All of us in relationships get into misunderstandings. It is common to not thoroughly know what another person thinks and sometimes we end up stepping on our partner because we believe one thing and they believe something else.

But what if one partner gets upset and the other partner tries to get them to understand that their reasons for getting upset are not valid? This can happen in relationships too.

Hurt People Hurt People

One person gets his or her feelings hurt and becomes sullen or resentful to the mate. The other person is flabbergasted and tries to understand, explain or defend against the position that their partner has taken.

This often leads to an even bigger fight than the original hurt feelings. I know, I have dealt with this situation often in the work I do helping couples.

We all want to get along and have peace in our lives with the one we love. We all wish for this, but sometimes it is very hard to achieve.

Hurt Feelings Can Leave Us “At War” with Our Loved One

If you find yourself in a situation where there is a back and forth between you and your mate, then you are in a war with someone you love.

It is as simple as that. You love them, but when feelings get hurt, unless you understand what happened when you got hurt and can explain it to your mate without blaming them for what they did, which by the way takes a lot of work, you are probably taking out your anger on them because they hurt you.

This is common too. Many couples do this. But it doesn’t make things any easier or bring you the peace you crave. In fact, it probably separates the two of you for a while until the emotional instability dies down.

If you have some skills you may at this point say, “I am sorry,” to your mate and explain what happened to yourself. But you must say these words from the heart, not from the head that is still angry at them.

Develop Kinder Habits to Fight Less and Love More

The only way we heal ourselves and help our partner understand us is to talk with them in a kind, caring way. This energy invites their kind and caring to come forth and then there is the healing and the understanding that we so long for.

But if this is something that is new for you, don’t worry. Everyone starts when they desire something better. I know I did. I used to blame anyone who hurt my feelings. But I soon realized that my partner never wanted to deliberately hurt me and this helped me see him as helpful, not hurtful.

It took me some time to create new habits, but I did. And you know why? Because I wanted to feel better. And when I developed ways of understanding myself and talking to him calmly about it, he was lovely and caring and I got the healing I needed. This is what I want for you. But you see you have to be open hearted in order to get it. And this might be one of your hardest lessons of all.

Ready to Fight Less and Reconnect More Effectively?

Read a Book About Relationships

Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.