We Have Communication Problems. How Do We Fix Them?

When couples begin counseling one of the most common difficulties I hear couples talk about has to do with communication. I often hear one or both say this, “We just don’t know how to communicate. That’s why we are here.”

Chances are people in this situation feel a lack of intimacy. If you feel empty in your relationship and when you try and get your needs met you run into resistance from your mate, you could surmise that you and your partner are having communication problems. Many couples then think if they could just learn how to “communicate” the relationship would be improved.

When I hear this I wonder if the word “communicate” is really code for he or she doesn’t listen to me, or he or she doesn’t understand me or even he or she doesn’t love me because if they did, they would do what I needed and I wouldn’t feel this way.

When people summarize their marriage or relationship strife as communication problems I know as a couples counselor that I am just scratching the surface of what is not working between the two. What I know is that it’s not just a matter of learning different words to fix the communication problem, it’s a matter of understanding what one is feeling and being able to convey it accurately so the partner can understand. I know that fixing a communication problem means getting two people on to the same page by helping the couple learn to be available for each other and that usually means helping people develop their listening skills as well.

When we grow up we learn how to do a lot of things. We learn how to listen to our parents or tune them out. We might learn how to get attention by being a helper in the house or becoming a good student to receive praise. Maybe we acted out to get noticed. What ever pattern we learned as a kid we probably still use as an adult. And why wouldn’t we. We would have no reason to change if we are not in relationship. But being with another person we are in such close contact the ways of getting ourselves noticed just might not work anymore. This is no one’s fault. Every one receives training when young and does the best they can when they couple.

But while being dutiful or acting out might have been successful strategies before we were a couple, they just don’t seem to work when we get close to another person in an adult relationship or marriage. This business of not communicating comes in when two people want to be together but they get so frustrated trying to get their needs met and they just can’t seem to understand why it’s so challenging to make themselves heard by the other person.

There is a distinct difference between being an independent person in the relationship and being part of a couple. That doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, it just means you become aware of your partner and his or her needs as well as your own and you are conscious of this at the same time. That may sound like a lot of juggling, but trust me, that’s when a relationship gets really good. When you notice what you need, are aware of what your partner needs and everyone get’s what they need you are living in a place of peace and happiness. No more communication problems, both of you just taking care of the other, seamlessly. Now that’s true communication.

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Tit For Tat; How Some Couples Cope…Guidance From A Marriage And Family Therapist

Many of us grew up needing to have the last word when we got into an argument. It just doesn’t feel right if we can’t say what we have to say after the other person has said their piece. We just want to finish the exchange with our own ending note.

It’s not uncommon to see this interaction when two people are discussing issues important to both of them. It’s also not uncommon to see this type of behavior between two people who are in a relationship. He says one thing, she says another, he has to top her, she has to top him and so on. We’ve all seen it; we may even have engaged in it.

On some level it can be satisfying, putting the other person in their place, having the last word and really saying or acting out something dramatic that makes our point. Yes, sometimes we even feel better when we can have the last word and end with a flourish, like slamming a door, or stomping up stairs, or using a cuss word or flipping someone off. There’s something very satisfying about really feeling like we have been heard. Unfortunately, when two people are locked in this sort of contest no one is listening to the other; both are just waiting for their turn.

These dramatic moments can also cause harm to two people who are in a relationship. Sometimes there is real damage done during these matches, hurtful things are said, painful slights are seared into us.

Some of this sparing may remind us of squabbling with a sibling or a childhood friend. If we learned it at a young age we might even feel confidence when we spar with another person. We may grow to rely on these skills as we get older and might even use them with our mate in our adult relationship.

Sometimes they are funny and can be laughed at in a calmer state. But more often than not they are hurtful and leave wounds. We carry around these scars and feel terrible and angry. Maybe we get zinged, maybe we zing our beloved. If we engage, it’s likely we leave something behind, some residue of hurt feelings that may get buried over the next time there is a spat. Maybe we even compile all the zingers and hurl them back at each other reusing them again and again.

