Taking Responsibility in the Relationship

One of the hardest things I see couples struggle with is the idea that each person in the relationship is responsible for his or her own part of the problems that surround them. It’s not uncommon for people to want to blame the other person for how they feel as if the partner did something to cause the upset. Something bad happens and people start pointing fingers at the other person.

Many couples actually live this way for a long time; looking at their partner as if he or she is the tormentor. When couples live with this pattern it keeps them feeling helpless to change anything in the relationship. Each person keeps waiting for the other person to do something different to make them feel better.

It’s as if both are waiting to feel more appreciated, valued, important to their partner and loved. But the longer they wait, the more tempting it is to blame the other person for not supplying those good feelings. Sometimes couples will even spend the next few years building cases against each other.

You know you’ve done this if you say these kinds of things to your mate, “You did this to me so I had to do this to you.” “You didn’t do this for me so I did this to you.” “If you had only done this than I wouldn’t have had to do that.” All these phrases hold the partner responsible for how you feel. They leave the person blamed feeling helpless and the accuser feeling empty, a sad place for both.

When the relationship has turned into two separate camps, I like to encourage couples to think about a couple of things. The first has to do with intent. What is the intent of your partner when he or she does something that makes you cross? Do you know? Sometimes people just assume they know what their partner intended and it’s usually not very good. I like to encourage people to find out if there is any ill will coming from the mate. To do this all a partner has to do is ask.

It could sound something like this, “Hey, when you left those dirty socks on the bed did you do that to make me mad?” I know this probably sounds silly, but chances are if you got mad because your mate left dirty socks on the bed you might want to find out if he or she did it on purpose just to piss you off. If they didn’t, don’t they deserve to forget, make a mistake or just be oblivious once in a while? Find out what they were trying to tell you, if anything, with the action before you explode.

The second thing is understand how you impact your partner. If you accuse him or her of doing something to harm you, you are blaming them for something. Ask yourself what it feels like when you get blamed. It feels terrible. Usually we get defensive and want to argue back. Try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes before you level the criticism.

If you say something you feel bad about, apologize. That’s what considerate people do. This does not make you weak. This makes you a good person. It also sends a message to your mate. It tells them, “I don’t want to stay mad at you. I want to get closer to you.”

And that’s what all couples want, closeness, connectedness, love.

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Living With Frustration in Your Relationship

Many couples I work with come in with a good amount of stress and difficulty. The causes sometimes vary, but the behaviors people use to respond to the upset are often predictable. People who start out loving each other sometimes find themselves so burdened by stress and difficulty they end up feeling frustrated in the relationship.

No one starts out being frustrated. Frustration comes after being unhappy, sometimes for a long time. Often couples with the best intentions end up not being able to explain themselves to each other, or they won’t say what they really want to say and as a result they feel tense, stressed and often times frustrated.

Frustration can appear in many ways. It may come out as a curt answer to a question. Maybe it’s a rolling of the eyes, or a “whatever” response to a partner or no response at all. Frustration can also be felt when one person ignores the other altogether.

Sometimes frustration is a slammed door, or a sigh. It’s a sign of exasperation from the frustrated person to the other telling them something is very wrong. It also broadcasts unhappiness and discontent. And it’s a problem. It keeps the frustrated person trapped in difficulty and leaves the other partner in the dark regarding the source of the problem.

What would be helpful is to discover how to talk about what doesn’t feel good in the relationship. Unfortunately this is often difficult for couples who have not communicated with each other for a while.

If you find yourself answering your mate with frustrated gestures you might want to think about what is happening to you. I am sure you did not start out being unfriendly to your beloved. I am pretty sure you used to have very soft, loving responses in the early days. Maybe as time passed you found yourself unable to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner without worrying how he or she might react. It’s possible you may even have started keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not wanting to bother your mate. But the more you kept your thoughts and feelings inside without speaking them, the more you might have felt yourself becoming stressed and uncomfortable.

