My Partner Criticizes Me — Video Help for Relationship Problems

Being criticized feels really, really awful. Anyone who’s been picked apart can tell you that.


Let’s talk about why people criticize—the feelings underlying it, what they hope to achieve, and how to keep things civil and constructive.

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But I’m Right! Why Can’t My Partner See That?

I really empathize with couples that begin a session with one person telling me something like this, “Why doesn’t my partner realize I am right?” Immediately I know that the pair sitting in front of me is in despair. I know that to live in a relationship where one person professes to have the right in the relationship while seeing the other as wrong puts both at a disadvantage. I know that both people may be feeling exhausted and sad.

Unfortunately this pattern often repeats itself; arguments unfold where one person insists he/she is right while the other feels inadequate or blamed. This person may feel right too, but it’s likely he/she has given up trying to have his/her voice heard and might be depressed. And it’s not uncommon for two people to point the finger at one another and say he, or she is to blame. In this scenario both people have to be right and everyone loses.

It may be the way we were raised, where blame had to be affixed to a problem. If this is what we experienced as a young person we might bring this aspect of how to relate to others into our own adult relationship. When there is a problem, look for the culprit. Identify the culprit, get the culprit to accept responsibility and force them to agree to learn from the mistake and not make it again.

Some people parent or train people this way. It’s designed to help people become accountable for their actions. This method has a place, but I believe it blows up the idea of mutual respect in a relationship if you use it with your mate. It allows one person to be in the position of knowing, while the other person is placed in the position of being taught. These positions are not equal and they make one or both people feel pretty unsatisfied.

The one who needs to be right can’t get relief because the other won’t listen. The one who is being told they are wrong resists because no one wants to feel blamed or bad. This kind of pattern usually leaves couples in a stalemate. Both want something from the other person. Both are not sure how to get it. It’s possible that the one who has to be right just wants to be listened too. It’s also possible that the one who is being blamed just wants to feel valued, and not persecuted.

Couples with this pattern may grow exhausted with each other. It takes a lot of energy defending your position all the time. It also takes a lot of energy tuning out your mate. Why not discover a way to use that energy in a more productive way; getting your needs met so you feel better?

When I work with couples with this type of interaction, I like to begin the process of helping each person understand his or her behaviors. The beginning part of dismantling this kind of system is understanding how we interact with our mate. Partners begin to get an idea of how they communicate with each other. This then leads to awareness of how the communication impacts the partner.

Helping couples understand the weight of their words is some of the early work. Also important is figuring out what each person needs. It’s possible that the person who has to be right just wants to feel valued and important. The more she stresses that she is right the harder she tries to feel valued and important.

The one who is being blamed could also benefit from becoming aware of how he responds. Maybe he tunes out his partner when he hears her insist she is right. Maybe he rolls his eyes or just shakes his head. What ever he is doing is important to look at during a counseling session. Understanding that his reaction has an impact on her is also important. And what are his needs that aren’t being met? Maybe he wants to feel valued too. Maybe he wants to have his voice heard as well.

In my experience that’s usually what two people in a relationship want: to be heard, to feel listened to, and acceptance. When these basic needs are fulfilled, couples flourish. They can even begin to experience a deeper connection with each other, one that may include making the other person happy, and when couples reach that level both people feel they are in a relationship worth having.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication.  Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other.  They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief.   This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen?  It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself.  That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad.  Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners.  I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:        

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with: 

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

 

DO’S

 Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack.  It’s as if the speaker is already mad.  The Do’s have no blame or attack.  They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner.  Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts.  See how it feels.  Try it on each other.  Now try the Do’s.  Use the same topic.  Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases.  You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication.  That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses.  That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner.  We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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But We Love Each Other – Why Can’t We Get Along?

Sometimes couples will come in for counseling and the first thing they tell me is how much they love each other.  I believe them.  They say it with such great emotion.  I know they mean it.  I also get to see their angst, because they are in such a quandary and feeling frustrated because they can’t figure out how to make the relationship work.  They wonder aloud and say, “We love each other.  Why can’t we get along?”

How does this happen?  When you meet the right person, why doesn’t it just magically work out?  It feels so great.  It feels as if everything is just going to be perfect.  Why doesn’t it work out that way?

Here’s what I see; two people who want to make the relationship work.  I also see two people who don’t know how to listen to each other without feeling attacked, blamed, dismissed, disrespected or cutoff.  Each partner gets frustrated with the other because neither feels as if they are really being heard by the other person.  The more they try to explain, the more the other person gets upset.  It feels like a never-ending cycle and neither knows how to change it.

As a counselor the first thing I like to do is pull the couple apart; not physically, but emotionally.  I want to hear from each, without the aid of the other.  I want to treat each person as if I am alone with just them in the room, while the other one listens.  This is helpful for a couple of reasons.  When I begin with a couple I am a newcomer to their issues. When I hear the problems, I do not have a reserve of judgment built up, and I am not going to react the same way as the mate.  This listening moment does two things; it models another way for the mate to listen, a non-responsive way.  It also allows the person who is sharing to really feel as if they are heard.  As I listen I am able to hear what the person is longing for, and most of the time it’s to feel understood by their mate.

