When Our Partners Can’t Listen

Most of the time when two people in a relationship feel unhappy part of the problem is that they don’t feel heard by their partner. When we feel heard and understood we often feel validated and our problems seem to dissolve and we feel better. If our partner can’t hear what’s troubling us or what we need we feel alone and isolated.

So if it’s that simple, why is it so hard for couples to do it? Most of the couples I work with want to have a better relationship. They come to counseling because they want to feel close and connected again. Both people are usually pretty earnest about their intent. They see what they want to have, but they are usually stumped on how to achieve it.

Sometimes they blame the other person because they think if their partner really loved them they would know how to make them happy. Unfortunately many couples aren’t talking about what they want and need from their partner and that makes it difficult for the partner to know what to do.

Here’s what I see when couples can’t hear each other. One person says how they feel about something, or some incident. The person talking feels bad about what happened. What they want is for their partner to understand their pain. They want an audience from the person who knows them the best. They want to feel like their partner gets what happened to them. They might even want the partner to apologize. This means that the listener is not thinking about how guilty they feel for causing the pain. This means that the listener is also not thinking of ways the partner has hurt them and waiting to respond. But that’s usually what happens. One person talks, and the other person waits to retort and sometimes retaliate. No one is listening.

In order to feel heard, validated and get some resolution, the teller of the pain needs to just tell it to the person that may have caused it. That’s it, nothing more. This is part of the healing process that couples need to repair. One pained person talks about what happened to them. The other person listens without going into their pain. Unfortunately that’s the dance that most couples fall into. One person talks and the other person tops them. This starts a back and forth with no winner and no end. Both parties end up feeling exasperated, frustrated, drained and alone.

I help couples learn a new way to communicate. Both people get their say, but they have to take turns. It really doesn’t matter who goes first, but it does matter that the listener just do the job of listening so the talker gets heard. This does not come naturally. Most of us aren’t taught that sharing our pain actually helps us heal. Many of us learn that we must fight to be heard, that we have to express our pain in order to get relief. But that style usually leaves people feeling unhappy and alone.

Once couples learn these tools of being the talker and the listener they never feel alone in the relationship again. They might even feel terrific, realizing that their mate really cares.

Join Linda’s mailing list www.lindanusbaum.com

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Partners Swear at Each Other

Sometimes we want to make a point. Sometimes we have to make that point so clearly we use specific words that will drive the point home. Sometimes those words are swear words and sometimes we say them to people we love.

This is not a place that couples go willingly. No one starts a relationship with the notion that at some point they will be swearing and cursing at their partner, and yet I work with some couples who are in this very state and dumbfounded how they got there.

So how does this happen to a couple that starts off loving each other? In any relationship there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. These incidents are going to happen. Sometimes one person will do something that hurts the other and vice versa, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes on purpose.

If you feel attacked by your mate, or left out by your partner you may feel deeply wounded. Sometimes in a painful place people will lash out at the person who hurt them, often their partner. When people are deeply wounded they have to stop the pain, and swearing at their mate let’s them know of the depth of the pain.

I know there is a tremendous amount of suffering that leads a person to yell F*** you at their loved one. I believe that the person who is doing the cursing is trying to stop the unbearable pain inside them, and the only way they can do that is to fire back in the loudest most crushing way possible. This behavior immediately changes the situation and adds excitement, energy and anger. These changes then become the focus instead of exploring the original hurt that started the incident in the first place. That part gets lost in the venom.

The receiver on the other hand has options. He or she can fight fire with fire and yell back. They can walk away. They can leave.

Usually when the anger dies down, about a half an hour later, some couples can talk about the argument. Maybe there is even an apology from the person who swore. If a couple can engage like this, there is plenty of hope for the relationship.

But if two people just stay mad at each other and go days without speaking they are cementing a wall between them. The wall will probably become harder and harder, making it more difficult to dismantle, even with counseling. This state can also lead to resentment, where two people are just so tired of the other they begin to resent everything they do.

If you are in a relationship and you swear and curse at each other, try to realize your words do hurt the other. Take ownership of the harm your words create. Say you are sorry, make amends. This can be the beginning of resolution and healing for both of you.

In a relationship where couples swear at each other there is plenty of hurt. What’s missing is a chance to have your partner understand your pain and for you to understand theirs. This leads to true bonding, and that’s one thing most couples crave.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument. They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other. These patterns cement over time. When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard. Sometimes it’s really harsh. And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this. “You blank, blank, blank. You make me so blank mad. I hate you. I wish you were dead. I wish we never met.” Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time. Maybe this is your pattern. What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over.

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate. You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior. Most people I meet are embarrassed about it. Why embarrassment? Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong.

No one wins when someone yells. Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently. They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope. It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other. They came to therapy a few times. But I never got the sense that they were really in it.

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things. If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home. It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can. Each couple knows what they can handle. I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships. I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer. The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

Send me your comments at linda@lindanusbaum.com

Join my mailing list for monthly newsletters www.lindanusbaum.com

Top Five Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Most people know what doesn’t work in a relationship. If you thought about it, you could probably come up with your own list and it might include; yelling, blaming, criticizing, and ignoring each other. I think we can all agree that any physical violence would definitely be a relationship killer too.

