Anger Articles

When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument.  They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other.  These patterns cement over time.  When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard.  Sometimes it’s really harsh.  And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this.  “You blank, blank, blank.  You make me so blank mad.  I hate you.  I wish you were dead.  I wish we never met.”  Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time.  Maybe this is your pattern.  What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over. 

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate.  You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior.  Most people I meet are embarrassed about it.  Why embarrassment?  Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong. 

No one wins when someone yells.  Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently.  They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope.  It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other.  They came to therapy a few times.  But I never got the sense that they were really in it. 

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things.  If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home.  It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can.  Each couple knows what they can handle.  I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships.  I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer.  The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

Send me your comments at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Are You Angry at Your Mate?

A lot of couples I work with are angry at their partner.  Sometimes this anger has been building for a long time.  When the couple finally gets into therapy they are so ready to explode and sometimes they just unleash on each other. 

When this happens while I watch the fight I already know a couple of things.  The first is that both are in a lot of pain.  The second is that neither is getting their needs met and the louder and longer the argument, the greater the chance each person is feeling isolated in the relationship.  When couples spend their time in a back and forth disagreeing state, that tells me they are spending less time in a state of togetherness.

The irony is that couples who live with this difficulty are desperate for closeness with each other, yet the arguing between them prevents exactly what they both want.

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Research shows it’s not the fight that hurts the relationship…It’s how you fight that determines lasting effects

According to The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010, in an article that ponders the question, “Is marriage good for your health?” surprising studies show that people who fight are not in danger.  The research shows it’s not the fight that determines whether the marriage is good for you and your partner. It doesn’t matter how difficult the argument or how angry the fight, what matters is whether the people fighting stay connected.  That’s right, you have to tell you partner right in the middle of a fight that you still love them.  You have to find a way to grab their hand or call him or her a pet name, and you have to do this right in the middle of the argument or fight.

If you can do this you will have a happy heart and not suffer from stress.  When we argue without connection to our partner we put stress on our hearts and other parts of our body.  We get all keyed up and mad, sometimes we even get hateful.  The key, according to research, is to find a way to make a connection with the person we are fighting with, during the argument. 

Usually couples will have it out with each other and then they’ll have to wait until all the energy inside them dies down so they can talk to each other again, talk about what happened and start some sort of repair process to reconnect.  Research shows  us that if you can find a way to get out of the anger for just a second and make an overture to your partner, a small gesture or a couple of loving words are all that’s needed, you will keep yourself from getting into that mad zone that takes so long to come back from.

Going there, the mad place, and staying there, is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body.  Your body is now dealing with enormous amounts of energy.  It’s all stored up inside each of you and it has to go somewhere.  Maybe some of it get’s released through loud words said to each other, but chances are if you are yelling at the other person you are pretty amped up and those feelings are going to take some time to dissipate.  It’s this period that has the most negative impact on your body; elevated stress hormones, elevated risk of diabetes, elevated risk of heart disease, immune system weakens, increased risk of depression, nasty stuff to keep inside yourself.

Why not think of this now, before the next blow up. Talk with your partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and discuss the damage you each are doing to yourselves when you get in prolonged arguments.  Gain an understanding of the toxicity that fighting without connecting can produce.

Maybe you can come up with your special way of connecting before the argument begins.  Why not create a safe word or a funny phrase, a physical gesture or make a silly face.  Anything will work, as long as it brings the two of you close.  The idea isn’t to end the argument or fight.  The technique is designed to give the two of you a place away from the war zone.  It doesn’t even have to last a long time.  It just has to last a moment.  If you can do this the research says you will be served by your relationship, instead of it feeling like a weight.

Send your comments to Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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When It Feels Like It Will Never Work

Sometimes in a relationship a fight may bring out such deep feelings of being torn apart there might be an accompanying fear that the union is broken. 

Sometimes the fights are so painful that it feels useless to even think about trying to work things out.

Isn’t this evidence that the relationship just doesn’t work?  How much more proof do we need to know that we can not get along and we are making each other miserable.

Of course you would think this.  Of course you would feel as if your relationship was on the rocks.  Who wouldn’t?  What crystal ball do you have to tell you things could be different?

As a couples counselor I am familiar with people believing that their partnership is in shambles.  I have heard from all types of couples about the terrible things that sit between them, and I have been a witness to some pretty difficult times in a therapy session.

I know it feels terrible to be involved in something that just feels wrong.  I know it weighs heavy on both people when they get mixed up in it.

