Communication Articles

He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her.  She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything.  It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat.  I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate.  The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other.  It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex.  This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does.  I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported.  It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution.  We talk to others.  This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads.  They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.”  This is a natural fit for most men.  That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her.  This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties.  But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging.  That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation.  You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa.  You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something.  This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live.  Someone has to make a move to become unstuck.  Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better.  If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate.  Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood.  Why not just ask them?  You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular.  This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good.  Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship.  Knowing what makes your partner happy.  If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life.  And that’s what all couples want.

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We Have Communication Problems. How Do We Fix Them?

When couples begin counseling one of the most common difficulties I hear couples talk about has to do with communication.  I often hear one or both say this, “We just don’t know how to communicate.  That’s why we are here.”

Chances are people in this situation feel a lack of intimacy.  If you feel empty in your relationship and when you try and get your needs met you run into resistance from your mate, you could surmise that you and your partner are having communication problems.  Many couples then think if they could just learn how to “communicate” the relationship would be improved.

When I hear this I wonder if the word “communicate” is really code for he or she doesn’t listen to me, or he or she doesn’t understand me or even he or she doesn’t love me because if they did, they would do what I needed and I wouldn’t feel this way.

When people summarize their marriage or relationship strife as communication problems I know as a couples counselor that I am just scratching the surface of what is not working between the two.  What I know is that it’s not just a matter of learning different words to fix the communication problem, it’s a matter of understanding what one is feeling and being able to convey it accurately so the partner can understand.  I know that fixing a communication problem means getting two people on to the same page by helping the couple learn to be available for each other and that usually means helping people develop their listening skills as well.

When we grow up we learn how to do a lot of things.  We learn how to listen to our parents or tune them out.  We might learn how to get attention by being a helper in the house or becoming a good student to receive praise.  Maybe we acted out to get noticed.  What ever pattern we learned as a kid we probably still use as an adult.  And why wouldn’t we.  We would have no reason to change if we are not in relationship.  But being with another person we are in such close contact the ways of getting ourselves noticed just might not work anymore.  This is no one’s fault.  Every one receives training when young and does the best they can when they couple.

But while being dutiful or acting out might have been successful strategies before we were a couple, they just don’t seem to work when we get close to another person in an adult relationship or marriage.  This business of not communicating comes in when two people want to be together but they get so frustrated trying to get their needs met and they just can’t seem to understand why it’s so challenging to make themselves heard by the other person.

There is a distinct difference between being an independent person in the relationship and being part of a couple.  That doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, it just means you become aware of your partner and his or her needs as well as your own and you are conscious of this at the same time.  That may sound like a lot of juggling, but trust me, that’s when a relationship gets really good.  When you notice what you need, are aware of what your partner needs and everyone get’s what they need you are living in a place of peace and happiness.  No more communication problems, both of you just taking care of the other, seamlessly.  Now that’s true communication.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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But I’m Right! Why Can’t My Partner See That?

I really empathize with couples that begin a session with one person telling me something like this, “Why doesn’t my partner realize I am right?” Immediately I know that the pair sitting in front of me is in despair. I know that to live in a relationship where one person professes to have the right in the relationship while seeing the other as wrong puts both at a disadvantage. I know that both people may be feeling exhausted and sad.

Unfortunately this pattern often repeats itself; arguments unfold where one person insists he/she is right while the other feels inadequate or blamed. This person may feel right too, but it’s likely he/she has given up trying to have his/her voice heard and might be depressed. And it’s not uncommon for two people to point the finger at one another and say he, or she is to blame. In this scenario both people have to be right and everyone loses.

It may be the way we were raised, where blame had to be affixed to a problem. If this is what we experienced as a young person we might bring this aspect of how to relate to others into our own adult relationship. When there is a problem, look for the culprit. Identify the culprit, get the culprit to accept responsibility and force them to agree to learn from the mistake and not make it again.

Some people parent or train people this way. It’s designed to help people become accountable for their actions. This method has a place, but I believe it blows up the idea of mutual respect in a relationship if you use it with your mate. It allows one person to be in the position of knowing, while the other person is placed in the position of being taught. These positions are not equal and they make one or both people feel pretty unsatisfied.

