I was walking my little dog the other day. She is about 12 pounds, a white Maltese, one of those soft fluffy animals that look like they could be stuffed. She is sweet beyond sugar and one of the nicest dogs I have ever met.
So when she spied a squirrel and began to tug on the leash, foaming at the mouth and growl I thought, “Who is this animal? This is not my little Molly.”
Changing little habits can make you feel better. The transition may feel strange, but stick with it and you just might be happier for it. Even something small can make a big difference in your day.
Earlier this month I made a minor decision. I decided to do something about my garage door opener placement in my car. I had become uncomfortable with the opener attached to the visor because the visor doesn’t sit flush with the roof of the car when pushed all the way up. The visor would droop a few inches because of the opener. I found myself pushing on the visor when ever I was driving to see if it would stay up. It was starting to drive me mad.
I saw this young couple walking down the street. The woman reached up and kissed her man on the mouth while continuing their pace. He joined her in the quick kiss and when he pulled his head back he wore the biggest smile. That looked like love. And they probably both felt it in that moment.
It’s easy for most of us to know when we feel love, but how do you tell and how do you know when you are loved? I was thinking about this concept the other day. I wondered because in my own experience sometimes I don’t feel very lovable.
Feeling unloved is tough. I have some good news and some bad news about it. First, the bad news: it’s incredibly common. The good news is that even if you feel unlovable, there’s lots of hope, and signs of being loved might just be right under your nose.
As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery. The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship. This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client. Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another? What would happen to the relationship?” These types of questions played out in this person’s mind. The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.
This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern. Then during a recent session I noticed something new. The anguish was gone. There was no more worry from the client. There was a greater sense of calm.
How did this happen? The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it. Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound. This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change. This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing. This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.
This takes courage and self control. This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur. This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy. I was surprised and grateful.
I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering. The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen. The client let go of trying to do anything. The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen. And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.
I often talk a lot about being present. Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad. Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails. What we learn is to trust in ourselves. We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.
This is true freedom. This allows for real happiness. We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome. When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do. And somehow that seems to be just enough.
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Wow, what a good question. Do I need a therapist? How many of us have ever wondered if we do? How many times have we just thought that life felt too overwhelming for us and maybe, just maybe, someone could help us figure it out? Probably a lot of us have thought this at some time or another, and why not? Living can be complicated.
And that’s just one of the reasons people call on a therapist. Here are some more thoughts that could lead someone to wonder if they need one. It’s not uncommon for people to say to me, “I’m not sure what to do next, I feel stuck.” “I am sad about my life and don’t know what to do.” “I am always mad at my boyfriend and feel unhappy.” These may sound like every day occurrences, and they are. But what is an anthill for one person could become a mountain for another. Maybe there’s a problem at work, or with one or both of your parents. Any of these issues could make a person wonder about seeing a therapist and getting some counseling.
Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help people sort out their difficulties. That’s our skill set and that’s what we do. We help people look at their struggles. We help people understand their thoughts about those struggles. Then we help people understand their feelings about the struggles. For most people this is a new opportunity to explore one’s self.
Some people hold on to the notion that they should be able to figure themselves out. They can’t imagine allowing a stranger into their world. But sometimes the discomfort of not knowing how to fix a problem can lead someone straight into therapy. And here is the good news; through therapy people get better! Yup, people learn how to understand themselves, and that allows for all kind of new experiences in life. When we understand what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want, we can then learn how to ask for what we like, or say no when we’re confronted with something we don’t like. For most people this is the key to feeling good in life; knowing what will make you happy.
Through therapy people also learn they can’t always control their surroundings or how people should react. Expecting people to act a certain way can lead to stress and aggravation. Becoming disappointed because things don’t work out the way you think they should doesn’t have to be a way of life. Through counseling people learn that they may not be able to control their surroundings or other people but they can control how they act. That can lead to increased self worth and that’s freedom.
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We all do it, assess where we are each year and vow to improve in the coming one. Many of us are probably having the conversation with ourselves right now. We might even be thinking about how to improve our relationships, and maybe we are thinking of how we can be a better partner to our mate. Whatever you may be considering, let’s look at the changes differently this year. Why not make 2011 your breakout year, and your best yet?
I’m talking about making meaningful changes. I want to tell you about an old friend. His name is Bill Clark and he made significant changes for himself yearly, and he started it off with a ritual. Bill took stock of his life every New Years day. He would begin the year with an early morning run. It would always be a number of miles somewhere around ten, more than he usually ran during the year. He would tell me about doing this before the day arrived, as if to make sure he would really do it. And he always did.
