relationship. This doesn’t mean stay unhappy. It means understand that this is the pattern and texture that people deal with in their lives.
Confidence and Understanding Help You Cope with Anger and Let Your Relationship Thrive
There are successful relationships. These are the ones where people don’t complain about their mate. And they have learned something else too. They have created a built-in belief that they will overcome whatever mishap they encounter. They have an understanding, and they both know they will get through this one too. That’s having confidence that you are in a good place and can handle the difficulty that comes. When both of you live here, it decreases the madness between the two of you.
No relationship is without discord. Just make yours manageable. You just might rage less and you will probably feel better. Now that’s improvement.
Get a Helping Hand in Coping with Anger
Read a Book About Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Improving your communication might help you or your partner blow up less, and it might help you better cope with anger in your relationship. Try reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. You might just find new peace and happiness in your relationship. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.