Tag Archives: communication

When One Partner Bullies The Other

When we think of a bully we might be reminded of a big kid from school who used his or her size to intimidate others.  Maybe we have an image from some television show or movie of a hulking being pushing others around.  As a couples counselor I can tell you bullies come in all shapes and sizes.  They can be demur women and they can be medium sized men.  They can be kind in their presentation and underneath they can be steaming with anger and come out harsh.  Whatever their shape, they all have at least one thing in common… they are abusive to their mate.

So what kind of abuse are we talking about?  We all know about physical abuse.  I’m talking about emotional abuse, the kind that messes with a person’s head, and the kind that leaves the mate wondering if they are loved or hated.  Often it’s subtle and hard to point out.  Even so, it’s felt by the person who receives it and it feels terrible, oppressive.

When I witness this behavior in a session the first indication I get is usually a tightening in my stomach.  I often experience the feeling of what is happening between the couple.  The one who does the bullying is either explaining something to me or to the mate and it comes across with heaviness and a frustration so thick it sucks the air out of the room.  It can sound like belittling, berating or contempt.  It’s not about the words although they can be harsh too.  It’s more often indicated by the tone.

I’ve listened to couples where one partner is so resentful to the mate it makes my skin crawl.  When I inquire about the presentation, it’s not uncommon for the person to look at me as if I have two heads.  What am I talking about, they wonder?  Of course they love their mate, they profess.  Yet each time I hear them speak to their partner it’s loaded with venom.

The person receiving the hit is often frustrated and exasperated. When I experience a couple with this dynamic it’s very hard for me to feel neutral.  This I know is not the best form of therapy, as I could become biased. I pick up on the recipient’s grief and despair and I just want their pain to stop.  I have to remind myself that the person who is upset, the one who does the bullying, is most likely mad for a reason.

I try to see if I can find a soft side in the aggressor.  I look to see if the mad one has any sympathy or compassion for the partner.  If I can find some compassion or empathy, then I feel I can help the couple.  If I feel a stonewalling from the aggressor, I know he or she may not be ready to look at him or herself.  They are not able to do the processing or observing necessary to begin understanding the affect of their behavior on the other in order to begin healing the rift in the marriage or relationship.

If a person exhibiting anger toward a partner cannot see what they are doing and how it impacts the mate, in my opinion the couple is in danger of breaking.  Often times the examination process alone is too threatening or difficult though, and as a result the couple will leave counseling before we can begin to repair.

There are many reasons why people resort to abusive behavior.  The most common may be because the angry person does not feel heard, understood and valued.  These are feelings everyone wants to experience in a relationship.  When partners feel understood and valued by their mates they usually feel good in the relationship.  When this does not occur people feel sad and sometimes they get angry.  It’s the anger that turns people against their mate and that’s often when the bullying can begin.

Angry people want their mate to be different.  They want them to change so they can feel better.  This is a young person’s idea of how to fix a relationship, not a mature view with two people listening and understanding the other as well as themselves.

I feel bad when I can not help a couple with this kind of distress. It is my hope that they will find their way.  And then I remind myself of the many couples that enter into counseling ready to understand how their behavior impacts their partner.  We walk through the difficulties together gaining new insight and understanding.  This process leads to feeling better in the relationship or marriage.  This work leads to a couple’s health, and that’s where happy couples thrive.

Contact Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Help With Communication Issues

What Do We Do When We Don’t Speak The Same Language? 

This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.  This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don’t speak the same language; they talk but they can’t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating.  Both people want to get their points across but it’s so difficult many couples just stop trying.

This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come into my office for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other.  They both hope that I can bridge the gap that’s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem.  They’ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don’t want to hear it.  In this case they often just stop talking to them.  These couples are at an impasse, and that’s not uncommon either.

Each person had needs that have not been met.  They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don’t know how.  They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship… frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it’s not uncommon for one or the other to say, “It’s not working.”  The truth is; it’s not.  This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other.  That’s why counseling can be helpful.  As a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Long Beach, California I am able to hear what’s missing.  I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life.  As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals.  I gather information and then I help them decode what they can’t seem to hear or understand about the other.  Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other.  Sometimes it sounds like, “He never listens to me,” or “She always nags me.”

These complaints are loaded with emotions.  It’s not just the words I am interested in; it’s what feelings accompany the discomfort.   I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention.  When she says “He never listens”, I hear a longing to feel valued.  When he says “She always nags”, I hear “I feel invisible.”  Some of what’s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn’t feel appreciated.  It’s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don’t feel your partner values or appreciates you.  These are important aspects of a good partnership.

Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across.  To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need.  When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person – instead of just being upset because they are not getting it.  No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either.  Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like.

When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard.  And that’s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.

Call for a free pnone consultation with Linda (562) 293-1737

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What If There’s a BIG Blowup? What Do You Do Then?

All of us get mad at our mates. Even therapists get mad at their partners. I did last week and it was a big one. You might even call it a tantrum. Yes, I had a tantrum. I was pretty sure my reasons were valid for having this blowup. I was very convinced that my mate was hurting me intentionally with a particular situation so I had all the right in the world to get mad.

 

Well this is what I think I was thinking when I was winding up. I had just learned that my husband was going to be working all weekend. I had been thinking about a nice relaxing Sunday with him, knowing that he always works Saturdays. But NO, he informs me Friday afternoon that he has to work Sunday.

 

I see that relaxing day with him I had been looking forward to evaporate and I get scared, I think. I feel alone, small and like no one cares, or something like that. But what ever I am feeling the next words out of my mouth are, "I'm really mad about this!" Then I ask him to come into the kitchen where I'm mixing a protein drink. I tell him I want to talk about this because I'm really mad. He wants to leave but I ask him to stay and then I start to rant. "It's not fair. I'm not going to see you all weekend." He reminds me that he has to work an occasional Sunday.

 

I know this but I feel like I've been blindsided without any warning so I continue in a high pitched angry, accusatory voice. "I don't care. I am just mad that I won't be with you." This conversation goes nowhere and he retreats to the den. I calm down a little until I realize that he is also gone this evening for work, so he's gone Friday night, Saturday and Sunday during the day. When I remember this I get going all over again. "And I just remembered you are working tonight," I scream.

 

Now I am really mad. I even go into the den to make my point more dramatically.

I head back to the kitchen where I am fuming as I continue to mix my drink. It comes in one of those shakers that you drink out of so I start to shake it and in a blink of an eye it spurts out and I am covered all over with a thick brown goo, all over my nice "professional therapy" clothes. Then I shriek like there is no tomorrow. I am complaining about the mess in a high-pitched yell. Then I get mad because my husband didn't come in to see what was wrong.

 

I storm upstairs to change my clothes saying to him, "Why didn't you come in to see what happened? I spilled the drink all over myself." I throw off my drink-covered clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor. I change into something else and I head downstairs. I glance into the kitchen and there is my husband cleaning up the mess. I am still mad, at this point even though I'm not sure at what and I announce to him, "Just throw the drink away. I don't want it anymore." And with that I exit the house and head to work.

 

I calm down because I have to get back into work mode. I have a break and I head home to get something to eat. I know my husband has gone to work. I open the den door and there, on top of the table is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a note that reads, "I want to be with you always." The you is underlined. I feel loved and ashamed in the same moment. I feel like a silly little girl who just didn't get her way so she made a big old fuss. I call him and say, "Thank you so much for the flowers. I am so sorry I was a child who had a tantrum." He says, "Yeah you really had a big tantrum, especially when you spilled the drink." He asks if he can call me back because he's busy and I say I will be busy too, not necessary. Then I ask him this, "Are we good?" He says, "Yeah, we're good."

 

I tell this story to a colleague and she says you should get him something too. After leaving work I stop at the store and get him a card and a little trinket, making sure he sees them first thing when he comes home tonight from work.

 

The next morning I check to see if there is any residue. Nope, just us. Do I feel good about what I did? No, I feel silly. Did it kill us and make us hate each other? No, just the opposite. He found out how important he is to me, I found out how important I am to him. We just had to wade through some muck for this beautiful wisdom.

 

I haven't raged in years. I can't say it felt good. It just was. No one is perfect. We are all just human. I hope I don't rage again for many, many years. But even if I do, I know there is always something I can do about it. I can repair. So can you.

 

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He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her.  She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything.  It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat.  I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate.  The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other.  It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex.  This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does.  I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported.  It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution.  We talk to others.  This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads.  They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.”  This is a natural fit for most men.  That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her.  This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties.  But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging.  That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation.  You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa.  You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something.  This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live.  Someone has to make a move to become unstuck.  Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better.  If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate.  Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood.  Why not just ask them?  You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular.  This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good.  Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship.  Knowing what makes your partner happy.  If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life.  And that’s what all couples want.

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We Have Communication Problems. How Do We Fix Them?

When couples begin counseling one of the most common difficulties I hear couples talk about has to do with communication.  I often hear one or both say this, “We just don’t know how to communicate.  That’s why we are here.”

