Tag Archives: counseling

Do I Need A Therapist? …Answers from a Marriage and Family Therapist

Wow, what a good question.  Do I need a therapist?  How many of us have ever wondered if we do?  How many times have we just thought that life felt too overwhelming for us and maybe, just maybe, someone could help us figure it out?  Probably a lot of us have thought this at some time or another, and why not?  Living can be complicated.

And that’s just one of the reasons people call on a therapist.  Here are some more thoughts that could lead someone to wonder if they need one.  It’s not uncommon for people to say to me, “I’m not sure what to do next, I feel stuck.” “I am sad about my life and don’t know what to do.” “I am always mad at my boyfriend and feel unhappy.”  These may sound like every day occurrences, and they are. But what is an anthill for one person could become a mountain for another.  Maybe there’s a problem at work, or with one or both of your parents.  Any of these issues could make a person wonder about seeing a therapist and getting some counseling.

Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help people sort out their difficulties.  That’s our skill set and that’s what we do.  We help people look at their struggles.  We help people understand their thoughts about those struggles.  Then we help people understand their feelings about the struggles.  For most people this is a new opportunity to explore one’s self.

Some people hold on to the notion that they should be able to figure themselves out.  They can’t imagine allowing a stranger into their world.  But sometimes the discomfort of not knowing how to fix a problem can lead someone straight into therapy.  And here is the good news; through therapy people get better!  Yup, people learn how to understand themselves, and that allows for all kind of new experiences in life.  When we understand what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want, we can then learn how to ask for what we like, or say no when we’re confronted with something we don’t like.  For most people this is the key to feeling good in life; knowing what will make you happy.

Through therapy people also learn they can’t always control their surroundings or how people should react.  Expecting people to act a certain way can lead to stress and aggravation.  Becoming disappointed because things don’t work out the way you think they should doesn’t have to be a way of life. Through counseling people learn that they may not be able to control their surroundings or other people but they can control how they act.  That can lead to increased self worth and that’s freedom.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Tit For Tat; How Some Couples Cope…Guidance From A Marriage And Family Therapist

Many of us grew up needing to have the last word when we got into an argument.  It just doesn’t feel right if we can’t say what we have to say after the other person has said their piece.  We just want to finish the exchange with our own ending note.

It’s not uncommon to see this interaction when two people are discussing issues important to both of them.  It’s also not uncommon to see this type of behavior between two people who are in a relationship. He says one thing, she says another, he has to top her, she has to top him and so on.  We’ve all seen it; we may even have engaged in it.

On some level it can be satisfying, putting the other person in their place, having the last word and really saying or acting out something dramatic that makes our point.  Yes, sometimes we even feel better when we can have the last word and end with a flourish, like slamming a door, or stomping up stairs, or using a cuss word or flipping someone off.  There’s something very satisfying about really feeling like we have been heard.  Unfortunately, when two people are locked in this sort of contest no one is listening to the other; both are just waiting for their turn.

These dramatic moments can also cause harm to two people who are in a relationship. Sometimes there is real damage done during these matches, hurtful things are said, painful slights are seared into us.

Some of this sparing may remind us of squabbling with a sibling or a childhood friend. If we learned it at a young age we might even feel confidence when we spar with another person.  We may grow to rely on these skills as we get older and might even use them with our mate in our adult relationship.

Sometimes they are funny and can be laughed at in a calmer state.  But more often than not they are hurtful and leave wounds.  We carry around these scars and feel terrible and angry.  Maybe we get zinged, maybe we zing our beloved.  If we engage, it’s likely we leave something behind, some residue of hurt feelings that may get buried over the next time there is a spat.  Maybe we even compile all the zingers and hurl them back at each other reusing them again and again.

