Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me! What Do I Do!?

“My husband doesn’t understand me. I get so frustrated when I try to explain myself. I get so fed up when this situation occurs, I just want to scream!” This happens to husbands, wives, and partners of all sorts.

And yes, it is a problem, and it’s one that everyone who has ever loved another experiences. It is pervasive and has been in every relationship since the beginning of time.

If I could solve this problem we might see every couple staying together. You see, being understood is the core of feeling connected to our special person. When our husband, wife or partner does not understand what we are trying to communicate to them we are left struggling alone, and that is a feeling that for many of us is intolerable.

I was working recently with a couple that loves each other. Each one was trying to hold on to the amazing connection they felt when they were loving with each other. Only when they came in they felt separate, not loving, and stuck in what they always feel stuck in. This is what I call their pattern.

Some people call this system of relating when there is a problem a habit, or a routine. I don’t think it matters how it is labeled, but I do think it matters what it creates for the couple. This system is how two people communicate with each other when their feelings get hurt.

Most of us in relationships get disappointed. Some of us get disappointed a lot. I believe that if we feel let down by someone it’s because they didn’t know what we wanted. But when we are involved with another person it’s easy to just believe that since they know us so well, they will always know what we want.

We usually only notice that things aren’t right when we didn’t get what we wanted. Then we know how to react, we get mad. “How could you have done that?” “Why didn’t you think of me?” These questions are important. They tell the partner they blew it. But sometimes in relationships the partner is left wondering how this situation even happened.

I remember the first date I had with the man who would become my husband. It was many years ago, but I still remember certain things like they happened yesterday. We were a fix-up by one of my friends.

While on the date, when the two of us were sitting at dinner, I listened to him talk about his children. He was separated and had two young ones, ages 6 and 9. I remember hearing about his wonderful parenting skills and how he loved his children. There was no bragging; in fact he was very humble. Even so, he seemed like a really good, loving person, a man I liked being close to.

I felt something different, and it felt important. But being in the dating world, which I had been for a while, I am sure my face revealed nothing about what I felt. I am sure I was just putting on a good face, doing that impressive thing I used to do to get someone to like me.

Making up after you have been in a fight with your mate might be the most important skill you can learn in your relationship. For most of us it would seem like we should already know how to do this, but believe me, as a couples counselor this is one of the hardest things we learn on our relationship journey.

So if you are looking for guidance, here it is. First off, this is not easy. If it were simple we would all know how to do it already. Second, you can learn how. You have learned so many things in your life this is just something else to put in your tool box. Third, everyone can learn it.

All of us who are in a relationship have many things in common. First off, we all probably want it to work. We most likely want to live peacefully with the person we love. Another thing we probably all agree on is that we don’t want to fight. We just want to get along and experience good feelings with each other.

Yes, I believe we can all agree on what we want. Now here’s what we don’t want. We don’t want to get our feelings hurt. We don’t want to get mad at our mate. We don’t want to feel bad about ourselves or work too hard for our partner. I bet we can all agree on what we don’t want too.

Everyone who is in a relationship has thought about leaving it. I don’t care how happy you are in this moment, there has to be some time, maybe in your past, maybe recently, where you felt so upset and you couldn’t figure out how to change the circumstances and you thought that leaving the relationship is the only way out. All of us feel this. This is human.

So if everyone in a relationship thinks about leaving when they get upset, why do some couples seem to figure out how to make their relationships last? These couples have worked on staying. This is the art of being in a relationship, and maybe the art of being a mate. It’s developing the skill of believing the relationship will get better.

As a counselor I often intervene with couples when they start to argue about who said what and who remembers what because that conversation can sometimes turn into a fight. I usually go into some sort of education to help them understand that they each have different brains, life experiences and ways of processing how information is received and stored.

This conversation helps reduce some of the tension and then we can continue our work in the session. But recently I fell victim to feeling so violated because my husband did not remember something I had told him three times!

I am happy to report that my 86 years old mother has a potential new boyfriend. He is a little older, he’s 88. The two of them went on a first date recently. He took her to dinner, (at a high end coffee shop) and then a movie, “The Secret Life of Pets”.

My mom has been single for a long time. She has been hoping to find someone special that she would like, but that hasn’t happened for a while. But the morning after the date I received an animated email from her telling me she had such a good time with Richard. She also wrote that he wants to take her out again and again and again. She said she hasn’t felt this happy being taken out and treated by someone in a long time. She just beamed.

If we are in a relationship and we ask ourselves, “Am I good to my mate?” I believe most of us would answer “yes.” I believe that we all think we are kind and caring and we do things for the person we love. I think we would all say “yes” with confidence.

But when I ask myself this question too, I know inside of me there is a part that could be better. I know there are times when I am not communicative and I just don’t say anything. During those times I could tell my husband that I love him. Or what about those times when we get our feelings hurt and we don’t even like the person we are with at that moment? Sometimes I live there too.

I'm retired.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me! What Do I Do!?

Will Bad Relationship Patterns Destroy YOUR Marriage?

Why It’s So Hard to Ask for What You Want

We Can’t Read Our Partners’ Minds, And That’s Okay

How to Make Up After a Fight: A Couples Counselor’s Guide

Why It’s So Hard to Make Up After a Fight

Why Do Relationships End?

Why We Get So Mad When Our Partner Forgets What We Said

Why Can’t Relationships Be Simple?

How to Be a Better Husband or Wife