We Love Them Until We Don’t

Many couples tell me how much they love their partner. They sit on a couch in my office with their mate next to them and they profess their love. I listen to them convince me. Then the other person adds their voice, “I love him too.” They are very sure of themselves as if there is nothing more truthful in the world.

I hear these pronouncements often, and then I listen to how these two people actually treat each other when they are not professing their love, and it’s not very nice.

“He called me a @#$%”. “She said I was (something belittling here)”. Usually when I hear these tirades I can feel the bitterness and anger from each person. It’s so thick you can actually feel it inside the therapy room. I try and wade through the discontent to understand what they mean when they tell me that they love each other.

I think people believe that if they are with a person long enough, their shared history makes it love. I think some couples convince themselves they are in love and are loved by their partner just because they have been a part of each other’s lives longer than any other relationship.

I don’t disbelieve that couples who act like this really love each other; it’s just that I don’t think they feel very happy in the relationship treating their partner the way they do and feeling the same treatment in return. People who are happy in their relationships generally don’t belittle or rage at each other. It’s my experience that if people harbor resentment and anger toward their mates then that’s usually how they will communicate with them, with words full of anger and resentment. On occasion when couples are not angry at each other they can sometimes find closeness and soft, loving words, like, “You know I love you”. When they hear those words they are lulled into the idea that they are loved, and all will be right with the world.

It’s just a band-aid though, until the next time there’s a big blow up. Then these couples go right back to the fighting words first, not the soft, loving ones. Couples who live in this kind of cycle go through extremes with each other; intense hate and intense love.

Isn’t that love they ask me? Sure I say, it’s some kind of love, but my question to each person is, are you happy? Are you happy in your life? Are you happy with your mate? Do you feel good? Do you believe your relationship is good? Do you feel supported? Do you feel appreciated? Are you treated with kindness? How do you treat your partner? Do you support him or her? Are you treating him or her with kindness?

The answers to these questions will tell me a lot more about whether there is love than the words “Of course I love him” or “She knows I love her.”

Anyone can say the words “I love you”. We all know that isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to help us feel nurtured and whole in our life. What’s needed is deep consideration for the other person and an unshakable faith in knowing that making your partner happy will be the best effort you can ever make.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Always Wearing a Happy Face

Every one in a relationship wants to feel loved by their partner. To feel loved, many individuals will put on a happy face and maintain a persona that everything is fine, even when it isn’t. Often people are so good at acting like they are happy that the partner has no idea anything could be wrong.

Unfortunately, if you are projecting a happy demeanor when communicating with your partner, you may feel stuck in one place and very much alone. That’s because a lot of other feelings; sad, disappointed, mad, irritated, frustrated, fed up, discouraged, disheartened, worried, nervous, unsafe etc. NEVER GET EXPRESSED.

You may be an expert at delivering the happy feelings, but mum on anything else. If you always show a good face to your mate, how can you maintain that happy face when expressing sadness? You can’t. So, no unhappy face ever gets shown to the partner. Nope, just pretend everything is OK, always.

Oh, distressful feelings are felt, but the person experiencing them doesn’t share them, and the partner never hears them. This leads both people feeling disconnected in the relationship. He doesn’t know what’s going on with her; she doesn’t know what’s going on with him. Both feel apart from the other. The one who doesn’t share feelings might begin to think their partner just doesn’t understand them. The partner who is left in the dark might start to feel unimportant to his mate. Usually they can sense that their partner is withholding something, and they might even inquire, and it might sound something like this; “Is everything all right?” “Are you OK?” “Is anything wrong?”

The answer is probably always the same, and it’s likely that it’s a denial that sounds something like, “No, everything is fine.” Oh, there definitely is something wrong, but the person who always shows a sunny disposition hasn’t a clue on how to tell the partner what it is. Part of the reason is because he or she isn’t quite sure how to explain it. All they know is that they feel something like emptiness, or not feeling loved, or not being understood, or longing for something more. It’s usually a mixture of feelings that don’t have words attached to it. But the person feels it. It’s heavy and lives in the pit of the stomach and doesn’t go away.

This partner might even be able to talk about his or her feelings with another person. They might be able to explain these feelings in great detail. “I feel so alone.” “He or she just doesn’t understand me.” And while they come easily pouring out to someone else they can’t fathom how to share them with their partner. No, they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. They are sure they are unhappy, but they can’t figure out what to do about it.

As a couples counselor I see this situation often. Both people will eventually feel that the relationship is on the brink of breaking and then the couple will make an appointment to see someone like me. Both are stuck in some sort of misery and they are hoping I can figure it out and help get them back on track. That’s the best case scenario. Sometimes though, a couple has been feeling so distant from each other in the relationship for such a long time that one of the partners may have already moved on to another person. Therapy at this stage requires a whole different level of understanding and repair.