So what do we do about these actions?  Why not talk about them with our partner.  Why not have a discussion about how it feels to hurl these slights and how it feels to receive them.  Why not find out if there are some bruises left over from past arguments.  If the bruises are still tender chances are it’s possible to have some real connection with your mate.  Maybe you both agree on what you won’t say again.  Maybe if you are the offender you can apologize.  This can go a long way to healing pain.  What you don’t want is for couples to wall up against the other because of all the slights.  This can lead to resentment which can leave each person living behind his or her own wall of bricks, afraid to connect for fear of being hurt.

No couple wants to live with resentment toward their partner.  Living behind walls of resentment cuts down on closeness. And that’s really what couples want, to be close, to feel safe and loved, free from those hurtful zingers.

Get more info at www.lindanusbaum.com

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

But I’m Right! Why Can’t My Partner See That?

I really empathize with couples that begin a session with one person telling me something like this, “Why doesn’t my partner realize I am right?” Immediately I know that the pair sitting in front of me is in despair. I know that to live in a relationship where one person professes to have the right in the relationship while seeing the other as wrong puts both at a disadvantage. I know that both people may be feeling exhausted and sad.

Unfortunately this pattern often repeats itself; arguments unfold where one person insists he/she is right while the other feels inadequate or blamed. This person may feel right too, but it’s likely he/she has given up trying to have his/her voice heard and might be depressed. And it’s not uncommon for two people to point the finger at one another and say he, or she is to blame. In this scenario both people have to be right and everyone loses.

It may be the way we were raised, where blame had to be affixed to a problem. If this is what we experienced as a young person we might bring this aspect of how to relate to others into our own adult relationship. When there is a problem, look for the culprit. Identify the culprit, get the culprit to accept responsibility and force them to agree to learn from the mistake and not make it again.

Some people parent or train people this way. It’s designed to help people become accountable for their actions. This method has a place, but I believe it blows up the idea of mutual respect in a relationship if you use it with your mate. It allows one person to be in the position of knowing, while the other person is placed in the position of being taught. These positions are not equal and they make one or both people feel pretty unsatisfied.

The one who needs to be right can’t get relief because the other won’t listen. The one who is being told they are wrong resists because no one wants to feel blamed or bad. This kind of pattern usually leaves couples in a stalemate. Both want something from the other person. Both are not sure how to get it. It’s possible that the one who has to be right just wants to be listened too. It’s also possible that the one who is being blamed just wants to feel valued, and not persecuted.

Couples with this pattern may grow exhausted with each other. It takes a lot of energy defending your position all the time. It also takes a lot of energy tuning out your mate. Why not discover a way to use that energy in a more productive way; getting your needs met so you feel better?

When I work with couples with this type of interaction, I like to begin the process of helping each person understand his or her behaviors. The beginning part of dismantling this kind of system is understanding how we interact with our mate. Partners begin to get an idea of how they communicate with each other. This then leads to awareness of how the communication impacts the partner.

Helping couples understand the weight of their words is some of the early work. Also important is figuring out what each person needs. It’s possible that the person who has to be right just wants to feel valued and important. The more she stresses that she is right the harder she tries to feel valued and important.

The one who is being blamed could also benefit from becoming aware of how he responds. Maybe he tunes out his partner when he hears her insist she is right. Maybe he rolls his eyes or just shakes his head. What ever he is doing is important to look at during a counseling session. Understanding that his reaction has an impact on her is also important. And what are his needs that aren’t being met? Maybe he wants to feel valued too. Maybe he wants to have his voice heard as well.

In my experience that’s usually what two people in a relationship want: to be heard, to feel listened to, and acceptance. When these basic needs are fulfilled, couples flourish. They can even begin to experience a deeper connection with each other, one that may include making the other person happy, and when couples reach that level both people feel they are in a relationship worth having.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication.  Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other.  They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief.   This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen?  It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself.  That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad.  Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners.  I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:        

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with: 

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

 

DO’S

 Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack.  It’s as if the speaker is already mad.  The Do’s have no blame or attack.  They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner.  Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts.  See how it feels.  Try it on each other.  Now try the Do’s.  Use the same topic.  Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases.  You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication.  That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses.  That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner.  We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

When One Partner Seems Too Needy And the Other Feels Overwhelmed

Couples, no matter how long they have been together, can find themselves in situations that feel oppressive.  Both people are looking for relief from the other person but instead of finding relief they can become frustrated.  The longer they stay locked in this system of frustration, the more they feel exhausted and drained.

