Always Mad at Your Mate

One tip off that you are perpetually mad at your partner is how you feel when you are about to see them. Does the thought of being with him or her excite you? If so, this is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship. But if the idea of spending time with your mate drives you up a wall, or even makes you tense up, you may want to take a closer look at your partnership.

If you get stressed out while driving home, or if you get stressed out when your loved one is about to return home, you may find yourself living in various stages of distress. This distress can cause chronic stress and anguish. Maybe you tense up, trying to gage what kind of mood your mate is in. Maybe you can’t relax until you hear them greet you so you’ll know how to react. These states cause anxiety, and that condition is hard on any body.

If you live like you walk on egg shells, maybe it’s time to examine your partnership. Most relationships start off in a good state, as if being there is the best place in the world. People can’t wait to see the other because they feel so good being around each other. It’s the best time in a relationship; everything is right with the world and the couple is happy.

So what happened to the happy couple? Now they hunker down in their respective positions, waiting to witness and react to the oncoming daily drama. This is a situation many couples find themselves immersed in. No one feels good when locked in this routine. When the situation gets bad enough, some couples seek professional help.

As a counselor I work with many couples in this predicament. They tell me their stories about how terrible the other person has been. Both feel empty and wronged by their partner. Sometimes there’s bitterness, sometimes resentment, in each case there’s loss; loss of what was, that perfect relationship where you both felt terrific.

Couples feel terrible in this state. As a therapist I am grateful for anything that would bring a couple in for counseling. I know that what ever feels like a break, is really an opportunity in disguise. A rupture in a relationship often leaves people feeling vulnerable and at risk. I see it as fertile ground for growing in new ways with each other. For me, it’s all about what comes after, helping the couple understand what needs healing and repairing. That’s when couples learn new bonding skills; how to listen, and how to ask for what each person needs from the other. Couples learn how to feel connected again. It’s a way back, a way back to what was good in the first place, a way to remember without all the heartache, another chance to get it right.

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Living Isolated In Your Relationship

Sometimes couples come in for counseling because they feel they have grown apart and they just aren’t sharing with each other like they used to. They tell me of how unhappy they feel and how they don’t know if their partnership can be saved. Then they look to me to help them fix the relationship.

Often in the counseling process a couple may become aware of how long they have been living separate lives. They’ve been co-existing together. Sometimes they do this really well, and some couples are really proud that they never fight. Even so, they come in because something is missing between them.

I listen to their stories and history and I begin to wonder when they started to leave each other. When I say leave each other I am not talking about geography. What I am curious about is when did each person stop asking the other for what they wanted or needed to stay connected and happy in the relationship? When did this couple begin the slide into separate lives?

The separation information is important because what ever was happening marks the beginning of when each person began to rely on themselves instead of their partner? Both people start accepting their right to get their own happiness outside the relationship. For one person it could show up as spending more time at work. For another it could mean travel without the mate. Maybe it’s a connection to different groups or classes. What ever takes you away from the other is where we start. I am less interested in what the person was doing; I am more interested in what the person was feeling because people look outside the relationship when someone feels they are not what they need.

It usually boils down to something simple, as simple as a connection with the other. I often hear couples say, “We just don’t communicate anymore.”

Sometimes people have hurt feelings over unresolved pain from the past. If you are in pain in your relationship and you have more or less accepted that you have to live with it without healing, sooner or later you may seek some kind of relief outside the relationship and that could drive you away from your partner.

I like to help couples look at what happened between them, before their lives began to separate. We examine what each felt, and learn why they reacted the way they did. This is usually helpful and allows the couple to begin understanding each other in a new way.

When we discover what has not been resolved or attended too we can revisit old wounds and begin to heal. Once the healing has occurred couples find that turning toward their partner for relief feels better than turning away, and that’s usually what partners are after, a chance for a deeper connection.

