But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other. I believe them. They say it with such great emotion. I know they mean it. I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work. They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other. Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen? When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out? It feels so great. It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect. Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work. I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff. Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person. The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset. It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally. I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other. I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens. This is helpful for a couple of reasons. When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate. This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way. It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard. As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner. Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other. If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad. This gets in the way of communication. I help couples say what needs to be said. I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better. And it doesn’t take that long. Most couples feel better after one or two sessions. It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need. Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it. These are all the communication skills you need. It’s a retooling of how you used to do things. That’s all it is. And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Relationships 101

As a couples specialist I know that every couple I counsel has a unique set of issues. Even so, I can say with confidence that every couple has at least one thing in common: they want to feel better in the relationship. So if two people love each other, why do they have such difficulty?

To put it simply, we don’t learn how to be in relationships when we couple, we just hope that things will work out.Couples want to be happy. They want to feel supported, understood, admired and loved. So why do the couples I counsel all say they don’t feel that? The reason has nothing to do with intent. I believe people who get together in relationships want to build something special together.

The problem is that people haven’t learned what qualities make a good relationship. Without knowing how to listen to each other, ask for what you need, or resolve disagreements without a fight, most couples knock into each other on a regular basis and get pretty bruised in the process. They end up angry and resentful, and/or disappointed and sad. It’s a terrible state to live in with someone you love.

So why does this happen? We learn a lot in our life. We learn how to be a student in school. We learn as a child how to relate to our parents. We learn how to follow rules. We learn how to exist in our world. We understand that we are entitled to a good life. We are also taught that when we meet the right person we will be happy, and everyone wants to be happy.

Here’s the problem, and it usually starts when we are young. Some of us see dysfunction in the families we grew up in and we make a vow to ourselves that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We have good intentions to live better, more peacefully. But all the intentions in the world can not teach us how to be in a relationship. These are not skills you can learn in one class. No one learns new behaviors in a day. It takes time to understand how to be a good partner and it takes practice to become one.

A good place to start is by answering the following questions. How do you speak to your partner? Are you kind and loving? Are you curt and angry? Do you resent your mate and show it by rolling your eyes and shrugging your shoulders? This is the first thing to notice. This is step one in Relationship 101. Be nice to your partner, period. You may be mad about something and want something resolved with him or her. This is a different matter. The first step to being in a good relationship is treating your partner with love, and that means speaking with kindness, all the time.

Step two involves learning how to resolve difficulties before they become fights. Maybe your parents modeled good resolution skills and you do this automatically. When issues arise you speak about them with your mate. You tell your side, you listen to your partner, you discuss the matter and you come to an understanding. Unless you learned how to do this as a child growing up, you probably exhibit very different behaviors when you get upset. Maybe you yell. Maybe you get quiet and sulk. Maybe you leave the room. If you do any of these, you could benefit from learning how to resolve issues more effectively.

Step three is about asking for what you need. Something happens to us when we fall in love. There’s this little, secret place where we feel really vulnerable and we believe our partner knows us so well that they will take care of all our needs, wants and desires that are kept hidden there. Of course they will, we tell ourselves; they know us intimately, they love us, they would never do anything to hurt us. This is a wonderful belief. Many people feel this way without being aware of it. Most people don’t talk about this with their partner. But that doesn’t prevent them from believing it and expecting their mate to solve all their problems and make life wonderful.

But this is a fantasy. People, even people who love us, don’t automatically know what we need deep down inside our soul. No one will ever know this unless you tell them. This may be one of the most difficult parts of learning how to be happy in a relationship. You must learn what you need, want and desire, and you must be able to ask your partner for it. No one can read your mind, even someone who loves you.

In couples counseling I help people understand the state of their relationship. Then we begin to implement new behaviors, paving the way for something better. This is one way to improve a relationship, and isn’t that what you want, too?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Re-marrying Your Spouse?

If you are thinking about tying the knot with the same person again, read my interview on the subject. Find out what you could do right the second time around.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5682480/remarrying_your_ex_spouse_how_to_make.html?cat=72

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Why Love Isn’t Enough

When people get together they feel love; forever,
unwavering, majestic love. It’s the kind
many of us dream about from our youth; the flowery, perfection we imagined love
to be when we were kids.

We all have some idea of what love should look and feel like. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be able to couple. But many of us have a deeply held belief that this is all we need to sustain a relationship. I call that an unconscious belief, developed from a child’s vision of what love is.

