One of the hardest things to teach someone in a relationship is to stop getting angry at their mate. I know because this is how I grew up and this is the response I used every time I got my feelings hurt.
I know there are many, many people who suffer from this and it is a big problem for those of us who get mad. But there are ways of understanding what we do and helping ourselves do something different.
We Turn away From Partners to Distance Them From Our Anger
I know every time I used to get mad at my mate, I would feel bad about it and not know what to do to make things better. It’s hard having a gap between two people in a relationship and not knowing what to do to get back together again.
So, the most obvious thing is to start training yourself to turn away. Yup, that’s the quickest and fastest action you could take to NOT throw up your anger on your beloved. But before you can do this you might want to think about what this looks like.
When we rehearse something in our head it is much easier to master it when the time comes. When you can turn away, also walk away. This gives you time to understand yourself.
So, What Can We Do with That Anger?
You will feel the anger inside of you. It might be a tight stomach, or clenched fists or shortness of breath. This is what the body does when we get mad. Now if you are meeting your anger for the first time, get to know it. And you might want to have a little kindness inside of you for all that fire you are carrying around.
And when you get familiar with this exercise, you might want to think of something you love about your mate, instead of thinking about how much you resent them.
Now if you are the kind of person who stuffs your feelings when upset, here are some ideas for you. When you pull away from your mate with strong feelings inside of you, you might just think about what was done to you and just stew on it for a while.
We call this ruminating on an idea, probably one which puts your partner in a bad place. Unfortunately, ruminating on one idea about your mate never solves anything. It just makes you feel terrible. There is no healing at all.
Bring Some Good Thoughts in to Counteract The Bad
When you have difficult thoughts about your mate, can you accompany those thoughts with ones directing generosity and nurturing for your partner?
When we turn our mind to something positive, we get more positive. The brain will just go along with more positivity. But if we think about how terrible things are, well, say hello to more terrible.
This is just some science, and that is the truth. More good thoughts bring about what we all want in our relationship: goodwill and love.
Learn How to Discuss the Feedback You Both Need
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to better manage difficult emotions in your relationship and communicate more kindly in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help both of you feel more kind, positive, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.