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Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking. We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say. This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject. Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue. We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them. We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks. Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?” Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought. This is usually eye opening for the couple. When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t. We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment. We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask. And guess what happens if we do? When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us. When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too. But starting with not assuming is the first step. It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say). But I realize that I am assuming I know. I don’t want to do that. I want to listen to what you think. I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

Why Love Isn’t Enough

When people get together they feel love; forever,
unwavering, majestic love. It’s the kind
many of us dream about from our youth; the flowery, perfection we imagined love
to be when we were kids.

We all have some idea of what love should look and feel like. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be able to couple. But many of us have a deeply held belief that this is all we need to sustain a relationship. I call that an unconscious belief, developed from a child’s vision of what love is.

Nothing wrong with believing in love and it would be perfect if our partners had the same vision as ours. Then we could romp together in our fantasy of what life is supposed to be like. But that’s not usually the case. We select people who come from different ideas and backgrounds. And it’s safe to say our partners have their ideas about what love is supposed to look and feel like too.

So where does that leave most couples? Wishing their partners could join them in their vision and automatically understand and deliver what they need. In many relationships people sit in the belief that if their partners truly loved them, they would be able to give them what they needed to feel great. Because there is love in the relationship that should be enough for the relationship to be the best ever… only it isn’t.

I work with a lot of couples who love each other. But it may have been a long time since they’ve felt the closeness each other they remember. They know it existed once, but it feels like a long time ago and they don’t know how to get it back. While no two couples are the same, the issues they struggle with are often similar.

What’s missing from most relationships is the understanding; real understanding of what sits in the way and blocks the love, and an understanding of what is missing in each person’s life from the other. Once each person becomes aware of what stands in the way of his or her tenderness toward the other, then the couple can discover what each person wants from the other. When this is realized each person can learn how to ask the partner for what they would like, instead of hoping the partner would just deliver.

This builds true understanding and that builds compassion and compassion may just be the adult version of the child’s idea of love.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

When Couples Stop Communicating

Some people stay in their relationships even when they feel distant from their partner. I’ve seen couples spend decades with a person they don’t really know, or think about. They just find a way to exist inside the relationship. It’s like they
live alone, even though they are a couple.

People who find themselves in this type of situation might wonder if their life is happy enough. They might quietly ask themselves if they could have a better life by making some changes. Maybe they resign themselves and just accept their circumstances.

I’ve worked with couples who have been together for decades. They tell me they don’t want to end their marriage. They tell me they love the other person. What I often see are two people who believe they know each other so well they don’t even see the other person anymore. They’ve become people who can answer the other’s sentences. They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it. The curiosity and wonder about their mate has vanished.

They come to counseling to get “better”. They want what they used to have; closeness, laughter, possibilities. They want me to help them find it again, as if it’s just hidden somewhere and I can use my therapeutic x-ray vision to spot it. I wish it was this easy. I wish I could just help couples feel good about being in their relationship again.

But I know it’s not that simple. I do have good vision, and I can probably help couples see what happened to their relationship and why they feel the way they do. This is often helpful, but it’s just the beginning. The real work comes
when each person wants to have a better relationship and isn’t expecting the other to make it better for them.

If one or both people in the relationship are waiting for the other to change, that relationship is going to stay the same. It isn’t up to one person to make it different for the other. A relationship improves when both people look at themselves.
When each person starts to see how they talk, and react to the other person, then there’s a good chance for change.

In counseling each person begins to understand what he or she is about. They learn what they have wanted and needed from the other person and they acquire the skills to ask for it. If a couple wants to save a relationship it’s likely both want to see their partner happy. If this is your situation why not try counseling, dig in and fight for what you really want; love, closeness, understanding, kindness, support.

When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument. They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other. These patterns cement over time. When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard. Sometimes it’s really harsh. And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this. “You blank, blank, blank. You make me so blank mad. I hate you. I wish you were dead. I wish we never met.” Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time. Maybe this is your pattern. What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over.

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate. You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior. Most people I meet are embarrassed about it. Why embarrassment? Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong.

