Sometimes when we fight with the person we love we might feel bad about ourselves. On other occasions we might feel angry at them. It just depends on the way we are wired.
We All Process Feeling Hurt Differently
Some of us believe others hurt us and therefore we have to react. That’s how I grew up. Others believe they are at fault for the difficulty and blame themselves or just hold things inside. This is how the other half live.
But as I explain this to you, maybe you can see that both people are trying to make sense of something that went wrong: a problem, an argument, a disagreement, or a misunderstanding. It doesn’t matter what gets in the way, we all know when it’s something that keeps us apart it feels terrible.
That’s when we can build another skill that might help us get over the hump. If you are in a relationship with someone you love, I guarantee you they do not want to hurt you.
When Hurt, We May Get Stuck in Anger
Do you want to hurt them? No, you don’t. And yet, we do hurt them and they hurt us. It is almost always not intentional, but it still hurts. So what can we do differently? We can remember something about our own self.
All of us have a great heart. Yes, I believe this to be true. You have one, your partner has one, your parents have one and you know your children have one. Unfortunately we usually don’t spend a lot of time thinking about our kindness, or our compassion or appreciation and gratitude.
No, when our feelings get hurt we either stay mad at our mate or we stay mad at ourselves.
But if we could remember that we are good people, it might make a difference. I know I am a good person. I also know that when my feelings get hurt and I get mad at my mate, I need a little time to come back to my goodness.
I usually walk around thinking how mad I am at him. But then something takes me over and I remember that I love him and I don’t want to make him my enemy and I want to be in connection.
Remembering Your Goodness Helps You Apologize and Reconnect
So then the next thought might even be, what did I do to enhance this difficulty? If I was curt, or rude, or said something that was unkind, can I apologize for this? Yes. When I remember my goodness I can always apologize.
And you know what usually happens? As soon as I enter the room where he is I hear him say, “I am sorry.” That prompts me to answer, “I am sorry too.”
Two people who sometimes get in each other’s way and find their way back. How do we do this? I think because we both want to stay connected and we find our best selves and operate from there.
Find your best self. Use all that good stuff you come to earth with, you know, your kindness, compassion and love. It always works. I promise.
Want to Improve Communication in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel closer, more connected, and more loved. Give it a read.
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