Now when I think about making changes, or as a couples counselor helping other people make changes, I am reminded of Bill and I’m glad. He reminds me to value a tradition, doing something with vigor because it’s important. Beginning again, no matter how big or small deserves to be celebrated. We all deserve to be celebrated. That’s what I get from Bill’s devotion to new beginnings. He would challenge himself with a physical act, but what he was giving himself was the gift of new beginnings.
For Bill, accomplishing a big endeavor was just what he needed. This was his wakeup call and a reminder to him that he had the ability to change his life. He did it with a big reminder. The rest of us can do it by just telling ourselves we want to.
You may not be a runner, and even though I put in a few miles ever week there is no way I will be running ten miles, but I may do something else. I may decide to make a statement in another way. I might make a vow to myself, and I may tell others. It could go something like this, “I plan to have a year of being more loving to_______.” There’s something significant about saying something like this to ourselves. There is also value is saying it to others.
Maybe your relationships aren’t as great as you would like them to be. Maybe you dream of being in a more nurturing relationship with your spouse. Why not take it upon yourself and do something different for 2011. You have the power to change you. You have the ability to decide you want to treat your partner differently. You can create the environment you wish to live in. Yes, you.
Maybe your partner loves it when you make them coffee in the morning, or wash the dishes. Tell yourself this is the year I will pick something that pleases her and do it for her. Do this because it will make your partner feel good. Do this and I promise you, you will feel good too.
New Years resolutions can be difficult. Some of us have tried for years to; lose weight, get into shape, stay in touch with friends, travel, save money etc. There are lots of ways we think we can do better. I like to think of this time of year as a fresh start. Your new beginning and you can make it anything you want. It’s like we all get to begin again, if we want to. And who doesn’t want a clean slate?
If you are in a relationship with complex issues that keep you from feeling connected, just pick one thing that you can do to make something between you easier. Don’t try and fix the whole lot, that’s too much work and might require the assistance of a counselor. But you can decide not to call her that name, the one she hates, the one that makes her mad. You can decide not to use it and try to keep from using it for all of 2011. Make it a goal. Maybe it could be something like making his favorite food, on a regular basis, not because he deserves it or was nice, but because you decide this will be something you can do. He will love you in the instant you do this. You will feel good. Resign yourself to do this without prompting because it is your change for 2011.
You know your particulars in your relationship better than anyone. Look at what you can do to make your partner happy. Find one thing. Decide it will be your one thing for 2011. Begin again, fresh start, new life; it’s all there for us. Just step into it.
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Many of us are caregivers, and it’s a job we do very well. Often we forget that WE need caregiving. Read my article in the OC Parenting Magazine and you’ll learn how to take care of yourself.
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There are many reasons why people seek counseling. One of the most common is that they are unhappy in their lives. They know something doesn’t feel right, and they long for a time, place, and feeling of something better. They can’t really describe this place but they know they want it.
These clients I’m describing are all successful. They’ve built something with their lives; careers, relationships, families. They are rooted in what they do and their responsibilities. They may be proud of their accomplishments too. Yet sometimes they say they feel like a fraud because of a hollow place inside.
I know, having changed careers to become a therapist, I’ve gone through my own challenges trying to find that better, more peaceful place that many of my clients seek. I know it’s hard to look underneath everything you have constructed and you know to be true and have lived for the last 20, 30, or 40 years.
But unhappiness is a terrific motivator. When people are unhappy in their lives they will do what they do best, look for a way out of the unhappiness. Often this search leads to counseling and that path leads to understanding the self.
What does the person want out of life? What makes the person happy? What would the person like to change? These are simple questions. Yet the answers are sometimes very hard to know, because most people are too busy with their lives to really look.
So look now at your life. Are you in a place that feels right? Are you content? Notice I’m not asking if you are happy. I know that this feeling is fleeting. It’s great to be happy. Finding what makes you happy is what I am interested in and that journey takes practice. It starts with you saying yes to you.
If you live in a place where you say to yourself “I should” before everything you do, I’ll bet you feel tired and overworked. If your way of being consists of saying “no” a lot it’s possible you experience anxiety and stress. In both these cases “self care” is probably on the back burner. Self care; I talk about this a lot. You may be saying to yourself “I don’t have time to be selfish.”
Sometimes we don’t know how to honor ourselves with self care. We may be experts at helping others, and we may be accustomed to putting our needs last. By the time we get around to taking care of ourselves we are exhausted, and we might even get mad.
I like to help people learn to attend to their needs, wants and desires. That doesn’t mean you have to ignore everything you already do in your life. It just means you make you a priority to you. You learn how to take care of yourself in a way that feels good to you. This is where you grow, like developing a new muscle. And you know that unhappiness I talked about earlier? When people find a way to take care of themselves they feel less unhappiness.