This is the body’s natural response to too much tension. This tension is a clear message about what it feels like when you can’t express yourself and you keep your feelings inside. You might have a sensation of all your feelings being trapped inside your own body and you can’t let them out, like you are frozen. You keep yourself suppressed and you suffer. At first you might be able to manage your increased stress. Maybe you exercise more or take up an activity. Maybe you yell at the kids instead or a co-worker. Perhaps you overindulge; too much alcohol, drugs, or food. You do what ever you can to find ways of letting off steam and tension.

This helps you survive difficulty and maintain, but it doesn’t help repair the problems between you and your mate. The more you figure out how to manage your challenges, the more you might be looking at your partner with distain. You may start to believe that he or she just doesn’t care about what you think and feel. That’s when people start with the one word answers, or the disinterest, or the shaking of the head. These behaviors tell the other person you are not interested in them. These reactions indicate that you are unhappy.

If you are unhappy in your relationship take stock of how you are feeling right now. Ask yourself, “Am I stressed and unable to talk to my partner about what is bothering me?” If you answer yes start looking at the ways you do talk to your mate. Are you short and abrasive? Do you dismiss him or her? Do you just not bother because you don’t think anything will change?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you just might be living with frustration.

So how do you change your situation? You just took the first step. You recognized it. From here you might want to talk to someone; a friend, family member, religious mentor or counselor. Get your long held feelings from inside yourself, outside your head by communicating them. Try and understand what is preventing you from talking to your mate about these feelings. Learn why you stay silent.

You will likely feel better even after just a few sessions. You could also learn different ways to communicate your feelings that may give you confidence. When you leave your old behaviors; the eye rolling, sarcastic responses, non answers, and replace them with true expressions of your feelings a number of things might also happen. Your stress and tension may decrease, and it’s possible you might even begin to experience some happiness, and that might feel pretty great.

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What If There’s a BIG Blowup? What Do You Do Then?

All of us get mad at our mates. Even therapists get mad at their partners. I did last week and it was a big one. You might even call it a tantrum. Yes, I had a tantrum. I was pretty sure my reasons were valid for having this blowup. I was very convinced that my mate was hurting me intentionally with a particular situation so I had all the right in the world to get mad.

Well this is what I think I was thinking when I was winding up. I had just learned that my husband was going to be working all weekend. I had been thinking about a nice relaxing Sunday with him, knowing that he always works Saturdays. But NO, he informs me Friday afternoon that he has to work Sunday.

I see that relaxing day with him I had been looking forward to evaporate and I get scared, I think. I feel alone, small and like no one cares, or something like that. But what ever I am feeling the next words out of my mouth are, "I'm really mad about this!" Then I ask him to come into the kitchen where I'm mixing a protein drink. I tell him I want to talk about this because I'm really mad. He wants to leave but I ask him to stay and then I start to rant. "It's not fair. I'm not going to see you all weekend." He reminds me that he has to work an occasional Sunday.

I know this but I feel like I've been blindsided without any warning so I continue in a high pitched angry, accusatory voice. "I don't care. I am just mad that I won't be with you." This conversation goes nowhere and he retreats to the den. I calm down a little until I realize that he is also gone this evening for work, so he's gone Friday night, Saturday and Sunday during the day. When I remember this I get going all over again. "And I just remembered you are working tonight," I scream.

Now I am really mad. I even go into the den to make my point more dramatically.

I head back to the kitchen where I am fuming as I continue to mix my drink. It comes in one of those shakers that you drink out of so I start to shake it and in a blink of an eye it spurts out and I am covered all over with a thick brown goo, all over my nice "professional therapy" clothes. Then I shriek like there is no tomorrow. I am complaining about the mess in a high-pitched yell. Then I get mad because my husband didn't come in to see what was wrong.

I storm upstairs to change my clothes saying to him, "Why didn't you come in to see what happened? I spilled the drink all over myself." I throw off my drink-covered clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor. I change into something else and I head downstairs. I glance into the kitchen and there is my husband cleaning up the mess. I am still mad, at this point even though I'm not sure at what and I announce to him, "Just throw the drink away. I don't want it anymore." And with that I exit the house and head to work.

