Tag Archives: resentment

Couples Fight… That’s Normal Right?

I often listen to many couples tell me about their fighting practices with each other. Some even tell me that they think they are pretty good at it. Occasionally people tell me they want their partner to improve so they can have better fights. People, and I mean a lot of people assume that fighting is just a natural and expected part of being in a relationship. Everyone fights, right?

As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with couples and who is in a successful relationship herself, I can answer that question with a certain amount of authority. No. Everyone does not fight. Everyone does not stand his or her ground and repeat his or her position and defend that position until the cows come home. No not everyone does this with their partner.

But all of us watch the news, television sit-coms and reality programs and see couples fighting all the time. It seems like the norm. We watch it frequently, so we accept that it’s just what happens. Couples may have the false impression that when a person stands up for himself or herself in a relationship they are being assertive. There may even be a short lived benefit to saying something firm to your partner. But there is also the wreckage; hurt feelings, being misunderstood, cut off from your loved one and alone.

You may be wondering to yourself how people communicate if they don’t get firm and assertive with the other. How do they get their point across when the other person isn’t listening? You may even wonder if people just roll over and let their partner walk all over them so there won’t be a fight. It’s hard to imagine exactly what communication could look like if you have been spending your relationship years locked in battle.

I know this pattern. I learned this in the family I grew up in. When people got their feelings hurt or felt wronged by someone they verbally attacked the offender. “Why did you drink my milk?” Then there was the retort. “Because, I needed it for my cereal.”
“Well you are selfish!” “You are selfish!” This back and forth was so familiar to my ears and my way of communicating it took a lot of work to get out of the habit of blaming the other person for my difficulties.

And that’s what has to happen. Each person in a relationship has a responsibility to the other to be good to the other. If you blame the other for something you are throwing down a gauntlet saying “The fight is on!”

Do you really want to make your beloved the bad guy? Really, there are other ways to get your needs met. Learn them. Unplug from a destructive pattern. It just plain feels better. I know.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com
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We Love Them Until We Don’t

Many couples tell me how much they love their partner.  They sit on a couch in my office with their mate next to them and they profess their love.  I listen to them convince me.  Then the other person adds their voice, “I love him too.”  They are very sure of themselves as if there is nothing more truthful in the world.

I hear these pronouncements often, and then I listen to how these two people actually treat each other when they are not professing their love, and it’s not very nice.

“He called me a @#$%”.  “She said I was (something belittling here)”.  Usually when I hear these tirades I can feel the bitterness and anger from each person.  It’s so thick you can actually feel it inside the therapy room.  I try and wade through the discontent to understand what they mean when they tell me that they love each other.

I think people believe that if they are with a person long enough, their shared history makes it love.  I think some couples convince themselves they are in love and are loved by their partner just because they have been a part of each other’s lives longer than any other relationship.

I don’t disbelieve that couples who act like this really love each other; it’s just that I don’t think they feel very happy in the relationship treating their partner the way they do and feeling the same treatment in return.  People who are happy in their relationships generally don’t belittle or rage at each other.  It’s my experience that if people harbor resentment and anger toward their mates then that’s usually how they will communicate with them, with words full of anger and resentment.  On occasion when couples are not angry at each other they can sometimes find closeness and soft, loving words, like, “You know I love you”.  When they hear those words they are lulled into the idea that they are loved, and all will be right with the world.

It’s just a band-aid though, until the next time there’s a big blow up.  Then these couples go right back to the fighting words first, not the soft, loving ones.  Couples who live in this kind of cycle go through extremes with each other; intense hate and intense love.

Isn’t that love they ask me?  Sure I say, it’s some kind of love, but my question to each person is, are you happy?  Are you happy in your life?  Are you happy with your mate?  Do you feel good?  Do you believe your relationship is good?  Do you feel supported?  Do you feel appreciated?  Are you treated with kindness?  How do you treat your partner?  Do you support him or her?  Are you treating him or her with kindness?

The answers to these questions will tell me a lot more about whether there is love than the words “Of course I love him” or “She knows I love her.”

Anyone can say the words “I love you”.  We all know that isn’t enough.  It isn’t enough to help us feel nurtured and whole in our life.  What’s needed is deep consideration for the other person and an unshakable faith in knowing that making your partner happy will be the best effort you can ever make.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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How Problems Begin in a Relationship

As a couples counselor I’m sometimes asked if there are common themes among the couples I treat.  I usually answer this question with a no because I believe every individual is unique, and that difference contributes to the special qualities of each couple.  No two couples are the same.

But lately I’ve begun to realize that couples with difficulties do share a common theme.  They all experience some sort of misunderstanding.  When people don’t feel understood they can feel left out.  Sometimes they get angry or experience isolation from their partner.  And if these misunderstandings just get swept under the rug without receiving appropriate attention, a couple may be headed toward difficulty.  Unresolved misunderstandings are the beginning signs that a relationship could use some help.