The one who needs to be right can’t get relief because the other won’t listen. The one who is being told they are wrong resists because no one wants to feel blamed or bad. This kind of pattern usually leaves couples in a stalemate. Both want something from the other person. Both are not sure how to get it. It’s possible that the one who has to be right just wants to be listened too. It’s also possible that the one who is being blamed just wants to feel valued, and not persecuted.

Couples with this pattern may grow exhausted with each other. It takes a lot of energy defending your position all the time. It also takes a lot of energy tuning out your mate. Why not discover a way to use that energy in a more productive way; getting your needs met so you feel better?

When I work with couples with this type of interaction, I like to begin the process of helping each person understand his or her behaviors. The beginning part of dismantling this kind of system is understanding how we interact with our mate. Partners begin to get an idea of how they communicate with each other. This then leads to awareness of how the communication impacts the partner.

Helping couples understand the weight of their words is some of the early work. Also important is figuring out what each person needs. It’s possible that the person who has to be right just wants to feel valued and important. The more she stresses that she is right the harder she tries to feel valued and important.

The one who is being blamed could also benefit from becoming aware of how he responds. Maybe he tunes out his partner when he hears her insist she is right. Maybe he rolls his eyes or just shakes his head. What ever he is doing is important to look at during a counseling session. Understanding that his reaction has an impact on her is also important. And what are his needs that aren’t being met? Maybe he wants to feel valued too. Maybe he wants to have his voice heard as well.

In my experience that’s usually what two people in a relationship want: to be heard, to feel listened to, and acceptance. When these basic needs are fulfilled, couples flourish. They can even begin to experience a deeper connection with each other, one that may include making the other person happy, and when couples reach that level both people feel they are in a relationship worth having.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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How to Talk to Our Partner So They Can Hear Us

One of the most common difficulties I see couples struggle with is miscommunication.  Each person has something he or she wants to say to the other.  They do their best to get their points across, but they never quite feel heard, and therefore they can’t get relief.   This is frustrating for both.

So why does this happen?  It may be because of how it’s presented. It might seem as if you are saying everything in a way your partner can hear it, but chances are you may be using words that make the listener feel like he or she is under attack or being blamed.

The partner can’t respond except to defend him or herself.  That can lead to an argument and then everyone feels bad.  Both people end up exhausted and spent, and the last thing they want to do is talk to each other.

So instead of miss-communicating, how about learning to re-communicate?

Sometimes in sessions I teach couples how to talk to their partners.  I know this may sound silly and possibly juvenile, but with just a few word changes people can really learn to express themselves, say everything they need, have their partner hear them, understand them and even feel compassion for them.

So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts.

DONT’S

Anything that starts with:        

I don’t want

I won’t do

I’m not going to

I can’t because

I refuse to

Anything that starts with: 

You need to

You should do

You can’t do

You must do

You aren’t going to

Anything that starts with:

We need to

We should do

We have to

Sentences that start with:

It can’t be

Don’t do this

Don’t say that

 

DO’S

 Any statements that start with:

I would like it if you would

I want to have you

I am happy when you

I am hopeful that you

I desire that you

I wish that we could

I am happy when

Any questions that start with:

Would you be willing

Are you open to

Would you like to

Can you join me in

Is it possible

Are you interested in

Would you enjoy

With the Don’ts, you can feel the blame or attack.  It’s as if the speaker is already mad.  The Do’s have no blame or attack.  They are coming from a place of wanting instead of already being unhappy.

Practice this with you partner.  Think of a topic you would like to discuss and try it out using the Don’ts.  See how it feels.  Try it on each other.  Now try the Do’s.  Use the same topic.  Just see if you feel different when you use the Do phrases.  You might feel open, less threatened.

When we are open we have a chance for true communication.  That’s when we feel safe enough to lay down our defenses.  That’s when we can have a true exchange with our partner.  We might even learn something new about our mate; we might even be able to get our point across.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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When You Stay Mad at Your Partner

Getting into disagreements with our mate is not only part of being in a relationship; it’s also a part of life.  Staying mad at your partner because you haven’t resolved issues is also pretty common, only this condition takes a toll on everyone.  Do you stay mad at your partner?

