Health and Happiness Articles

Why Giving Up Control Can Help Your Relationship and Your Life

As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery.  The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship.  This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client.  Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another?  What would happen to the relationship?”  These types of questions played out in this person’s mind.  The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.

This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern.  Then during a recent session I noticed something new.  The anguish was gone.  There was no more worry from the client.  There was a greater sense of calm.

How did this happen?  The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it.  Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound.  This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change.  This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing.  This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.

This takes courage and self control.  This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur.  This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy.  I was surprised and grateful.

I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering.  The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen.  The client let go of trying to do anything.  The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen.  And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.

I often talk a lot about being present.  Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad.  Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails.  What we learn is to trust in ourselves.  We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.

This is true freedom.  This allows for real happiness.  We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome.  When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do.  And somehow that seems to be just enough.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Living With Frustration in Your Relationship

Many couples I work with come in with a good amount of stress and difficulty.  The causes sometimes vary, but the behaviors people use to respond to the upset are often predictable.  People who start out loving each other sometimes find themselves so burdened by stress and difficulty they end up feeling frustrated in the relationship.

No one starts out being frustrated.  Frustration comes after being unhappy, sometimes for a long time.  Often couples with the best intentions end up not being able to explain themselves to each other, or they won’t say what they really want to say and as a result they feel tense, stressed and often times frustrated.

Frustration can appear in many ways.  It may come out as a curt answer to a question.  Maybe it’s a rolling of the eyes, or a “whatever” response to a partner or no response at all.  Frustration can also be felt when one person ignores the other altogether.

Sometimes frustration is a slammed door, or a sigh.  It’s a sign of exasperation from the frustrated person to the other telling them something is very wrong. It also broadcasts unhappiness and discontent.  And it’s a problem.  It keeps the frustrated person trapped in difficulty and leaves the other partner in the dark regarding the source of the problem.

What would be helpful is to discover how to talk about what doesn’t feel good in the relationship.  Unfortunately this is often difficult for couples who have not communicated with each other for a while.

If you find yourself answering your mate with frustrated gestures you might want to think about what is happening to you. I am sure you did not start out being unfriendly to your beloved.  I am pretty sure you used to have very soft, loving responses in the early days.  Maybe as time passed you found yourself unable to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner without worrying how he or she might react.  It’s possible you may even have started keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not wanting to bother your mate.  But the more you kept your thoughts and feelings inside without speaking them, the more you might have felt yourself becoming stressed and uncomfortable.

This is the body’s natural response to too much tension.  This tension is a clear message about what it feels like when you can’t express yourself and you keep your feelings inside.  You might have a sensation of all your feelings being trapped inside your own body and you can’t let them out, like you are frozen.  You keep yourself suppressed and you suffer.  At first you might be able to manage your increased stress.  Maybe you exercise more or take up an activity.  Maybe you yell at the kids instead or a co-worker.  Perhaps you overindulge; too much alcohol, drugs, or food.  You do what ever you can to find ways of letting off steam and tension.

This helps you survive difficulty and maintain, but it doesn’t help repair the problems between you and your mate.  The more you figure out how to manage your challenges, the more you might be looking at your partner with distain.  You may start to believe that he or she just doesn’t care about what you think and feel. That’s when people start with the one word answers, or the disinterest, or the shaking of the head.  These behaviors tell the other person you are not interested in them.  These reactions indicate that you are unhappy.

If you are unhappy in your relationship take stock of how you are feeling right now.  Ask yourself, “Am I stressed and unable to talk to my partner about what is bothering me?”  If you answer yes start looking at the ways you do talk to your mate.  Are you short and abrasive?  Do you dismiss him or her?  Do you just not bother because you don’t think anything will change?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you just might be living with frustration.

So how do you change your situation?  You just took the first step.  You recognized it.  From here you might want to talk to someone; a friend, family member, religious mentor or counselor.  Get your long held feelings from inside yourself, outside your head by communicating them.  Try and understand what is preventing you from talking to your mate about these feelings.  Learn why you stay silent.

You will likely feel better even after just a few sessions.  You could also learn different ways to communicate your feelings that may give you confidence.  When you leave your old behaviors; the eye rolling, sarcastic responses, non answers, and replace them with true expressions of your feelings a number of things might also happen.  Your stress and tension may decrease, and it’s possible you might even begin to experience some happiness, and that might feel pretty great.

