First off, no one plans to have a disagreement with the person they love. We love who we love and we want to be in harmony with them. So why is it so hard for many of us to stop fighting in a relationship? Why is it that the fights pretty much determine whether a relationship will last or not?
People come to me saying, “My husband blames me for everything,” or “My wife blames me for everything.” Here’s a look at why people look to blame another when they feel hurt.
Many of us automatically look for someone to blame when we get mad. This is very common; humans often look for someone to take responsibility when something bad happens. So what’s wrong with blaming another person when we get upset? If a lot of people do this why even talk about it?
Well, people get defensive, they get mad, and they fight. They don’t have to. Learn how to break the pattern.
I am a couples counselor. I work with people in relationships to help them resolve their problems and difficulties. But I wonder if people ever really ask themselves if their relationship is okay.
And if they did question whether their relationship was working, what would let them know it was? I believe it’s easy to tell if your relationship is workable. To know if yours qualifies, just ask yourself how long it takes the two of you to mend after an upset, argument or fight.
I often listen to many couples tell me about their fighting practices with each other. Some even tell me that they think they are pretty good at it. Occasionally people tell me they want their partner to improve so they can have better fights. People, and I mean a lot of people assume that fighting is just a natural and expected part of being in a relationship. Everyone fights, right?
As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with couples and who is in a successful relationship herself, I can answer that question with a certain amount of authority. No. Everyone does not fight. Everyone does not stand his or her ground and repeat his or her position and defend that position until the cows come home. No not everyone does this with their partner.
But all of us watch the news, television sit-coms and reality programs and see couples fighting all the time. It seems like the norm. We watch it frequently, so we accept that it’s just what happens. Couples may have the false impression that when a person stands up for himself or herself in a relationship they are being assertive. There may even be a short lived benefit to saying something firm to your partner. But there is also the wreckage; hurt feelings, being misunderstood, cut off from your loved one and alone.
You may be wondering to yourself how people communicate if they don’t get firm and assertive with the other. How do they get their point across when the other person isn’t listening? You may even wonder if people just roll over and let their partner walk all over them so there won’t be a fight. It’s hard to imagine exactly what communication could look like if you have been spending your relationship years locked in battle.
I know this pattern. I learned this in the family I grew up in. When people got their feelings hurt or felt wronged by someone they verbally attacked the offender. “Why did you drink my milk?” Then there was the retort. “Because, I needed it for my cereal.”
“Well you are selfish!” “You are selfish!” This back and forth was so familiar to my ears and my way of communicating it took a lot of work to get out of the habit of blaming the other person for my difficulties.
And that’s what has to happen. Each person in a relationship has a responsibility to the other to be good to the other. If you blame the other for something you are throwing down a gauntlet saying “The fight is on!”
Do you really want to make your beloved the bad guy? Really, there are other ways to get your needs met. Learn them. Unplug from a destructive pattern. It just plain feels better. I know.
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As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery. The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship. This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client. Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another? What would happen to the relationship?” These types of questions played out in this person’s mind. The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.
This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern. Then during a recent session I noticed something new. The anguish was gone. There was no more worry from the client. There was a greater sense of calm.
How did this happen? The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it. Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound. This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change. This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing. This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.
This takes courage and self control. This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur. This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy. I was surprised and grateful.
I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering. The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen. The client let go of trying to do anything. The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen. And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.
I often talk a lot about being present. Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad. Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails. What we learn is to trust in ourselves. We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.
This is true freedom. This allows for real happiness. We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome. When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do. And somehow that seems to be just enough.
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I was counseling a couple recently and as the session was coming to a close I was asked point blank, “How many couples come to see you with infidelity?” I had to stop for a moment and think, “About 30% of the couples I treat work with infidelity issues,” I answered.
Then I thought: That’s what I see, but I bet most couples probably don’t even make it as far as the counseling room. Where cheating is involved, many couples likely break up after the affair is revealed.
I am thinking of tales from history — people I used to know before becoming a counselor, and just stories of friends and acquaintances who have had a cheating mate. Most quit. Most say adios. Most don’t even think about ending the relationship they just throw the cheating mate out. Just stop the pain of the betrayal and quit.
