Couples/Relationships Articles

Relationships 101

As a couples specialist I know that every couple I counsel has a unique set of issues.  Even so, I can say with confidence that every couple has at least one thing in common:  they want to feel better in the relationship. So if two people love each other, why do they have such difficulty?

To put it simply, we don’t learn how to be in relationships when we couple, we just hope that things will work out.Couples want to be happy. They want to feel supported, understood, admired and loved.  So why do the couples I counsel all say they don’t feel that?  The reason has nothing to do with intent. I believe people who get together in relationships want to build something special together.

The problem is that people haven’t learned what qualities make a good relationship. Without knowing how to listen to each other, ask for what you need, or resolve disagreements without a fight, most couples knock into each other on a regular basis and get pretty bruised in the process. They end up angry and resentful, and/or disappointed and sad.  It’s a terrible state to live in with someone you love.

So why does this happen? We learn a lot in our life. We learn how to be a student in school. We learn as a child how to relate to our parents. We learn how to follow rules.  We learn how to exist in our world. We understand that we are entitled to a good life. We are also taught that when we meet the right person we will be happy, and everyone wants to be happy.

Here’s the problem, and it usually starts when we are young. Some of us see dysfunction in the families we grew up in and we make a vow to ourselves that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We have good intentions to live better, more peacefully. But all the intentions in the world can not teach us how to be in a relationship. These are not skills you can learn in one class.  No one learns new behaviors in a day. It takes time to understand how to be a good partner and it takes practice to become one.

A good place to start is by answering the following questions. How do you speak to your partner?  Are you kind and loving?  Are you curt and angry? Do you resent your mate and show it by rolling your eyes and shrugging your shoulders? This is the first thing to notice. This is step one in Relationship 101. Be nice to your partner, period. You may be mad about something and want something resolved with him or her. This is a different matter. The first step to being in a good relationship is treating your partner with love, and that means speaking with kindness, all the time.

Step two involves learning how to resolve difficulties before they become fights. Maybe your parents modeled good resolution skills and you do this automatically. When issues arise you speak about them with your mate. You tell your side, you listen to your partner, you discuss the matter and you come to an understanding. Unless you learned how to do this as a child growing up, you probably exhibit very different behaviors when you get upset.  Maybe you yell. Maybe you get quiet and sulk. Maybe you leave the room. If you do any of these, you could benefit from learning how to resolve issues more effectively.

Step three is about asking for what you need.  Something happens to us when we fall in love.  There’s this little, secret place where we feel really vulnerable and we believe our partner knows us so well that they will take care of all our needs, wants and desires that are kept hidden there.  Of course they will, we tell ourselves; they know us intimately, they love us, they would never do anything to hurt us. This is a wonderful belief. Many people feel this way without being aware of it.  Most people don’t talk about this with their partner. But that doesn’t prevent them from believing it and expecting their mate to solve all their problems and make life wonderful.

But this is a fantasy. People, even people who love us, don’t automatically know what we need deep down inside our soul. No one will ever know this unless you tell them. This may be one of the most difficult parts of learning how to be happy in a relationship. You must learn what you need, want and desire, and you must be able to ask your partner for it. No one can read your mind, even someone who loves you.

In couples counseling I help people understand the state of their relationship.  Then we begin to implement new behaviors, paving the way for something better.  This is one way to improve a relationship, and isn’t that what you want, too?

©Copyright 2010 by Linda Nusbaum, M.A., M.F.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. This article was solely written and edited by the author named above.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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How Problems Begin in a Relationship

As a couples counselor I’m sometimes asked if there are common themes among the couples I treat.  I usually answer this question with a no because I believe every individual is unique, and that difference contributes to the special qualities of each couple.  No two couples are the same.

But lately I’ve begun to realize that couples with difficulties do share a common theme.  They all experience some sort of misunderstanding.  When people don’t feel understood they can feel left out.  Sometimes they get angry or experience isolation from their partner.  And if these misunderstandings just get swept under the rug without receiving appropriate attention, a couple may be headed toward difficulty.  Unresolved misunderstandings are the beginning signs that a relationship could use some help.

