Often when people are in relationships they can’t help but see the partnership from their own perspective. We all do this in the beginning, and we ask ourselves questions. Do I like this person? Are they right for me? Am I happy? Do I love them?
Of course we come from our own mind, we don’t know them well enough to be in theirs yet. But what happens when you have been in a relationship for a while and you are still in your own mind. Well the chances are your relationship might be a push and pull.
Learning When to Meet Our Partner’s Needs Before Attending Our Own Is a Critical Relationship Skill
Sometimes you get what you want; other times, you don’t. Sometimes you’re mad at your mate; other times, you aren’t. It’s either good or it’s not good. This is how a lot of people see their lives.
But what if we can understand our other and give them what they need? What do you think that would do for the relationship? It would probably signal to your partner that they are feeling really loved by you. Sometimes we have to learn skills in order to make the relationship better, and this is one.
Your Partner May Need Some Grounding Before They Can Heal
I know that my husband has been my healer in many ways. Here’s how. Most of us bring our old wounds into our relationships. I know I did. But he didn’t treat me like my friends or family. He treated me kindly; that kindness was exactly what I needed to heal my old wounds.
When I work with couples, I often see one person really sad and unhappy while the other is cut off and isn’t feeling. This is hard for both of them. Both partners need something different, but neither knows what to do differently.
When I see this, I know the sad, upset person needs something. They need it now! But what do they need? Understanding and grounding. They don’t need to be fixed—and they really can’t be—by someone else. But they can begin their healing with you.
When we carry old wounds, they might not be easy to describe, even to our partners. They might be unknown even to us. But we have them. Our mates can see them when we have a big reaction to something. That’s likely when the old wound got triggered.
How to Ground Your Partner So They Can Heal
If your partner is new to this, they might get scared or uncomfortable. But if you’re interested in helping your mate with this, try and remember that your job is not to fix, but to stand in as a healer. It’s a calling to do something very wonderful for the person you love.
If you can just remember that pain needs soothing, even in adults. Hold their hand, then speak softly and sweetly from the heart. Tell your partner you love them and that you are not going anywhere. If done well, this will have an effect. This beautiful moment will give your beloved something they have been waiting for: a moment of calm and feeling safe. And that can lead to everything.
Need Some Help Practicing Self-Care in Relationships?
Read a Book About Relationships
Get some help with understanding and communicating your needs and limitations, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. Better understanding between partners helps self-care in relationships, by making us less likely to overextend and feel unappreciated. Want to know how? Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.