Send you comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

 

Read More

When One Partner Seems Too Needy And the Other Feels Overwhelmed

Couples, no matter how long they have been together, can find themselves in situations that feel oppressive.  Both people are looking for relief from the other person but instead of finding relief they can become frustrated.  The longer they stay locked in this system of frustration, the more they feel exhausted and drained.

Some couples stay in challenging situations with the hope that they will get better on their own.  Sometimes they do.  Many times they don’t and people go from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to becoming angry and resentful.

Once they have reached this stage they might even begin to think that the relationship is doomed, hopelessly broken and they have to break up. The relationship is broken, but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

As a couples counselor I see possibilities.  The couple may feel the system of relating can’t be changed, but I know that with awareness it could actually be softened and improved.  Unfortunately what some couples can’t seem to find though, is the idea that they could feel better.  They remember the good times when they fell in love and they just can’t fathom how they could ever get back to that place again.

When couples do come in for counseling, despite how negative they might seem about whether they could ever feel better, I know just coming in for therapy is a step toward preserving and improving the relationship.

During the first session I help the couple find their way back to something meaningful between them again. I begin by helping couples understand their current situation.  When each person can recognize how their behavior impacts the other, they get awareness of why they feel so hopeless, and maybe why their partner gets upset with them.

Once they have that awareness it’s easier to make changes in behavior, because each person gets clued in on how new or different behaviors will impact their partner, and it’s usually for the better.  Each person begins to understand that when their partner feels good, they feel good.  And that’s what everyone wants; to feel better.

Understanding the dynamics of the situation is a lot like stepping outside the system and taking a look at it.  Once observed, couples can become more energized just thinking about the possibility of the system changing with just a few alterations.  Once a couple can witness their system of failure, making any changes might even feel exhilarating.

The good news is that couples counseling works.  If two people are willing to take a step toward being happier together, counseling will work.  If people are still blaming their partner for making them feel miserable, counseling will not.  Loving your mate starts with you, not your partner.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

A New Year; Is It Time For Meaningful Changes?

We all do it, assess where we are each year and vow to improve in the coming one.  Many of us are probably having the conversation with ourselves right now. We might even be thinking about how to improve our relationships, and maybe we are thinking of how we can be a better partner to our mate. Whatever you may be considering, let’s look at the changes differently this year. Why not make 2011 your breakout year, and your best yet?

I’m talking about making meaningful changes. I want to tell you about an old friend. His name is Bill Clark and he made significant changes for himself yearly, and he started it off with a ritual. Bill took stock of his life every New Years day. He would begin the year with an early morning run. It would always be a number of miles somewhere around ten, more than he usually ran during the year. He would tell me about doing this before the day arrived, as if to make sure he would really do it. And he always did.

Now when I think about making changes, or as a couples counselor helping other people make changes, I am reminded of Bill and I’m glad. He reminds me to value a tradition, doing something with vigor because it’s important. Beginning again, no matter how big or small deserves to be celebrated. We all deserve to be celebrated. That’s what I get from Bill’s devotion to new beginnings. He would challenge himself with a physical act, but what he was giving himself was the gift of new beginnings.

For Bill, accomplishing a big endeavor was just what he needed. This was his wakeup call and a reminder to him that he had the ability to change his life. He did it with a big reminder. The rest of us can do it by just telling ourselves we want to.

You may not be a runner, and even though I put in a few miles ever week there is no way I will be running ten miles, but I may do something else. I may decide to make a statement in another way. I might make a vow to myself, and I may tell others. It could go something like this, “I plan to have a year of being more loving to_______.”  There’s something significant about saying something like this to ourselves. There is also value is saying it to others.

Maybe your relationships aren’t as great as you would like them to be. Maybe you dream of being in a more nurturing relationship with your spouse. Why not take it upon yourself and do something different for 2011. You have the power to change you. You have the ability to decide you want to treat your partner differently. You can create the environment you wish to live in. Yes, you.

Maybe your partner loves it when you make them coffee in the morning, or wash the dishes. Tell yourself this is the year I will pick something that pleases her and do it for her. Do this because it will make your partner feel good. Do this and I promise you, you will feel good too.