You might be saying to yourself, it can’t be that simple.  Misunderstandings can’t be the culprit alone, right?  You are right, it’s not just the misunderstandings, it’s what follows.  When one person feels like the other person did not understand or “get” them, they feel like they were not seen by their mate.  They feel like their partner who is supposed to know them doesn’t understand them.  This is the beginning of feeling misunderstood by the person who is your partner.  If the one who feels misunderstood continues to try and explain and this still doesn’t work, hurt feelings may result.  If those hurt feelings don’t get attention and understanding, they can build into something harder, like anger or resentment.

Feeling understood by your partner is not only essential for your relationship, it’s necessary for you as a person to feel good in the world.  Humans are hardwired to connect to other humans.  When we reach out and we can’t get that connection we feel let down, and sad.  This can even lead to withdrawal.

Maybe you’ve noticed your partner withdrawing after a disagreement.  He or she may be feeling misunderstood, and that can lead to feelings of loneliness and a belief that you are unlovable.  Not every disagreement will evoke these emotions, but chances are if you and your partner spend a lot of time misunderstanding each other it’s likely both of you feel pretty lousy about yourself and your relationship.   You might even feel angry at your mate because you believe he or she is supposed to “get” you no matter what.  And if your partner doesn’t get you, you might tell yourself it’s because they are just too stubborn to care.  Those thoughts lead to even more separation between two people.

Sometimes in relationships when couples aren’t getting what they need from their partners they can start to blame the other.  “It’s his fault.”  “It’s her fault.”  “He makes me feel…”  “She always complains that I…”  What drives the complaint is how we feel.  If those feelings had words they might sound like, “I’m unhappy here.  I wish you could just understand me.”

Some couples go years without ever feeling understood by their partner.  If this is your life it may mean you are essentially living alone inside yourself, without having an ally or best friend to share your thoughts and feelings with.  Imagine a relationship where you always feel understood, and you could share your thoughts and feelings with your best friend who wanted to share them. Now that makes a great relationship.  I believe everyone can learn new skills to communicate with their partner.  Like learning how to listen to the other person and how to ask for what you need, essential tools to avoid misunderstandings.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Always Mad at Your Mate

One tip off that you are perpetually mad at your partner is how you feel when you are about to see them.  Does the thought of being with him or her excite you?  If so, this is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship.  But if the idea of spending time with your mate drives you up a wall, or even makes you tense up, you may want to take a closer look at your partnership.

If you get stressed out while driving home, or if you get stressed out when your loved one is about to return home, you may find yourself living in various stages of distress. This distress can cause chronic stress and anguish.  Maybe you tense up, trying to gage what kind of mood your mate is in.  Maybe you can’t relax until you hear them greet you so you’ll know how to react.  These states cause anxiety, and that condition is hard on any body.

If you live like you walk on egg shells, maybe it’s time to examine your partnership.  Most relationships start off in a good state, as if being there is the best place in the world.  People can’t wait to see the other because they feel so good being around each other. It’s the best time in a relationship; everything is right with the world and the couple is happy.

So what happened to the happy couple? Now they hunker down in their respective positions, waiting to witness and react to the oncoming daily drama.  This is a situation many couples find themselves immersed in.  No one feels good when locked in this routine.   When the situation gets bad enough, some couples seek professional help.

As a counselor I work with many couples in this predicament.  They tell me their stories about how terrible the other person has been.  Both feel empty and wronged by their partner.  Sometimes there’s bitterness, sometimes resentment, in each case there’s loss; loss of what was, that perfect relationship where you both felt terrific.

Couples feel terrible in this state.  As a therapist I am grateful for anything that would bring a couple in for counseling.  I know that what ever feels like a break, is really an opportunity in disguise.  A rupture in a relationship often leaves people feeling vulnerable and at risk.  I see it as fertile ground for growing in new ways with each other.  For me, it’s all about what comes after, helping the couple understand what needs healing and repairing.  That’s when couples learn new bonding skills; how to listen, and how to ask for what each person needs from the other.  Couples learn how to feel connected again.  It’s a way back, a way back to what was good in the first place, a way to remember without all the heartache, another chance to get it right.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking.  We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say.  This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject.  Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue.  We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them.  We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks.  Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?”  Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought.  This is usually eye opening for the couple.  When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t.  We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment.  We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask.  And guess what happens if we do?  When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us.  When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too.  But starting with not assuming is the first step.  It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say).  But I realize that I am assuming I know.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to listen to what you think.  I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

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How to Stay Focused on the Good in a Relationship

When couples try and work out problems often they get derailed with the pain that sits between them and doesn’t seem to go away.  It’s not that couples don’t want to get closer; it’s just that they are stymied as to how to get around the hurt.  If one or both are carrying around some deep pain, how can the couple get together?

