Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog


Do You Accept Your Mate?

Do you accept YOUR mate?

All of us in a relationship want things to go just right. We might have thought about how we would feel when we found our partner and many of us are trying to make everything just perfect, so we can be comfortable.

This is very common with people in relationships. All of us want things the way we want them. And some of us will impose ourselves on the other in order to get it.

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If We Can’t Change Our Partner

When we can't change our partner, it can feel like things are set in stone.

Many times, in relationships people ask their partner to try and change their behavior. This happens often where someone likes things done one way and the mate wants it done differently.

It would be just great if everyone in a couple were to say, “Fine, you do it your way and I will do it mine,” without any disagreement. But that is usually not the way humans are wired.

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Insecurity in Relationships: When We Worry Our Partner Will Leave

Insecurity in relationships shows up when we worry about our place with our partner.

Insecurity in relationships is incredibly common. So many of us wonder whether we will always be with the one we love! If we love them then we want to feel secure with them. But sometimes if there is ambivalence that we notice with our mate, we might feel insecure about the relationship.

This is common too. And if we feel unsure if the relationship will last, well we might resort to things that are full of anxiety, like asking if our partner loves us, or wondering when they will ask us to live with them, get engaged or even marry.

These are elements that make some of us feel secure in our relationship. If we have one of these elements, we might be able to lose our worry about when we will get it.

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When We Wish Our Partner Were Different

We may wish our partner were different in some way.

Many of us in relationships dream of having the perfect life with our mate. But how many of us actually wish that our partners were different? I bet there are a number of us.

This is when we know in our minds what kind of partner we want. We look at our current mate and we think, “If only they would be like this, or do these things, then everything would be perfect.”

This is not unusual at all. When we find the person we want to love we might have been wishing for this for a long time. We might have even wished that this person would look and act a certain way too.

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Nagging in Relationships

Nagging is common, and unwelcome, in relationships.

Nagging in relationships: it’s common and doesn’t make anyone happy. No one wants to be nagged, and no one wants to nag their partner. Why does it happen, and how can we move past it?

When we are in a relationship, we often rely on our partner to do things for us. This is only natural. They probably rely on us to do for them as well.

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What Happens When We Blame Our Mate?

What happens when we blame our partners like this angry, pointing woman?

When couples struggle in a relationship, someone or both might see their mates as the one who caused the hurt. If this is the case, then one or both might blame the other for making them feel bad.

This is very common among couples. I know this intimately because as a young girl I blamed everyone who hurt me. I did not know another way to communicate my hurt to the person who caused me pain.

I blamed the one who caused me difficulty and it was usually a family member. It would be strange if I did this alone, but we all did this. We just didn’t learn a better way of handling our hurt emotions.

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When There is a Misunderstanding

When there is a misunderstanding we may both feel confused and lost.

A misunderstanding can happen so easily. One partner says something the other believes it was a slight and gets offended and then there is a disagreement.

But what really happened was someone saying something that the other person didn’t quite understand and the receiver made it into something that it wasn’t.

Does this sound like something that happens in your relationship? Well, it happened in mine.

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When Our Partner Causes Us Pain

Our partner can cause us pain by yelling.

Often in relationships couples will fight with each other. Both want the other person to hear them, but the arguments usually continue without one person giving in, so there is no resolution. And that’s exactly what both people want.

Often when in a disagreement partners will tell the other person mean things. They might call them names or discuss the way they act, all to point out that they have something that they need to share.

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When We Blame Our Partner

When we blame our partner, things go badly.

Many of us bring our old childhood habits into our relationships. They appear whenever our feelings get hurt and if we haven’t worked though these old patterns, we will use them on our partners. Like blaming them when we get hurt.

I grew up getting mad at the people who hurt me. I know this is not a good way to let people know they hurt you, but I was not trained to do any better. My single mother was overwhelmed trying to manage three rambunctious children and she often just got frustrated and yelled at us.

This is what I saw, so this is what I learned. When things didn’t go my way, I yelled. Of course, when I grew up, I didn’t yell that much, but when I really got my feelings hurt, I did. It took a while to figure out that I was bringing a lot of the chaos into my life by just getting angry.

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How Our Triggers Keep Us Trapped

Triggers trap us in anger, hurt, and conflict.

Often when we lash out at our mate it is usually because we have been triggered by something they have said or done. This is common because most people hold on to our difficult feelings and they reside somewhere in the body.

Someone we love says something to us and we explode. This is common too. If you are in a relationship and your loved one just reacts when you say something, it’s probably because you touched something that resides in his or her body and this feeling has been out of reach until you triggered it.

That’s why psychologists call these out of the blue reactions triggers. They probably make sense to the person who is reacting if they have spent time wondering why they act the way they do.

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