If you are holding a grudge against him or her you are not alone.  As a couples counselor I see couples in all stages of the relationship.  Sometimes they come in and they are really mad at the other person.  Sometimes it’s one person who does the yelling or scolding while the other just smolders and steams.

Both are not resolving their issues with the other and both end up suffering as a result.  The one who gets angry and yells releases energy, but having to scream at your mate to make a point doesn’t do much for your body.  You get all filled with rage and this puts stress on too many organs to mention.  If you are the one who holds everything in take the next moment to realize what you are doing to your body.  That’s right; all your rage is held inside, and your organs aren’t very happy either.

Both of you are suffering. Your bodies are in a constant state of battle readiness, waiting for the next round.  We haven’t even talked about what happens to your feelings yet either.  They get worked out too.  When you feel terrible about your relationship you might tell yourself things like, “I have to get out of here,” or  “I would be so much happier if he or she would only do…”  In other words, you might spend a lot of time talking to yourself under your breath about what your partner isn’t doing and how much you resent where you are.  This is a difficult place to live, and some couples I counsel spend their lives right here.

If I meet a couple in this state the first thing I like to do is listen.  I am not interested in any particular argument, not yet anyway.  What I want to do is hear from each person separately.  I want to know from each person how they see what is wrong.  This is an important step for me and the relationship.  I get to hear what each person thinks, feels and needs.  I also get to understand what each person feels is missing. This is not only a benefit for me as their counselor; it can also be a heavy dose of awareness as each partner listens to their mate.

Often this is a new experience for the couple and it can be an eye opening one.  In their usual way of relating, one person says his or her piece and the other will counter with what he or she needs.  No one is doing any listening.  Both are just trying to be heard by the other and no one is hearing anybody.

That’s why counseling works.  Each person gets to have their say.  Partners begin to understand their mates.  People develop ways of allowing each other to have differences.  Both people begin to get what they want in the relationship; love, support, and respect.  It may feel like there’s a big gap from where you are now and where you would like to be.  Sometimes it takes just a few steps to feel better.  And that’s what people who live angry at their mate are after isn’t it, to feel better?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Always Mad at Your Mate

One tip off that you are perpetually mad at your partner is how you feel when you are about to see them.  Does the thought of being with him or her excite you?  If so, this is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship.  But if the idea of spending time with your mate drives you up a wall, or even makes you tense up, you may want to take a closer look at your partnership.

If you get stressed out while driving home, or if you get stressed out when your loved one is about to return home, you may find yourself living in various stages of distress. This distress can cause chronic stress and anguish.  Maybe you tense up, trying to gage what kind of mood your mate is in.  Maybe you can’t relax until you hear them greet you so you’ll know how to react.  These states cause anxiety, and that condition is hard on any body.

If you live like you walk on egg shells, maybe it’s time to examine your partnership.  Most relationships start off in a good state, as if being there is the best place in the world.  People can’t wait to see the other because they feel so good being around each other. It’s the best time in a relationship; everything is right with the world and the couple is happy.

So what happened to the happy couple? Now they hunker down in their respective positions, waiting to witness and react to the oncoming daily drama.  This is a situation many couples find themselves immersed in.  No one feels good when locked in this routine.   When the situation gets bad enough, some couples seek professional help.

As a counselor I work with many couples in this predicament.  They tell me their stories about how terrible the other person has been.  Both feel empty and wronged by their partner.  Sometimes there’s bitterness, sometimes resentment, in each case there’s loss; loss of what was, that perfect relationship where you both felt terrific.

Couples feel terrible in this state.  As a therapist I am grateful for anything that would bring a couple in for counseling.  I know that what ever feels like a break, is really an opportunity in disguise.  A rupture in a relationship often leaves people feeling vulnerable and at risk.  I see it as fertile ground for growing in new ways with each other.  For me, it’s all about what comes after, helping the couple understand what needs healing and repairing.  That’s when couples learn new bonding skills; how to listen, and how to ask for what each person needs from the other.  Couples learn how to feel connected again.  It’s a way back, a way back to what was good in the first place, a way to remember without all the heartache, another chance to get it right.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Living Isolated In Your Relationship

Sometimes couples come in for counseling because they feel they have grown apart and they just aren’t sharing with each other like they used to.  They tell me of how unhappy they feel and how they don’t know if their partnership can be saved.  Then they look to me to help them fix the relationship.