Chances are people in this situation feel a lack of intimacy.  If you feel empty in your relationship and when you try and get your needs met you run into resistance from your mate, you could surmise that you and your partner are having communication problems.  Many couples then think if they could just learn how to “communicate” the relationship would be improved.

When I hear this I wonder if the word “communicate” is really code for he or she doesn’t listen to me, or he or she doesn’t understand me or even he or she doesn’t love me because if they did, they would do what I needed and I wouldn’t feel this way.

When people summarize their marriage or relationship strife as communication problems I know as a couples counselor that I am just scratching the surface of what is not working between the two.  What I know is that it’s not just a matter of learning different words to fix the communication problem, it’s a matter of understanding what one is feeling and being able to convey it accurately so the partner can understand.  I know that fixing a communication problem means getting two people on to the same page by helping the couple learn to be available for each other and that usually means helping people develop their listening skills as well.

When we grow up we learn how to do a lot of things.  We learn how to listen to our parents or tune them out.  We might learn how to get attention by being a helper in the house or becoming a good student to receive praise.  Maybe we acted out to get noticed.  What ever pattern we learned as a kid we probably still use as an adult.  And why wouldn’t we.  We would have no reason to change if we are not in relationship.  But being with another person we are in such close contact the ways of getting ourselves noticed just might not work anymore.  This is no one’s fault.  Every one receives training when young and does the best they can when they couple.

But while being dutiful or acting out might have been successful strategies before we were a couple, they just don’t seem to work when we get close to another person in an adult relationship or marriage.  This business of not communicating comes in when two people want to be together but they get so frustrated trying to get their needs met and they just can’t seem to understand why it’s so challenging to make themselves heard by the other person.

There is a distinct difference between being an independent person in the relationship and being part of a couple.  That doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, it just means you become aware of your partner and his or her needs as well as your own and you are conscious of this at the same time.  That may sound like a lot of juggling, but trust me, that’s when a relationship gets really good.  When you notice what you need, are aware of what your partner needs and everyone get’s what they need you are living in a place of peace and happiness.  No more communication problems, both of you just taking care of the other, seamlessly.  Now that’s true communication.

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How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication.  Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other.  They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief.   This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen?  It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself.  That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad.  Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners.  I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:        

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with: 

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

 

DO’S

 Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack.  It’s as if the speaker is already mad.  The Do’s have no blame or attack.  They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner.  Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts.  See how it feels.  Try it on each other.  Now try the Do’s.  Use the same topic.  Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases.  You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication.  That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses.  That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner.  We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other.  I believe them.  They say it with such great emotion.  I know they mean it.  I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work.  They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other.  Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen?  When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out?  It feels so great.  It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect.  Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work.  I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff.  Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person.  The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset.  It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally.  I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other.  I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens.  This is helpful for a couple of reasons.  When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate.  This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way.  It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard.  As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner.  Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other.  If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad.  This gets in the way of communication.  I help couples say what needs to be said.  I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better.  And it doesn’t take that long.  Most couples feel better after one or two sessions.  It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need.  Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it.  These are all the communication skills you need.  It’s a retooling of how you used to do things.  That’s all it is.  And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

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Relationships 101

As a couples specialist I know that every couple I counsel has a unique set of issues.  Even so, I can say with confidence that every couple has at least one thing in common:  they want to feel better in the relationship. So if two people love each other, why do they have such difficulty?

To put it simply, we don’t learn how to be in relationships when we couple, we just hope that things will work out.Couples want to be happy. They want to feel supported, understood, admired and loved.  So why do the couples I counsel all say they don’t feel that?  The reason has nothing to do with intent. I believe people who get together in relationships want to build something special together.

The problem is that people haven’t learned what qualities make a good relationship. Without knowing how to listen to each other, ask for what you need, or resolve disagreements without a fight, most couples knock into each other on a regular basis and get pretty bruised in the process. They end up angry and resentful, and/or disappointed and sad.  It’s a terrible state to live in with someone you love.

So why does this happen? We learn a lot in our life. We learn how to be a student in school. We learn as a child how to relate to our parents. We learn how to follow rules.  We learn how to exist in our world. We understand that we are entitled to a good life. We are also taught that when we meet the right person we will be happy, and everyone wants to be happy.

Here’s the problem, and it usually starts when we are young. Some of us see dysfunction in the families we grew up in and we make a vow to ourselves that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We have good intentions to live better, more peacefully. But all the intentions in the world can not teach us how to be in a relationship. These are not skills you can learn in one class.  No one learns new behaviors in a day. It takes time to understand how to be a good partner and it takes practice to become one.

