Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

What Do We Do About the Distance Between Us?

All of us in relationships get our feelings hurt. I know I do. It happened again last night. I worked late and then came home. My husband had prepared dinner and had been waiting.

I felt the pressure but sometimes things can’t be helped. I had some details of my work to continue as I sat down at the table, texting and completing my duties. I was involved with tasks on my phone.

And while this was happening, something was also happening with my husband. He got very, very silent and stopped being there. He was of course sitting there eating, but I could not feel him anymore. I just left.

Many couples struggle when they hurt each other’s feelings. This is the time when both people in the relationship feel so alone. It is also the time when there is usually no way either can figure out how to get back to loving each other again.

This is very common with people who struggle when there are disagreements, misunderstandings, or even fights in their relationships. We all have to do something when we get our feelings hurt, especially if the one who is hurting our feelings is our beloved.

We are all great at being ourselves—in fact no one is better. We are our own experts at knowing what we like, don’t like, want, or don’t want. And sometimes we just need to be by ourselves to figure things out, even if we are in a relationship.

This is normal. Everyone needs his or her alone time. But what happens when one of you wants closeness and the other wants to be left alone? All of us who are in a relationship have encountered this at some time or another, and sometimes it becomes a problem.

All of us want things to go a certain way. That is the way humans are hardwired. We like this, we don’t like that. We want more of this so we can feel good and we want less of that because it makes us feel bad.

These are our wants and dislikes, or in another way to express it, the stuff we want more of are our desires. We might desire our mate to listen to us more. We might desire out partner to make more time for us. Any time we are wishing for more of something with our beloved, we are trapped in desire.

Often when people are in relationships they can’t help but see the partnership from their own perspective. We all do this in the beginning, and we ask ourselves questions. Do I like this person? Are they right for me? Am I happy? Do I love them?

Of course we come from our own mind, we don’t know them well enough to be in theirs yet. But what happens when you have been in a relationship for a while and you are still in your own mind. Well the chances are your relationship might be a push and pull.

Most of us enter into a relationship trying to do the best job we can for our mate. We are pretty capable individuals and we often apply what we think they might need, enjoy, desire and want and try to anticipate what that might be, and then produce it.

Everyone does this in the beginning. But something happens after we try and try to make things good and right. We might get frustrated that our partner doesn’t understand all of our efforts and we might even get mad and feel unappreciated at them for not seeing what we are doing for them.

Does this sound familiar? I think all of us in a relationship have been here before. So, what do we do about it? This is where we learn to do what we can and not do more than we want to do, and reveal what may seem obvious.

Resentment in relationships is all too familiar to us. It’s when our anger towards someone gets so hard it turns into a wall of everything we don’t like about that person. That’s what we normally refer to as “resentment.”

We treat resentment like it is the most important thing we can feel. We hold on to it so tightly that we hope the one we are using it against can feel it too. Resentment is like a cold brick wall. It’s so strong and solid, the person it’s directed towards would have to be dead not to feel it.

That’s what resentment feels like. We notice it. We feel it. But what underlies it is even more interesting to me. I read this recently: resentment in relationships stems from self-pity.

We humans are funny. We learn as individuals how to take care of ourselves. Most of us learn all the skills needed to become successful in our lives. Society teaches us basic bodily activities: eating, bathing, dressing, etc.. We learn the skills that help us with a career or trade.

We are even good at selecting a mate. But that’s where our skills end.

When it comes to relationships or matters of the heart we act like the other is responsible for taking care of us. “What?” you might ask? Well, think about it. You might blame your partner when you’re upset.

And if you aren’t a blamer, then you might silently expect your mate to do a whole lot more for you than they are doing right now.

“Hurt people hurt people.”A friend of mine recently shared this expression with me. It resonated with me as a counselor. I understand pain in people, maybe because I have experienced it myself.

Pain and hurt can come in many ways. And we can feel it throughout our lives, and sometimes we take out our pain on others.

Humans are sensitive beings. We are often impacted by feeling another’s energy. This happens a lot in relationships and it has a big impact on us. So, let’s figure out what we can do about these frequent situations.

I often hear from people who are impacted by the moods of their mates. This is very common. Just think about it for a moment. How often do you walk into a room with people and feel drawn to some and put off by others? It happens to all of us, if we notice it.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

What Do We Do About the Distance Between Us?

How to Get Over Hurt Feelings in a Relationship

Is Needing Space in a Relationship Normal?

How Wants Can Derail Your Relationship

How to Defuse Conflict in Relationships by Grounding Your Partner

Self-Care in Relationships and Knowing Your Limits

Resentment in Relationships: How Self-Pity Divides Us

My Spouse Blames Me for Everything

Hurt People Hurt People: Here’s Why

How Our Partners’ Moods Affect Us