My Partner Criticizes Me — Video Help for Relationship Problems
Being criticized feels really, really awful. Anyone who’s been picked apart can tell you that.
Let’s talk about why people criticize—the feelings underlying it, what they hope to achieve, and how to keep things civil and constructive.
When Your Partner is Your Enemy
By the time couples come in to see me for couples counseling it’s a good bet they have tried everything they know to feel better in the relationship. If a couple comes in while both still like each other and both want to make the partnership work the outcome can be terrific.
But if each person has been holding on to anger at the other person for a good amount of time and finding fault with everything their partner does, then mending the damage becomes an entirely different and more difficult endeavor.
Sometimes when a couple has been at war with each other for a long time they don’t see the good in the other person anymore. They see their mate as the evil one who does things intentionally to hurt them. They might even feel harmed by their mate. So they might end up making their partner, husband, wife, the person they believed would grow old with, into something they never thought they would… they make them their ENEMY.
I bet if you could go back in time with any couple who stays at war with their mate and see them early on in their relationship as a loving couple, and if you asked them then if they thought they would be enemies they would probably tell you, you are crazy to even think they could possibly hate their beloved. It would be unthinkable to them. No one sets out to dislike the one they love.
And if there is any hope for a recommitment of sorts between them, that’s where I have to help them look, back to the start of the relationship when they believed in their partnership. The couple has to find some kernel of past happiness to hold on to, in order to be able to rekindle something that could bring them closer.
By the time a couple gets caught up in the cycle of blaming each other, it’s likely they have spent a lot of time wishing they could be close and feel loved by their partner. When couples end up blaming their partner for what is wrong in the relationship they have already spent a long time trying to change their mate so they can feel better; feel more love, feel close to them again. They have tried everything they know and are probably exhausted and lonely. Unfortunately, I believe that a working relationship must have aware participants who can take responsibility for how they treat their partner.
No one gets a pass to be mean to their beloved. I don’t care what your partner has done. When we retaliate on our mate we are no better than two five-year-olds battling it out on a schoolyard. This is no-win behavior that makes us mad at our mate and it pushes us toward demonizing them and hating them for how we feel…unloved.
People who bicker and argue may be good at fighting with each other. They may even think that people need to have battling skills to be in a successful relationship. Maybe they saw their parents fight like this. Maybe they learned how to raise their voice out of frustration. What ever the reason let me be clear on this point too. As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping couples I know that fighting does not belong in a healthy relationship. Fighting causes harm and bad feelings.
Disagreements are a natural part of life though. People get their feelings hurt. That’s normal. What is helpful is to learn the skills to tell your partner when you are upset. Both people should also have some skills at saying “I’m sorry.” This is part of resolving difficulties, and these are some of the skills you can learn in counseling. Healthy couples don’t stuff their feelings either, they express them, only they don’t slam or blame their partner in the process.
Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com
Couples Fight… That’s Normal Right?
I often listen to many couples tell me about their fighting practices with each other. Some even tell me that they think they are pretty good at it. Occasionally people tell me they want their partner to improve so they can have better fights. People, and I mean a lot of people assume that fighting is just a natural and expected part of being in a relationship. Everyone fights, right?
As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with couples and who is in a successful relationship herself, I can answer that question with a certain amount of authority. No. Everyone does not fight. Everyone does not stand his or her ground and repeat his or her position and defend that position until the cows come home. No not everyone does this with their partner.
But all of us watch the news, television sit-coms and reality programs and see couples fighting all the time. It seems like the norm. We watch it frequently, so we accept that it’s just what happens. Couples may have the false impression that when a person stands up for himself or herself in a relationship they are being assertive. There may even be a short lived benefit to saying something firm to your partner. But there is also the wreckage; hurt feelings, being misunderstood, cut off from your loved one and alone.
You may be wondering to yourself how people communicate if they don’t get firm and assertive with the other. How do they get their point across when the other person isn’t listening? You may even wonder if people just roll over and let their partner walk all over them so there won’t be a fight. It’s hard to imagine exactly what communication could look like if you have been spending your relationship years locked in battle.
I know this pattern. I learned this in the family I grew up in. When people got their feelings hurt or felt wronged by someone they verbally attacked the offender. “Why did you drink my milk?” Then there was the retort. “Because, I needed it for my cereal.”
“Well you are selfish!” “You are selfish!” This back and forth was so familiar to my ears and my way of communicating it took a lot of work to get out of the habit of blaming the other person for my difficulties.
And that’s what has to happen. Each person in a relationship has a responsibility to the other to be good to the other. If you blame the other for something you are throwing down a gauntlet saying “The fight is on!”
Do you really want to make your beloved the bad guy? Really, there are other ways to get your needs met. Learn them. Unplug from a destructive pattern. It just plain feels better. I know.
Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com
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When You Stay Mad at Your Partner
Getting into disagreements with our mate is not only part of being in a relationship; it’s also a part of life. Staying mad at your partner because you haven’t resolved issues is also pretty common, only this condition takes a toll on everyone. Do you stay mad at your partner?
If you are holding a grudge against him or her you are not alone. As a couples counselor I see couples in all stages of the relationship. Sometimes they come in and they are really mad at the other person. Sometimes it’s one person who does the yelling or scolding while the other just smolders and steams.
Both are not resolving their issues with the other and both end up suffering as a result. The one who gets angry and yells releases energy, but having to scream at your mate to make a point doesn’t do much for your body. You get all filled with rage and this puts stress on too many organs to mention. If you are the one who holds everything in take the next moment to realize what you are doing to your body. That’s right; all your rage is held inside, and your organs aren’t very happy either.
Both of you are suffering. Your bodies are in a constant state of battle readiness, waiting for the next round. We haven’t even talked about what happens to your feelings yet either. They get worked out too. When you feel terrible about your relationship you might tell yourself things like, “I have to get out of here,” or “I would be so much happier if he or she would only do…” In other words, you might spend a lot of time talking to yourself under your breath about what your partner isn’t doing and how much you resent where you are. This is a difficult place to live, and some couples I counsel spend their lives right here.
If I meet a couple in this state the first thing I like to do is listen. I am not interested in any particular argument, not yet anyway. What I want to do is hear from each person separately. I want to know from each person how they see what is wrong. This is an important step for me and the relationship. I get to hear what each person thinks, feels and needs. I also get to understand what each person feels is missing. This is not only a benefit for me as their counselor; it can also be a heavy dose of awareness as each partner listens to their mate.
Often this is a new experience for the couple and it can be an eye opening one. In their usual way of relating, one person says his or her piece and the other will counter with what he or she needs. No one is doing any listening. Both are just trying to be heard by the other and no one is hearing anybody.
That’s why counseling works. Each person gets to have their say. Partners begin to understand their mates. People develop ways of allowing each other to have differences. Both people begin to get what they want in the relationship; love, support, and respect. It may feel like there’s a big gap from where you are now and where you would like to be. Sometimes it takes just a few steps to feel better. And that’s what people who live angry at their mate are after isn’t it, to feel better?
Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com
Are You Angry at Your Mate?
A lot of couples I work with are angry at their partner. Sometimes this anger has been building for a long time. When the couple finally gets into therapy they are so ready to explode and sometimes they just unleash on each other.
When this happens while I watch the fight I already know a couple of things. The first is that both are in a lot of pain. The second is that neither is getting their needs met and the louder and longer the argument, the greater the chance each person is feeling isolated in the relationship. When couples spend their time in a back and forth disagreeing state, that tells me they are spending less time in a state of togetherness.
The irony is that couples who live with this difficulty are desperate for closeness with each other, yet the arguing between them prevents exactly what they both want.