Why We Get So Mad When Our Partner Forgets What We Said

As a counselor I often intervene with couples when they start to argue about who said what and who remembers what because that conversation can sometimes turn into a fight. I usually go into some sort of education to help them understand that they each have different brains, life experiences and ways of processing how information is received and stored.

This conversation helps reduce some of the tension and then we can continue our work in the session. But recently I fell victim to feeling so violated because my husband did not remember something I had told him three times!

I am happy to report that my 86 years old mother has a potential new boyfriend. He is a little older, he’s 88. The two of them went on a first date recently. He took her to dinner, (at a high end coffee shop) and then a movie, “The Secret Life of Pets”.

My mom has been single for a long time. She has been hoping to find someone special that she would like, but that hasn’t happened for a while. But the morning after the date I received an animated email from her telling me she had such a good time with Richard. She also wrote that he wants to take her out again and again and again. She said she hasn’t felt this happy being taken out and treated by someone in a long time. She just beamed.

If we are in a relationship and we ask ourselves, “Am I good to my mate?” I believe most of us would answer “yes.” I believe that we all think we are kind and caring and we do things for the person we love. I think we would all say “yes” with confidence.

But when I ask myself this question too, I know inside of me there is a part that could be better. I know there are times when I am not communicative and I just don’t say anything. During those times I could tell my husband that I love him. Or what about those times when we get our feelings hurt and we don’t even like the person we are with at that moment? Sometimes I live there too.

Can you notice how when you are in a bad mood your relationship suffers? This pretty much happens to all of us. I know it happens to me, plenty. I will feel depressed, or anxious or worried about something and then I am in some kind of mood and then no one feels good around me.

I also know that if I am in such a mood, I am usually unaware that I am in a mood in that moment. After the mood passes I can look back and see how my upset feelings really impacted the way I acted. This is good to do, notice yourself after you have had an upset.

When you read the title you might say to yourself, “I don’t do that, I don’t withhold affection or love from my person.” The truth, though, is we all do it. Every one of us who is in a relationship does it. That’s because that’s how humans act when they get their feelings hurt. We don’t love our other when we are suffering. That’s a fact.

Think about it. You and your mate are having a disagreement. You feel they did something to you. They feel you did something to them. You are both mad at the other. Are you withholding love from your person then? Of course you are. We ALL do this.

I was talking with a friend recently and he told me something very interesting. He said that the two most common words used in all of history, the two words written about the most throughout time are the following: love and freedom.

Wow, I thought. These are such profound longings that in all the words used since the beginning of modern humans, love and freedom are what people write about the most. So I think it’s only fitting that you and I explore what these mean in our relationships, and I think they are exactly what everyone is after.

We all get wounded by the people we love. This is part of being human. The hard part though, when we are in a relationship, is putting the pain between you and your partner.
And we do this almost instinctively. We get our feelings hurt and boom the wall comes up or we tell them incredibly strongly how much they hurt us.

This pattern is pervasive with couples. I see it in my therapy practice. I live it in my own life. When I am hurt I am unable to ask for what I need. My instincts are to fight. I don’t raise my fists or anything, but my insides look for someone to blame. I usually become angry on the inside after I feel hurt and I express it, sometimes loudly.

We all know what it feels like to feel love. We are also keenly aware of what is feels like when we don’t feel it. So if we know what it feels like, can we describe what it looks like? This is such a difficult question, and it’s so hard for many couples to really describe what love is. So let’s give it a go.

As I think about this, I wonder if it might be easier to describe what it is NOT. I was talking to a client recently and she was telling me how she loves her man very much. When he asks for something she goes out of her way to give it to him. For the client, this is an action of love.

Another client was telling me about a vacation where her husband was trying to make his two daughters happy by buying them everything they wanted. And they were still not happy. So I think it’s OK to look at what love isn’t in these two examples.

Doing things for your mate with the expectation that they will be happy is not love.

There are lots of reasons to get mad at the people we love. It just seems to happen, sometimes right out of the blue. We don’t plan on getting angry, but as we all know, anger can just come out of nowhere and when it does—well, watch out. Anger is not very pretty.

I know I have been working on decreasing my anger for a long time. It’s not that anger is bad. It’s just that when we say harsh things, yell, or swear at someone we love… Well, there could be a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage. I just got tired of cleaning up the mess I made when I got angry.

Some of us just do a lot in our relationships. We listen to what our partner wants. We think about their needs and we do what we can to make them feel taken care of and happy. Many of us do this just automatically because we are kind, caring people. And so, it feels terrible when it appears “my husband still isn’t satisfied” or “my wife is never happy.”

But how many of us just get exhausted doing and doing everything we can and our partner is still unhappy? They are still not satisfied with all our help. And besides not having our partner happy, we are now exhausted because we have run out of gas.

I'm retired.

Couples/Relationships Articles

Why We Get So Mad When Our Partner Forgets What We Said

Why Can’t Relationships Be Simple?

How to Be a Better Husband or Wife

How Mood Affects Our Relationships

One Reason Withholding Affection Happens in Relationships

Love and Freedom: Two Things We All Want In Relationships

Emotional Distance in Relationships & How Pain Separates Us

What Does Love Look Like? Hard Truths About Love & Giving

Why Misunderstandings Make Us Mad

My Wife is Never Happy! What Do I Do?