For Those Who Can’t Say I’m Sorry

There is pain in our world. There is pain among couples who carry hurt feelings and just can’t heal them. I see this often in my work as a relationship counselor. Another thing I see is a statement from some people that goes like this, “I don’t like to apologize.”

Some are even more emphatic with, “I don’t ever say I’m sorry.” This is not uncommon for some people to think this way. Many people believe that if you apologize, you are showing a sign of weakness. Weakness is something many people believe they have to avoid at all cost.

I Am Sad and My Partner Doesn’t Even Notice

Sometimes couples can stand even the hardest things. Take two people who love each other and who have been together for a while. He is oblivious about his wife’s feelings and she is a mess. Make no mistake, they love each other and they long to be happy, but the truth is they haven’t a clue how to get there.

Being in a relationship with the person we love is one of life’s greatest joys. Many of us long for that special person who we can just feel safe and happy and at home with. Most of us don’t need a lot. Love is really simple, a good connection, care, compassion, understanding. That’s really what people want from their beloved.

My Partner Criticizes Me — Video Help for Relationship Problems

Being criticized feels really, really awful. Anyone who’s been picked apart can tell you that.

Let’s talk about why people criticize—the feelings underlying it, what they hope to achieve, and how to keep things civil and constructive.

My Partner Doesn’t Listen to Me: Relationship Help / Advice Video

Learn what to do when your partner doesn’t listen to you.

It’s common to feel like your partner doesn’t listen. We just want our boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives to understand us. We want them to hear us, know our deepest thoughts, and to love us.

Really, that’s all we want: to be loved, to be seen, to be heard.

Here’s how to realize that goal.

What Went Wrong?

I often work with couples who impress upon me how they just don’t know what went wrong in their relationship. They started out so loving and happy and then they woke up somewhere down the road, years later and they just don’t have that happy feeling anymore and they don’t know why.

They tell me it’s because they may have fallen out of love for their partner. They also tell me they are not sure if they can get “it” back.

The “it” is the feeling couples experienced when they first got together, that loving, wonderful state that makes us believe we will always feel fantastic with our person.

We sign up for the relationship and believe that we will always feel this way with the person we have chosen. Only we don’t. We start to notice things about them that we don’t’ like. They start to nag us or complain, or ignore us and we don’t like that.

These are the normal patterns that set in when a couple moves beyond the first phase of bliss. It’s what we do about these differences that determine how the relationship survives.

If we have some experience in relationships we might have some communication skills to speak about our feelings with our beloved. If we are fairly young in the relationship world we might just be beginning to discover ourselves and what we want and need for happiness, so we may not know how to communicate those things yet.

Each person brings their habits from their singlehood; how they took care of themselves, how they communicated with others, how they feed themselves and clean up after themselves. These are habits people bring into a relationship that were most likely formed in their childhood. Each person in a couple brings their own set of comforts around these issues.

When we are in a blissful state of loving our partner, no one thinks about the socks left on the floor. Such a little detail would be meaningless and laughable in this state of love. But just wait a few years after one of the partners has been picking up dirty socks for the other and is so tired of doing it they will scream if they have to pick up one more dirty sock from the floor.

Then the couple comes in to counseling and tells me they just fell out of love with their mate and they don’t know why.

It is my belief as a Marriage and Family Counselor that couples have more to become good at a lot of jobs in order to have a successful relationship.

In no particular order except that they are all equally important, each person in the relationship has to become aware of their own feelings and reactions to their mate. Each person must also become an expert in their partner’s feelings and learn how to attend them. Both people in a relationship have to be conscious of how they communicate with their beloved.

If you were talking to a hurt child you would be kind, caring and compassionate. Regardless of how mad you may get at your mate, you can not throw up your anger on them. Unless you are truly with a terrible person, it’s almost always the case that what ever the perceived hurt you may have felt, it was not done intentionally.

You picked a good person. You picked the right person. Your job is to learn how to be the best mate you can be and to take care of the person you are sharing your life with as your partner will do for you. Now that is a great relationship, where no one gets blindsided.

Listening, one of the Keys to a Good Relationship

One of the biggest issues I hear couples complain about is communication. They often tell me they “just don’t know how to communicate” with each other. I hear the desperation in their voices. I know they each have been trying to get understanding from the other person for a long time and they just haven’t been successful. Usually due to exasperation the couple comes in and informs me they just can’t communicate, and they are desperate to find help.

I know that when people categorize their issues with the word “communication”, there is likely a lot more going on then just the phrasing of words. I know that what’s missing is a very vital part of communication and one of the most basic human needs; and that’s the need to be heard.

Often times when couples begin therapy they have no problem expressing their individual points of view to me. What they have a hard time doing however, is getting their partner to actually listen to what they are saying.

When two people have been trying to get understanding from each other for a period of time without success, it’s possible they might become angry or resentful trying yet again one more time to make their point. It’s usually after years of dismissing the importance of being heard that a couple might decide to try counseling as a “last ditch effort” to fix the relationship.

