Think of Their Good Qualities


Focus on your partner's good qualities.

When we are in a relationship and we get our feelings hurt we often forget that the person who hurt us is one we love. We might even see them as the enemy because they did something to us and it made us feel bad.

Perspective Can Help Us Avoid Fights and Recover Faster

Maintaining perspective can help you reduce conflict and bounce back from it where it occurs, helping you be happy like the couple pictured.

But what if we had the ability to remember all of the good qualities in the person that we fell in love with? Wouldn’t that make it a lot easier for us to return to our connection with them instead of hating them for what they did?

Yes, I know this is a big stretch for many people, but here is the thing. Most of the time when our feelings get hurt it is not intentional. We might make it into a war, but the beginning misunderstanding is usually just something that didn’t feel good.

Our Partners Usually Don’t Mean to Hurt Us

We usually don't mean to hurt our partners; when we do, we're filled with regret, like the upset woman pictured.

Your partner, if you asked them, would say they had no intention of hurting you. They love you and don’t like to see you in distress. When I work with couples, I can help them see this point, because it is almost always something that was felt by someone as a dismissal, rejection, or something else, but was not intended to hurt them.

Can you just remember to ask your partner what he or she meant when they said what they said and if they meant to hurt you in the way that the comment hurt you? I know this is a lot of work, but it might save you from some pain and it sure might save the two of you from some separation.

Practice Focusing on Your Partner’s Good Qualities

Focusing on our partner's good qualities, like their silliness, warmth, or safety can help us feel happier and have a more resilient relationship, like that of this happy couple.

When I think of my husband I am often reminded of the safety and security I feel when I am with him. I can also tell you when I feel pained by him, I forget about these qualities that drew me to him in the first place. That’s why I practice seeing his good and caring qualities when I am not upset.

They are always there. They didn’t disappear because I got my feelings hurt. They are there for those occasions too. I just sometimes forget. And maybe that’s why I am writing this article. It’s for me too.

Relationships Are a Cooperative Journey You Take Together

Your journey of partnership works best if you support each other and make sacrifices here and there, like this happy couple.

We grow in our relationships. If we just try and get what we want as an individual we will end up not growing. We will just get frustrated with the relationship and with our partner. Being in a relationship is not designed to help people remain as individuals.

We have to see our union as a partnership. You get your way sometimes; your partner gets their way other times. We don’t do this like it is 50-50. We do this because we signed up to be with them and we want them to have a good life.

I know I am my husband’s best cheerleader, and he is mine. He wants me to have a great life too. We do things for the other because we love them, not so they will do things for us.

Remember to be your best self in your relationship. And if you fall off—and everyone does!—just catch yourself and say, “Sorry, Baby.” You don’t have to tear yourself apart, just make good when you see you can. That’s really all that’s needed to tell your partner you see them, you understand them, you honor them. And isn’t that what all of us really want anyway?

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