I Am Sad and My Partner Doesn’t Even Notice

Sometimes couples can stand even the hardest things. Take two people who love each other and who have been together for a while. He is oblivious about his wife’s feelings and she is a mess. Make no mistake, they love each other and they long to be happy, but the truth is they haven’t a clue how to get there.

Being in a relationship with the person we love is one of life’s greatest joys. Many of us long for that special person who we can just feel safe and happy and at home with. Most of us don’t need a lot. Love is really simple, a good connection, care, compassion, understanding. That’s really what people want from their beloved.

How Problems Begin in a Relationship

As a couples counselor I’m sometimes asked if there are common themes among the couples I treat. I usually answer this question with a no because I believe every individual is unique, and that difference contributes to the special qualities of each couple. No two couples are the same.

But lately I’ve begun to realize that couples with difficulties do share a common theme. They all experience some sort of misunderstanding. When people don’t feel understood they can feel left out. Sometimes they get angry or experience isolation from their partner. And if these misunderstandings just get swept under the rug without receiving appropriate attention, a couple may be headed toward difficulty. Unresolved misunderstandings are the beginning signs that a relationship could use some help.

You might be saying to yourself, it can’t be that simple. Misunderstandings can’t be the culprit alone, right? You are right, it’s not just the misunderstandings, it’s what follows. When one person feels like the other person did not understand or “get” them, they feel like they were not seen by their mate. They feel like their partner who is supposed to know them doesn’t understand them. This is the beginning of feeling misunderstood by the person who is your partner. If the one who feels misunderstood continues to try and explain and this still doesn’t work, hurt feelings may result. If those hurt feelings don’t get attention and understanding, they can build into something harder, like anger or resentment.

Feeling understood by your partner is not only essential for your relationship, it’s necessary for you as a person to feel good in the world. Humans are hardwired to connect to other humans. When we reach out and we can’t get that connection we feel let down, and sad. This can even lead to withdrawal.

Maybe you’ve noticed your partner withdrawing after a disagreement. He or she may be feeling misunderstood, and that can lead to feelings of loneliness and a belief that you are unlovable. Not every disagreement will evoke these emotions, but chances are if you and your partner spend a lot of time misunderstanding each other it’s likely both of you feel pretty lousy about yourself and your relationship. You might even feel angry at your mate because you believe he or she is supposed to “get” you no matter what. And if your partner doesn’t get you, you might tell yourself it’s because they are just too stubborn to care. Those thoughts lead to even more separation between two people.

Sometimes in relationships when couples aren’t getting what they need from their partners they can start to blame the other. “It’s his fault.” “It’s her fault.” “He makes me feel…” “She always complains that I…” What drives the complaint is how we feel. If those feelings had words they might sound like, “I’m unhappy here. I wish you could just understand me.”

Some couples go years without ever feeling understood by their partner. If this is your life it may mean you are essentially living alone inside yourself, without having an ally or best friend to share your thoughts and feelings with. Imagine a relationship where you always feel understood, and you could share your thoughts and feelings with your best friend who wanted to share them. Now that makes a great relationship. I believe everyone can learn new skills to communicate with their partner. Like learning how to listen to the other person and how to ask for what you need, essential tools to avoid misunderstandings.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Our Partners Can’t Listen

Most of the time when two people in a relationship feel unhappy part of the problem is that they don’t feel heard by their partner. When we feel heard and understood we often feel validated and our problems seem to dissolve and we feel better. If our partner can’t hear what’s troubling us or what we need we feel alone and isolated.

So if it’s that simple, why is it so hard for couples to do it? Most of the couples I work with want to have a better relationship. They come to counseling because they want to feel close and connected again. Both people are usually pretty earnest about their intent. They see what they want to have, but they are usually stumped on how to achieve it.

Sometimes they blame the other person because they think if their partner really loved them they would know how to make them happy. Unfortunately many couples aren’t talking about what they want and need from their partner and that makes it difficult for the partner to know what to do.

Here’s what I see when couples can’t hear each other. One person says how they feel about something, or some incident. The person talking feels bad about what happened. What they want is for their partner to understand their pain. They want an audience from the person who knows them the best. They want to feel like their partner gets what happened to them. They might even want the partner to apologize. This means that the listener is not thinking about how guilty they feel for causing the pain. This means that the listener is also not thinking of ways the partner has hurt them and waiting to respond. But that’s usually what happens. One person talks, and the other person waits to retort and sometimes retaliate. No one is listening.

In order to feel heard, validated and get some resolution, the teller of the pain needs to just tell it to the person that may have caused it. That’s it, nothing more. This is part of the healing process that couples need to repair. One pained person talks about what happened to them. The other person listens without going into their pain. Unfortunately that’s the dance that most couples fall into. One person talks and the other person tops them. This starts a back and forth with no winner and no end. Both parties end up feeling exasperated, frustrated, drained and alone.

I help couples learn a new way to communicate. Both people get their say, but they have to take turns. It really doesn’t matter who goes first, but it does matter that the listener just do the job of listening so the talker gets heard. This does not come naturally. Most of us aren’t taught that sharing our pain actually helps us heal. Many of us learn that we must fight to be heard, that we have to express our pain in order to get relief. But that style usually leaves people feeling unhappy and alone.

Once couples learn these tools of being the talker and the listener they never feel alone in the relationship again. They might even feel terrific, realizing that their mate really cares.

Join Linda’s mailing list www.lindanusbaum.com

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Couples Stop Communicating

Some people stay in their relationships even when they feel distant from their partner. I’ve seen couples spend decades with a person they don’t really know, or think about. They just find a way to exist inside the relationship. It’s like they
live alone, even though they are a couple.

People who find themselves in this type of situation might wonder if their life is happy enough. They might quietly ask themselves if they could have a better life by making some changes. Maybe they resign themselves and just accept their circumstances.

I’ve worked with couples who have been together for decades. They tell me they don’t want to end their marriage. They tell me they love the other person. What I often see are two people who believe they know each other so well they don’t even see the other person anymore. They’ve become people who can answer the other’s sentences. They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it. The curiosity and wonder about their mate has vanished.

They come to counseling to get “better”. They want what they used to have; closeness, laughter, possibilities. They want me to help them find it again, as if it’s just hidden somewhere and I can use my therapeutic x-ray vision to spot it. I wish it was this easy. I wish I could just help couples feel good about being in their relationship again.

But I know it’s not that simple. I do have good vision, and I can probably help couples see what happened to their relationship and why they feel the way they do. This is often helpful, but it’s just the beginning. The real work comes
when each person wants to have a better relationship and isn’t expecting the other to make it better for them.

If one or both people in the relationship are waiting for the other to change, that relationship is going to stay the same. It isn’t up to one person to make it different for the other. A relationship improves when both people look at themselves.
When each person starts to see how they talk, and react to the other person, then there’s a good chance for change.

In counseling each person begins to understand what he or she is about. They learn what they have wanted and needed from the other person and they acquire the skills to ask for it. If a couple wants to save a relationship it’s likely both want to see their partner happy. If this is your situation why not try counseling, dig in and fight for what you really want; love, closeness, understanding, kindness, support.