And that’s when I can begin to help. It starts by giving the couple awareness. No one signs up to be mean to their partner. No one starts out being indifferent, resentful or angry toward their mate. These stances come after trying over and over to get one’s point across and failing. So the first phase of improving communication is helping each person learn how to listen.

But before anyone can develop the patience and understanding to be a good listener they must be HEARD, because that’s what has been missing in their relationship. They have not felt heard or listened to. That’s where my job begins and I provide it for each person; I listen, hear, understand, help if needed, I am available and present. This provides a release to the person expressing, and it models for the partner how to do it.

After the exercise it’s not surprising to feel a lot of tension leave the room. It’s so simple, and so important. As humans we require some basics; to feel safe, to feel loved, and to feel like we matter. When we listen to our partners, I mean really listen, we give them exactly what they need.

Be sure and watch Feel Better Live, our show about relationships, live on the web, Thursdays at 6:00PM.

When Couples Learn to Communicate

As a couples specialist I am sometimes humbled by the changes I see people make to improve their relationships. It’s not that I don’t believe it can happen; it’s just that more often than not couples stay locked in their differences and expect the other person in the relationship to make the changes.

I spend a lot of time listening to how wounded people are because of what the other person has done to them. I know it’s important for people to be heard because often they have exhausted themselves trying to tell their partner what is wrong and they just can’t get understanding. I do know that listening to each person tell me about their perceived pain caused by the other has value, at least someone is listening.

But sometimes couples, or individuals in a relationship, can stay so wounded they see their mate as the one who causes their suffering. They are so hurt from past injuries that they can not see anything but the harm caused to them.

When one or both people in the relationship stay bound up in their pain there is little I can do but listen. I can not help someone get awareness on how they treat their partner if they are still living in the mistreatment they believe they have suffered. Sometimes they are just so hurt they just see their mate as a monster.

It doesn’t matter how I encourage the couple to look at the possibilities of living happily with their chosen partner. It does little good to talk about the ingredients that make up a good relationship. If one or both people are suffering from unresolved wounds the couple can not move into a more neutral space. And yet sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.

Twice in the last two weeks, two couples I had been working with, that had deep difficulties and lots of pain, moved the relationship to the next level. I could sense it the moment they walked into the room. There was a decrease in stress and worry and sadness. I felt something else; a calm, an ease, tenderness.

So what happened? In both cases one or both changed how they treated the other. In one of the couples one of the partners was mad about past hurts and kept accusing the partner of repeating the behavior. Then in an instant after a disagreement this partner got some awareness about how they displayed harshness toward the other. They immediately called the partner and apologized, and that was a first. Both felt something new; a bit of closeness that they had been craving for years.

The other couple described an incident that they navigated without blowing up at each other. In the past this issue would have ended with arguing and swearing and disconnection. This time they walked delicately through the rough parts and stayed away from blaming the other. Both worried about hurting the others’ feelings. And that was a first for this couple too.

In both cases I was amazed and humbled by the beautiful changes I was able to witness. Are all their problems solved? Of course not. But what they discovered together is a new way of feeling, and those feelings felt good. The human spirit wants to feel good. Sometimes we just have to try something new to create something better. Trust that you can find your way. I know I do.

Send comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Taking Responsibility in the Relationship

One of the hardest things I see couples struggle with is the idea that each person in the relationship is responsible for his or her own part of the problems that surround them. It’s not uncommon for people to want to blame the other person for how they feel as if the partner did something to cause the upset. Something bad happens and people start pointing fingers at the other person.

Many couples actually live this way for a long time; looking at their partner as if he or she is the tormentor. When couples live with this pattern it keeps them feeling helpless to change anything in the relationship. Each person keeps waiting for the other person to do something different to make them feel better.

It’s as if both are waiting to feel more appreciated, valued, important to their partner and loved. But the longer they wait, the more tempting it is to blame the other person for not supplying those good feelings. Sometimes couples will even spend the next few years building cases against each other.

You know you’ve done this if you say these kinds of things to your mate, “You did this to me so I had to do this to you.” “You didn’t do this for me so I did this to you.” “If you had only done this than I wouldn’t have had to do that.” All these phrases hold the partner responsible for how you feel. They leave the person blamed feeling helpless and the accuser feeling empty, a sad place for both.

When the relationship has turned into two separate camps, I like to encourage couples to think about a couple of things. The first has to do with intent. What is the intent of your partner when he or she does something that makes you cross? Do you know? Sometimes people just assume they know what their partner intended and it’s usually not very good. I like to encourage people to find out if there is any ill will coming from the mate. To do this all a partner has to do is ask.

It could sound something like this, “Hey, when you left those dirty socks on the bed did you do that to make me mad?” I know this probably sounds silly, but chances are if you got mad because your mate left dirty socks on the bed you might want to find out if he or she did it on purpose just to piss you off. If they didn’t, don’t they deserve to forget, make a mistake or just be oblivious once in a while? Find out what they were trying to tell you, if anything, with the action before you explode.