I might do the same, I don’t know. I don’t make any judgments about how people react because all of us are different and come with all kinds of experiences that influence how we might respond.
Some people could never recover from this kind of break. Others who come in for counseling find ways to deal with it. It’s hard, but it’s possible to wade through the issues that led up to the betrayal in the first place, because that’s what’s needed.
No one starts a serious relationship they care about planning to cheat. Having a relationship outside the marriage happens when two people are not connected in a deep way anymore.
The cheating, or betrayal, didn’t just happen; it started way before there was even a thought of acting. It’s during those times when a couple is probably taking each other for granted, and they are just not conscious of how each other is feeling. That’s when distance can set in.
It’s not uncommon for couples to be blindsided by their partner’s betrayal. But after looking at what preceded the cheating, people get understanding of how they might have been inattentive to their mate.
Now that’s not an excuse for finding another outside the relationship, but it helps to understand what led up to it.
For couples to rebuild and heal, though, there has to be some heavy lifting. It takes a lot for a couple to come into a counseling room after a severe break like this. The story of how the infidelity came to light get’s told again and the person who did the cheating feels humiliated and guilty. It takes courage to tell a complete stranger about a shameful act.
Sometimes spouses will read a phone text, or call a suspected phone number. Others will confront the person who had an affair with their mate. There is sometimes so much anger that it just gets sprayed in all directions. Sometimes it’s easier to dislike the other woman or man than to get mad at the person you love. You may feel intense hate toward your partner for what they did to you, but you still love them.
Maybe there is great remorse from your mate and you feel hopeful, but that feeling of being lied to and betrayed starts creeping in and you start seeing your partner with another and then you start wondering if he or she really loves you at all because if they did then HOW COULD THEY BE WITH ANOTHER!
The feelings are so complex. It’s really hard to know whether a couple can make it through the pain. Can the wounded one forgive? Can the pained one learn to trust again without getting a phone call or text twenty times a day? Can the one who cheated stop from feeling like the worst person on earth for hurting the one person who loves them? Can both learn a new way to communicate their feelings honestly even when those feelings are sad and mad ones?
For couples to move forward there has to be awareness — awareness of where each person was before the breach. There has to be healing and maybe amends so the wounded one can feel better. There has to be the beginning of true connection and understanding.
It takes a shift; it takes falling off a cliff again without a guarantee. It takes faith, and hope, and sometimes, sometimes it works.
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Many couples tell me how much they love their partner. They sit on a couch in my office with their mate next to them and they profess their love. I listen to them convince me. Then the other person adds their voice, “I love him too.” They are very sure of themselves as if there is nothing more truthful in the world.
I hear these pronouncements often, and then I listen to how these two people actually treat each other when they are not professing their love, and it’s not very nice.
“He called me a @#$%”. “She said I was (something belittling here)”. Usually when I hear these tirades I can feel the bitterness and anger from each person. It’s so thick you can actually feel it inside the therapy room. I try and wade through the discontent to understand what they mean when they tell me that they love each other.
I think people believe that if they are with a person long enough, their shared history makes it love. I think some couples convince themselves they are in love and are loved by their partner just because they have been a part of each other’s lives longer than any other relationship.
I don’t disbelieve that couples who act like this really love each other; it’s just that I don’t think they feel very happy in the relationship treating their partner the way they do and feeling the same treatment in return. People who are happy in their relationships generally don’t belittle or rage at each other. It’s my experience that if people harbor resentment and anger toward their mates then that’s usually how they will communicate with them, with words full of anger and resentment. On occasion when couples are not angry at each other they can sometimes find closeness and soft, loving words, like, “You know I love you”. When they hear those words they are lulled into the idea that they are loved, and all will be right with the world.
It’s just a band-aid though, until the next time there’s a big blow up. Then these couples go right back to the fighting words first, not the soft, loving ones. Couples who live in this kind of cycle go through extremes with each other; intense hate and intense love.