So what do we do about these actions? Why not talk about them with our partner. Why not have a discussion about how it feels to hurl these slights and how it feels to receive them. Why not find out if there are some bruises left over from past arguments. If the bruises are still tender chances are it’s possible to have some real connection with your mate. Maybe you both agree on what you won’t say again. Maybe if you are the offender you can apologize. This can go a long way to healing pain. What you don’t want is for couples to wall up against the other because of all the slights. This can lead to resentment which can leave each person living behind his or her own wall of bricks, afraid to connect for fear of being hurt.

No couple wants to live with resentment toward their partner. Living behind walls of resentment cuts down on closeness. And that’s really what couples want, to be close, to feel safe and loved, free from those hurtful zingers.

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But I’m Right! Why Can’t My Partner See That?

I really empathize with couples that begin a session with one person telling me something like this, “Why doesn’t my partner realize I am right?” Immediately I know that the pair sitting in front of me is in despair. I know that to live in a relationship where one person professes to have the right in the relationship while seeing the other as wrong puts both at a disadvantage. I know that both people may be feeling exhausted and sad.

Unfortunately this pattern often repeats itself; arguments unfold where one person insists he/she is right while the other feels inadequate or blamed. This person may feel right too, but it’s likely he/she has given up trying to have his/her voice heard and might be depressed. And it’s not uncommon for two people to point the finger at one another and say he, or she is to blame. In this scenario both people have to be right and everyone loses.

It may be the way we were raised, where blame had to be affixed to a problem. If this is what we experienced as a young person we might bring this aspect of how to relate to others into our own adult relationship. When there is a problem, look for the culprit. Identify the culprit, get the culprit to accept responsibility and force them to agree to learn from the mistake and not make it again.

Some people parent or train people this way. It’s designed to help people become accountable for their actions. This method has a place, but I believe it blows up the idea of mutual respect in a relationship if you use it with your mate. It allows one person to be in the position of knowing, while the other person is placed in the position of being taught. These positions are not equal and they make one or both people feel pretty unsatisfied.

The one who needs to be right can’t get relief because the other won’t listen. The one who is being told they are wrong resists because no one wants to feel blamed or bad. This kind of pattern usually leaves couples in a stalemate. Both want something from the other person. Both are not sure how to get it. It’s possible that the one who has to be right just wants to be listened too. It’s also possible that the one who is being blamed just wants to feel valued, and not persecuted.

Couples with this pattern may grow exhausted with each other. It takes a lot of energy defending your position all the time. It also takes a lot of energy tuning out your mate. Why not discover a way to use that energy in a more productive way; getting your needs met so you feel better?

When I work with couples with this type of interaction, I like to begin the process of helping each person understand his or her behaviors. The beginning part of dismantling this kind of system is understanding how we interact with our mate. Partners begin to get an idea of how they communicate with each other. This then leads to awareness of how the communication impacts the partner.

Helping couples understand the weight of their words is some of the early work. Also important is figuring out what each person needs. It’s possible that the person who has to be right just wants to feel valued and important. The more she stresses that she is right the harder she tries to feel valued and important.

The one who is being blamed could also benefit from becoming aware of how he responds. Maybe he tunes out his partner when he hears her insist she is right. Maybe he rolls his eyes or just shakes his head. What ever he is doing is important to look at during a counseling session. Understanding that his reaction has an impact on her is also important. And what are his needs that aren’t being met? Maybe he wants to feel valued too. Maybe he wants to have his voice heard as well.

In my experience that’s usually what two people in a relationship want: to be heard, to feel listened to, and acceptance. When these basic needs are fulfilled, couples flourish. They can even begin to experience a deeper connection with each other, one that may include making the other person happy, and when couples reach that level both people feel they are in a relationship worth having.