The second thing is understand how you impact your partner. If you accuse him or her of doing something to harm you, you are blaming them for something. Ask yourself what it feels like when you get blamed. It feels terrible. Usually we get defensive and want to argue back. Try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes before you level the criticism.

If you say something you feel bad about, apologize. That’s what considerate people do. This does not make you weak. This makes you a good person. It also sends a message to your mate. It tells them, “I don’t want to stay mad at you. I want to get closer to you.”

And that’s what all couples want, closeness, connectedness, love.

Send your comments linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Always Wearing a Happy Face

Every one in a relationship wants to feel loved by their partner. To feel loved, many individuals will put on a happy face and maintain a persona that everything is fine, even when it isn’t. Often people are so good at acting like they are happy that the partner has no idea anything could be wrong.

Unfortunately, if you are projecting a happy demeanor when communicating with your partner, you may feel stuck in one place and very much alone. That’s because a lot of other feelings; sad, disappointed, mad, irritated, frustrated, fed up, discouraged, disheartened, worried, nervous, unsafe etc. NEVER GET EXPRESSED.

You may be an expert at delivering the happy feelings, but mum on anything else. If you always show a good face to your mate, how can you maintain that happy face when expressing sadness? You can’t. So, no unhappy face ever gets shown to the partner. Nope, just pretend everything is OK, always.

Oh, distressful feelings are felt, but the person experiencing them doesn’t share them, and the partner never hears them. This leads both people feeling disconnected in the relationship. He doesn’t know what’s going on with her; she doesn’t know what’s going on with him. Both feel apart from the other. The one who doesn’t share feelings might begin to think their partner just doesn’t understand them. The partner who is left in the dark might start to feel unimportant to his mate. Usually they can sense that their partner is withholding something, and they might even inquire, and it might sound something like this; “Is everything all right?” “Are you OK?” “Is anything wrong?”

The answer is probably always the same, and it’s likely that it’s a denial that sounds something like, “No, everything is fine.” Oh, there definitely is something wrong, but the person who always shows a sunny disposition hasn’t a clue on how to tell the partner what it is. Part of the reason is because he or she isn’t quite sure how to explain it. All they know is that they feel something like emptiness, or not feeling loved, or not being understood, or longing for something more. It’s usually a mixture of feelings that don’t have words attached to it. But the person feels it. It’s heavy and lives in the pit of the stomach and doesn’t go away.

This partner might even be able to talk about his or her feelings with another person. They might be able to explain these feelings in great detail. “I feel so alone.” “He or she just doesn’t understand me.” And while they come easily pouring out to someone else they can’t fathom how to share them with their partner. No, they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. They are sure they are unhappy, but they can’t figure out what to do about it.

As a couples counselor I see this situation often. Both people will eventually feel that the relationship is on the brink of breaking and then the couple will make an appointment to see someone like me. Both are stuck in some sort of misery and they are hoping I can figure it out and help get them back on track. That’s the best case scenario. Sometimes though, a couple has been feeling so distant from each other in the relationship for such a long time that one of the partners may have already moved on to another person. Therapy at this stage requires a whole different level of understanding and repair.

This is what I know about couples counseling: If a couple is willing, there’s always room to learn more about yourself and your partner in a relationship. There’s always a way to understand your own behavior and see how it affects your mate. There’s always room to try something new, to risk showing your feelings and not holding them inside. Sometimes couples are able to change how they relate to each other and improve their relationship, making it something better than either ever dreamed.

It’s possible to build something true for each of you. It’s possible to create a safe place for you both to show all your parts, not just the happy ones. This creates true depth between two people, something that all couples are looking for.

Help With Communication Issues

What Do We Do When We Don’t Speak The Same Language?

This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish. This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don’t speak the same language; they talk but they can’t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating. Both people want to get their points across but it’s so difficult many couples just stop trying.

This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come into my office for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other. They both hope that I can bridge the gap that’s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem. They’ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don’t want to hear it. In this case they often just stop talking to them. These couples are at an impasse, and that’s not uncommon either.

Each person had needs that have not been met. They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don’t know how. They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship… frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it’s not uncommon for one or the other to say, “It’s not working.” The truth is; it’s not. This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other. That’s why counseling can be helpful. As a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Long Beach, California I am able to hear what’s missing. I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life. As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals. I gather information and then I help them decode what they can’t seem to hear or understand about the other. Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other. Sometimes it sounds like, “He never listens to me,” or “She always nags me.”

These complaints are loaded with emotions. It’s not just the words I am interested in; it’s what feelings accompany the discomfort. I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention. When she says “He never listens”, I hear a longing to feel valued. When he says “She always nags”, I hear “I feel invisible.” Some of what’s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn’t feel appreciated. It’s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don’t feel your partner values or appreciates you. These are important aspects of a good partnership.

Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across. To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need. When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person – instead of just being upset because they are not getting it. No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either. Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like.

When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard. And that’s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.

Call for a free pnone consultation with Linda (562) 293-1737

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Visit her website www.lindanusbaum.com

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