New Years resolutions can be difficult. Some of us have tried for years to; lose weight, get into shape, stay in touch with friends, travel, save money etc. There are lots of ways we think we can do better. I like to think of this time of year as a fresh start. Your new beginning and you can make it anything you want. It’s like we all get to begin again, if we want to. And who doesn’t want a clean slate?

If you are in a relationship with complex issues that keep you from feeling connected, just pick one thing that you can do to make something between you easier. Don’t try and fix the whole lot, that’s too much work and might require the assistance of a counselor. But you can decide not to call her that name, the one she hates, the one that makes her mad. You can decide not to use it and try to keep from using it for all of 2011. Make it a goal. Maybe it could be something like making his favorite food, on a regular basis, not because he deserves it or was nice, but because you decide this will be something you can do. He will love you in the instant you do this. You will feel good. Resign yourself to do this without prompting because it is your change for 2011.

You know your particulars in your relationship better than anyone. Look at what you can do to make your partner happy. Find one thing. Decide it will be your one thing for 2011.  Begin again, fresh start, new life; it’s all there for us. Just step into it.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Treating Overweight Couples

Overweight couples may suffer in their relationships.  If both people in a couple are overweight there may be some bonding and support from each other, and this can be nuturing.  If you stay isolated from the rest of the world this would probably be O.K.  But we all live in some sort of community and overweight people are often subjected to taunts, discrimination and rejection.  These issues can lead to feelings of low self esteem, shame and depression.

Overweight couples may also suffer from feelings of failure.  It’s likely both people have tried to lose weight in the past.  Maybe they have and recall a time when they felt good about themselves.  Now that picture, or time in the past, can become the enemy as they hold it up to themselves as a measure for their happiness. “If I could only be that size again, my life would be O.K.”  When we struggle to attain a desired weight, or look, we suffer with feelings of sadness and disappointment if we don’t succeed.  We might even get annoyed or angry at ourselves for not being able to complete a goal.

Often, eating is a way to soothe hurt feelings.  Food tastes good.  Eating feels good.  Sometimes people eat when they are sad.  People also might find themselves eating out of boredom.  Maybe you are angry.  This is another feeling that could lead to overeating.

Once you get to a point where you would like to make some changes in your life, why not consider investigating your situation from a different angle.  An important step to understanding your eating habits might begin with a therapist.  In a therapy session it’s possible to uncover deep feelings we hold about ourselves.  Often it’s these feelings tied to messages we tell ourselves that guide us to food and overeating.  Understanding how we think about ourselves is a great place to start as you travel on your road of health.

People who suffer with food issues may want to live differently.  Looking inside ones’ thoughts and feelings for answers is one way to shift a person’s thinking.  As individuals we all share the capacity for introspection.  Why not give yourself a chance for a new you?  You are worth it.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Living Isolated In Your Relationship

Sometimes couples come in for counseling because they feel they have grown apart and they just aren’t sharing with each other like they used to.  They tell me of how unhappy they feel and how they don’t know if their partnership can be saved.  Then they look to me to help them fix the relationship.

Often in the counseling process a couple may become aware of how long they have been living separate lives.  They’ve been co-existing together.  Sometimes they do this really well, and some couples are really proud that they never fight.  Even so, they come in because something is missing between them.

I listen to their stories and history and I begin to wonder when they started to leave each other.  When I say leave each other I am not talking about geography. What I am curious about is when did each person stop asking the other for what they wanted or needed to stay connected and happy in the relationship?  When did this couple begin the slide into separate lives?

The separation information is important because what ever was happening marks the beginning of when each person began to rely on themselves instead of their partner? Both people start accepting their right to get their own happiness outside the relationship.  For one person it could show up as spending more time at work.  For another it could mean travel without the mate.  Maybe it’s a connection to different groups or classes.  What ever takes you away from the other is where we start.  I am less interested in what the person was doing; I am more interested in what the person was feeling because people look outside the relationship when someone feels they are not what they need.

It usually boils down to something simple, as simple as a connection with the other.  I often hear couples say, “We just don’t communicate anymore.”

Sometimes people have hurt feelings over unresolved pain from the past.  If you are in pain in your relationship and you have more or less accepted that you have to live with it without healing, sooner or later you may seek some kind of relief outside the relationship and that could drive you away from your partner.

I like to help couples look at what happened between them, before their lives began to separate.  We examine what each felt, and learn why they reacted the way they did.  This is usually helpful and allows the couple to begin understanding each other in a new way.