Often in the counseling process a couple may become aware of how long they have been living separate lives.  They’ve been co-existing together.  Sometimes they do this really well, and some couples are really proud that they never fight.  Even so, they come in because something is missing between them.

I listen to their stories and history and I begin to wonder when they started to leave each other.  When I say leave each other I am not talking about geography. What I am curious about is when did each person stop asking the other for what they wanted or needed to stay connected and happy in the relationship?  When did this couple begin the slide into separate lives?

The separation information is important because what ever was happening marks the beginning of when each person began to rely on themselves instead of their partner? Both people start accepting their right to get their own happiness outside the relationship.  For one person it could show up as spending more time at work.  For another it could mean travel without the mate.  Maybe it’s a connection to different groups or classes.  What ever takes you away from the other is where we start.  I am less interested in what the person was doing; I am more interested in what the person was feeling because people look outside the relationship when someone feels they are not what they need.

It usually boils down to something simple, as simple as a connection with the other.  I often hear couples say, “We just don’t communicate anymore.”

Sometimes people have hurt feelings over unresolved pain from the past.  If you are in pain in your relationship and you have more or less accepted that you have to live with it without healing, sooner or later you may seek some kind of relief outside the relationship and that could drive you away from your partner.

I like to help couples look at what happened between them, before their lives began to separate.  We examine what each felt, and learn why they reacted the way they did.  This is usually helpful and allows the couple to begin understanding each other in a new way.

When we discover what has not been resolved or attended too we can revisit old wounds and begin to heal.  Once the healing has occurred couples find that turning toward their partner for relief feels better than turning away, and that’s usually what partners are after, a chance for a deeper connection.

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Assuming We Know What Our Partner Thinks

If we are in relationship with another person we are probably guilty of doing this; assuming we know what the other is thinking.  We might even go further and tell ourselves that we even know what they will say.  This is surprisingly common when two people know each other well.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking we know what the other person is thinking, but when we do this we prevent any real communication about the subject.  Since we are already telling ourselves what he or she thinks and what they will probably say, we are limiting any possible dialogue.  We might even start to react to the imagined scenario in our head which could lead to feelings of frustration or anger at the individual without ever having a conversation with them.  We’ve had a conversation though, only it’s been inside our head and we’ve been communicating with ourselves all alone.

What’s missing is a chance to find out what our partner really thinks.  Sometimes during a counseling session one person will say, “I know what she will say, it will be… (Fill in the blank).” I stop them right there and ask, “How do you know they will say that? Have you asked her?”  Usually they tell me it’s because that’s what they have said in the past. And I reply, “Ask her right now.”

Almost every time the person who is asked will respond different than what was thought.  This is usually eye opening for the couple.  When we are in a relationship we think we know our partners as well as they know themselves, only we really don’t.  We have no idea how the other person is perceiving, processing and thinking at that very moment.  We can assume, based on past behavior that the answer might be a particular thing, but we have no real information about current thoughts.

We all have the capacity to ask.  And guess what happens if we do?  When we ask our partner without any preconceived notion we might get a novel response, one that could even surprise us.  When couples enter into a phase of not assuming they know what the other person is thinking and what they will be saying, honest communication can develop.

Of course there might be some repair work for the couple to help bridge old hurt feelings left over from earlier times. This is possible too.  But starting with not assuming is the first step.  It might even begin with a confession that could sound like this, “I used to think if I bring up (name a subject) you will say (whatever you think they will say).  But I realize that I am assuming I know.  I don’t want to do that.  I want to listen to what you think.  I promise not to interrupt and just hear your thoughts.”

I assure you, and this is no assumption, your partner will love the way this feels and so will you.

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When Our Partners Can’t Listen

Most of the time when two people in a relationship feel unhappy part of the problem is that they don’t feel heard by their partner.  When we feel heard and understood we often feel validated and our problems seem to dissolve and we feel better.  If our partner can’t hear what’s troubling us or what we need we feel alone and isolated.