I calm down because I have to get back into work mode. I have a break and I head home to get something to eat. I know my husband has gone to work. I open the den door and there, on top of the table is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a note that reads, "I want to be with you always." The you is underlined. I feel loved and ashamed in the same moment. I feel like a silly little girl who just didn't get her way so she made a big old fuss. I call him and say, "Thank you so much for the flowers. I am so sorry I was a child who had a tantrum." He says, "Yeah you really had a big tantrum, especially when you spilled the drink." He asks if he can call me back because he's busy and I say I will be busy too, not necessary. Then I ask him this, "Are we good?" He says, "Yeah, we're good."

I tell this story to a colleague and she says you should get him something too. After leaving work I stop at the store and get him a card and a little trinket, making sure he sees them first thing when he comes home tonight from work.

The next morning I check to see if there is any residue. Nope, just us. Do I feel good about what I did? No, I feel silly. Did it kill us and make us hate each other? No, just the opposite. He found out how important he is to me, I found out how important I am to him. We just had to wade through some muck for this beautiful wisdom.

I haven't raged in years. I can't say it felt good. It just was. No one is perfect. We are all just human. I hope I don't rage again for many, many years. But even if I do, I know there is always something I can do about it. I can repair. So can you.

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But I’m Right! Why Can’t My Partner See That?

I really empathize with couples that begin a session with one person telling me something like this, “Why doesn’t my partner realize I am right?” Immediately I know that the pair sitting in front of me is in despair. I know that to live in a relationship where one person professes to have the right in the relationship while seeing the other as wrong puts both at a disadvantage. I know that both people may be feeling exhausted and sad.

Unfortunately this pattern often repeats itself; arguments unfold where one person insists he/she is right while the other feels inadequate or blamed. This person may feel right too, but it’s likely he/she has given up trying to have his/her voice heard and might be depressed. And it’s not uncommon for two people to point the finger at one another and say he, or she is to blame. In this scenario both people have to be right and everyone loses.

It may be the way we were raised, where blame had to be affixed to a problem. If this is what we experienced as a young person we might bring this aspect of how to relate to others into our own adult relationship. When there is a problem, look for the culprit. Identify the culprit, get the culprit to accept responsibility and force them to agree to learn from the mistake and not make it again.

Some people parent or train people this way. It’s designed to help people become accountable for their actions. This method has a place, but I believe it blows up the idea of mutual respect in a relationship if you use it with your mate. It allows one person to be in the position of knowing, while the other person is placed in the position of being taught. These positions are not equal and they make one or both people feel pretty unsatisfied.

The one who needs to be right can’t get relief because the other won’t listen. The one who is being told they are wrong resists because no one wants to feel blamed or bad. This kind of pattern usually leaves couples in a stalemate. Both want something from the other person. Both are not sure how to get it. It’s possible that the one who has to be right just wants to be listened too. It’s also possible that the one who is being blamed just wants to feel valued, and not persecuted.

Couples with this pattern may grow exhausted with each other. It takes a lot of energy defending your position all the time. It also takes a lot of energy tuning out your mate. Why not discover a way to use that energy in a more productive way; getting your needs met so you feel better?

When I work with couples with this type of interaction, I like to begin the process of helping each person understand his or her behaviors. The beginning part of dismantling this kind of system is understanding how we interact with our mate. Partners begin to get an idea of how they communicate with each other. This then leads to awareness of how the communication impacts the partner.

Helping couples understand the weight of their words is some of the early work. Also important is figuring out what each person needs. It’s possible that the person who has to be right just wants to feel valued and important. The more she stresses that she is right the harder she tries to feel valued and important.

The one who is being blamed could also benefit from becoming aware of how he responds. Maybe he tunes out his partner when he hears her insist she is right. Maybe he rolls his eyes or just shakes his head. What ever he is doing is important to look at during a counseling session. Understanding that his reaction has an impact on her is also important. And what are his needs that aren’t being met? Maybe he wants to feel valued too. Maybe he wants to have his voice heard as well.

