How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication. Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other. They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief. This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen? It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself. That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad. Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners. I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with:

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

DO’S

Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack. It’s as if the speaker is already mad. The Do’s have no blame or attack. They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner. Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts. See how it feels. Try it on each other. Now try the Do’s. Use the same topic. Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases. You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication. That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses. That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner. We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other. I believe them. They say it with such great emotion. I know they mean it. I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work. They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other. Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen? When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out? It feels so great. It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect. Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work. I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff. Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person. The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset. It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally. I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other. I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens. This is helpful for a couple of reasons. When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate. This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way. It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard. As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner. Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other. If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad. This gets in the way of communication. I help couples say what needs to be said. I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better. And it doesn’t take that long. Most couples feel better after one or two sessions. It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need. Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it. These are all the communication skills you need. It’s a retooling of how you used to do things. That’s all it is. And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Partners Live With Pain

Most people have an amazingly high tolerance for discomfort. Some of us can even live many years feeling terrible, terrible about our mate and our relationships. As a couples counselor I am sometimes surprised though, at how much pain a couple will endure before seeking help.

When I see a couple that feels terrible about their marriage or partnership I am always interested in finding out when the problems began. Sometimes I hear answers like “six years”, six years, imaging feeling terrible about your relationship for six years. If you are in a happy relationship you might not even be able to imagine it. But if you have been suffering for a number of years, you are locked in a system of discomfort and it’s possible you may have lost your sense of time. You may have forgotten about earlier years when the relationship felt better, and you may have resigned yourself to living your current life because that’s “ just the way it is”.

Most people accept “just the way it is” because they don’t know it could be different. They may wish it was different, but they don’t know what to do to change the circumstances to make life different. It’s likely both people in the relationship have tried everything they know to make things better, but the efforts fail. When couples get desperate enough, that’s usually the time they come in for counseling.

And when I see a couple at this point the couple is often wondering if I can save or fix the relationship. I tell them, “I don’t fix relationships, I help you figure out what you want and then I help you get that. If that is a good relationship than great, I can help you.”

I tell them there is no fix; there is just awareness, intention and action. Learn about yourself. Learn about your partner. Ask for what would make you happy. Find out how to make your partner happy. It may sound simple, but for couples who are bruised from living years of unhappiness all these ideas can appear as just words, hollow.

I think the most important thing I can impart to a distressed couple is that there might be another way to relate to one another that could feel better. And that may be all a couple that’s been in pain for a while can hear. They might have stopped believing they can even be happy with each other, and they’ve probably accepted their lot in life, one that includes difficulties.

It’s too much for a person in pain to go from discomfort to happy in an instant. But what they might be able to hold on to is the thought that maybe; just maybe they could feel better. When people start to feel better they become less stressed, less stressed about their problems and the relationship. Less stress gives the mind a chance to relax and become more welcoming to new thoughts about what may be possible.

Possibilities, ideas, new ways of communicating, hope. This is what can happen when the mind is relaxed, new ways of thinking and new ways of thinking can lead to a new life. And isn’t that what distressed couples are after? Something better, something loving, something hopeful, a new life.

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Rules for Our Relationships

Making rules to govern a relationship sounds like something kids would do, but what if a set of rules helps couples treat each other. Would you follow a few guidelines then? We all learn to follow rules when we are little. Rules show us right from wrong. Rules keep us safe, coloring within the lines, or in other words, they keep us grounded.

As a couples specialist I wouldn’t say anyone really needs rules, but sometimes partners treat each other so poorly rules might actually help.

I work with many different kinds of couples. Some partners speak kindly to each other, but many do not. By the time couples enter counseling they have probably spent a lot of time saying mean things to their partners. In some cases those mean things can even include swear words and degrading remarks. Most couples that swear at each other know they should not be hollering at their partners and yet they do it anyway, most likely when an argument occurs. It might even become a well worn pattern developed over time.

So how do couples learn to be nicer to each other? Why not make a rule? NO SWEARING AT EACH OTHER. Why not create an environment with a cuss free zone?

It’s likely you don’t cuss at work or call your boss names. It’s probably safe to say you wouldn’t holler and yell these phrases at your parents or your children, so why not outlaw swearing because it’s something you shouldn’t do to your mate either?

You say you love your partner. Show them by refraining from calling them names. This conveys respect, and often in relationships that’s what’s missing. It may be hard to break a habit if this has been ongoing for a while, but you and your partner can do this. Just make a rule. You made promises to each other when you first got together. Make this another promise. “I promise to not swear at you any more.” Say this to each other, and mean it. Practice it. Maybe you put a jar in the kitchen and every time you slip you put in a quarter, or a dollar. Make a game of it. Just do something different to change how you talk to each other.