You might be saying to yourself, it can’t be that simple.  Misunderstandings can’t be the culprit alone, right?  You are right, it’s not just the misunderstandings, it’s what follows.  When one person feels like the other person did not understand or “get” them, they feel like they were not seen by their mate.  They feel like their partner who is supposed to know them doesn’t understand them.  This is the beginning of feeling misunderstood by the person who is your partner.  If the one who feels misunderstood continues to try and explain and this still doesn’t work, hurt feelings may result.  If those hurt feelings don’t get attention and understanding, they can build into something harder, like anger or resentment.

Feeling understood by your partner is not only essential for your relationship, it’s necessary for you as a person to feel good in the world.  Humans are hardwired to connect to other humans.  When we reach out and we can’t get that connection we feel let down, and sad.  This can even lead to withdrawal.

Maybe you’ve noticed your partner withdrawing after a disagreement.  He or she may be feeling misunderstood, and that can lead to feelings of loneliness and a belief that you are unlovable.  Not every disagreement will evoke these emotions, but chances are if you and your partner spend a lot of time misunderstanding each other it’s likely both of you feel pretty lousy about yourself and your relationship.   You might even feel angry at your mate because you believe he or she is supposed to “get” you no matter what.  And if your partner doesn’t get you, you might tell yourself it’s because they are just too stubborn to care.  Those thoughts lead to even more separation between two people.

Sometimes in relationships when couples aren’t getting what they need from their partners they can start to blame the other.  “It’s his fault.”  “It’s her fault.”  “He makes me feel…”  “She always complains that I…”  What drives the complaint is how we feel.  If those feelings had words they might sound like, “I’m unhappy here.  I wish you could just understand me.”

Some couples go years without ever feeling understood by their partner.  If this is your life it may mean you are essentially living alone inside yourself, without having an ally or best friend to share your thoughts and feelings with.  Imagine a relationship where you always feel understood, and you could share your thoughts and feelings with your best friend who wanted to share them. Now that makes a great relationship.  I believe everyone can learn new skills to communicate with their partner.  Like learning how to listen to the other person and how to ask for what you need, essential tools to avoid misunderstandings.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking.  We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say.  This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject.  Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue.  We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them.  We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks.  Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?”  Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought.  This is usually eye opening for the couple.  When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t.  We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment.  We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask.  And guess what happens if we do?  When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us.  When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too.  But starting with not assuming is the first step.  It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say).  But I realize that I am assuming I know.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to listen to what you think.  I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

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Why Love Isn’t Enough

When people get together they feel love; forever,
unwavering, majestic love.  It’s the kind
many of us dream about from our youth; the flowery, perfection we imagined love
to be when we were kids.

We all have some idea of what love should look and feel like.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be able to couple.  But many of us have a deeply held belief that this is all we need to sustain a relationship.  I call that an unconscious belief, developed from a child’s vision of what love is.

Nothing wrong with believing in love and it would be perfect if our partners had the same vision as ours. Then we could romp together in our fantasy of what life is supposed to be like.  But that’s not usually the case. We select people who come from different ideas and backgrounds. And it’s safe to say our partners have their ideas about what love is supposed to look and feel like too.

So where does that leave most couples?  Wishing their partners could join them in their vision and automatically understand and deliver what they need.  In many relationships people sit in the belief that if their partners truly loved them, they would be able to give them what they needed to feel great. Because there is love in the relationship that should be enough for the relationship to be the best ever… only it isn’t.

I work with a lot of couples who love each other.  But it may have been a long time since they’ve felt the closeness each other they remember.  They know it existed once, but it feels like a long time ago and they don’t know how to get it back.  While no two couples are the same, the issues they struggle with are often similar.

What’s missing from most relationships is the understanding; real understanding of what sits in the way and blocks the love, and an understanding of what is missing in each person’s life from the other. Once each person becomes aware of what stands in the way of his or her tenderness toward the other, then the couple can discover what each person wants from the other. When this is realized each person can learn how to ask the partner for what they would like, instead of hoping the partner would just deliver. 