In my experience that’s usually what two people in a relationship want: to be heard, to feel listened to, and acceptance. When these basic needs are fulfilled, couples flourish. They can even begin to experience a deeper connection with each other, one that may include making the other person happy, and when couples reach that level both people feel they are in a relationship worth having.

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How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication. Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other. They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief. This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen? It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself. That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad. Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners. I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with:

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

DO’S

Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack. It’s as if the speaker is already mad. The Do’s have no blame or attack. They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner. Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts. See how it feels. Try it on each other. Now try the Do’s. Use the same topic. Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases. You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication. That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses. That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner. We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

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Rules for Our Relationships

Making rules to govern a relationship sounds like something kids would do, but what if a set of rules helps couples treat each other. Would you follow a few guidelines then? We all learn to follow rules when we are little. Rules show us right from wrong. Rules keep us safe, coloring within the lines, or in other words, they keep us grounded.

As a couples specialist I wouldn’t say anyone really needs rules, but sometimes partners treat each other so poorly rules might actually help.

I work with many different kinds of couples. Some partners speak kindly to each other, but many do not. By the time couples enter counseling they have probably spent a lot of time saying mean things to their partners. In some cases those mean things can even include swear words and degrading remarks. Most couples that swear at each other know they should not be hollering at their partners and yet they do it anyway, most likely when an argument occurs. It might even become a well worn pattern developed over time.

So how do couples learn to be nicer to each other? Why not make a rule? NO SWEARING AT EACH OTHER. Why not create an environment with a cuss free zone?

It’s likely you don’t cuss at work or call your boss names. It’s probably safe to say you wouldn’t holler and yell these phrases at your parents or your children, so why not outlaw swearing because it’s something you shouldn’t do to your mate either?

You say you love your partner. Show them by refraining from calling them names. This conveys respect, and often in relationships that’s what’s missing. It may be hard to break a habit if this has been ongoing for a while, but you and your partner can do this. Just make a rule. You made promises to each other when you first got together. Make this another promise. “I promise to not swear at you any more.” Say this to each other, and mean it. Practice it. Maybe you put a jar in the kitchen and every time you slip you put in a quarter, or a dollar. Make a game of it. Just do something different to change how you talk to each other.

Both of you probably want to feel better in your relationship. Speaking nicer to your mate is a great way to start. If you are interested in another step, how about doing one nice thing for your partner every week? This is a change from not doing anything nice for your partner to doing something nice for them. Most of the couples I work with tell me they are waiting for their mate to do something for them. Sometimes this wait goes on for a long time. Doing something for the partner you are mad at is very different then waiting for them to be nice to you.

Imagine what it would be like in your home if the one you are at odds with actually does something special just for you? Now think how he or she would feel if you did something special for him or her. You are trying on new behaviors. When you do something different you get something different in exchange. Maybe it will be a thank you. Maybe it will be astonishment. Maybe you will get a laugh. It may be an improvement.

And isn’t this what you are after, something new, something different, something hopeful?

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When You Stay Mad at Your Partner

Getting into disagreements with our mate is not only part of being in a relationship; it’s also a part of life. Staying mad at your partner because you haven’t resolved issues is also pretty common, only this condition takes a toll on everyone. Do you stay mad at your partner?

If you are holding a grudge against him or her you are not alone. As a couples counselor I see couples in all stages of the relationship. Sometimes they come in and they are really mad at the other person. Sometimes it’s one person who does the yelling or scolding while the other just smolders and steams.

Both are not resolving their issues with the other and both end up suffering as a result. The one who gets angry and yells releases energy, but having to scream at your mate to make a point doesn’t do much for your body. You get all filled with rage and this puts stress on too many organs to mention. If you are the one who holds everything in take the next moment to realize what you are doing to your body. That’s right; all your rage is held inside, and your organs aren’t very happy either.