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How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication. Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other. They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief. This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen? It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself. That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad. Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners. I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with:

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

DO’S

Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack. It’s as if the speaker is already mad. The Do’s have no blame or attack. They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner. Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts. See how it feels. Try it on each other. Now try the Do’s. Use the same topic. Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases. You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication. That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses. That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner. We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

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When One Partner Seems Too Needy And the Other Feels Overwhelmed

Couples, no matter how long they have been together, can find themselves in situations that feel oppressive. Both people are looking for relief from the other person but instead of finding relief they can become frustrated. The longer they stay locked in this system of frustration, the more they feel exhausted and drained.

Some couples stay in challenging situations with the hope that they will get better on their own. Sometimes they do. Many times they don’t and people go from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to becoming angry and resentful.

Once they have reached this stage they might even begin to think that the relationship is doomed, hopelessly broken and they have to break up. The relationship is broken, but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

As a couples counselor I see possibilities. The couple may feel the system of relating can’t be changed, but I know that with awareness it could actually be softened and improved. Unfortunately what some couples can’t seem to find though, is the idea that they could feel better. They remember the good times when they fell in love and they just can’t fathom how they could ever get back to that place again.

When couples do come in for counseling, despite how negative they might seem about whether they could ever feel better, I know just coming in for therapy is a step toward preserving and improving the relationship.

During the first session I help the couple find their way back to something meaningful between them again. I begin by helping couples understand their current situation. When each person can recognize how their behavior impacts the other, they get awareness of why they feel so hopeless, and maybe why their partner gets upset with them.

Once they have that awareness it’s easier to make changes in behavior, because each person gets clued in on how new or different behaviors will impact their partner, and it’s usually for the better. Each person begins to understand that when their partner feels good, they feel good. And that’s what everyone wants; to feel better.

Understanding the dynamics of the situation is a lot like stepping outside the system and taking a look at it. Once observed, couples can become more energized just thinking about the possibility of the system changing with just a few alterations. Once a couple can witness their system of failure, making any changes might even feel exhilarating.

The good news is that couples counseling works. If two people are willing to take a step toward being happier together, counseling will work. If people are still blaming their partner for making them feel miserable, counseling will not. Loving your mate starts with you, not your partner.

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But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other. I believe them. They say it with such great emotion. I know they mean it. I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work. They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other. Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen? When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out? It feels so great. It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect. Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work. I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff. Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person. The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset. It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally. I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other. I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens. This is helpful for a couple of reasons. When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate. This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way. It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard. As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner. Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other. If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad. This gets in the way of communication. I help couples say what needs to be said. I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better. And it doesn’t take that long. Most couples feel better after one or two sessions. It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need. Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it. These are all the communication skills you need. It’s a retooling of how you used to do things. That’s all it is. And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

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When Partners Live With Pain

Most people have an amazingly high tolerance for discomfort. Some of us can even live many years feeling terrible, terrible about our mate and our relationships. As a couples counselor I am sometimes surprised though, at how much pain a couple will endure before seeking help.

When I see a couple that feels terrible about their marriage or partnership I am always interested in finding out when the problems began. Sometimes I hear answers like “six years”, six years, imaging feeling terrible about your relationship for six years. If you are in a happy relationship you might not even be able to imagine it. But if you have been suffering for a number of years, you are locked in a system of discomfort and it’s possible you may have lost your sense of time. You may have forgotten about earlier years when the relationship felt better, and you may have resigned yourself to living your current life because that’s “ just the way it is”.

Most people accept “just the way it is” because they don’t know it could be different. They may wish it was different, but they don’t know what to do to change the circumstances to make life different. It’s likely both people in the relationship have tried everything they know to make things better, but the efforts fail. When couples get desperate enough, that’s usually the time they come in for counseling.

And when I see a couple at this point the couple is often wondering if I can save or fix the relationship. I tell them, “I don’t fix relationships, I help you figure out what you want and then I help you get that. If that is a good relationship than great, I can help you.”

I tell them there is no fix; there is just awareness, intention and action. Learn about yourself. Learn about your partner. Ask for what would make you happy. Find out how to make your partner happy. It may sound simple, but for couples who are bruised from living years of unhappiness all these ideas can appear as just words, hollow.