I also know that every time there is big emotion, it’s a sign that people are becoming vulnerable and dropping deeper into what could become a rich connection with each other.

The emotion tells us of pain.  Pain in a relationship is usually present when one or both people are desperate for something.  They are seeking something from the other.  It could be understanding, closeness, connection, tenderness, intimacy, love.

It’s usually something from deep inside the soul that desires this.  And it’s probably been a deep longing for awhile. Unfortunately all attempts to fill the desires and longings have fallen flat.  The partner hasn’t delivered.  The partner isn’t available.  He/she doesn’t understand, connect, have time for, need, want, and desire me.

This is the message the person receives when their attempts at connecting fall short.  If we receive the message that our mate can’t fill our deepest longings, we might get pretty angry, and we might even get really mad at them.

So of course there will be big arguments.  Of course there will be people raising their voices and saying things that they might not say in other circumstances.  That’s what we as humans do when we have a lot of energy stored up inside us.  We have to let it out, and we do, at our partners, especially when things are not going well.

So do fights mean the relationship is on the brink?  No, it just means there is stuff to work on.  It means there is an opportunity to understand what each person needs.  It means there’s hope; hope that when we understand each other we can give our partner what they want.  And that’s what everyone is looking for, to be understood by their mate, to be listened to when they need an ear, to be treated tender because the world is a lot better knowing we’re loved.

Don’t let a big fight tell you something else, that if we loved each other you wouldn’t do this to each other.  This would be true in a fairy tale, not in real life.  Fighting doesn’t mean you are wrong for each other.  Fighting means you are desperate for understanding.  

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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Why it’s So Hard to Let Go of Resentment

Even when couples want to improve their relationship, if resentment has built up between them it will stand in the way.  Both know it’s there, no one knows what to do about it.  So what can you do?  One way is to seek counseling learn how to
get rid of it. 

Unfortunately the resentment is not a thing to be destroyed; it has become a part of the person who is holding on to it.  It’s with them when they wake in the morning and think of their mate.  It’s there when they talk to their friends.  It’s present in a conversation with their partner. It’s always there, like a thick fog that surrounds everything.

So when couples ask me what they can do to get rid of it I know the next thing I have to do is start explaining.  Explaining how resentment forms and what it takes to soften and fade.  Couples don’t want to hear me talk about this.  What they really want is for me to just give them tools to help them get rid of it, like buying a shovel when you have to dig up something.  Some couples implore me to give them the secret.  But I know there isn’t one. 

Most people who hold on to resentment believe that the other person has to do something to make the relationship better.  I know this isn’t the magic bullet either.  Releasing resentment in a relationship takes both people: the person who acted in a way that caused the hurt, and the person who is hurting.  Both have to be involved and willing to work through the resentment. 

The first phase is all about becoming aware of one’s part.  It’s not about blaming the other.  Each person must begin an internal dialogue with him or herself to understand what part of the action or event belongs to them.  It there are two people each has a role.  One may feel that the action was done to them and that may be true, but where was the silent partner?  Was he or she unavailable and distant?  Getting in touch with your part is crucial, and it’s the first step in your healing and the relationship’s health.

It can be a pivotal moment in the relationship when each person understands themselves as an individual with unique needs and desires, different then their partners.  The more you notice yourself, and that you are different than your mate, the better equipped you will be to resolve difficult issues between the two of you.  Understanding what you are feeling, and not confusing it with what he or she did to you will go a long way toward repair.

Once you know about your part and can identify your feelings you can ask your partner to hear you. Not fix or change your feelings, but just listen to what is going on inside you.  If someone is holding back some pain from an incident that happened a year or more ago there is still a wound that needs attention.  One way of attending to that pain is to ask the offender to listen to what it feels like to carry around the hurt.

If the goal of the couple is to move through and past the pain, each will have to be involved.  The one who does the listening will have to find a way to just hear the partner’s words.  The listener tries to understand the speaker.  The listener offers a safe place for the speaker to unfold and be heard.

The listener does not try and change the speaker’s words or defend an action.  The listener has the chance to understand why the speaker is holding on to the pain.  The listener has the opportunity to feel what the partner has been feeling.  Sometimes when couples reach this state it’s possible for true repair. Through empathy, feeling another’s pain, awareness can grow.

Perhaps the listener hears something new and wants to make amends.  This also leads to healing.

Because the pain is usually so deep, the process for moving through and beyond resentment must also been deep.  It’s hard to reveal one’s painful truth to another, but if a couple is ready to go this route, the benefits can be amazing. 

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

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