Both of you probably want to feel better in your relationship. Speaking nicer to your mate is a great way to start. If you are interested in another step, how about doing one nice thing for your partner every week? This is a change from not doing anything nice for your partner to doing something nice for them. Most of the couples I work with tell me they are waiting for their mate to do something for them. Sometimes this wait goes on for a long time. Doing something for the partner you are mad at is very different then waiting for them to be nice to you.

Imagine what it would be like in your home if the one you are at odds with actually does something special just for you? Now think how he or she would feel if you did something special for him or her. You are trying on new behaviors. When you do something different you get something different in exchange. Maybe it will be a thank you. Maybe it will be astonishment. Maybe you will get a laugh. It may be an improvement.

And isn’t this what you are after, something new, something different, something hopeful?

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When You Stay Mad at Your Partner

Getting into disagreements with our mate is not only part of being in a relationship; it’s also a part of life. Staying mad at your partner because you haven’t resolved issues is also pretty common, only this condition takes a toll on everyone. Do you stay mad at your partner?

If you are holding a grudge against him or her you are not alone. As a couples counselor I see couples in all stages of the relationship. Sometimes they come in and they are really mad at the other person. Sometimes it’s one person who does the yelling or scolding while the other just smolders and steams.

Both are not resolving their issues with the other and both end up suffering as a result. The one who gets angry and yells releases energy, but having to scream at your mate to make a point doesn’t do much for your body. You get all filled with rage and this puts stress on too many organs to mention. If you are the one who holds everything in take the next moment to realize what you are doing to your body. That’s right; all your rage is held inside, and your organs aren’t very happy either.

Both of you are suffering. Your bodies are in a constant state of battle readiness, waiting for the next round. We haven’t even talked about what happens to your feelings yet either. They get worked out too. When you feel terrible about your relationship you might tell yourself things like, “I have to get out of here,” or “I would be so much happier if he or she would only do…” In other words, you might spend a lot of time talking to yourself under your breath about what your partner isn’t doing and how much you resent where you are. This is a difficult place to live, and some couples I counsel spend their lives right here.

If I meet a couple in this state the first thing I like to do is listen. I am not interested in any particular argument, not yet anyway. What I want to do is hear from each person separately. I want to know from each person how they see what is wrong. This is an important step for me and the relationship. I get to hear what each person thinks, feels and needs. I also get to understand what each person feels is missing. This is not only a benefit for me as their counselor; it can also be a heavy dose of awareness as each partner listens to their mate.

Often this is a new experience for the couple and it can be an eye opening one. In their usual way of relating, one person says his or her piece and the other will counter with what he or she needs. No one is doing any listening. Both are just trying to be heard by the other and no one is hearing anybody.

That’s why counseling works. Each person gets to have their say. Partners begin to understand their mates. People develop ways of allowing each other to have differences. Both people begin to get what they want in the relationship; love, support, and respect. It may feel like there’s a big gap from where you are now and where you would like to be. Sometimes it takes just a few steps to feel better. And that’s what people who live angry at their mate are after isn’t it, to feel better?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Living Isolated In Your Relationship

Sometimes couples come in for counseling because they feel they have grown apart and they just aren’t sharing with each other like they used to. They tell me of how unhappy they feel and how they don’t know if their partnership can be saved. Then they look to me to help them fix the relationship.

Often in the counseling process a couple may become aware of how long they have been living separate lives. They’ve been co-existing together. Sometimes they do this really well, and some couples are really proud that they never fight. Even so, they come in because something is missing between them.

I listen to their stories and history and I begin to wonder when they started to leave each other. When I say leave each other I am not talking about geography. What I am curious about is when did each person stop asking the other for what they wanted or needed to stay connected and happy in the relationship? When did this couple begin the slide into separate lives?

The separation information is important because what ever was happening marks the beginning of when each person began to rely on themselves instead of their partner? Both people start accepting their right to get their own happiness outside the relationship. For one person it could show up as spending more time at work. For another it could mean travel without the mate. Maybe it’s a connection to different groups or classes. What ever takes you away from the other is where we start. I am less interested in what the person was doing; I am more interested in what the person was feeling because people look outside the relationship when someone feels they are not what they need.

It usually boils down to something simple, as simple as a connection with the other. I often hear couples say, “We just don’t communicate anymore.”

Sometimes people have hurt feelings over unresolved pain from the past. If you are in pain in your relationship and you have more or less accepted that you have to live with it without healing, sooner or later you may seek some kind of relief outside the relationship and that could drive you away from your partner.

I like to help couples look at what happened between them, before their lives began to separate. We examine what each felt, and learn why they reacted the way they did. This is usually helpful and allows the couple to begin understanding each other in a new way.