Feeling content, grounded and peaceful, I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t long for it.
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It happens to all of us.
We hold on to our thoughts and don’t say them because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We
stuff them down inside and just stay silent. We may grouse about them later with someone else, but most of the time
we don’t ever say what we intended to the person who we wanted to say it to.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common themes I come across while helping people in counseling. Most people are aware they do this, and they are not sure how to change it because it’s something they have always done…put their feelings away and take care of the other person first.
This isn’t a bad way to be, unless you are the person who isn’t saying what needs to be said and you are not getting what you need out of life. Then there might be some resentment building up because others are not realizing you haven’t had your say. When you find yourself in this condition for a long time you may be getting angry at the people who don’t seem to understand you. Then we have some work to do, and you can do it in three steps.
The first step in changing this dynamic is to REALIZE that you are not saying things when you feel them. I know there’s a real fear of something or you would already be speaking your mind. We will get to that later. The first step is to just become aware that you hold in your thoughts and feelings inside yourself and stay silent.
Once you can understand that you do this often we can move on. But to really get this you need to be in a situation where you don’t speak your mind and can then actually say to someone, “Wow, I thought… and I didn’t say anything.”
Once you can actually utter what it is that you aren’t doing, then we can look at what’s holding you back from doing it. It’s likely there is a fear about something. I believe it’s something from long ago in your past. You might have grown up being told that you don’t share your thoughts and feelings; maybe you had people in your life that yelled at you if you spoke your mind, or it could be that you were not taught to speak up about your needs and wants. What ever the reason, you probably got good training and now you are an expert at not speaking what you feel and think.
As an adult you might now worry how other people will react to you if you speak out. The second step is to gain an understanding of what you believe will happen if you do speak your mind. Will people leave? Will people hit? Will people yell? Think about what you are worried about. Try and imagine the worst reaction someone would make and then consider if you can handle it. If the answer is yes we move on to step three.
Next time you feel and think something, instead of stuffing it you are going to take a risk, try a new behavior and just SAY IT! You will survive the person’s reaction because you have already considered it.
That’s how we get rid of fear and make changes.
No one said it would be easy. I know it’s hard because you haven’t done it before. I also know it’s worth it. You will feel heard, perhaps for the first time, and that’s a new feeling you can’t afford not to experience.
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Feeling small. It’s a condition everyone experiences now and then. It can occur out of nowhere. Maybe you are in a conversation and someone talks about something you don’t know anything about. You might feel small. Or what about times when someone forgets to include you in something you wanted to be a part of. You might feel small here too. Feeling small, it happens. It happens to all of us.
I think what we’re really feeling though is disconnected from others, disconnected from someone, something or an event. I think it’s a feeling we get when we are alone and we don’t want to be. I also think it’s very, very common. We all feel this “small” feeling at times.
So what do you do about it? The first thing to do is recognize that it happens and then discover what happens to you. Get familiar with the feelings inside yourself and start to put words around it. Maybe it feels like isolation, maybe it feels lonely, perhaps it is sadness, and whatever it is, begin to label it. What you will be doing is learning about yourself, and your inner world. These are essential steps to describing what is going on inside yourself.
So why is it important to understand and label what’s happening inside? First it helps us identify what’s happening with us, so we just don’t feel so terrible. Second, when we understand what’s going on inside us we can explain it to others.
So why would you want to describe feelings of loneliness and sadness to anyone, because all these feelings get evoked because you are alone. You feel disconnected from other people. If you talk about the feelings, no matter what they are, you will be connecting, which is really what the soul is missing.
I know it’s hard to let people know when you feel these feelings. These are the kinds of feelings most of us were taught to keep hidden from others. Many of us were taught to just show happy feelings and hide the hard ones; discomfort, anger, frustration, fear, worry, sadness, guilt, shame. Few people are taught that these feelings are O.K. to reveal. Few people feel comfortable saying things like, “I feel angry at you right now,” or “I am full of sadness,” and “I feel guilty about that.” These are not things that come naturally, but when we can reveal them to others we get rid of the “small” feeling.
When we know what’s happening inside us, when we can identify our feelings, we can then learn how to express them to others. Usually when we are at this stage we are not yelling, we are calmly explaining what is going on with us. When others hear what’s happening inside us almost every time they will want to come closer. A person’s natural instinct is to move toward another when they are describing something vulnerable. That is what makes us human, our ability to move toward and help others.
So when you experience those times where you just feel left out or “small”, try and remember to turn toward another. It will lead you toward the connectedness we all crave.