This builds true understanding and that builds compassion and compassion may just be the adult version of the child’s idea of love.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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When Couples Stop Communicating

Some people stay in their relationships even when they feel distant from their partner.  I’ve seen couples spend decades with a person they don’t really know, or think about.  They just find a way to exist inside the relationship.  It’s like they
live alone, even though they are a couple.

People who find themselves in this type of situation might wonder if their life is happy enough.  They might quietly ask themselves if they could have a better life by making some changes. Maybe they resign themselves and just accept their circumstances.

I’ve worked with couples who have been together for decades.  They tell me they don’t want to end their marriage.  They tell me they love the other person. What I often see are two people who believe they know each other so well they don’t even see the other person anymore.  They’ve become people who can answer the other’s sentences. They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it.  The curiosity and wonder about their mate has vanished.

They come to counseling to get “better”.  They want what they used to have; closeness, laughter, possibilities.  They want me to help them find it again, as if it’s just hidden somewhere and I can use my therapeutic x-ray vision to spot it.  I wish it was this easy.  I wish I could just help couples feel good about being in their relationship again. 

But I know it’s not that simple.  I do have good vision, and I can probably help couples see what happened to their relationship and why they feel the way they do.  This is often helpful, but it’s just the beginning.  The real work comes
when each person wants to have a better relationship and isn’t expecting the other to make it better for them.

If one or both people in the relationship are waiting for the other to change, that relationship is going to stay the same. It isn’t up to one person to make it different for the other. A relationship improves when both people look at themselves.
When each person starts to see how they talk, and react to the other person, then there’s a good chance for change. 

In counseling each person begins to understand what he or she is about.  They learn what they have wanted and needed from the other person and they acquire the skills to ask for it.  If a couple wants to save a relationship it’s likely both want to see their partner happy. If this is your situation why not try counseling, dig in and fight for what you really want; love, closeness, understanding, kindness, support.

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When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument.  They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other.  These patterns cement over time.  When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard.  Sometimes it’s really harsh.  And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this.  “You blank, blank, blank.  You make me so blank mad.  I hate you.  I wish you were dead.  I wish we never met.”  Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time.  Maybe this is your pattern.  What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over. 

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate.  You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior.  Most people I meet are embarrassed about it.  Why embarrassment?  Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong. 

No one wins when someone yells.  Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently.  They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope.  It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other.  They came to therapy a few times.  But I never got the sense that they were really in it. 

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things.  If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home.  It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can.  Each couple knows what they can handle.  I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships.  I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer.  The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

Send me your comments at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Top Five Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Most people know what doesn’t work in a relationship. If you thought about it, you could probably come up with your own list and it might include; yelling, blaming, criticizing, and ignoring each other. I think we can all agree that any physical violence would definitely be a relationship killer too.

People know inside themselves what doesn’t work in a relationship. You can feel it. I think we all know whether our relationship is in a good place or not.

Relationship experts know there are certain behaviors that get in the way of good communication and trust.  These behaviors, over time, will corrode the quality and strength of the bond between two people.  Sometimes the thread between a couple has deteriorated over time and it’s just too hard to repair.

But for many relationships, repairing and strengthening is exactly what is needed.

So first, here are The Five Top Relationship Killers, according to John Gottman, PhD. The worst things you can do in a relationship are the following:

  1. Criticize – We all do it, and it hurts.  Just imagine what it feels like when someone criticizes you.  It feels terrible.  You might even feel bad, like you’ve done something wrong.  This is a top relationship killer.
  1. Contempt – If you’ve ever felt this you will not forget it.  It feels as if the one you love hates you.  If you have felt it toward your partner, they have felt your hate.  It hurts deeply.
  1. Defensiveness – It’s not uncommon to defend yourself against unkind words or accusations.  It’s something many of us do to protect ourselves.  But if we go immediately to a defensive posture every time we feel threatened there is little room for true communication.  The relationship loses.
  1. Stonewalling – Not communicating is a posture many of us find ourselves in also.  In this position we just don’t talk.  We keep our feelings stuffed inside ourselves and we don’t communicate them to our partner.  We just block them out and go about our business… alone.
  1. Blame – Sometimes when we accuse the other of something we might initially feel better, but blaming the other for things they did or did not do is a sure fire way of starting something even bigger between the two of you, and that may be really unpleasant.