No one wins when someone yells. Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently. They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope. It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other. They came to therapy a few times. But I never got the sense that they were really in it.

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things. If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home. It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can. Each couple knows what they can handle. I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships. I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer. The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

Send me your comments at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Are You Angry at Your Mate?

A lot of couples I work with are angry at their partner. Sometimes this anger has been building for a long time. When the couple finally gets into therapy they are so ready to explode and sometimes they just unleash on each other.

When this happens while I watch the fight I already know a couple of things. The first is that both are in a lot of pain. The second is that neither is getting their needs met and the louder and longer the argument, the greater the chance each person is feeling isolated in the relationship. When couples spend their time in a back and forth disagreeing state, that tells me they are spending less time in a state of togetherness.

The irony is that couples who live with this difficulty are desperate for closeness with each other, yet the arguing between them prevents exactly what they both want.

What To Do When It Feels Like Things Are Broken

Sometimes when people call to find out about couples counseling I can hear panic in their voice. I can sense a feeling of worry and fear. Something is broken and the person on the phone doesn’t know how to fix it and that’s why they are calling.

This is a terrible place to find yourself, not knowing if you can make it in your relationship, wondering if it’s broken, and daring to hope it can ever be better. All this is pressing on the individual who is making the call. It’s a helpless kind of feeling. As if all the things the person knew doesn’t amount to anything and they have to do something absolutely radically different to survive the current difficulty.

It’s a scary call to even consider. It’s an even harder call to make. And yet hundreds of people make these calls to therapists and counselors every day. They call because they are looking for help. Often they call because they fear everything they know will go away and they have one last effort to make before that happens.

What ever the reason, it’s always a good sign. People turn to others when what they know doesn’t work anymore. It’s O.K. to do this when our car breaks down, or if we need a medical check up and to get our taxes done. But when it comes to our relationships we are not taught to turn to outsiders to help get the relationships back on track. We are taught to take care of it ourselves. Maybe we are from the thinking that it’s not that bad, it could always be worse or, it will get better, eventually.

Most people feel their relationship is their business, not the business of an outsider, even a therapist. I get this. I understand this. It’s so hard to uncover all the parts that have been hidden from us, from our partner and lay them out in front of a stranger. I know. I also know it works. The process works. People get a chance, maybe for the first time in their lives to tell their entire story without someone telling them their vision is off or wrong.

That’s the beauty of counseling. It comes without judgment. Therapists are trained to help you say what will be helpful to you, understand what it is you feel and help you ask for what you need to be happy.

It’s so scary to move into this when you have relied on yourself or your partner for everything else. It’s so hard to even think that someone who doesn’t know you can actually help you make your life and relationship better.

And that’s exactly our training. That’s what therapists and counselors do. We help people feel better. It’s what I do and I love it.

When Couples Can’t Say What They Want To Say To Each Other

All the couples I work with have something in common. They want a better relationship with their partner. It’s universal. We as humans want to be loved. We want to feel safe, cared for, supported and nurtured. We want the best out of life and we want it from our mate.

This is true with all relationships. Who wants a relationship filled with hurt feelings, criticism, lack of support and silence? None of the couple I work with. In fact that’s usually what they talk about when I meet them. They tell me what’s in their relationship now; fighting, sadness, aloneness, and they tell me they want that gone so they can feel the love again.

Most people think counseling is a way to remove the barriers that have crept in overtime and kept the couple from feeling connected. The counselor is supposed to remove the barriers and then the couple is happy again.

One time a client walked into the room and stated, “So this is where the magic happens.” I laughed with him and responded, “Yes it is. In fact my magic wand is right over there.” We laughed again, but the truth behind that statement echoes what most people believe; therapy will fix the problem.

What I like to help people understand is that counseling helps couples understand themselves, their relationship and each other. I’m their guide to help them in the process. I know the real success lies in couples who can say everything to their partner without fear of hurting feelings or driving them away. I know that happy couples know how to listen to their partners without taking everything personally or feeling they have to argue to the death to win an argument.

