Change in Relationships: My Husband/Wife Won’t Cooperate!

Often when I meet a couple for the first time I hear one or both say something like, “If he or she would just do (something goes here) then everything would be great.” I think this is so common that most people don’t even realize they are living in a relationship of dissatisfaction. That’s just the way things are for them.

When we are wishing for something to be different, we are dissatisfied with the way things are. This dissatisfaction leads to discomfort and disappointment, and that is how I meet most couples I have a chance to work with.

A friend of mine suggested there is more to the fairness issue than just understanding you are always looking for something to be even. I thought about this for a moment and realized that I agree, there is more. Here is more.

When we are looking for something to be fair, or we are disappointed because things are not even, we come from a place where we have been hurt. Our hurt helps us see right and wrong in a very visceral way. It’s everywhere. It always exists. That’s how we evaluate whether we are treated properly, we ask the question, “Is it fair?”

Relationships cause hurts. We don’t want them, but they occur. This is just the way it is when two humans live and interact in a close and intimate way. We have a different kind of openness with our partners and when we get stung by them we get really hurt, I mean really hurt.

It feels as if they never really knew us at all, because if they did, how could they hurt us so badly? And if we get hurt, how long do we hold onto the pain of being hurt? Some of us can’t let go and we carry that hurt around inside us for a long time. In some cases it can last for years.

I was listening to a talk recently and the speaker was telling us about how our brains are wired. He said that when something good happens it doesn’t stick in our brain because our brain treats the good like Teflon. But when something bad happens, our brain acts completely different, it becomes Velcro.

It doesn’t make sense that our own brain would act so contrary to what would be more helpful to us in our lives. It would be much better if all the good things in life were to stick like glue and the bad things would just roll off, but that’s not the way we are wired.

We all feel love. Somewhere inside us we feel a tingle or a stab or a warm feeling or a thought. Every one of us feels love. But we don’t all feel it the same. Think of how you feel love. Maybe your ears take it in first when you hear your partner tell you, “I love you.”

Maybe it starts with the words and then some current travels inside your body and you feel something in your belly. How would you describe how and where you feel love? Think about it for you and discover how it is in your body. And I bet if you talk with your partner they might describe it differently than how you describe it, and feel it differently too.

It may be hard to believe, but some people don’t get mad. I mean everyone gets mad, but some people don’t show their anger. This article is about those of us with the first response getting mad and expressing it. This is the way I am wired, and I know there are a lot of you out there wired the same way.

There are many theories about why we are wired the way we are, but I would like to boil it down. It all started when we were children…

Remember the beginning of your relationship? You know, when you were falling in love with your special one. Remember when everything was perfect, the most wonderful perfect you could have ever imagined? This is what most of us as humans dream of, a perfect time and space with the one we love.

Everyone and every couple starts out this way. And most of the people I meet in my practice are desperate to get back to this wonderful, terrific space where both people understood everything about the other and there was peace and harmony and everything.

When we love another person we want the relationship to work and to last and to be perfect. This is how all couples begin. But some people want a relationship so badly they will do anything for their mate. And this leaves some of us feeling as if we have lost ourselves.

It’s something many couples face. And there’s a good reason as to why this happens. We love our person and we want them to be happy. Of course we want our mate to be happy. So why wouldn’t we just think about what they would like and how to make their life better?

When I write this title a part of me winces. It’s the part of me that writes the word “toxic”. This word actually means poisonous, harmful, dangerous, and deadly. So I think it’s only natural to feel this revulsion with the word. And yet, I have heard many people talk about their relationships and label them as “toxic”.

We are all familiar with feeling uncomfortable in our relationships or marriages. I know this happens because all of us are unique and the one we are with may not get us every second and sometimes when they don’t understand us we get our feelings hurt. This is just how relationships go.

“My husband doesn’t understand me. I get so frustrated when I try to explain myself. I get so fed up when this situation occurs, I just want to scream!” This happens to husbands, wives, and partners of all sorts.

And yes, it is a problem, and it’s one that everyone who has ever loved another experiences. It is pervasive and has been in every relationship since the beginning of time.

If I could solve this problem we might see every couple staying together. You see, being understood is the core of feeling connected to our special person. When our husband, wife or partner does not understand what we are trying to communicate to them we are left struggling alone, and that is a feeling that for many of us is intolerable.

I'm retired.

Communication Articles

Change in Relationships: My Husband/Wife Won’t Cooperate!

Coping with Unfairness: On Fairness Part 2

Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You’re Hurt

How to Overcome Negative Thinking in Relationships

We All Feel Love Differently

Do You Get Mad? Read This: Anger Problems and Relationships

How to Deal with Discomfort in a Relationship

Remember to Take Care of Yourself in Your Relationship

Are You Living in a Toxic Marriage? Help is Out There

My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me! What Do I Do!?