If you are in a relationship chances are you may dip into the above positions.  That’s pretty normal.  If you live in them you probably are feeling pretty lousy about your relationship and could be helped by couples counseling.

For a quick guide to help couples get closer let’s explore the word “attune” which means “to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship”.

Spelled out, here is your guide for closeness and understanding:

ATTUNE

A = Become aware of what you are feeling, especially if it is negative – This means you just look at what’s happening to you, that’s all, just get an idea of what you bring to the table.

T= Turn toward you partner, even if you are angry, don’t turn away and go upstairs and slam the door.  Even when you are feeling your worst, turn toward you partner, don’t shut him or her out.

T= Remember to be Tolerant; there are at least two different opinions here, yours and your partner’s.  Each of you is right. Take a step back to realize that both of you are here, not just you.

U= Understand where you partner is coming from.  This part is hard if you are still wanting to get some relief from your partner because you got your feelings hurt or something, but it’s important to understand that each of you come from some place different and they are both valid.

N= Non-reactive responding.  Don’t get upset when you talk.  This is a hard one too because if you are still angry you may not be able to be calm and understanding and be able to listen without reacting.  But if you can do it you are on your way to healing and connection.

E= Empathy, feeling your partners pain and other feelings.  This is a wonderful place for a couple to be in.  This is where you feel safe and you can say anything because you know your partner will listen and love you no matter what.  This is the place where you feel accepted.  When couples can get here, they pretty much can figure out the rest.

To improve our relationships, like anything else in life, it takes practice. It’s O.K. to try something new, especially when you realize the two of you could become happier.

Let me know what you think.  Send me your comments.  Let’s talk about it.


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Research shows it’s not the fight that hurts the relationship…It’s how you fight that determines lasting effects

According to The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010, in an article that ponders the question, “Is marriage good for your health?” surprising studies show that people who fight are not in danger.  The research shows it’s not the fight that determines whether the marriage is good for you and your partner. It doesn’t matter how difficult the argument or how angry the fight, what matters is whether the people fighting stay connected.  That’s right, you have to tell you partner right in the middle of a fight that you still love them.  You have to find a way to grab their hand or call him or her a pet name, and you have to do this right in the middle of the argument or fight.

If you can do this you will have a happy heart and not suffer from stress.  When we argue without connection to our partner we put stress on our hearts and other parts of our body.  We get all keyed up and mad, sometimes we even get hateful.  The key, according to research, is to find a way to make a connection with the person we are fighting with, during the argument. 

Usually couples will have it out with each other and then they’ll have to wait until all the energy inside them dies down so they can talk to each other again, talk about what happened and start some sort of repair process to reconnect.  Research shows  us that if you can find a way to get out of the anger for just a second and make an overture to your partner, a small gesture or a couple of loving words are all that’s needed, you will keep yourself from getting into that mad zone that takes so long to come back from.

Going there, the mad place, and staying there, is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body.  Your body is now dealing with enormous amounts of energy.  It’s all stored up inside each of you and it has to go somewhere.  Maybe some of it get’s released through loud words said to each other, but chances are if you are yelling at the other person you are pretty amped up and those feelings are going to take some time to dissipate.  It’s this period that has the most negative impact on your body; elevated stress hormones, elevated risk of diabetes, elevated risk of heart disease, immune system weakens, increased risk of depression, nasty stuff to keep inside yourself.

Why not think of this now, before the next blow up. Talk with your partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and discuss the damage you each are doing to yourselves when you get in prolonged arguments.  Gain an understanding of the toxicity that fighting without connecting can produce.

Maybe you can come up with your special way of connecting before the argument begins.  Why not create a safe word or a funny phrase, a physical gesture or make a silly face.  Anything will work, as long as it brings the two of you close.  The idea isn’t to end the argument or fight.  The technique is designed to give the two of you a place away from the war zone.  It doesn’t even have to last a long time.  It just has to last a moment.  If you can do this the research says you will be served by your relationship, instead of it feeling like a weight.

Send your comments to Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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