Some couples stay in challenging situations with the hope that they will get better on their own.  Sometimes they do.  Many times they don’t and people go from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to becoming angry and resentful.

Once they have reached this stage they might even begin to think that the relationship is doomed, hopelessly broken and they have to break up. The relationship is broken, but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

As a couples counselor I see possibilities.  The couple may feel the system of relating can’t be changed, but I know that with awareness it could actually be softened and improved.  Unfortunately what some couples can’t seem to find though, is the idea that they could feel better.  They remember the good times when they fell in love and they just can’t fathom how they could ever get back to that place again.

When couples do come in for counseling, despite how negative they might seem about whether they could ever feel better, I know just coming in for therapy is a step toward preserving and improving the relationship.

During the first session I help the couple find their way back to something meaningful between them again. I begin by helping couples understand their current situation.  When each person can recognize how their behavior impacts the other, they get awareness of why they feel so hopeless, and maybe why their partner gets upset with them.

Once they have that awareness it’s easier to make changes in behavior, because each person gets clued in on how new or different behaviors will impact their partner, and it’s usually for the better.  Each person begins to understand that when their partner feels good, they feel good.  And that’s what everyone wants; to feel better.

Understanding the dynamics of the situation is a lot like stepping outside the system and taking a look at it.  Once observed, couples can become more energized just thinking about the possibility of the system changing with just a few alterations.  Once a couple can witness their system of failure, making any changes might even feel exhilarating.

The good news is that couples counseling works.  If two people are willing to take a step toward being happier together, counseling will work.  If people are still blaming their partner for making them feel miserable, counseling will not.  Loving your mate starts with you, not your partner.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other.  I believe them.  They say it with such great emotion.  I know they mean it.  I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work.  They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other.  Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen?  When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out?  It feels so great.  It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect.  Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work.  I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff.  Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person.  The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset.  It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally.  I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other.  I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens.  This is helpful for a couple of reasons.  When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate.  This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way.  It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard.  As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner.  Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other.  If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad.  This gets in the way of communication.  I help couples say what needs to be said.  I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better.  And it doesn’t take that long.  Most couples feel better after one or two sessions.  It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need.  Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it.  These are all the communication skills you need.  It’s a retooling of how you used to do things.  That’s all it is.  And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

When Partners Live With Pain

Most people have an amazingly high tolerance for discomfort.  Some of us can even live many years feeling terrible, terrible about our mate and our relationships.  As a couples counselor I am sometimes surprised though, at how much pain a couple will endure before seeking help.

When I see a couple that feels terrible about their marriage or partnership I am always interested in finding out when the problems began.  Sometimes I hear answers like “six years”, six years, imaging feeling terrible about your relationship for six years.  If you are in a happy relationship you might not even be able to imagine it.  But if you have been suffering for a number of years, you are locked in a system of discomfort and it’s possible you may have lost your sense of time.  You may have forgotten about earlier years when the relationship felt better, and you may have resigned yourself to living your current life because that’s “ just the way it is”.

Most people accept “just the way it is” because they don’t know it could be different.  They may wish it was different, but they don’t know what to do to change the circumstances to make life different.  It’s likely both people in the relationship have tried everything they know to make things better, but the efforts fail. When couples get desperate enough, that’s usually the time they come in for counseling.

And when I see a couple at this point the couple is often wondering if I can save or fix the relationship.  I tell them, “I don’t fix relationships, I help you figure out what you want and then I help you get that.  If that is a good relationship than great, I can help you.”