I think the most important thing I can impart to a distressed couple is that there might be another way to relate to one another that could feel better. And that may be all a couple that’s been in pain for a while can hear. They might have stopped believing they can even be happy with each other, and they’ve probably accepted their lot in life, one that includes difficulties.

It’s too much for a person in pain to go from discomfort to happy in an instant. But what they might be able to hold on to is the thought that maybe; just maybe they could feel better. When people start to feel better they become less stressed, less stressed about their problems and the relationship. Less stress gives the mind a chance to relax and become more welcoming to new thoughts about what may be possible.

Possibilities, ideas, new ways of communicating, hope. This is what can happen when the mind is relaxed, new ways of thinking and new ways of thinking can lead to a new life. And isn’t that what distressed couples are after? Something better, something loving, something hopeful, a new life.

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Rules for Our Relationships

Making rules to govern a relationship sounds like something kids would do, but what if a set of rules helps couples treat each other. Would you follow a few guidelines then? We all learn to follow rules when we are little. Rules show us right from wrong. Rules keep us safe, coloring within the lines, or in other words, they keep us grounded.

As a couples specialist I wouldn’t say anyone really needs rules, but sometimes partners treat each other so poorly rules might actually help.

I work with many different kinds of couples. Some partners speak kindly to each other, but many do not. By the time couples enter counseling they have probably spent a lot of time saying mean things to their partners. In some cases those mean things can even include swear words and degrading remarks. Most couples that swear at each other know they should not be hollering at their partners and yet they do it anyway, most likely when an argument occurs. It might even become a well worn pattern developed over time.

So how do couples learn to be nicer to each other? Why not make a rule? NO SWEARING AT EACH OTHER. Why not create an environment with a cuss free zone?

It’s likely you don’t cuss at work or call your boss names. It’s probably safe to say you wouldn’t holler and yell these phrases at your parents or your children, so why not outlaw swearing because it’s something you shouldn’t do to your mate either?

You say you love your partner. Show them by refraining from calling them names. This conveys respect, and often in relationships that’s what’s missing. It may be hard to break a habit if this has been ongoing for a while, but you and your partner can do this. Just make a rule. You made promises to each other when you first got together. Make this another promise. “I promise to not swear at you any more.” Say this to each other, and mean it. Practice it. Maybe you put a jar in the kitchen and every time you slip you put in a quarter, or a dollar. Make a game of it. Just do something different to change how you talk to each other.

Both of you probably want to feel better in your relationship. Speaking nicer to your mate is a great way to start. If you are interested in another step, how about doing one nice thing for your partner every week? This is a change from not doing anything nice for your partner to doing something nice for them. Most of the couples I work with tell me they are waiting for their mate to do something for them. Sometimes this wait goes on for a long time. Doing something for the partner you are mad at is very different then waiting for them to be nice to you.

Imagine what it would be like in your home if the one you are at odds with actually does something special just for you? Now think how he or she would feel if you did something special for him or her. You are trying on new behaviors. When you do something different you get something different in exchange. Maybe it will be a thank you. Maybe it will be astonishment. Maybe you will get a laugh. It may be an improvement.

And isn’t this what you are after, something new, something different, something hopeful?

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Relationships 101

As a couples specialist I know that every couple I counsel has a unique set of issues. Even so, I can say with confidence that every couple has at least one thing in common: they want to feel better in the relationship. So if two people love each other, why do they have such difficulty?

To put it simply, we don’t learn how to be in relationships when we couple, we just hope that things will work out.Couples want to be happy. They want to feel supported, understood, admired and loved. So why do the couples I counsel all say they don’t feel that? The reason has nothing to do with intent. I believe people who get together in relationships want to build something special together.

The problem is that people haven’t learned what qualities make a good relationship. Without knowing how to listen to each other, ask for what you need, or resolve disagreements without a fight, most couples knock into each other on a regular basis and get pretty bruised in the process. They end up angry and resentful, and/or disappointed and sad. It’s a terrible state to live in with someone you love.