When we discover what has not been resolved or attended too we can revisit old wounds and begin to heal.  Once the healing has occurred couples find that turning toward their partner for relief feels better than turning away, and that’s usually what partners are after, a chance for a deeper connection.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Why Love Isn’t Enough

When people get together they feel love; forever,
unwavering, majestic love.  It’s the kind
many of us dream about from our youth; the flowery, perfection we imagined love
to be when we were kids.

We all have some idea of what love should look and feel like.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be able to couple.  But many of us have a deeply held belief that this is all we need to sustain a relationship.  I call that an unconscious belief, developed from a child’s vision of what love is.

Nothing wrong with believing in love and it would be perfect if our partners had the same vision as ours. Then we could romp together in our fantasy of what life is supposed to be like.  But that’s not usually the case. We select people who come from different ideas and backgrounds. And it’s safe to say our partners have their ideas about what love is supposed to look and feel like too.

So where does that leave most couples?  Wishing their partners could join them in their vision and automatically understand and deliver what they need.  In many relationships people sit in the belief that if their partners truly loved them, they would be able to give them what they needed to feel great. Because there is love in the relationship that should be enough for the relationship to be the best ever… only it isn’t.

I work with a lot of couples who love each other.  But it may have been a long time since they’ve felt the closeness each other they remember.  They know it existed once, but it feels like a long time ago and they don’t know how to get it back.  While no two couples are the same, the issues they struggle with are often similar.

What’s missing from most relationships is the understanding; real understanding of what sits in the way and blocks the love, and an understanding of what is missing in each person’s life from the other. Once each person becomes aware of what stands in the way of his or her tenderness toward the other, then the couple can discover what each person wants from the other. When this is realized each person can learn how to ask the partner for what they would like, instead of hoping the partner would just deliver. 

This builds true understanding and that builds compassion and compassion may just be the adult version of the child’s idea of love.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More

Looking Underneath

There are many reasons why people seek counseling.  One of the most common is that they are unhappy in their lives.  They know something doesn’t feel right, and they long for a time, place, and feeling of something better.  They can’t really describe this place but they know they want it.

These clients I’m describing are all successful.  They’ve built something with their lives; careers, relationships, families.  They are rooted in what they do and their responsibilities. They may be proud of their accomplishments too. Yet sometimes they say they feel like a fraud because of a hollow place inside.

I know, having changed careers to become a therapist, I’ve gone through my own challenges trying to find that better, more peaceful place that many of my clients seek.  I know it’s hard to look underneath everything you have constructed and you know to be true and have lived for the last 20, 30, or 40 years.

But unhappiness is a terrific motivator.  When people are unhappy in their lives they will do what they do best, look for a way out of the unhappiness.  Often this search leads to counseling and that path leads to understanding the self.

What does the person want out of life?  What makes the person happy?  What would the person like to change?  These are simple questions.  Yet the answers are sometimes very hard to know, because most people are too busy with their lives to really look. 

So look now at your life.  Are you in a place that feels right?  Are you content?  Notice I’m not asking if you are happy.  I know that this feeling is fleeting.  It’s great to be happy.  Finding what makes you happy is what I am interested in and that journey takes practice.  It starts with you saying yes to you.

If you live in a place where you say to yourself “I should” before everything you do, I’ll bet you feel tired and overworked.  If your way of being consists of saying “no” a lot it’s possible you experience anxiety and stress.  In both these cases “self care” is probably on the back burner.  Self care; I talk about this a lot.  You may be saying to yourself “I don’t have time to be selfish.”

Sometimes we don’t know how to honor ourselves with self care.  We may be experts at helping others, and we may be accustomed to putting our needs last.  By the time we get around to taking care of ourselves we are exhausted, and we might even get mad. 

I like to help people learn to attend to their needs, wants and desires.  That doesn’t mean you have to ignore everything you already do in your life.  It just means you make you a priority to you.  You learn how to take care of yourself in a way that feels good to you.  This is where you grow, like developing a new muscle.  And you know that unhappiness I talked about earlier?  When people find a way to take care of themselves they feel less unhappiness. 

Feeling content, grounded and peaceful, I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t long for it.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Join my mailing list at www.lindanusbaum.com

 

Read More

What To Do When It Feels Like Things Are Broken

 Sometimes when people call to find out about couples counseling I can hear panic in their voice.  I can sense a feeling of worry and fear.  Something is broken and the person on the phone doesn’t know how to fix it and that’s why they are calling.

