Often when couples fight there is a whole swirl of emotions from each partner. And if it is a big argument then there might be a lot of distance between the two as each person soothes their hurt feelings.
It sometimes takes days or weeks for some couples to come back together again, and when they do it’s likely they don’t talk about what happened that tore them apart in the first place.
All Couples Have Misunderstandings
Well, I hope you can take a little comfort in knowing that ALL COUPLES FIGHT. That’s not to be confused with punching or kicking each other, what I mean by fighting is really a misunderstanding of each other’s ideas and thoughts.
All of us want to be understood, especially by our mates. It is very important to know that we matter to them and that they get us and know what we are talking about. It is sometimes very hard on us when they don’t.
And this happens a lot in relationships. No one does this on purpose. It’s just that we have two very different minds trying to communicate and sometimes one mind will grab one thing that the other finds irrelevant and then there is some kind of disagreement.
Our Differing Needs Sometimes Produce Friction
I have learned that I have my brain, and my partner has his brain. This shows up sometimes when I am telling a story. I remember once I was talking about something and I was setting up what happened and my husband interrupted and wanted to tell me that the year I said in the story was not correct.
When he broke in, I felt anger and I was unable to continue with the story. I got derailed. Did he do something wrong? Not really. His mind couldn’t let go of some incorrect information and he wanted and needed to make it right.
I on the other hand have to finish the story or I can’t tell it. This example is pretty common with couples. One of us is a storyteller and fills in the story with a lot of emotional detail. The other is full of facts and figures and concrete details.
I asked my husband after that incident to try and not interrupt me when I am in the middle of telling something. He understood and doesn’t do it anymore. In fact, this incident happened about four years ago.
Understanding and Assuming Good Intent Goes a Long Way
But I learned something too. His brain sometimes gets stuck on something. It is OK if he wants to clear something up so he can continue listening to me. I have learned not to get provoked. I now understand. And that is the gift we can bring to a relationship.
Understand your partner. Try and give them the benefit of the doubt. I understand we all need the attention we desire, just try and not make them so wrong if they are who they are. If you can do this, it makes for an easier time, for both of you, and that’s what all couples want. Ease.
Need Some Help Coming Together?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. You both just might feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.