So why does this happen? We learn a lot in our life. We learn how to be a student in school. We learn as a child how to relate to our parents. We learn how to follow rules. We learn how to exist in our world. We understand that we are entitled to a good life. We are also taught that when we meet the right person we will be happy, and everyone wants to be happy.

Here’s the problem, and it usually starts when we are young. Some of us see dysfunction in the families we grew up in and we make a vow to ourselves that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We have good intentions to live better, more peacefully. But all the intentions in the world can not teach us how to be in a relationship. These are not skills you can learn in one class. No one learns new behaviors in a day. It takes time to understand how to be a good partner and it takes practice to become one.

A good place to start is by answering the following questions. How do you speak to your partner? Are you kind and loving? Are you curt and angry? Do you resent your mate and show it by rolling your eyes and shrugging your shoulders? This is the first thing to notice. This is step one in Relationship 101. Be nice to your partner, period. You may be mad about something and want something resolved with him or her. This is a different matter. The first step to being in a good relationship is treating your partner with love, and that means speaking with kindness, all the time.

Step two involves learning how to resolve difficulties before they become fights. Maybe your parents modeled good resolution skills and you do this automatically. When issues arise you speak about them with your mate. You tell your side, you listen to your partner, you discuss the matter and you come to an understanding. Unless you learned how to do this as a child growing up, you probably exhibit very different behaviors when you get upset. Maybe you yell. Maybe you get quiet and sulk. Maybe you leave the room. If you do any of these, you could benefit from learning how to resolve issues more effectively.

Step three is about asking for what you need. Something happens to us when we fall in love. There’s this little, secret place where we feel really vulnerable and we believe our partner knows us so well that they will take care of all our needs, wants and desires that are kept hidden there. Of course they will, we tell ourselves; they know us intimately, they love us, they would never do anything to hurt us. This is a wonderful belief. Many people feel this way without being aware of it. Most people don’t talk about this with their partner. But that doesn’t prevent them from believing it and expecting their mate to solve all their problems and make life wonderful.

But this is a fantasy. People, even people who love us, don’t automatically know what we need deep down inside our soul. No one will ever know this unless you tell them. This may be one of the most difficult parts of learning how to be happy in a relationship. You must learn what you need, want and desire, and you must be able to ask your partner for it. No one can read your mind, even someone who loves you.

In couples counseling I help people understand the state of their relationship. Then we begin to implement new behaviors, paving the way for something better. This is one way to improve a relationship, and isn’t that what you want, too?

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Treating Overweight Couples

Overweight couples may suffer in their relationships. If both people in a couple are overweight there may be some bonding and support from each other, and this can be nuturing. If you stay isolated from the rest of the world this would probably be O.K. But we all live in some sort of community and overweight people are often subjected to taunts, discrimination and rejection. These issues can lead to feelings of low self esteem, shame and depression.

Overweight couples may also suffer from feelings of failure. It’s likely both people have tried to lose weight in the past. Maybe they have and recall a time when they felt good about themselves. Now that picture, or time in the past, can become the enemy as they hold it up to themselves as a measure for their happiness. “If I could only be that size again, my life would be O.K.” When we struggle to attain a desired weight, or look, we suffer with feelings of sadness and disappointment if we don’t succeed. We might even get annoyed or angry at ourselves for not being able to complete a goal.

Often, eating is a way to soothe hurt feelings. Food tastes good. Eating feels good. Sometimes people eat when they are sad. People also might find themselves eating out of boredom. Maybe you are angry. This is another feeling that could lead to overeating.

Once you get to a point where you would like to make some changes in your life, why not consider investigating your situation from a different angle. An important step to understanding your eating habits might begin with a therapist. In a therapy session it’s possible to uncover deep feelings we hold about ourselves. Often it’s these feelings tied to messages we tell ourselves that guide us to food and overeating. Understanding how we think about ourselves is a great place to start as you travel on your road of health.

People who suffer with food issues may want to live differently. Looking inside ones’ thoughts and feelings for answers is one way to shift a person’s thinking. As individuals we all share the capacity for introspection. Why not give yourself a chance for a new you? You are worth it.

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