So if it’s that simple, why is it so hard for couples to do it?  Most of the couples I work with want to have a better relationship.  They come to counseling because they want to feel close and connected again.  Both people are usually pretty earnest about their intent.  They see what they want to have, but they are usually stumped on how to achieve it.

Sometimes they blame the other person because they think if their partner really loved them they would know how to make them happy.  Unfortunately many couples aren’t talking about what they want and need from their partner and that makes it difficult for the partner to know what to do.

Here’s what I see when couples can’t hear each other.  One person says how they feel about something, or some incident.  The person talking feels bad about what happened.  What they want is for their partner to understand their pain.  They want an audience from the person who knows them the best.  They want to feel like their partner gets what happened to them.  They might even want the partner to apologize. This means that the listener is not thinking about how guilty they feel for causing the pain.  This means that the listener is also not thinking of ways the partner has hurt them and waiting to respond.  But that’s usually what happens.  One person talks, and the other person waits to retort and sometimes retaliate.  No one is listening.

In order to feel heard, validated and get some resolution, the teller of the pain needs to just tell it to the person that may have caused it.  That’s it, nothing more.  This is part of the healing process that couples need to repair.  One pained person talks about what happened to them.  The other person listens without going into their pain.  Unfortunately that’s the dance that most couples fall into.  One person talks and the other person tops them.  This starts a back and forth with no winner and no end.  Both parties end up feeling exasperated, frustrated, drained and alone.

I help couples learn a new way to communicate.  Both people get their say, but they have to take turns.  It really doesn’t matter who goes first, but it does matter that the listener just do the job of listening so the talker gets heard.  This does not come naturally.  Most of us aren’t taught that sharing our pain actually helps us heal.  Many of us learn that we must fight to be heard, that we have to express our pain in order to get relief.  But that style usually leaves people feeling unhappy and alone.

Once couples learn these tools of being the talker and the listener they never feel alone in the relationship again.  They might even feel terrific, realizing that their mate really cares.

 

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When Partners Swear at Each Other

Sometimes we want to make a point.  Sometimes we have to make that point so clearly we use specific words that will drive the point home.  Sometimes those words are swear words and sometimes we say them to people we love.

This is not a place that couples go willingly.  No one starts a relationship with the notion that at some point they will be swearing and cursing at their partner, and yet I work with some couples who are in this very state and dumbfounded how they got there.

So how does this happen to a couple that starts off loving each other?  In any relationship there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  These incidents are going to happen.  Sometimes one person will do something that hurts the other and vice versa, sometimes inadvertently, sometimes on purpose.

If you feel attacked by your mate, or left out by your partner you may feel deeply wounded.  Sometimes in a painful place people will lash out at the person who hurt them, often their partner.  When people are deeply wounded they have to stop the pain, and swearing at their mate let’s them know of the depth of the pain.

I know there is a tremendous amount of suffering that leads a person to yell F*** you at their loved one.  I believe that the person who is doing the cursing is trying to stop the unbearable pain inside them, and the only way they can do that is to fire back in the loudest most crushing way possible.  This behavior immediately changes the situation and adds excitement, energy and anger.  These changes then become the focus instead of exploring the original hurt that started the incident in the first place.  That part gets lost in the venom.

The receiver on the other hand has options.  He or she can fight fire with fire and yell back.  They can walk away.  They can leave.

Usually when the anger dies down, about a half an hour later, some couples can talk about the argument.  Maybe there is even an apology from the person who swore.  If a couple can engage like this, there is plenty of hope for the relationship.

But if two people just stay mad at each other and go days without speaking they are cementing a wall between them.  The wall will probably become harder and harder, making it more difficult to dismantle, even with counseling.  This state can also lead to resentment, where two people are just so tired of the other they begin to resent everything they do.

If you are in a relationship and you swear and curse at each other, try to realize your words do hurt the other.  Take ownership of the harm your words create.  Say you are sorry, make amends.  This can be the beginning of resolution and healing for both of you.

In a relationship where couples swear at each other there is plenty of hurt.  What’s missing is a chance to have your partner understand your pain and for you to understand theirs.  This leads to true bonding, and that’s one thing most couples crave.

 

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