Isn’t that love they ask me? Sure I say, it’s some kind of love, but my question to each person is, are you happy? Are you happy in your life? Are you happy with your mate? Do you feel good? Do you believe your relationship is good? Do you feel supported? Do you feel appreciated? Are you treated with kindness? How do you treat your partner? Do you support him or her? Are you treating him or her with kindness?
The answers to these questions will tell me a lot more about whether there is love than the words “Of course I love him” or “She knows I love her.”
Anyone can say the words “I love you”. We all know that isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to help us feel nurtured and whole in our life. What’s needed is deep consideration for the other person and an unshakable faith in knowing that making your partner happy will be the best effort you can ever make.
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All of us get mad at our mates. Even therapists get mad at their partners. I did last week and it was a big one. You might even call it a tantrum. Yes, I had a tantrum. I was pretty sure my reasons were valid for having this blowup. I was very convinced that my mate was hurting me intentionally with a particular situation so I had all the right in the world to get mad.
Well this is what I think I was thinking when I was winding up. I had just learned that my husband was going to be working all weekend. I had been thinking about a nice relaxing Sunday with him, knowing that he always works Saturdays. But NO, he informs me Friday afternoon that he has to work Sunday.
I see that relaxing day with him I had been looking forward to evaporate and I get scared, I think. I feel alone, small and like no one cares, or something like that. But what ever I am feeling the next words out of my mouth are, "I'm really mad about this!" Then I ask him to come into the kitchen where I'm mixing a protein drink. I tell him I want to talk about this because I'm really mad. He wants to leave but I ask him to stay and then I start to rant. "It's not fair. I'm not going to see you all weekend." He reminds me that he has to work an occasional Sunday.
I know this but I feel like I've been blindsided without any warning so I continue in a high pitched angry, accusatory voice. "I don't care. I am just mad that I won't be with you." This conversation goes nowhere and he retreats to the den. I calm down a little until I realize that he is also gone this evening for work, so he's gone Friday night, Saturday and Sunday during the day. When I remember this I get going all over again. "And I just remembered you are working tonight," I scream.
Now I am really mad. I even go into the den to make my point more dramatically.
I head back to the kitchen where I am fuming as I continue to mix my drink. It comes in one of those shakers that you drink out of so I start to shake it and in a blink of an eye it spurts out and I am covered all over with a thick brown goo, all over my nice "professional therapy" clothes. Then I shriek like there is no tomorrow. I am complaining about the mess in a high-pitched yell. Then I get mad because my husband didn't come in to see what was wrong.
I storm upstairs to change my clothes saying to him, "Why didn't you come in to see what happened? I spilled the drink all over myself." I throw off my drink-covered clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor. I change into something else and I head downstairs. I glance into the kitchen and there is my husband cleaning up the mess. I am still mad, at this point even though I'm not sure at what and I announce to him, "Just throw the drink away. I don't want it anymore." And with that I exit the house and head to work.
I calm down because I have to get back into work mode. I have a break and I head home to get something to eat. I know my husband has gone to work. I open the den door and there, on top of the table is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a note that reads, "I want to be with you always." The you is underlined. I feel loved and ashamed in the same moment. I feel like a silly little girl who just didn't get her way so she made a big old fuss. I call him and say, "Thank you so much for the flowers. I am so sorry I was a child who had a tantrum." He says, "Yeah you really had a big tantrum, especially when you spilled the drink." He asks if he can call me back because he's busy and I say I will be busy too, not necessary. Then I ask him this, "Are we good?" He says, "Yeah, we're good."
I tell this story to a colleague and she says you should get him something too. After leaving work I stop at the store and get him a card and a little trinket, making sure he sees them first thing when he comes home tonight from work.
The next morning I check to see if there is any residue. Nope, just us. Do I feel good about what I did? No, I feel silly. Did it kill us and make us hate each other? No, just the opposite. He found out how important he is to me, I found out how important I am to him. We just had to wade through some muck for this beautiful wisdom.
I haven't raged in years. I can't say it felt good. It just was. No one is perfect. We are all just human. I hope I don't rage again for many, many years. But even if I do, I know there is always something I can do about it. I can repair. So can you.
