Looking Underneath

There are many reasons why people seek counseling. One of the most common is that they are unhappy in their lives. They know something doesn’t feel right, and they long for a time, place, and feeling of something better. They can’t really describe this place but they know they want it.

These clients I’m describing are all successful. They’ve built something with their lives; careers, relationships, families. They are rooted in what they do and their responsibilities. They may be proud of their accomplishments too. Yet sometimes they say they feel like a fraud because of a hollow place inside.

I know, having changed careers to become a therapist, I’ve gone through my own challenges trying to find that better, more peaceful place that many of my clients seek. I know it’s hard to look underneath everything you have constructed and you know to be true and have lived for the last 20, 30, or 40 years.

But unhappiness is a terrific motivator. When people are unhappy in their lives they will do what they do best, look for a way out of the unhappiness. Often this search leads to counseling and that path leads to understanding the self.

What does the person want out of life? What makes the person happy? What would the person like to change? These are simple questions. Yet the answers are sometimes very hard to know, because most people are too busy with their lives to really look.

So look now at your life. Are you in a place that feels right? Are you content? Notice I’m not asking if you are happy. I know that this feeling is fleeting. It’s great to be happy. Finding what makes you happy is what I am interested in and that journey takes practice. It starts with you saying yes to you.

If you live in a place where you say to yourself “I should” before everything you do, I’ll bet you feel tired and overworked. If your way of being consists of saying “no” a lot it’s possible you experience anxiety and stress. In both these cases “self care” is probably on the back burner. Self care; I talk about this a lot. You may be saying to yourself “I don’t have time to be selfish.”

Sometimes we don’t know how to honor ourselves with self care. We may be experts at helping others, and we may be accustomed to putting our needs last. By the time we get around to taking care of ourselves we are exhausted, and we might even get mad.

I like to help people learn to attend to their needs, wants and desires. That doesn’t mean you have to ignore everything you already do in your life. It just means you make you a priority to you. You learn how to take care of yourself in a way that feels good to you. This is where you grow, like developing a new muscle. And you know that unhappiness I talked about earlier? When people find a way to take care of themselves they feel less unhappiness.

Feeling content, grounded and peaceful, I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t long for it.

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Why We Suffer

Sometimes when life is too good we wonder if we really deserve it. If we are used to living a life of struggle this thought might occur to us. You probably believe that you really want to be happy, but your experiences show you that happiness is not possible; your history reveals more experiences of struggle and suffering.

The things we want most; happiness, freedom, ease, all seem to get pushed aside for the more familiar feeling of suffering. We don’t do this on purpose. We do this out of habit.

So how do we learn to accept the good in our lives? How do we find a way to just receive the happiness, freedom and ease that has eluded us all these years?

We start by noticing. Notice when you feel the good stuff. Notice when you feel the other, the struggle and the difficulty. Notice what is happening in your body. If you are in a good place chances are you are feeling light and full. If you are
suffering or in a bad place you might use words like dark or negative, or phrases like, “It feels as if I’m under a dark cloud.”

When we notice these things about ourselves we are gaining awareness. So why is awareness important? Because we ultimately want to understand ourselves so we can notice how often we go into the dark place and how seldom we allow the good place in.

Sometimes it feels like things just happen to us, and they do. But we can begin to understand how we react to things when they happen and begin to become aware of how we automatically, unconsciously play out the same old reaction.

Do we tense up when we feel threatened, angry or in danger? Do we relax when we feel safe? These are good things to learn about you. Once you understand your own reaction to situations then you can begin to explore your patterns. You might learn that you tense up when you feel unsafe and you freeze. This is good to know because when you understand your reaction you may want to try something else to see what could happen. Maybe you want to have a conversation with yourself and ask, “What am I afraid of? Is there really danger or am I just following a pattern?” If you observe there is
nothing to be afraid of maybe you can tell yourself the next time, “I am going to (take the action) because there is nothing to be afraid of.”

Many people want to make changes in their lives. They want to be happy and peaceful. The first step starts with you observing and understanding you. Once you become an expert on your patterns and reactions to life you will be able to make the right changes for you.

How do you know what the right change will be? You already know. When the right changes occur, you feel good; your body feels in alignment with the rest of you. That’s how you know you have made the right decision for you. Take a moment to understand what good feels like in your body. Then when you feel it you will know. The right answer and action will send all the right messages to your body. To know this about yourself you have to study yourself.

But isn’t that something you do already? Don’t you know more about yourself than anyone? Why not take the next step for you by taking a stand and telling yourself this, “I want to live a life free from suffering, and I’m willing to learn more about myself in order to do that.”

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How to Stay Focused on the Good in a Relationship

When couples try and work out problems often they get derailed with the pain that sits between them and doesn’t seem to go away. It’s not that couples don’t want to get closer; it’s just that they are stymied as to how to get around the hurt. If one or both are carrying around some deep pain, how can the couple get together?

This is a situation people find themselves in, even when they are in counseling. It’s one thing to understand the pain, resolve the hurt and move on, but sometimes it’s hard to even get to that first step. So how do you keep two people, who believe they have something special between them, focused on the big picture?

I like to help couples see what’s good in their relationship; find five things that work, five things that make you feel alive, five things that you know to be true, five things that keep you in the relationship because they are good. If you can find five things that are meaningful to you chances are you are willing to continue to work on the union and you will be able to see a big picture.

So what is the big picture?

It’s the vision of what your relationship looks like when you are gazing at it through hopeful eyes. Make sure
you add your senses too. What does it feel like? Are you safe and full of love? What does it smell like? Is it full of fresh air and forest, or salt and sand from a beach? Where are you and your mate? What age are you and your partner? Maybe you want to write about this image. Perhaps you want to paint it or draw with pencils. How ever you may want to solidify your vision you should do so. This is your relationship. It can be any color you want. And your partner’s may be totally different.

Maybe that would be a good exercise too. Both of you create your image of your partnership and then share the visions with each other. You are both right. You are both creators of your happiness. See if there is agreement. See if there is connection. See if you like hers better, or his. Be open to the other’s ideas. Be grateful for their vision. Be appreciative that they see themselves with you.

Agree to work toward your collective visions. Make a pact to walk the journey together. These steps are not designed to remove all barriers. Sometimes old hurts and resentments take focused effort to remove them. Even so, in my experience, when a couple has a goal, some place to travel to together, they grow a sense of “us”; us on the road together, us building something together, us against the world together.

A sense of “us”, not two people in conflict, not two people separated by resentment, but two people undivided and together.

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