This is what I know about couples counseling: If a couple is willing, there’s always room to learn more about yourself and your partner in a relationship. There’s always a way to understand your own behavior and see how it affects your mate. There’s always room to try something new, to risk showing your feelings and not holding them inside. Sometimes couples are able to change how they relate to each other and improve their relationship, making it something better than either ever dreamed.

It’s possible to build something true for each of you. It’s possible to create a safe place for you both to show all your parts, not just the happy ones. This creates true depth between two people, something that all couples are looking for.

When One Partner Bullies The Other

When we think of a bully we might be reminded of a big kid from school who used his or her size to intimidate others. Maybe we have an image from some television show or movie of a hulking being pushing others around. As a couples counselor I can tell you bullies come in all shapes and sizes. They can be demur women and they can be medium sized men. They can be kind in their presentation and underneath they can be steaming with anger and come out harsh. Whatever their shape, they all have at least one thing in common… they are abusive to their mate.

So what kind of abuse are we talking about? We all know about physical abuse. I’m talking about emotional abuse, the kind that messes with a person’s head, and the kind that leaves the mate wondering if they are loved or hated. Often it’s subtle and hard to point out. Even so, it’s felt by the person who receives it and it feels terrible, oppressive.

When I witness this behavior in a session the first indication I get is usually a tightening in my stomach. I often experience the feeling of what is happening between the couple. The one who does the bullying is either explaining something to me or to the mate and it comes across with heaviness and a frustration so thick it sucks the air out of the room. It can sound like belittling, berating or contempt. It’s not about the words although they can be harsh too. It’s more often indicated by the tone.

I’ve listened to couples where one partner is so resentful to the mate it makes my skin crawl. When I inquire about the presentation, it’s not uncommon for the person to look at me as if I have two heads. What am I talking about, they wonder? Of course they love their mate, they profess. Yet each time I hear them speak to their partner it’s loaded with venom.

The person receiving the hit is often frustrated and exasperated. When I experience a couple with this dynamic it’s very hard for me to feel neutral. This I know is not the best form of therapy, as I could become biased. I pick up on the recipient’s grief and despair and I just want their pain to stop. I have to remind myself that the person who is upset, the one who does the bullying, is most likely mad for a reason.

I try to see if I can find a soft side in the aggressor. I look to see if the mad one has any sympathy or compassion for the partner. If I can find some compassion or empathy, then I feel I can help the couple. If I feel a stonewalling from the aggressor, I know he or she may not be ready to look at him or herself. They are not able to do the processing or observing necessary to begin understanding the affect of their behavior on the other in order to begin healing the rift in the marriage or relationship.

If a person exhibiting anger toward a partner cannot see what they are doing and how it impacts the mate, in my opinion the couple is in danger of breaking. Often times the examination process alone is too threatening or difficult though, and as a result the couple will leave counseling before we can begin to repair.

There are many reasons why people resort to abusive behavior. The most common may be because the angry person does not feel heard, understood and valued. These are feelings everyone wants to experience in a relationship. When partners feel understood and valued by their mates they usually feel good in the relationship. When this does not occur people feel sad and sometimes they get angry. It’s the anger that turns people against their mate and that’s often when the bullying can begin.

Angry people want their mate to be different. They want them to change so they can feel better. This is a young person’s idea of how to fix a relationship, not a mature view with two people listening and understanding the other as well as themselves.

I feel bad when I can not help a couple with this kind of distress. It is my hope that they will find their way. And then I remind myself of the many couples that enter into counseling ready to understand how their behavior impacts their partner. We walk through the difficulties together gaining new insight and understanding. This process leads to feeling better in the relationship or marriage. This work leads to a couple’s health, and that’s where happy couples thrive.

Contact Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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When One Person Is Unfaithful

Can a couple survive an affair? I get this question a lot as a marriage and family therapist. I’d like to say yes, but that is not always the case. And yet, sometimes yes is absolutely the right answer. Couples can survive an affair; an affair of the heart, an affair of the flesh, and an internet or phone affair. Not all couples survive. Sometimes there’s just too much pain to overcome.

But for others, two people sometimes find a way to move closer together. They don’t ever put things back the way they were. How can it ever be the way it was after one person finds interest in another outside the relationship? A couple can’t go back to a place of innocence where true love blossomed and each believed in fidelity for ever and ever. Something is irrevocably broken.