A good place to start is by answering the following questions. How do you speak to your partner?  Are you kind and loving?  Are you curt and angry? Do you resent your mate and show it by rolling your eyes and shrugging your shoulders? This is the first thing to notice. This is step one in Relationship 101. Be nice to your partner, period. You may be mad about something and want something resolved with him or her. This is a different matter. The first step to being in a good relationship is treating your partner with love, and that means speaking with kindness, all the time.

Step two involves learning how to resolve difficulties before they become fights. Maybe your parents modeled good resolution skills and you do this automatically. When issues arise you speak about them with your mate. You tell your side, you listen to your partner, you discuss the matter and you come to an understanding. Unless you learned how to do this as a child growing up, you probably exhibit very different behaviors when you get upset.  Maybe you yell. Maybe you get quiet and sulk. Maybe you leave the room. If you do any of these, you could benefit from learning how to resolve issues more effectively.

Step three is about asking for what you need.  Something happens to us when we fall in love.  There’s this little, secret place where we feel really vulnerable and we believe our partner knows us so well that they will take care of all our needs, wants and desires that are kept hidden there.  Of course they will, we tell ourselves; they know us intimately, they love us, they would never do anything to hurt us. This is a wonderful belief. Many people feel this way without being aware of it.  Most people don’t talk about this with their partner. But that doesn’t prevent them from believing it and expecting their mate to solve all their problems and make life wonderful.

But this is a fantasy. People, even people who love us, don’t automatically know what we need deep down inside our soul. No one will ever know this unless you tell them. This may be one of the most difficult parts of learning how to be happy in a relationship. You must learn what you need, want and desire, and you must be able to ask your partner for it. No one can read your mind, even someone who loves you.

In couples counseling I help people understand the state of their relationship.  Then we begin to implement new behaviors, paving the way for something better.  This is one way to improve a relationship, and isn’t that what you want, too?

©Copyright 2010 by Linda Nusbaum, M.A., M.F.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. This article was solely written and edited by the author named above.

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Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking.  We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say.  This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject.  Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue.  We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them.  We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks.  Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?”  Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought.  This is usually eye opening for the couple.  When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t.  We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment.  We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask.  And guess what happens if we do?  When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us.  When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too.  But starting with not assuming is the first step.  It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say).  But I realize that I am assuming I know.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to listen to what you think.  I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

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When Our Partners Can’t Listen

Most of the time when two people in a relationship feel unhappy part of the problem is that they don’t feel heard by their partner.  When we feel heard and understood we often feel validated and our problems seem to dissolve and we feel better.  If our partner can’t hear what’s troubling us or what we need we feel alone and isolated.

So if it’s that simple, why is it so hard for couples to do it?  Most of the couples I work with want to have a better relationship.  They come to counseling because they want to feel close and connected again.  Both people are usually pretty earnest about their intent.  They see what they want to have, but they are usually stumped on how to achieve it.

Sometimes they blame the other person because they think if their partner really loved them they would know how to make them happy.  Unfortunately many couples aren’t talking about what they want and need from their partner and that makes it difficult for the partner to know what to do.

Here’s what I see when couples can’t hear each other.  One person says how they feel about something, or some incident.  The person talking feels bad about what happened.  What they want is for their partner to understand their pain.  They want an audience from the person who knows them the best.  They want to feel like their partner gets what happened to them.  They might even want the partner to apologize. This means that the listener is not thinking about how guilty they feel for causing the pain.  This means that the listener is also not thinking of ways the partner has hurt them and waiting to respond.  But that’s usually what happens.  One person talks, and the other person waits to retort and sometimes retaliate.  No one is listening.

In order to feel heard, validated and get some resolution, the teller of the pain needs to just tell it to the person that may have caused it.  That’s it, nothing more.  This is part of the healing process that couples need to repair.  One pained person talks about what happened to them.  The other person listens without going into their pain.  Unfortunately that’s the dance that most couples fall into.  One person talks and the other person tops them.  This starts a back and forth with no winner and no end.  Both parties end up feeling exasperated, frustrated, drained and alone.

I help couples learn a new way to communicate.  Both people get their say, but they have to take turns.  It really doesn’t matter who goes first, but it does matter that the listener just do the job of listening so the talker gets heard.  This does not come naturally.  Most of us aren’t taught that sharing our pain actually helps us heal.  Many of us learn that we must fight to be heard, that we have to express our pain in order to get relief.  But that style usually leaves people feeling unhappy and alone.

Once couples learn these tools of being the talker and the listener they never feel alone in the relationship again.  They might even feel terrific, realizing that their mate really cares.

 

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