When we discover what has not been resolved or attended too we can revisit old wounds and begin to heal. Once the healing has occurred couples find that turning toward their partner for relief feels better than turning away, and that’s usually what partners are after, a chance for a deeper connection.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking. We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say. This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject. Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue. We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them. We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks. Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?” Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought. This is usually eye opening for the couple. When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t. We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment. We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask. And guess what happens if we do? When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us. When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too. But starting with not assuming is the first step. It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say). But I realize that I am assuming I know. I don’t want to do that. I want to listen to what you think. I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

When Our Partners Can’t Listen

Most of the time when two people in a relationship feel unhappy part of the problem is that they don’t feel heard by their partner. When we feel heard and understood we often feel validated and our problems seem to dissolve and we feel better. If our partner can’t hear what’s troubling us or what we need we feel alone and isolated.

So if it’s that simple, why is it so hard for couples to do it? Most of the couples I work with want to have a better relationship. They come to counseling because they want to feel close and connected again. Both people are usually pretty earnest about their intent. They see what they want to have, but they are usually stumped on how to achieve it.

Sometimes they blame the other person because they think if their partner really loved them they would know how to make them happy. Unfortunately many couples aren’t talking about what they want and need from their partner and that makes it difficult for the partner to know what to do.

Here’s what I see when couples can’t hear each other. One person says how they feel about something, or some incident. The person talking feels bad about what happened. What they want is for their partner to understand their pain. They want an audience from the person who knows them the best. They want to feel like their partner gets what happened to them. They might even want the partner to apologize. This means that the listener is not thinking about how guilty they feel for causing the pain. This means that the listener is also not thinking of ways the partner has hurt them and waiting to respond. But that’s usually what happens. One person talks, and the other person waits to retort and sometimes retaliate. No one is listening.

In order to feel heard, validated and get some resolution, the teller of the pain needs to just tell it to the person that may have caused it. That’s it, nothing more. This is part of the healing process that couples need to repair. One pained person talks about what happened to them. The other person listens without going into their pain. Unfortunately that’s the dance that most couples fall into. One person talks and the other person tops them. This starts a back and forth with no winner and no end. Both parties end up feeling exasperated, frustrated, drained and alone.

I help couples learn a new way to communicate. Both people get their say, but they have to take turns. It really doesn’t matter who goes first, but it does matter that the listener just do the job of listening so the talker gets heard. This does not come naturally. Most of us aren’t taught that sharing our pain actually helps us heal. Many of us learn that we must fight to be heard, that we have to express our pain in order to get relief. But that style usually leaves people feeling unhappy and alone.

Once couples learn these tools of being the talker and the listener they never feel alone in the relationship again. They might even feel terrific, realizing that their mate really cares.

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Why Love Isn’t Enough

When people get together they feel love; forever,
unwavering, majestic love. It’s the kind
many of us dream about from our youth; the flowery, perfection we imagined love
to be when we were kids.

We all have some idea of what love should look and feel like. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be able to couple. But many of us have a deeply held belief that this is all we need to sustain a relationship. I call that an unconscious belief, developed from a child’s vision of what love is.

Nothing wrong with believing in love and it would be perfect if our partners had the same vision as ours. Then we could romp together in our fantasy of what life is supposed to be like. But that’s not usually the case. We select people who come from different ideas and backgrounds. And it’s safe to say our partners have their ideas about what love is supposed to look and feel like too.

So where does that leave most couples? Wishing their partners could join them in their vision and automatically understand and deliver what they need. In many relationships people sit in the belief that if their partners truly loved them, they would be able to give them what they needed to feel great. Because there is love in the relationship that should be enough for the relationship to be the best ever… only it isn’t.

I work with a lot of couples who love each other. But it may have been a long time since they’ve felt the closeness each other they remember. They know it existed once, but it feels like a long time ago and they don’t know how to get it back. While no two couples are the same, the issues they struggle with are often similar.

What’s missing from most relationships is the understanding; real understanding of what sits in the way and blocks the love, and an understanding of what is missing in each person’s life from the other. Once each person becomes aware of what stands in the way of his or her tenderness toward the other, then the couple can discover what each person wants from the other. When this is realized each person can learn how to ask the partner for what they would like, instead of hoping the partner would just deliver.

This builds true understanding and that builds compassion and compassion may just be the adult version of the child’s idea of love.

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When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument. They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other. These patterns cement over time. When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard. Sometimes it’s really harsh. And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this. “You blank, blank, blank. You make me so blank mad. I hate you. I wish you were dead. I wish we never met.” Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time. Maybe this is your pattern. What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over.

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate. You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior. Most people I meet are embarrassed about it. Why embarrassment? Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong.

No one wins when someone yells. Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently. They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope. It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other. They came to therapy a few times. But I never got the sense that they were really in it.

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things. If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home. It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can. Each couple knows what they can handle. I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships. I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer. The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

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