Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

How We Learn New Things

I recently had an experience while walking my little dog. She is a small, white, fluffy thing that I inherited. Before she came to me she had a history of being a rescue, which really means we don’t know what she experienced in her life prior to living with me.

So, in the past five years, I have taken note of her skittish behavior. She has been frightened by bigger dogs. I have always protected her by crossing the street or standing off to the side to let them pass. I used to just tell myself and others she just doesn’t like big dogs, and that’s that.

But lately I have seen her more vocal. Not at other animals, but in the house. Sometimes she will bark or whine or sing. She just has a lot to say now, much more so than before…

I needed directions to a new place and I turned to my husband to help me navigate. I often ask for his assistance as it gives me comfort to be helped. You see, my inner guidance is often backwards, and looking at maps is difficult for my head unless it’s explained to me. It is easy for my husband. He understands maps and grids and they are easy for him to use.

Not for me. I get stressed when I am unsure how to get to some place I have not been to before. He understands how I am wired and he is usually so good at printing out a map and showing me how to go. I have to literally see a map, write down directions and then I can feel at ease.

All we really want from the one we love is to know that we matter, and we are special to our partner. It is a very specific feeling that we must receive from the person we love. Because we love them so much, we must feel they love us just as much. And we feel it so fiercely when we don’t get it.

And when that happens we end up feeling as if our mates just don’t care enough. I saw this recently in a client. She was hoping to see her beloved for a special day but the partner had other things to do. On any other day, this might have been OK, but not on this day.

One of the most common difficulties I witness when I meet a couple is that one of the partners can’t show his emotions. And maybe that’s because in our culture men are encouraged to “tough it out” so many are not used to even knowing they are feeling something in the first place.

This works of course, especially when there is business or other financial or important dealings. Not feeling or knowing what you feel has its place. But when it comes to relationships this system can be a problem.

I know this couple. They are friends of mine. I have known them for many years. A while back the husband came down with a severe condition. It required a lot of rest and a procedure.

He is healthy now. He is fine. And he felt something about his wife that helped him be happy again too.

I was walking the neighborhood recently with a friend and we passed by a car parked on the street. The windows were down so I could hear a young couple sitting in the front facing each other and having a discussion.

I heard a few words from the man. He was explaining something to the young woman about how his feelings were hurt. I could feel his earnestness, even after just a couple of moments. I also could tell that he was trying really hard to get her to understand him.

When we love someone and we get our feelings hurt, all of us do something about it. We cope with it differently. Some of us yell at our person to make things better. Some of us leave the situation when we feel hurt. And others freeze up and remain silent waiting for everything to pass.

I often talk about the first two, yelling at our partners or leaving after an argument, but I seldom give any thought to what silence from a mate can do to a relationship. But after working with a couple recently it’s clear that silence, however well-meaning, can have a detrimental effect on how people feel.

People in relationships want to be happy and peaceful. Couples all over the world share that wish. So why are relationships so fraught with difficulty and confusion? This is common too, and it’s something we can all do something about.

Unfortunately, most couples have one track for solving their problems—and it usually doesn’t work. Here’s why.

Being unhappy in a relationship is pretty common. Having an affair because of that unhappiness is also pretty common. When people feel lonely they will do almost anything to relieve the loneliness, including starting a relationship with another person.

I have counselled several couples where one of the mates turned to another to relieve whatever they were feeling. Usually they think they will never be caught by the other, but it often happens that the other already knows.

All relationships include someone being disappointed at some time. There is no escaping this feeling. This happens because you and your partner are different. You may want to do something that you like and your partner will say NO.

This leads to disappointment. I have experienced this feeling so many times I could not count them. And I have had to understand some of the things about this interaction to not take the experience personally.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

How We Learn New Things

Why Doesn’t My Partner Help Me?

Being Taken for Granted in a Relationship? What Should I Do?

How to Respond to Silent Treatment in Relationships

Seeing Each Other Differently: Refocusing Your Love

Arguing in a Relationship: When We’re Too Mad to Listen

My Boyfriend Won’t Talk to Me, What Do I Do?

Why Fixing Your Marriage Is So Hard

Why Do People Cheat? And Can We Survive It?

How to Understand Your Partner’s NO