This is a terrible place to find yourself, not knowing if you can make it in your relationship, wondering if it’s broken, and daring to hope it can ever be better.  All this is pressing on the individual who is making the call.  It’s a helpless kind of feeling.  As if all the things the person knew doesn’t amount to anything and they have to do something absolutely radically different to survive the current difficulty.

It’s a scary call to even consider.  It’s an even harder call to make.  And yet hundreds of people make these calls to therapists and counselors every day.  They call because they are looking for help.  Often they call because they fear everything they know will go away and they have one last effort to make before that happens.

What ever the reason, it’s always a good sign.  People turn to others when what they know doesn’t work anymore.  It’s O.K. to do this when our car breaks down, or if we need a medical check up and to get our taxes done.  But when it comes to our relationships we are not taught to turn to outsiders to help get the relationships back on track. We are taught to take care of it ourselves.  Maybe we are from the thinking that it’s not that bad, it could always be worse or, it will get better, eventually.

Most people feel their relationship is their business, not the business of an outsider, even a therapist.  I get this.  I understand this.  It’s so hard to uncover all the parts that have been hidden from us, from our partner and lay them out in front of a stranger.  I know.  I also know it works.  The process works.  People get a chance, maybe for the first time in their lives to tell their entire story without someone telling them their vision is off or wrong. 

That’s the beauty of counseling.  It comes without judgment.  Therapists are trained to help you say what will be helpful to you, understand what it is you feel and help you ask for what you need to be happy.

It’s so scary to move into this when you have relied on yourself or your partner for everything else.  It’s so hard to even think that someone who doesn’t know you can actually help you make your life and relationship better. 

And that’s exactly our training.  That’s what therapists and counselors do. We help people feel better.  It’s what I do and I love it.

Read More

Why We Suffer

Sometimes when life is too good we wonder if we really deserve it.  If we are used to living a life of struggle this thought might occur to us. You probably believe that you really want to be happy, but your experiences show you that happiness is not possible; your history reveals more experiences of struggle and suffering.

The things we want most; happiness, freedom, ease, all seem to get pushed aside for the more familiar feeling of suffering.  We don’t do this on purpose.  We do this out of habit.

So how do we learn to accept the good in our lives?  How do we find a way to just receive the happiness, freedom and ease that has eluded us all these years?

We start by noticing. Notice when you feel the good stuff. Notice when you feel the other, the struggle and the difficulty.  Notice what is happening in your body.  If you are in a good place chances are you are feeling light and full.  If you are
suffering or in a bad place you might use words like dark or negative, or phrases like, “It feels as if I’m under a dark cloud.”

When we notice these things about ourselves we are gaining awareness.  So why is awareness important?  Because we ultimately want to understand ourselves so we can notice how often we go into the dark place and how seldom we allow the good place in.

Sometimes it feels like things just happen to us, and they do.  But we can begin to understand how we react to things when they happen and begin to become aware of how we automatically, unconsciously play out the same old reaction.

Do we tense up when we feel threatened, angry or in danger?  Do we relax when we feel safe?  These are good things to learn about you.  Once you understand your own reaction to situations then you can begin to explore your patterns.  You might learn that you tense up when you feel unsafe and you freeze.  This is good to know because when you understand your reaction you may want to try something else to see what could happen.  Maybe you want to have a conversation with yourself and ask, “What am I afraid of?  Is there really danger or am I just following a pattern?”  If you observe there is
nothing to be afraid of maybe you can tell yourself the next time, “I am going to (take the action) because there is nothing to be afraid of.”

Many people want to make changes in their lives.  They want to be happy and peaceful.  The first step starts with you observing and understanding you.  Once you become an expert on your patterns and reactions to life you will be able to make the right changes for you. 

How do you know what the right change will be?  You already know.  When the right changes occur, you feel good; your body feels in alignment with the rest of you.  That’s how you know you have made the right decision for you.  Take a moment to understand what good feels like in your body.  Then when you feel it you will know. The right answer and action will send all the right messages to your body.  To know this about yourself you have to study yourself.

But isn’t that something you do already?  Don’t you know more about yourself than anyone?  Why not take the next step for you by taking a stand and telling yourself this, “I want to live a life free from suffering, and I’m willing to learn more about myself in order to do that.”

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Read More