What To Do When It Feels Like Things Are Broken

Sometimes when people call to find out about couples counseling I can hear panic in their voice. I can sense a feeling of worry and fear. Something is broken and the person on the phone doesn’t know how to fix it and that’s why they are calling.

This is a terrible place to find yourself, not knowing if you can make it in your relationship, wondering if it’s broken, and daring to hope it can ever be better. All this is pressing on the individual who is making the call. It’s a helpless kind of feeling. As if all the things the person knew doesn’t amount to anything and they have to do something absolutely radically different to survive the current difficulty.

It’s a scary call to even consider. It’s an even harder call to make. And yet hundreds of people make these calls to therapists and counselors every day. They call because they are looking for help. Often they call because they fear everything they know will go away and they have one last effort to make before that happens.

What ever the reason, it’s always a good sign. People turn to others when what they know doesn’t work anymore. It’s O.K. to do this when our car breaks down, or if we need a medical check up and to get our taxes done. But when it comes to our relationships we are not taught to turn to outsiders to help get the relationships back on track. We are taught to take care of it ourselves. Maybe we are from the thinking that it’s not that bad, it could always be worse or, it will get better, eventually.

Most people feel their relationship is their business, not the business of an outsider, even a therapist. I get this. I understand this. It’s so hard to uncover all the parts that have been hidden from us, from our partner and lay them out in front of a stranger. I know. I also know it works. The process works. People get a chance, maybe for the first time in their lives to tell their entire story without someone telling them their vision is off or wrong.

That’s the beauty of counseling. It comes without judgment. Therapists are trained to help you say what will be helpful to you, understand what it is you feel and help you ask for what you need to be happy.

It’s so scary to move into this when you have relied on yourself or your partner for everything else. It’s so hard to even think that someone who doesn’t know you can actually help you make your life and relationship better.

And that’s exactly our training. That’s what therapists and counselors do. We help people feel better. It’s what I do and I love it.

Why We Suffer

Sometimes when life is too good we wonder if we really deserve it. If we are used to living a life of struggle this thought might occur to us. You probably believe that you really want to be happy, but your experiences show you that happiness is not possible; your history reveals more experiences of struggle and suffering.

The things we want most; happiness, freedom, ease, all seem to get pushed aside for the more familiar feeling of suffering. We don’t do this on purpose. We do this out of habit.

So how do we learn to accept the good in our lives? How do we find a way to just receive the happiness, freedom and ease that has eluded us all these years?

We start by noticing. Notice when you feel the good stuff. Notice when you feel the other, the struggle and the difficulty. Notice what is happening in your body. If you are in a good place chances are you are feeling light and full. If you are
suffering or in a bad place you might use words like dark or negative, or phrases like, “It feels as if I’m under a dark cloud.”

When we notice these things about ourselves we are gaining awareness. So why is awareness important? Because we ultimately want to understand ourselves so we can notice how often we go into the dark place and how seldom we allow the good place in.

Sometimes it feels like things just happen to us, and they do. But we can begin to understand how we react to things when they happen and begin to become aware of how we automatically, unconsciously play out the same old reaction.

Do we tense up when we feel threatened, angry or in danger? Do we relax when we feel safe? These are good things to learn about you. Once you understand your own reaction to situations then you can begin to explore your patterns. You might learn that you tense up when you feel unsafe and you freeze. This is good to know because when you understand your reaction you may want to try something else to see what could happen. Maybe you want to have a conversation with yourself and ask, “What am I afraid of? Is there really danger or am I just following a pattern?” If you observe there is
nothing to be afraid of maybe you can tell yourself the next time, “I am going to (take the action) because there is nothing to be afraid of.”

Many people want to make changes in their lives. They want to be happy and peaceful. The first step starts with you observing and understanding you. Once you become an expert on your patterns and reactions to life you will be able to make the right changes for you.

How do you know what the right change will be? You already know. When the right changes occur, you feel good; your body feels in alignment with the rest of you. That’s how you know you have made the right decision for you. Take a moment to understand what good feels like in your body. Then when you feel it you will know. The right answer and action will send all the right messages to your body. To know this about yourself you have to study yourself.

But isn’t that something you do already? Don’t you know more about yourself than anyone? Why not take the next step for you by taking a stand and telling yourself this, “I want to live a life free from suffering, and I’m willing to learn more about myself in order to do that.”

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

How to Stay Focused on the Good in a Relationship

When couples try and work out problems often they get derailed with the pain that sits between them and doesn’t seem to go away. It’s not that couples don’t want to get closer; it’s just that they are stymied as to how to get around the hurt. If one or both are carrying around some deep pain, how can the couple get together?

This is a situation people find themselves in, even when they are in counseling. It’s one thing to understand the pain, resolve the hurt and move on, but sometimes it’s hard to even get to that first step. So how do you keep two people, who believe they have something special between them, focused on the big picture?

I like to help couples see what’s good in their relationship; find five things that work, five things that make you feel alive, five things that you know to be true, five things that keep you in the relationship because they are good. If you can find five things that are meaningful to you chances are you are willing to continue to work on the union and you will be able to see a big picture.

So what is the big picture?

It’s the vision of what your relationship looks like when you are gazing at it through hopeful eyes. Make sure
you add your senses too. What does it feel like? Are you safe and full of love? What does it smell like? Is it full of fresh air and forest, or salt and sand from a beach? Where are you and your mate? What age are you and your partner? Maybe you want to write about this image. Perhaps you want to paint it or draw with pencils. How ever you may want to solidify your vision you should do so. This is your relationship. It can be any color you want. And your partner’s may be totally different.

Maybe that would be a good exercise too. Both of you create your image of your partnership and then share the visions with each other. You are both right. You are both creators of your happiness. See if there is agreement. See if there is connection. See if you like hers better, or his. Be open to the other’s ideas. Be grateful for their vision. Be appreciative that they see themselves with you.

Agree to work toward your collective visions. Make a pact to walk the journey together. These steps are not designed to remove all barriers. Sometimes old hurts and resentments take focused effort to remove them. Even so, in my experience, when a couple has a goal, some place to travel to together, they grow a sense of “us”; us on the road together, us building something together, us against the world together.

A sense of “us”, not two people in conflict, not two people separated by resentment, but two people undivided and together.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com