There are very few rules for a good relationship. But these guidelines are important. They sound a lot like the good book, or the Ten Commandments or any other philosophy that treats others with compassion. They are simple because if you and your mate are conscious, you will not intentionally harm the other. If you accidently hurt the other, your mate can tell you about the hurt and you can make amends immediately. You recognize that holding on to hurt feelings harms you and your mate, it keeps you disconnected. You work hard to resolve difficulties because you know that if you don’t they will build and build and you will have walls between you that leads to all the stuff you don’t want.

The recipe for a good relationship is simple. The roadmap to getting there may not be. Each person brings to a relationship his and her experiences from a lifetime of living without the partner. Included in this history is an unconscious collection of rights and wrongs. This collection is a template that people fit their lives on to. The rights and wrongs keep us safe in our world. When people find their mate there is an unconscious expectation that the mate will automatically understand the partner’s right-and-wrong template. A person might think, if he or she really loved me, they would automatically know what I needed.

Unfortunately each person brings his and her own template, and they differ. Most people don’t talk about what they need in the relationship to keep them feeling safe and loved because most people don’t even think about it. It’s unconscious. You only are aware of it when it’s not working. Something happens and you feel misunderstood. Your perfect person doesn’t know that one important thing about you. They must be heartless, or even, the wrong person. The perfect person would know, automatically, because isn’t that what love is?

These are the issues you get to explore in counseling. You become conscious of when you expect something from your partner without asking for it. You gain the confidence in yourself to be able to ask for what you need. You stop blaming your mate for not giving you what you needed when you haven’t let them know what it is. It’s simple and it can be challenging. Even so, it’s worth it.

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Research shows it’s not the fight that hurts the relationship…It’s how you fight that determines lasting effects

According to The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010, in an article that ponders the question, “Is marriage good for your health?” surprising studies show that people who fight are not in danger. The research shows it’s not the fight that determines whether the marriage is good for you and your partner. It doesn’t matter how difficult the argument or how angry the fight, what matters is whether the people fighting stay connected. That’s right, you have to tell you partner right in the middle of a fight that you still love them. You have to find a way to grab their hand or call him or her a pet name, and you have to do this right in the middle of the argument or fight.

If you can do this you will have a happy heart and not suffer from stress. When we argue without connection to our partner we put stress on our hearts and other parts of our body. We get all keyed up and mad, sometimes we even get hateful. The key, according to research, is to find a way to make a connection with the person we are fighting with, during the argument.

Usually couples will have it out with each other and then they’ll have to wait until all the energy inside them dies down so they can talk to each other again, talk about what happened and start some sort of repair process to reconnect. Research shows us that if you can find a way to get out of the anger for just a second and make an overture to your partner, a small gesture or a couple of loving words are all that’s needed, you will keep yourself from getting into that mad zone that takes so long to come back from.

Going there, the mad place, and staying there, is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body. Your body is now dealing with enormous amounts of energy. It’s all stored up inside each of you and it has to go somewhere. Maybe some of it get’s released through loud words said to each other, but chances are if you are yelling at the other person you are pretty amped up and those feelings are going to take some time to dissipate. It’s this period that has the most negative impact on your body; elevated stress hormones, elevated risk of diabetes, elevated risk of heart disease, immune system weakens, increased risk of depression, nasty stuff to keep inside yourself.

Why not think of this now, before the next blow up. Talk with your partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and discuss the damage you each are doing to yourselves when you get in prolonged arguments. Gain an understanding of the toxicity that fighting without connecting can produce.

Maybe you can come up with your special way of connecting before the argument begins. Why not create a safe word or a funny phrase, a physical gesture or make a silly face. Anything will work, as long as it brings the two of you close. The idea isn’t to end the argument or fight. The technique is designed to give the two of you a place away from the war zone. It doesn’t even have to last a long time. It just has to last a moment. If you can do this the research says you will be served by your relationship, instead of it feeling like a weight.

Send your comments to Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com