In many cases when an affair is discovered the person who finds out becomes devastated. Often the first response is anger and disbelief. How can this happen? How can this be? It’s almost unforgivable. How could their partner have lied to them?

It’s also possible the person who finds out begins to worry what they might have done to create a situation where the other one left. They also might wonder how they just didn’t know what was happening. Often they feel stupid and duped, foolish and embarrassed.

If the other person is remorseful and wants to keep the relationship together he or she probably feels terrible seeing the pain they have caused their partner. This guilt and shame can cause this mate to spin out of control.

Both are hit with something that feels like an explosion in their house. They used to rely on things being a certain way. Now everything is turned upside down and nothing is familiar. What does a couple do when their world has been rocked with an affair? Couples counseling can be a good place to start. First it helps to have an objective individual listen to each person. Chances are there have been a lot of conversations, and lots of tears and heartfelt apologies and promises. Even so this is not enough to mend the damage. That’s why a trained counselor is probably needed.

The first session is usually about figuring out what foot to put in front of the other. Both people are in such a state of shock and the marriage or relationship has just imploded. Slowly each person will unload what he or she has been feeling. This is very helpful as many deep feelings get stirred up in this kind of crisis. It’s helpful to talk about what one is feeling. When you are guided by a trained professional you might even feel better. That’s the first step.

What happens next is up to the individual couple. Each person will have to decide what they want to do. What would be right for them? Sometimes both want to work on mending the relationship or marriage. Sometimes one doesn’t know if he or she can. This can also be explored in counseling.

If a couple decides to stay together this type of crisis often makes way for deeper understanding and compassion. Couples learn to move more openly into their emotions and say a lot of the things they have kept hidden from their mate. This allows a stronger relationship to emerge. It’s possible to even heal from deep wounds. It’s possible to build something better and become even stronger.

Interested in free counseling? If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage you may qualify. Send me an email linda@lindanusbaum.com

Help With Communication Issues

What Do We Do When We Don’t Speak The Same Language?

This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish. This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don’t speak the same language; they talk but they can’t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating. Both people want to get their points across but it’s so difficult many couples just stop trying.

This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come into my office for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other. They both hope that I can bridge the gap that’s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem. They’ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don’t want to hear it. In this case they often just stop talking to them. These couples are at an impasse, and that’s not uncommon either.

Each person had needs that have not been met. They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don’t know how. They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship… frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it’s not uncommon for one or the other to say, “It’s not working.” The truth is; it’s not. This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other. That’s why counseling can be helpful. As a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Long Beach, California I am able to hear what’s missing. I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life. As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals. I gather information and then I help them decode what they can’t seem to hear or understand about the other. Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other. Sometimes it sounds like, “He never listens to me,” or “She always nags me.”

These complaints are loaded with emotions. It’s not just the words I am interested in; it’s what feelings accompany the discomfort. I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention. When she says “He never listens”, I hear a longing to feel valued. When he says “She always nags”, I hear “I feel invisible.” Some of what’s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn’t feel appreciated. It’s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don’t feel your partner values or appreciates you. These are important aspects of a good partnership.

Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across. To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need. When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person – instead of just being upset because they are not getting it. No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either. Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like.

When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard. And that’s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.

Call for a free pnone consultation with Linda (562) 293-1737

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Visit her website www.lindanusbaum.com

What If There’s a BIG Blowup? What Do You Do Then?

All of us get mad at our mates. Even therapists get mad at their partners. I did last week and it was a big one. You might even call it a tantrum. Yes, I had a tantrum. I was pretty sure my reasons were valid for having this blowup. I was very convinced that my mate was hurting me intentionally with a particular situation so I had all the right in the world to get mad.

Well this is what I think I was thinking when I was winding up. I had just learned that my husband was going to be working all weekend. I had been thinking about a nice relaxing Sunday with him, knowing that he always works Saturdays. But NO, he informs me Friday afternoon that he has to work Sunday.

I see that relaxing day with him I had been looking forward to evaporate and I get scared, I think. I feel alone, small and like no one cares, or something like that. But what ever I am feeling the next words out of my mouth are, "I'm really mad about this!" Then I ask him to come into the kitchen where I'm mixing a protein drink. I tell him I want to talk about this because I'm really mad. He wants to leave but I ask him to stay and then I start to rant. "It's not fair. I'm not going to see you all weekend." He reminds me that he has to work an occasional Sunday.

I know this but I feel like I've been blindsided without any warning so I continue in a high pitched angry, accusatory voice. "I don't care. I am just mad that I won't be with you." This conversation goes nowhere and he retreats to the den. I calm down a little until I realize that he is also gone this evening for work, so he's gone Friday night, Saturday and Sunday during the day. When I remember this I get going all over again. "And I just remembered you are working tonight," I scream.