I take what I’ve heard, summarize the substance and explain it to the partner.  Most of the time it’s not the content of what is being said, it’s the way people say things, surrounded with heavy emotions, that prevents partners from really listening to each other.  If a person is always sad when they speak to their mate, the mate might feel responsible for the sadness and feel bad.  This gets in the way of communication.  I help couples say what needs to be said.  I help them understand what emotions they are carrying and then help each person figure out what they need and maybe show them how to ask their partner for it.

This is not hard work, especially when two people love each other and want to make things better.  And it doesn’t take that long.  Most couples feel better after one or two sessions.  It does take courage though, courage to look inside you, and acknowledge what you long for and need.  Then all you have to do is learn how to talk with your partner, learn how to listen to your mate, understand what you need and ask for it.  These are all the communication skills you need.  It’s a retooling of how you used to do things.  That’s all it is.  And it’s a fix that can last a lifetime.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Top Five Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Most people know what doesn’t work in a relationship. If you thought about it, you could probably come up with your own list and it might include; yelling, blaming, criticizing, and ignoring each other. I think we can all agree that any physical violence would definitely be a relationship killer too.

People know inside themselves what doesn’t work in a relationship. You can feel it. I think we all know whether our relationship is in a good place or not.

Relationship experts know there are certain behaviors that get in the way of good communication and trust.  These behaviors, over time, will corrode the quality and strength of the bond between two people.  Sometimes the thread between a couple has deteriorated over time and it’s just too hard to repair.

But for many relationships, repairing and strengthening is exactly what is needed.

So first, here are The Five Top Relationship Killers, according to John Gottman, PhD. The worst things you can do in a relationship are the following:

  1. Criticize – We all do it, and it hurts.  Just imagine what it feels like when someone criticizes you.  It feels terrible.  You might even feel bad, like you’ve done something wrong.  This is a top relationship killer.
  1. Contempt – If you’ve ever felt this you will not forget it.  It feels as if the one you love hates you.  If you have felt it toward your partner, they have felt your hate.  It hurts deeply.
  1. Defensiveness – It’s not uncommon to defend yourself against unkind words or accusations.  It’s something many of us do to protect ourselves.  But if we go immediately to a defensive posture every time we feel threatened there is little room for true communication.  The relationship loses.
  1. Stonewalling – Not communicating is a posture many of us find ourselves in also.  In this position we just don’t talk.  We keep our feelings stuffed inside ourselves and we don’t communicate them to our partner.  We just block them out and go about our business… alone.
  1. Blame – Sometimes when we accuse the other of something we might initially feel better, but blaming the other for things they did or did not do is a sure fire way of starting something even bigger between the two of you, and that may be really unpleasant.

If you are in a relationship chances are you may dip into the above positions.  That’s pretty normal.  If you live in them you probably are feeling pretty lousy about your relationship and could be helped by couples counseling.

For a quick guide to help couples get closer let’s explore the word “attune” which means “to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship”.

Spelled out, here is your guide for closeness and understanding:

ATTUNE

A = Become aware of what you are feeling, especially if it is negative – This means you just look at what’s happening to you, that’s all, just get an idea of what you bring to the table.

T= Turn toward you partner, even if you are angry, don’t turn away and go upstairs and slam the door.  Even when you are feeling your worst, turn toward you partner, don’t shut him or her out.

T= Remember to be Tolerant; there are at least two different opinions here, yours and your partner’s.  Each of you is right. Take a step back to realize that both of you are here, not just you.

U= Understand where you partner is coming from.  This part is hard if you are still wanting to get some relief from your partner because you got your feelings hurt or something, but it’s important to understand that each of you come from some place different and they are both valid.

N= Non-reactive responding.  Don’t get upset when you talk.  This is a hard one too because if you are still angry you may not be able to be calm and understanding and be able to listen without reacting.  But if you can do it you are on your way to healing and connection.

E= Empathy, feeling your partners pain and other feelings.  This is a wonderful place for a couple to be in.  This is where you feel safe and you can say anything because you know your partner will listen and love you no matter what.  This is the place where you feel accepted.  When couples can get here, they pretty much can figure out the rest.

To improve our relationships, like anything else in life, it takes practice. It’s O.K. to try something new, especially when you realize the two of you could become happier.

Let me know what you think.  Send me your comments.  Let’s talk about it.


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When Couples Can’t Say What They Want To Say To Each Other

All the couples I work with have something in common.  They want a better relationship with their partner.  It’s universal.  We as humans want to be loved.  We want to feel safe, cared for, supported and nurtured.  We want the best out of life and we want it from our mate.

This is true with all relationships.  Who wants a relationship filled with hurt feelings, criticism, lack of support and silence?  None of the couple I work with.  In fact that’s usually what they talk about when I meet them.  They tell me what’s in their relationship now; fighting, sadness, aloneness, and they tell me they want that gone so they can feel the love again.

Most people think counseling is a way to remove the barriers that have crept in overtime and kept the couple from feeling connected.  The counselor is supposed to remove the barriers and then the couple is happy again. 