Both of you are suffering. Your bodies are in a constant state of battle readiness, waiting for the next round. We haven’t even talked about what happens to your feelings yet either. They get worked out too. When you feel terrible about your relationship you might tell yourself things like, “I have to get out of here,” or “I would be so much happier if he or she would only do…” In other words, you might spend a lot of time talking to yourself under your breath about what your partner isn’t doing and how much you resent where you are. This is a difficult place to live, and some couples I counsel spend their lives right here.

If I meet a couple in this state the first thing I like to do is listen. I am not interested in any particular argument, not yet anyway. What I want to do is hear from each person separately. I want to know from each person how they see what is wrong. This is an important step for me and the relationship. I get to hear what each person thinks, feels and needs. I also get to understand what each person feels is missing. This is not only a benefit for me as their counselor; it can also be a heavy dose of awareness as each partner listens to their mate.

Often this is a new experience for the couple and it can be an eye opening one. In their usual way of relating, one person says his or her piece and the other will counter with what he or she needs. No one is doing any listening. Both are just trying to be heard by the other and no one is hearing anybody.

That’s why counseling works. Each person gets to have their say. Partners begin to understand their mates. People develop ways of allowing each other to have differences. Both people begin to get what they want in the relationship; love, support, and respect. It may feel like there’s a big gap from where you are now and where you would like to be. Sometimes it takes just a few steps to feel better. And that’s what people who live angry at their mate are after isn’t it, to feel better?

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Always Mad at Your Mate

One tip off that you are perpetually mad at your partner is how you feel when you are about to see them. Does the thought of being with him or her excite you? If so, this is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship. But if the idea of spending time with your mate drives you up a wall, or even makes you tense up, you may want to take a closer look at your partnership.

If you get stressed out while driving home, or if you get stressed out when your loved one is about to return home, you may find yourself living in various stages of distress. This distress can cause chronic stress and anguish. Maybe you tense up, trying to gage what kind of mood your mate is in. Maybe you can’t relax until you hear them greet you so you’ll know how to react. These states cause anxiety, and that condition is hard on any body.

If you live like you walk on egg shells, maybe it’s time to examine your partnership. Most relationships start off in a good state, as if being there is the best place in the world. People can’t wait to see the other because they feel so good being around each other. It’s the best time in a relationship; everything is right with the world and the couple is happy.

So what happened to the happy couple? Now they hunker down in their respective positions, waiting to witness and react to the oncoming daily drama. This is a situation many couples find themselves immersed in. No one feels good when locked in this routine. When the situation gets bad enough, some couples seek professional help.

As a counselor I work with many couples in this predicament. They tell me their stories about how terrible the other person has been. Both feel empty and wronged by their partner. Sometimes there’s bitterness, sometimes resentment, in each case there’s loss; loss of what was, that perfect relationship where you both felt terrific.

Couples feel terrible in this state. As a therapist I am grateful for anything that would bring a couple in for counseling. I know that what ever feels like a break, is really an opportunity in disguise. A rupture in a relationship often leaves people feeling vulnerable and at risk. I see it as fertile ground for growing in new ways with each other. For me, it’s all about what comes after, helping the couple understand what needs healing and repairing. That’s when couples learn new bonding skills; how to listen, and how to ask for what each person needs from the other. Couples learn how to feel connected again. It’s a way back, a way back to what was good in the first place, a way to remember without all the heartache, another chance to get it right.

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When Partners Swear at Each Other

Sometimes we want to make a point. Sometimes we have to make that point so clearly we use specific words that will drive the point home. Sometimes those words are swear words and sometimes we say them to people we love.

This is not a place that couples go willingly. No one starts a relationship with the notion that at some point they will be swearing and cursing at their partner, and yet I work with some couples who are in this very state and dumbfounded how they got there.

So how does this happen to a couple that starts off loving each other? In any relationship there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. These incidents are going to happen. Sometimes one person will do something that hurts the other and vice versa, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes on purpose.

If you feel attacked by your mate, or left out by your partner you may feel deeply wounded. Sometimes in a painful place people will lash out at the person who hurt them, often their partner. When people are deeply wounded they have to stop the pain, and swearing at their mate let’s them know of the depth of the pain.