Nothing wrong with believing in love and it would be perfect if our partners had the same vision as ours. Then we could romp together in our fantasy of what life is supposed to be like. But that’s not usually the case. We select people who come from different ideas and backgrounds. And it’s safe to say our partners have their ideas about what love is supposed to look and feel like too.

So where does that leave most couples? Wishing their partners could join them in their vision and automatically understand and deliver what they need. In many relationships people sit in the belief that if their partners truly loved them, they would be able to give them what they needed to feel great. Because there is love in the relationship that should be enough for the relationship to be the best ever… only it isn’t.

I work with a lot of couples who love each other. But it may have been a long time since they’ve felt the closeness each other they remember. They know it existed once, but it feels like a long time ago and they don’t know how to get it back. While no two couples are the same, the issues they struggle with are often similar.

What’s missing from most relationships is the understanding; real understanding of what sits in the way and blocks the love, and an understanding of what is missing in each person’s life from the other. Once each person becomes aware of what stands in the way of his or her tenderness toward the other, then the couple can discover what each person wants from the other. When this is realized each person can learn how to ask the partner for what they would like, instead of hoping the partner would just deliver.

This builds true understanding and that builds compassion and compassion may just be the adult version of the child’s idea of love.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Top Five Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Most people know what doesn’t work in a relationship. If you thought about it, you could probably come up with your own list and it might include; yelling, blaming, criticizing, and ignoring each other. I think we can all agree that any physical violence would definitely be a relationship killer too.

People know inside themselves what doesn’t work in a relationship. You can feel it. I think we all know whether our relationship is in a good place or not.

Relationship experts know there are certain behaviors that get in the way of good communication and trust. These behaviors, over time, will corrode the quality and strength of the bond between two people. Sometimes the thread between a couple has deteriorated over time and it’s just too hard to repair.

But for many relationships, repairing and strengthening is exactly what is needed.

So first, here are The Five Top Relationship Killers, according to John Gottman, PhD. The worst things you can do in a relationship are the following:

Criticize – We all do it, and it hurts. Just imagine what it feels like when someone criticizes you. It feels terrible. You might even feel bad, like you’ve done something wrong. This is a top relationship killer.

Contempt – If you’ve ever felt this you will not forget it. It feels as if the one you love hates you. If you have felt it toward your partner, they have felt your hate. It hurts deeply.

Defensiveness – It’s not uncommon to defend yourself against unkind words or accusations. It’s something many of us do to protect ourselves. But if we go immediately to a defensive posture every time we feel threatened there is little room for true communication. The relationship loses.

Stonewalling – Not communicating is a posture many of us find ourselves in also. In this position we just don’t talk. We keep our feelings stuffed inside ourselves and we don’t communicate them to our partner. We just block them out and go about our business… alone.

Blame – Sometimes when we accuse the other of something we might initially feel better, but blaming the other for things they did or did not do is a sure fire way of starting something even bigger between the two of you, and that may be really unpleasant.

If you are in a relationship chances are you may dip into the above positions. That’s pretty normal. If you live in them you probably are feeling pretty lousy about your relationship and could be helped by couples counseling.

For a quick guide to help couples get closer let’s explore the word “attune” which means “to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship”.

Spelled out, here is your guide for closeness and understanding:

ATTUNE

A = Become aware of what you are feeling, especially if it is negative – This means you just look at what’s happening to you, that’s all, just get an idea of what you bring to the table.

T= Turn toward you partner, even if you are angry, don’t turn away and go upstairs and slam the door. Even when you are feeling your worst, turn toward you partner, don’t shut him or her out.

T= Remember to be Tolerant; there are at least two different opinions here, yours and your partner’s. Each of you is right. Take a step back to realize that both of you are here, not just you.

U= Understand where you partner is coming from. This part is hard if you are still wanting to get some relief from your partner because you got your feelings hurt or something, but it’s important to understand that each of you come from some place different and they are both valid.

N= Non-reactive responding. Don’t get upset when you talk. This is a hard one too because if you are still angry you may not be able to be calm and understanding and be able to listen without reacting. But if you can do it you are on your way to healing and connection.

E= Empathy, feeling your partners pain and other feelings. This is a wonderful place for a couple to be in. This is where you feel safe and you can say anything because you know your partner will listen and love you no matter what. This is the place where you feel accepted. When couples can get here, they pretty much can figure out the rest.

To improve our relationships, like anything else in life, it takes practice. It’s O.K. to try something new, especially when you realize the two of you could become happier.

Let me know what you think. Send me your comments. Let’s talk about it.