One time a client walked into the room and stated, “So this is where the magic happens.”  I laughed with him and responded, “Yes it is.  In fact my magic wand is right over there.”  We laughed again, but the truth behind that statement echoes what most people believe; therapy will fix the problem.

What I like to help people understand is that counseling helps couples understand themselves, their relationship and each other.  I’m their guide to help them in the process.  I know the real success lies in couples who can say everything to their partner without fear of hurting feelings or driving them away.  I know that happy couples know how to listen to their partners without taking everything personally or feeling they have to argue to the death to win an argument.

There are very few rules for a good relationship.  But these guidelines are important.  They sound a lot like the good book, or the Ten Commandments or any other philosophy that treats others with compassion.  They are simple because if you and your mate are conscious, you will not intentionally harm the other.  If you accidently hurt the other, your mate can tell you about the hurt and you can make amends immediately.  You recognize that holding on to hurt feelings harms you and your mate, it keeps you disconnected.  You work hard to resolve difficulties because you know that if you don’t they will build and build and you will have walls between you that leads to all the stuff you don’t want.

The recipe for a good relationship is simple.  The roadmap to getting there may not be.  Each person brings to a relationship his and her experiences from a lifetime of living without the partner.  Included in this history is an unconscious collection of rights and wrongs.  This collection is a template that people fit their lives on to. The rights and wrongs keep us safe in our world. When people find their mate there is an unconscious expectation that the mate will automatically understand the partner’s right-and-wrong template. A person might think, if he or she really loved me, they would automatically know what I needed.

Unfortunately each person brings his and her own template, and they differ.  Most people don’t talk about what they need in the relationship to keep them feeling safe and loved because most people don’t even think about it.  It’s unconscious.  You only are aware of it when it’s not working.  Something happens and you feel misunderstood.  Your perfect person doesn’t know that one important thing about you.  They must be heartless, or even, the wrong person.  The perfect person would know, automatically, because isn’t that what love is?

These are the issues you get to explore in counseling.  You become conscious of when you expect something from your partner without asking for it.  You gain the confidence in yourself to be able to ask for what you need.  You stop blaming your mate for not giving you what you needed when you haven’t let them know what it is.  It’s simple and it can be challenging.  Even so, it’s worth it.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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Why it’s So Hard to Let Go of Resentment

Even when couples want to improve their relationship, if resentment has built up between them it will stand in the way.  Both know it’s there, no one knows what to do about it.  So what can you do?  One way is to seek counseling learn how to
get rid of it. 

Unfortunately the resentment is not a thing to be destroyed; it has become a part of the person who is holding on to it.  It’s with them when they wake in the morning and think of their mate.  It’s there when they talk to their friends.  It’s present in a conversation with their partner. It’s always there, like a thick fog that surrounds everything.

So when couples ask me what they can do to get rid of it I know the next thing I have to do is start explaining.  Explaining how resentment forms and what it takes to soften and fade.  Couples don’t want to hear me talk about this.  What they really want is for me to just give them tools to help them get rid of it, like buying a shovel when you have to dig up something.  Some couples implore me to give them the secret.  But I know there isn’t one. 

Most people who hold on to resentment believe that the other person has to do something to make the relationship better.  I know this isn’t the magic bullet either.  Releasing resentment in a relationship takes both people: the person who acted in a way that caused the hurt, and the person who is hurting.  Both have to be involved and willing to work through the resentment. 

The first phase is all about becoming aware of one’s part.  It’s not about blaming the other.  Each person must begin an internal dialogue with him or herself to understand what part of the action or event belongs to them.  It there are two people each has a role.  One may feel that the action was done to them and that may be true, but where was the silent partner?  Was he or she unavailable and distant?  Getting in touch with your part is crucial, and it’s the first step in your healing and the relationship’s health.

It can be a pivotal moment in the relationship when each person understands themselves as an individual with unique needs and desires, different then their partners.  The more you notice yourself, and that you are different than your mate, the better equipped you will be to resolve difficult issues between the two of you.  Understanding what you are feeling, and not confusing it with what he or she did to you will go a long way toward repair.

Once you know about your part and can identify your feelings you can ask your partner to hear you. Not fix or change your feelings, but just listen to what is going on inside you.  If someone is holding back some pain from an incident that happened a year or more ago there is still a wound that needs attention.  One way of attending to that pain is to ask the offender to listen to what it feels like to carry around the hurt.

If the goal of the couple is to move through and past the pain, each will have to be involved.  The one who does the listening will have to find a way to just hear the partner’s words.  The listener tries to understand the speaker.  The listener offers a safe place for the speaker to unfold and be heard.

The listener does not try and change the speaker’s words or defend an action.  The listener has the chance to understand why the speaker is holding on to the pain.  The listener has the opportunity to feel what the partner has been feeling.  Sometimes when couples reach this state it’s possible for true repair. Through empathy, feeling another’s pain, awareness can grow.

Perhaps the listener hears something new and wants to make amends.  This also leads to healing.

Because the pain is usually so deep, the process for moving through and beyond resentment must also been deep.  It’s hard to reveal one’s painful truth to another, but if a couple is ready to go this route, the benefits can be amazing. 

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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