I tell them there is no fix; there is just awareness, intention and action.  Learn about yourself.  Learn about your partner.  Ask for what would make you happy.  Find out how to make your partner happy.  It may sound simple, but for couples who are bruised from living years of unhappiness all these ideas can appear as just words, hollow.

I think the most important thing I can impart to a distressed couple is that there might be another way to relate to one another that could feel better.  And that may be all a couple that’s been in pain for a while can hear.  They might have stopped believing they can even be happy with each other, and they’ve probably accepted their lot in life, one that includes difficulties.

It’s too much for a person in pain to go from discomfort to happy in an instant. But what they might be able to hold on to is the thought that maybe; just maybe they could feel better.  When people start to feel better they become less stressed, less stressed about their problems and the relationship.  Less stress gives the mind a chance to relax and become more welcoming to new thoughts about what may be possible.

Possibilities, ideas, new ways of communicating, hope.  This is what can happen when the mind is relaxed, new ways of thinking and new ways of thinking can lead to a new life.  And isn’t that what distressed couples are after?  Something better, something loving, something hopeful, a new life.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Rules for Our Relationships

Making rules to govern a relationship sounds like something kids would do, but what if a set of rules helps couples treat each other.  Would you follow a few guidelines then?  We all learn to follow rules when we are little.  Rules show us right from wrong.  Rules keep us safe, coloring within the lines, or in other words, they keep us grounded.

As a couples specialist I wouldn’t say anyone really needs rules, but sometimes partners treat each other so poorly rules might actually help.

I work with many different kinds of couples.  Some partners speak kindly to each other, but many do not.  By the time couples enter counseling they have probably spent a lot of time saying mean things to their partners.  In some cases those mean things can even include swear words and degrading remarks.   Most couples that swear at each other know they should not be hollering at their partners and yet they do it anyway, most likely when an argument occurs.  It might even become a well worn pattern developed over time.

So how do couples learn to be nicer to each other?  Why not make a rule? NO SWEARING AT EACH OTHER.  Why not create an environment with a cuss free zone?

It’s likely you don’t cuss at work or call your boss names.  It’s probably safe to say you wouldn’t holler and yell these phrases at your parents or your children, so why not outlaw swearing because it’s something you shouldn’t do to your mate either?

You say you love your partner.  Show them by refraining from calling them names.  This conveys respect, and often in relationships that’s what’s missing.  It may be hard to break a habit if this has been ongoing for a while, but you and your partner can do this.  Just make a rule.  You made promises to each other when you first got together.  Make this another promise.  “I promise to not swear at you any more.”  Say this to each other, and mean it.  Practice it.  Maybe you put a jar in the kitchen and every time you slip you put in a quarter, or a dollar.  Make a game of it.  Just do something different to change how you talk to each other.

Both of you probably want to feel better in your relationship.  Speaking nicer to your mate is a great way to start.  If you are interested in another step, how about doing one nice thing for your partner every week?  This is a change from not doing anything nice for your partner to doing something nice for them.  Most of the couples I work with tell me they are waiting for their mate to do something for them.  Sometimes this wait goes on for a long time.  Doing something for the partner you are mad at is very different then waiting for them to be nice to you.

Imagine what it would be like in your home if the one you are at odds with actually does something special just for you?  Now think how he or she would feel if you did something special for him or her. You are trying on new behaviors.  When you do something different you get something different in exchange.  Maybe it will be a thank you.  Maybe it will be astonishment.  Maybe you will get a laugh.  It may be an improvement.

And isn’t this what you are after, something new, something different, something hopeful?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

When You Stay Mad at Your Partner

Getting into disagreements with our mate is not only part of being in a relationship; it’s also a part of life.  Staying mad at your partner because you haven’t resolved issues is also pretty common, only this condition takes a toll on everyone.  Do you stay mad at your partner?

If you are holding a grudge against him or her you are not alone.  As a couples counselor I see couples in all stages of the relationship.  Sometimes they come in and they are really mad at the other person.  Sometimes it’s one person who does the yelling or scolding while the other just smolders and steams.