Now I am really mad. I even go into the den to make my point more dramatically.

I head back to the kitchen where I am fuming as I continue to mix my drink. It comes in one of those shakers that you drink out of so I start to shake it and in a blink of an eye it spurts out and I am covered all over with a thick brown goo, all over my nice "professional therapy" clothes. Then I shriek like there is no tomorrow. I am complaining about the mess in a high-pitched yell. Then I get mad because my husband didn't come in to see what was wrong.

I storm upstairs to change my clothes saying to him, "Why didn't you come in to see what happened? I spilled the drink all over myself." I throw off my drink-covered clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor. I change into something else and I head downstairs. I glance into the kitchen and there is my husband cleaning up the mess. I am still mad, at this point even though I'm not sure at what and I announce to him, "Just throw the drink away. I don't want it anymore." And with that I exit the house and head to work.

I calm down because I have to get back into work mode. I have a break and I head home to get something to eat. I know my husband has gone to work. I open the den door and there, on top of the table is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a note that reads, "I want to be with you always." The you is underlined. I feel loved and ashamed in the same moment. I feel like a silly little girl who just didn't get her way so she made a big old fuss. I call him and say, "Thank you so much for the flowers. I am so sorry I was a child who had a tantrum." He says, "Yeah you really had a big tantrum, especially when you spilled the drink." He asks if he can call me back because he's busy and I say I will be busy too, not necessary. Then I ask him this, "Are we good?" He says, "Yeah, we're good."

I tell this story to a colleague and she says you should get him something too. After leaving work I stop at the store and get him a card and a little trinket, making sure he sees them first thing when he comes home tonight from work.

The next morning I check to see if there is any residue. Nope, just us. Do I feel good about what I did? No, I feel silly. Did it kill us and make us hate each other? No, just the opposite. He found out how important he is to me, I found out how important I am to him. We just had to wade through some muck for this beautiful wisdom.

I haven't raged in years. I can't say it felt good. It just was. No one is perfect. We are all just human. I hope I don't rage again for many, many years. But even if I do, I know there is always something I can do about it. I can repair. So can you.

learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her. She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything. It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat. I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate. The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other. It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex. This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does. I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported. It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution. We talk to others. This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads. They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.” This is a natural fit for most men. That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her. This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties. But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging. That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation. You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa. You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something. This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live. Someone has to make a move to become unstuck. Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better. If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate. Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood. Why not just ask them? You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular. This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good. Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship. Knowing what makes your partner happy. If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life. And that’s what all couples want.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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We Have Communication Problems. How Do We Fix Them?

When couples begin counseling one of the most common difficulties I hear couples talk about has to do with communication. I often hear one or both say this, “We just don’t know how to communicate. That’s why we are here.”

Chances are people in this situation feel a lack of intimacy. If you feel empty in your relationship and when you try and get your needs met you run into resistance from your mate, you could surmise that you and your partner are having communication problems. Many couples then think if they could just learn how to “communicate” the relationship would be improved.

When I hear this I wonder if the word “communicate” is really code for he or she doesn’t listen to me, or he or she doesn’t understand me or even he or she doesn’t love me because if they did, they would do what I needed and I wouldn’t feel this way.

When people summarize their marriage or relationship strife as communication problems I know as a couples counselor that I am just scratching the surface of what is not working between the two. What I know is that it’s not just a matter of learning different words to fix the communication problem, it’s a matter of understanding what one is feeling and being able to convey it accurately so the partner can understand. I know that fixing a communication problem means getting two people on to the same page by helping the couple learn to be available for each other and that usually means helping people develop their listening skills as well.

When we grow up we learn how to do a lot of things. We learn how to listen to our parents or tune them out. We might learn how to get attention by being a helper in the house or becoming a good student to receive praise. Maybe we acted out to get noticed. What ever pattern we learned as a kid we probably still use as an adult. And why wouldn’t we. We would have no reason to change if we are not in relationship. But being with another person we are in such close contact the ways of getting ourselves noticed just might not work anymore. This is no one’s fault. Every one receives training when young and does the best they can when they couple.

But while being dutiful or acting out might have been successful strategies before we were a couple, they just don’t seem to work when we get close to another person in an adult relationship or marriage. This business of not communicating comes in when two people want to be together but they get so frustrated trying to get their needs met and they just can’t seem to understand why it’s so challenging to make themselves heard by the other person.

