How Our Relationship Patterns Get in the Way


How relationship patterns get in the way.

Relationship patterns are behavior we fall into with those we love. Some help, some harm. Let’s examine some common relationship patterns and how they might get in our way.

All of us grow up with some ways of interacting with the world we live in. Most of us use our experiences to form patterns when we are little, and we use these patterns throughout our lives.

They often are just fine, unless we use them on our beloved and our mates don’t appreciate them. My pattern when I first met my partner in life was not helpful.

How Childhood Household Patterns Become Relationship Patterns

We form relationship patterns from our experiences, like this boy yelling to get his mother to soothe him.

I grew up in a home that included anger. When people got upset, they yelled. I learned to become a yeller. This was my pattern. But when I met my husband to be, he was not such a fan of my behavior.

He grew up in a home where they did NOT yell. So, yelling for him was troubling from the start. It took me a while, but eventually I was able to understand my feelings that led to the anger and I even began to communicate what was wrong.

This is what I am talking about. When we see how the way we grew up gets in the way of our relationship we might want to learn new skills. I used to blame my partner for making me upset. But when I got more awareness, I realized I just needed to explain to him what happened and then things could get better.

We Can Develop Better Relationship Patterns with Effort

Improving our relationship patterns requires effort, such as studying like this woman.

I was unable to learn these tools as a young person. That’s OK. I have learned them now. So, look at your world. Do you do things that brings about disruption between you and your beloved? If you blame your partner for things they do, you might be wired similar to me.

Let’s take a look at this. People don’t set out to hurt each other in a relationship. Each person just wants to love and feel connected. It really is very simple. But when partners get their feelings hurt, they resort to their old patterns and these patterns sometimes are not helpful.

Both Partners May Need to Help Form Relationship Patterns

We can shift our relationship patterns by working on them, sometimes going to therapy like this couple.

My partner kept everything inside. That wasn’t helpful to me either. So, we both had to learn what was going on in ourselves and try some new things that could help the relationship. Both of us learned new skills. I had to learn another way instead of yelling about my upset. I did this by understanding my feelings and talking calmly about what I needed.

My husband had to grow out of not saying what he was feeling. He had to find the language to let me know when he was upset. And this is the communication that most people need when in connection with another person.

Changing Relationship Patterns Begins with Self-Awareness

Changing your relationship patterns for the better really begins with self-awareness, as displayed by this woman having an epiphany.

Each of us have to learn what to say in a calm way so we can be understood when our feelings get hurt. You and I both know yelling or having a tantrum doesn’t get you what you need. It just signals you are in distress. You stay isolated and unhappy. This experience I know first-hand.

See yourself. See what you do. Consider what you can do differently. And try and remember that your partner LOVES you—even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.


Learn How to Bounce Back from Relationship Instability

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to ease the pain in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help your previously painful relationship grow into your healthiest, most satisfying one yet. Give it a read.

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