Both are not resolving their issues with the other and both end up suffering as a result.  The one who gets angry and yells releases energy, but having to scream at your mate to make a point doesn’t do much for your body.  You get all filled with rage and this puts stress on too many organs to mention.  If you are the one who holds everything in take the next moment to realize what you are doing to your body.  That’s right; all your rage is held inside, and your organs aren’t very happy either.

Both of you are suffering. Your bodies are in a constant state of battle readiness, waiting for the next round.  We haven’t even talked about what happens to your feelings yet either.  They get worked out too.  When you feel terrible about your relationship you might tell yourself things like, “I have to get out of here,” or  “I would be so much happier if he or she would only do…”  In other words, you might spend a lot of time talking to yourself under your breath about what your partner isn’t doing and how much you resent where you are.  This is a difficult place to live, and some couples I counsel spend their lives right here.

If I meet a couple in this state the first thing I like to do is listen.  I am not interested in any particular argument, not yet anyway.  What I want to do is hear from each person separately.  I want to know from each person how they see what is wrong.  This is an important step for me and the relationship.  I get to hear what each person thinks, feels and needs.  I also get to understand what each person feels is missing. This is not only a benefit for me as their counselor; it can also be a heavy dose of awareness as each partner listens to their mate.

Often this is a new experience for the couple and it can be an eye opening one.  In their usual way of relating, one person says his or her piece and the other will counter with what he or she needs.  No one is doing any listening.  Both are just trying to be heard by the other and no one is hearing anybody.

That’s why counseling works.  Each person gets to have their say.  Partners begin to understand their mates.  People develop ways of allowing each other to have differences.  Both people begin to get what they want in the relationship; love, support, and respect.  It may feel like there’s a big gap from where you are now and where you would like to be.  Sometimes it takes just a few steps to feel better.  And that’s what people who live angry at their mate are after isn’t it, to feel better?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Always Mad at Your Mate

One tip off that you are perpetually mad at your partner is how you feel when you are about to see them.  Does the thought of being with him or her excite you?  If so, this is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship.  But if the idea of spending time with your mate drives you up a wall, or even makes you tense up, you may want to take a closer look at your partnership.

If you get stressed out while driving home, or if you get stressed out when your loved one is about to return home, you may find yourself living in various stages of distress. This distress can cause chronic stress and anguish.  Maybe you tense up, trying to gage what kind of mood your mate is in.  Maybe you can’t relax until you hear them greet you so you’ll know how to react.  These states cause anxiety, and that condition is hard on any body.

If you live like you walk on egg shells, maybe it’s time to examine your partnership.  Most relationships start off in a good state, as if being there is the best place in the world.  People can’t wait to see the other because they feel so good being around each other. It’s the best time in a relationship; everything is right with the world and the couple is happy.

So what happened to the happy couple? Now they hunker down in their respective positions, waiting to witness and react to the oncoming daily drama.  This is a situation many couples find themselves immersed in.  No one feels good when locked in this routine.   When the situation gets bad enough, some couples seek professional help.

As a counselor I work with many couples in this predicament.  They tell me their stories about how terrible the other person has been.  Both feel empty and wronged by their partner.  Sometimes there’s bitterness, sometimes resentment, in each case there’s loss; loss of what was, that perfect relationship where you both felt terrific.

Couples feel terrible in this state.  As a therapist I am grateful for anything that would bring a couple in for counseling.  I know that what ever feels like a break, is really an opportunity in disguise.  A rupture in a relationship often leaves people feeling vulnerable and at risk.  I see it as fertile ground for growing in new ways with each other.  For me, it’s all about what comes after, helping the couple understand what needs healing and repairing.  That’s when couples learn new bonding skills; how to listen, and how to ask for what each person needs from the other.  Couples learn how to feel connected again.  It’s a way back, a way back to what was good in the first place, a way to remember without all the heartache, another chance to get it right.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More