This is a situation people find themselves in, even when they are in counseling.  It’s one thing to understand the pain, resolve the hurt and move on, but sometimes it’s hard to even get to that first step.  So how do you keep two people, who believe they have something special between them, focused on the big picture?

I like to help couples see what’s good in their relationship; find five things that work, five things that make you feel alive, five things that you know to be true, five things that keep you in the relationship because they are good.  If you can find five things that are meaningful to you chances are you are willing to continue to work on the union and you will be able to see a big picture.

So what is the big picture? 

It’s the vision of what your relationship looks like when you are gazing at it through hopeful eyes.  Make sure
you add your senses too.  What does it feel like?  Are you safe and full of love?  What does it smell like?  Is it full of fresh air and forest, or salt and sand from a beach?  Where are you and your mate?  What age are you and your partner?  Maybe you want to write about this image.  Perhaps you want to paint it or draw with pencils.  How ever you may want to solidify your vision you should do so. This is your relationship.  It can be any color you want.  And your partner’s may be totally different.

Maybe that would be a good exercise too.  Both of you create your image of your partnership and then share the visions with each other.  You are both right.  You are both creators of your happiness.  See if there is agreement.  See if there is connection.  See if you like hers better, or his.  Be open to the other’s ideas.  Be grateful for their vision.  Be appreciative that they see themselves with you. 

Agree to work toward your collective visions.  Make a pact to walk the journey together.  These steps are not designed to remove all barriers.  Sometimes old hurts and resentments take focused effort to remove them.  Even so, in my experience, when a couple has a goal, some place to travel to together, they grow a sense of “us”; us on the road together, us building something together, us against the world together.

A sense of “us”, not two people in conflict, not two people separated by resentment, but two people undivided and together.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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Why it’s So Hard to Let Go of Resentment

Even when couples want to improve their relationship, if resentment has built up between them it will stand in the way.  Both know it’s there, no one knows what to do about it.  So what can you do?  One way is to seek counseling learn how to
get rid of it. 

Unfortunately the resentment is not a thing to be destroyed; it has become a part of the person who is holding on to it.  It’s with them when they wake in the morning and think of their mate.  It’s there when they talk to their friends.  It’s present in a conversation with their partner. It’s always there, like a thick fog that surrounds everything.

So when couples ask me what they can do to get rid of it I know the next thing I have to do is start explaining.  Explaining how resentment forms and what it takes to soften and fade.  Couples don’t want to hear me talk about this.  What they really want is for me to just give them tools to help them get rid of it, like buying a shovel when you have to dig up something.  Some couples implore me to give them the secret.  But I know there isn’t one. 

Most people who hold on to resentment believe that the other person has to do something to make the relationship better.  I know this isn’t the magic bullet either.  Releasing resentment in a relationship takes both people: the person who acted in a way that caused the hurt, and the person who is hurting.  Both have to be involved and willing to work through the resentment. 

The first phase is all about becoming aware of one’s part.  It’s not about blaming the other.  Each person must begin an internal dialogue with him or herself to understand what part of the action or event belongs to them.  It there are two people each has a role.  One may feel that the action was done to them and that may be true, but where was the silent partner?  Was he or she unavailable and distant?  Getting in touch with your part is crucial, and it’s the first step in your healing and the relationship’s health.

It can be a pivotal moment in the relationship when each person understands themselves as an individual with unique needs and desires, different then their partners.  The more you notice yourself, and that you are different than your mate, the better equipped you will be to resolve difficult issues between the two of you.  Understanding what you are feeling, and not confusing it with what he or she did to you will go a long way toward repair.

Once you know about your part and can identify your feelings you can ask your partner to hear you. Not fix or change your feelings, but just listen to what is going on inside you.  If someone is holding back some pain from an incident that happened a year or more ago there is still a wound that needs attention.  One way of attending to that pain is to ask the offender to listen to what it feels like to carry around the hurt.

If the goal of the couple is to move through and past the pain, each will have to be involved.  The one who does the listening will have to find a way to just hear the partner’s words.  The listener tries to understand the speaker.  The listener offers a safe place for the speaker to unfold and be heard.

The listener does not try and change the speaker’s words or defend an action.  The listener has the chance to understand why the speaker is holding on to the pain.  The listener has the opportunity to feel what the partner has been feeling.  Sometimes when couples reach this state it’s possible for true repair. Through empathy, feeling another’s pain, awareness can grow.

Perhaps the listener hears something new and wants to make amends.  This also leads to healing.

Because the pain is usually so deep, the process for moving through and beyond resentment must also been deep.  It’s hard to reveal one’s painful truth to another, but if a couple is ready to go this route, the benefits can be amazing. 

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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