People know inside themselves what doesn’t work in a relationship. You can feel it. I think we all know whether our relationship is in a good place or not.

Relationship experts know there are certain behaviors that get in the way of good communication and trust. These behaviors, over time, will corrode the quality and strength of the bond between two people. Sometimes the thread between a couple has deteriorated over time and it’s just too hard to repair.

But for many relationships, repairing and strengthening is exactly what is needed.

So first, here are The Five Top Relationship Killers, according to John Gottman, PhD. The worst things you can do in a relationship are the following:

Criticize – We all do it, and it hurts. Just imagine what it feels like when someone criticizes you. It feels terrible. You might even feel bad, like you’ve done something wrong. This is a top relationship killer.

Contempt – If you’ve ever felt this you will not forget it. It feels as if the one you love hates you. If you have felt it toward your partner, they have felt your hate. It hurts deeply.

Defensiveness – It’s not uncommon to defend yourself against unkind words or accusations. It’s something many of us do to protect ourselves. But if we go immediately to a defensive posture every time we feel threatened there is little room for true communication. The relationship loses.

Stonewalling – Not communicating is a posture many of us find ourselves in also. In this position we just don’t talk. We keep our feelings stuffed inside ourselves and we don’t communicate them to our partner. We just block them out and go about our business… alone.

Blame – Sometimes when we accuse the other of something we might initially feel better, but blaming the other for things they did or did not do is a sure fire way of starting something even bigger between the two of you, and that may be really unpleasant.

If you are in a relationship chances are you may dip into the above positions. That’s pretty normal. If you live in them you probably are feeling pretty lousy about your relationship and could be helped by couples counseling.

For a quick guide to help couples get closer let’s explore the word “attune” which means “to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship”.

Spelled out, here is your guide for closeness and understanding:

ATTUNE

A = Become aware of what you are feeling, especially if it is negative – This means you just look at what’s happening to you, that’s all, just get an idea of what you bring to the table.

T= Turn toward you partner, even if you are angry, don’t turn away and go upstairs and slam the door. Even when you are feeling your worst, turn toward you partner, don’t shut him or her out.

T= Remember to be Tolerant; there are at least two different opinions here, yours and your partner’s. Each of you is right. Take a step back to realize that both of you are here, not just you.

U= Understand where you partner is coming from. This part is hard if you are still wanting to get some relief from your partner because you got your feelings hurt or something, but it’s important to understand that each of you come from some place different and they are both valid.

N= Non-reactive responding. Don’t get upset when you talk. This is a hard one too because if you are still angry you may not be able to be calm and understanding and be able to listen without reacting. But if you can do it you are on your way to healing and connection.

E= Empathy, feeling your partners pain and other feelings. This is a wonderful place for a couple to be in. This is where you feel safe and you can say anything because you know your partner will listen and love you no matter what. This is the place where you feel accepted. When couples can get here, they pretty much can figure out the rest.

To improve our relationships, like anything else in life, it takes practice. It’s O.K. to try something new, especially when you realize the two of you could become happier.

Let me know what you think. Send me your comments. Let’s talk about it.

What To Do When It Feels Like Things Are Broken

Sometimes when people call to find out about couples counseling I can hear panic in their voice. I can sense a feeling of worry and fear. Something is broken and the person on the phone doesn’t know how to fix it and that’s why they are calling.

This is a terrible place to find yourself, not knowing if you can make it in your relationship, wondering if it’s broken, and daring to hope it can ever be better. All this is pressing on the individual who is making the call. It’s a helpless kind of feeling. As if all the things the person knew doesn’t amount to anything and they have to do something absolutely radically different to survive the current difficulty.

It’s a scary call to even consider. It’s an even harder call to make. And yet hundreds of people make these calls to therapists and counselors every day. They call because they are looking for help. Often they call because they fear everything they know will go away and they have one last effort to make before that happens.

What ever the reason, it’s always a good sign. People turn to others when what they know doesn’t work anymore. It’s O.K. to do this when our car breaks down, or if we need a medical check up and to get our taxes done. But when it comes to our relationships we are not taught to turn to outsiders to help get the relationships back on track. We are taught to take care of it ourselves. Maybe we are from the thinking that it’s not that bad, it could always be worse or, it will get better, eventually.

Most people feel their relationship is their business, not the business of an outsider, even a therapist. I get this. I understand this. It’s so hard to uncover all the parts that have been hidden from us, from our partner and lay them out in front of a stranger. I know. I also know it works. The process works. People get a chance, maybe for the first time in their lives to tell their entire story without someone telling them their vision is off or wrong.

That’s the beauty of counseling. It comes without judgment. Therapists are trained to help you say what will be helpful to you, understand what it is you feel and help you ask for what you need to be happy.

It’s so scary to move into this when you have relied on yourself or your partner for everything else. It’s so hard to even think that someone who doesn’t know you can actually help you make your life and relationship better.

And that’s exactly our training. That’s what therapists and counselors do. We help people feel better. It’s what I do and I love it.