I know there is a tremendous amount of suffering that leads a person to yell F*** you at their loved one. I believe that the person who is doing the cursing is trying to stop the unbearable pain inside them, and the only way they can do that is to fire back in the loudest most crushing way possible. This behavior immediately changes the situation and adds excitement, energy and anger. These changes then become the focus instead of exploring the original hurt that started the incident in the first place. That part gets lost in the venom.

The receiver on the other hand has options. He or she can fight fire with fire and yell back. They can walk away. They can leave.

Usually when the anger dies down, about a half an hour later, some couples can talk about the argument. Maybe there is even an apology from the person who swore. If a couple can engage like this, there is plenty of hope for the relationship.

But if two people just stay mad at each other and go days without speaking they are cementing a wall between them. The wall will probably become harder and harder, making it more difficult to dismantle, even with counseling. This state can also lead to resentment, where two people are just so tired of the other they begin to resent everything they do.

If you are in a relationship and you swear and curse at each other, try to realize your words do hurt the other. Take ownership of the harm your words create. Say you are sorry, make amends. This can be the beginning of resolution and healing for both of you.

In a relationship where couples swear at each other there is plenty of hurt. What’s missing is a chance to have your partner understand your pain and for you to understand theirs. This leads to true bonding, and that’s one thing most couples crave.

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When Your Partner Lies To You

We’ve all told lies in our lives; little ones and maybe big ones. We’ve all learned the consequences of getting caught. Many of us realize it’s better to tell the truth the first time around than worry about the lie we told and wonder if the truth will emerge eventually.

When we tell lies we hold secrets from the ones we love. We might even think we are protecting them from something that will hurt them. We figure in our mind that not telling them is probably better. Telling them would cause them pain and we don’t want to hurt them because we really care about their feelings. Or maybe we’re just afraid of what will happen to us if we tell the truth about something difficult. Maybe we’re worried that we will be in trouble and people will get angry with us.

Not telling the truth takes skill, and thought. The person telling the lie has to think about making up a story where all the pieces are plausible. They have to make sure there are no holes an insightful person could see through. It can be stressful on the lie teller. He or she also has to remember the lie, and the details, and not forget what order he or she put them in. That’s stressful too.

So that’s one side, the person telling the lie. But what about the person who is lied to? What happens there?

The one who is told the lie may feel angry, betrayed and ridicules, like they’ve been made a fool of. It can be belittling and crazy making. Some people believe that a lie, no matter how small, is a broken trust. Many people believe that trust is one of the cornerstones in a relationship and when trust is broken they are shaken to the core because what they had believed about their relationship as fundamental is now crumbling underneath them. They believed there would be truth between each other. When there is a lie, that truth becomes a joke.

So how do couples heal when there are lies that sit between them?

First, each person deserves to explain and have the other person listen to his and her feelings. It feels terrible to have been lied to. It feels terrible to hold secrets and lie to your partner. Both positions need understanding and compassion. The one who lied has to become aware of the pain he or she caused the other. That doesn’t mean you have to fall on your sword and grovel for the next year. The liars’ job is to realize that his or her actions caused pain. Once they realize this then he or she should begin to cultivate compassion for their mate by understanding the hurt they caused. An apology is part of healing, but it’s more than saying I’m sorry. Without understanding the depth of the injury; the loss of trust, the embarrassment and the anger, an apology can feel meaningless.

When the injured is heard he or she can feel validated by the partner because the partner really gets the pain he or she caused. At that time the injured person may want to try and understand what led the partner to tell the lie in the first place. They may discover that the partner was trying to protect them, only the lie turned out to be a clumsy attempt.

What can develop is true communication, connection between the couple. Lies are an indication that there’s room for improvement. In most cases when there is a lie people react by turning away from their partner. It’s natural to protect yourself when hurt. But turning toward your partner with understanding and compassion could just bring you exactly what you are after… real closeness and truth.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com