There is a distinct difference between being an independent person in the relationship and being part of a couple. That doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, it just means you become aware of your partner and his or her needs as well as your own and you are conscious of this at the same time. That may sound like a lot of juggling, but trust me, that’s when a relationship gets really good. When you notice what you need, are aware of what your partner needs and everyone get’s what they need you are living in a place of peace and happiness. No more communication problems, both of you just taking care of the other, seamlessly. Now that’s true communication.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Do I Need A Therapist? …Answers from a Marriage and Family Therapist

Wow, what a good question. Do I need a therapist? How many of us have ever wondered if we do? How many times have we just thought that life felt too overwhelming for us and maybe, just maybe, someone could help us figure it out? Probably a lot of us have thought this at some time or another, and why not? Living can be complicated.

And that’s just one of the reasons people call on a therapist. Here are some more thoughts that could lead someone to wonder if they need one. It’s not uncommon for people to say to me, “I’m not sure what to do next, I feel stuck.” “I am sad about my life and don’t know what to do.” “I am always mad at my boyfriend and feel unhappy.” These may sound like every day occurrences, and they are. But what is an anthill for one person could become a mountain for another. Maybe there’s a problem at work, or with one or both of your parents. Any of these issues could make a person wonder about seeing a therapist and getting some counseling.

Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help people sort out their difficulties. That’s our skill set and that’s what we do. We help people look at their struggles. We help people understand their thoughts about those struggles. Then we help people understand their feelings about the struggles. For most people this is a new opportunity to explore one’s self.

Some people hold on to the notion that they should be able to figure themselves out. They can’t imagine allowing a stranger into their world. But sometimes the discomfort of not knowing how to fix a problem can lead someone straight into therapy. And here is the good news; through therapy people get better! Yup, people learn how to understand themselves, and that allows for all kind of new experiences in life. When we understand what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want, we can then learn how to ask for what we like, or say no when we’re confronted with something we don’t like. For most people this is the key to feeling good in life; knowing what will make you happy.

Through therapy people also learn they can’t always control their surroundings or how people should react. Expecting people to act a certain way can lead to stress and aggravation. Becoming disappointed because things don’t work out the way you think they should doesn’t have to be a way of life. Through counseling people learn that they may not be able to control their surroundings or other people but they can control how they act. That can lead to increased self worth and that’s freedom.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Tit For Tat; How Some Couples Cope…Guidance From A Marriage And Family Therapist

Many of us grew up needing to have the last word when we got into an argument. It just doesn’t feel right if we can’t say what we have to say after the other person has said their piece. We just want to finish the exchange with our own ending note.

It’s not uncommon to see this interaction when two people are discussing issues important to both of them. It’s also not uncommon to see this type of behavior between two people who are in a relationship. He says one thing, she says another, he has to top her, she has to top him and so on. We’ve all seen it; we may even have engaged in it.

On some level it can be satisfying, putting the other person in their place, having the last word and really saying or acting out something dramatic that makes our point. Yes, sometimes we even feel better when we can have the last word and end with a flourish, like slamming a door, or stomping up stairs, or using a cuss word or flipping someone off. There’s something very satisfying about really feeling like we have been heard. Unfortunately, when two people are locked in this sort of contest no one is listening to the other; both are just waiting for their turn.

These dramatic moments can also cause harm to two people who are in a relationship. Sometimes there is real damage done during these matches, hurtful things are said, painful slights are seared into us.

Some of this sparing may remind us of squabbling with a sibling or a childhood friend. If we learned it at a young age we might even feel confidence when we spar with another person. We may grow to rely on these skills as we get older and might even use them with our mate in our adult relationship.

Sometimes they are funny and can be laughed at in a calmer state. But more often than not they are hurtful and leave wounds. We carry around these scars and feel terrible and angry. Maybe we get zinged, maybe we zing our beloved. If we engage, it’s likely we leave something behind, some residue of hurt feelings that may get buried over the next time there is a spat. Maybe we even compile all the zingers and hurl them back at each other reusing them again and again.

So what do we do about these actions? Why not talk about them with our partner. Why not have a discussion about how it feels to hurl these slights and how it feels to receive them. Why not find out if there are some bruises left over from past arguments. If the bruises are still tender chances are it’s possible to have some real connection with your mate. Maybe you both agree on what you won’t say again. Maybe if you are the offender you can apologize. This can go a long way to healing pain. What you don’t want is for couples to wall up against the other because of all the slights. This can lead to resentment which can leave each person living behind his or her own wall of bricks, afraid to connect for fear of being hurt.

No couple wants to live with resentment toward their partner. Living behind walls of resentment cuts down on closeness. And that’s really what couples want, to be close, to feel safe and loved, free from those hurtful zingers.

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