When Couples Can’t Say What They Want To Say To Each Other

All the couples I work with have something in common. They want a better relationship with their partner. It’s universal. We as humans want to be loved. We want to feel safe, cared for, supported and nurtured. We want the best out of life and we want it from our mate.

This is true with all relationships. Who wants a relationship filled with hurt feelings, criticism, lack of support and silence? None of the couple I work with. In fact that’s usually what they talk about when I meet them. They tell me what’s in their relationship now; fighting, sadness, aloneness, and they tell me they want that gone so they can feel the love again.

Most people think counseling is a way to remove the barriers that have crept in overtime and kept the couple from feeling connected. The counselor is supposed to remove the barriers and then the couple is happy again.

One time a client walked into the room and stated, “So this is where the magic happens.” I laughed with him and responded, “Yes it is. In fact my magic wand is right over there.” We laughed again, but the truth behind that statement echoes what most people believe; therapy will fix the problem.

What I like to help people understand is that counseling helps couples understand themselves, their relationship and each other. I’m their guide to help them in the process. I know the real success lies in couples who can say everything to their partner without fear of hurting feelings or driving them away. I know that happy couples know how to listen to their partners without taking everything personally or feeling they have to argue to the death to win an argument.

There are very few rules for a good relationship. But these guidelines are important. They sound a lot like the good book, or the Ten Commandments or any other philosophy that treats others with compassion. They are simple because if you and your mate are conscious, you will not intentionally harm the other. If you accidently hurt the other, your mate can tell you about the hurt and you can make amends immediately. You recognize that holding on to hurt feelings harms you and your mate, it keeps you disconnected. You work hard to resolve difficulties because you know that if you don’t they will build and build and you will have walls between you that leads to all the stuff you don’t want.

The recipe for a good relationship is simple. The roadmap to getting there may not be. Each person brings to a relationship his and her experiences from a lifetime of living without the partner. Included in this history is an unconscious collection of rights and wrongs. This collection is a template that people fit their lives on to. The rights and wrongs keep us safe in our world. When people find their mate there is an unconscious expectation that the mate will automatically understand the partner’s right-and-wrong template. A person might think, if he or she really loved me, they would automatically know what I needed.

Unfortunately each person brings his and her own template, and they differ. Most people don’t talk about what they need in the relationship to keep them feeling safe and loved because most people don’t even think about it. It’s unconscious. You only are aware of it when it’s not working. Something happens and you feel misunderstood. Your perfect person doesn’t know that one important thing about you. They must be heartless, or even, the wrong person. The perfect person would know, automatically, because isn’t that what love is?

These are the issues you get to explore in counseling. You become conscious of when you expect something from your partner without asking for it. You gain the confidence in yourself to be able to ask for what you need. You stop blaming your mate for not giving you what you needed when you haven’t let them know what it is. It’s simple and it can be challenging. Even so, it’s worth it.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

Research shows it’s not the fight that hurts the relationship…It’s how you fight that determines lasting effects

According to The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010, in an article that ponders the question, “Is marriage good for your health?” surprising studies show that people who fight are not in danger. The research shows it’s not the fight that determines whether the marriage is good for you and your partner. It doesn’t matter how difficult the argument or how angry the fight, what matters is whether the people fighting stay connected. That’s right, you have to tell you partner right in the middle of a fight that you still love them. You have to find a way to grab their hand or call him or her a pet name, and you have to do this right in the middle of the argument or fight.

If you can do this you will have a happy heart and not suffer from stress. When we argue without connection to our partner we put stress on our hearts and other parts of our body. We get all keyed up and mad, sometimes we even get hateful. The key, according to research, is to find a way to make a connection with the person we are fighting with, during the argument.

Usually couples will have it out with each other and then they’ll have to wait until all the energy inside them dies down so they can talk to each other again, talk about what happened and start some sort of repair process to reconnect. Research shows us that if you can find a way to get out of the anger for just a second and make an overture to your partner, a small gesture or a couple of loving words are all that’s needed, you will keep yourself from getting into that mad zone that takes so long to come back from.

Going there, the mad place, and staying there, is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body. Your body is now dealing with enormous amounts of energy. It’s all stored up inside each of you and it has to go somewhere. Maybe some of it get’s released through loud words said to each other, but chances are if you are yelling at the other person you are pretty amped up and those feelings are going to take some time to dissipate. It’s this period that has the most negative impact on your body; elevated stress hormones, elevated risk of diabetes, elevated risk of heart disease, immune system weakens, increased risk of depression, nasty stuff to keep inside yourself.

Why not think of this now, before the next blow up. Talk with your partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and discuss the damage you each are doing to yourselves when you get in prolonged arguments. Gain an understanding of the toxicity that fighting without connecting can produce.

Maybe you can come up with your special way of connecting before the argument begins. Why not create a safe word or a funny phrase, a physical gesture or make a silly face. Anything will work, as long as it brings the two of you close. The idea isn’t to end the argument or fight. The technique is designed to give the two of you a place away from the war zone. It doesn’t even have to last a long time. It just has to last a moment. If you can do this the research says you will be served by your relationship, instead of it feeling like a weight.

Send your comments to Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com