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Many of us grew up needing to have the last word when we got into an argument. It just doesn’t feel right if we can’t say what we have to say after the other person has said their piece. We just want to finish the exchange with our own ending note.
It’s not uncommon to see this interaction when two people are discussing issues important to both of them. It’s also not uncommon to see this type of behavior between two people who are in a relationship. He says one thing, she says another, he has to top her, she has to top him and so on. We’ve all seen it; we may even have engaged in it.
On some level it can be satisfying, putting the other person in their place, having the last word and really saying or acting out something dramatic that makes our point. Yes, sometimes we even feel better when we can have the last word and end with a flourish, like slamming a door, or stomping up stairs, or using a cuss word or flipping someone off. There’s something very satisfying about really feeling like we have been heard. Unfortunately, when two people are locked in this sort of contest no one is listening to the other; both are just waiting for their turn.
These dramatic moments can also cause harm to two people who are in a relationship. Sometimes there is real damage done during these matches, hurtful things are said, painful slights are seared into us.
Some of this sparing may remind us of squabbling with a sibling or a childhood friend. If we learned it at a young age we might even feel confidence when we spar with another person. We may grow to rely on these skills as we get older and might even use them with our mate in our adult relationship.
Sometimes they are funny and can be laughed at in a calmer state. But more often than not they are hurtful and leave wounds. We carry around these scars and feel terrible and angry. Maybe we get zinged, maybe we zing our beloved. If we engage, it’s likely we leave something behind, some residue of hurt feelings that may get buried over the next time there is a spat. Maybe we even compile all the zingers and hurl them back at each other reusing them again and again.
So what do we do about these actions? Why not talk about them with our partner. Why not have a discussion about how it feels to hurl these slights and how it feels to receive them. Why not find out if there are some bruises left over from past arguments. If the bruises are still tender chances are it’s possible to have some real connection with your mate. Maybe you both agree on what you won’t say again. Maybe if you are the offender you can apologize. This can go a long way to healing pain. What you don’t want is for couples to wall up against the other because of all the slights. This can lead to resentment which can leave each person living behind his or her own wall of bricks, afraid to connect for fear of being hurt.
No couple wants to live with resentment toward their partner. Living behind walls of resentment cuts down on closeness. And that’s really what couples want, to be close, to feel safe and loved, free from those hurtful zingers.
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Couples, no matter how long they have been together, can find themselves in situations that feel oppressive. Both people are looking for relief from the other person but instead of finding relief they can become frustrated. The longer they stay locked in this system of frustration, the more they feel exhausted and drained.
Some couples stay in challenging situations with the hope that they will get better on their own. Sometimes they do. Many times they don’t and people go from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to becoming angry and resentful.
Once they have reached this stage they might even begin to think that the relationship is doomed, hopelessly broken and they have to break up. The relationship is broken, but I don’t think it’s hopeless.
As a couples counselor I see possibilities. The couple may feel the system of relating can’t be changed, but I know that with awareness it could actually be softened and improved. Unfortunately what some couples can’t seem to find though, is the idea that they could feel better. They remember the good times when they fell in love and they just can’t fathom how they could ever get back to that place again.
When couples do come in for counseling, despite how negative they might seem about whether they could ever feel better, I know just coming in for therapy is a step toward preserving and improving the relationship.
During the first session I help the couple find their way back to something meaningful between them again. I begin by helping couples understand their current situation. When each person can recognize how their behavior impacts the other, they get awareness of why they feel so hopeless, and maybe why their partner gets upset with them.
Once they have that awareness it’s easier to make changes in behavior, because each person gets clued in on how new or different behaviors will impact their partner, and it’s usually for the better. Each person begins to understand that when their partner feels good, they feel good. And that’s what everyone wants; to feel better.
Understanding the dynamics of the situation is a lot like stepping outside the system and taking a look at it. Once observed, couples can become more energized just thinking about the possibility of the system changing with just a few alterations. Once a couple can witness their system of failure, making any changes might even feel exhilarating.
The good news is that couples counseling works. If two people are willing to take a step toward being happier together, counseling will work. If people are still blaming their partner for making them feel miserable, counseling will not. Loving your mate starts with you, not your partner.
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