All of us get mad at our mates. Most couples wonder whether it’s normal in relationships. It is. But so many people think that if they fall in love with someone, they will always feel that wonderful feeling and it will never change.
Aren’t Love Stories Supposed to End in “Happily Ever After”?
I call this problem the “happily ever after” condition. Somewhere in all of us, there is this idea that when we meet our person, we will be happy forever more.
Only in most cases we are not. And for most of us this is not OK. But for some of us we start to understand that there are two of us in the relationship instead of one feeling of happiness shared between two people. When we understand there are two people, we might get a chance to realize that each of you in the relationship want the same thing.
Only you are two different people and you think and feel through your own experiences which shape your unique outlook on the world and are bound to be different and not the same.
Understanding Our Differences Helps Us Find Our Shared Happiness
Once we know that our partner is a separate person with their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs—well, maybe we can begin to understand that what we want might be different from what they want.
If we can understand that both ourselves and our partner are two different people, who both deserve to have their needs and wants met—well, maybe we might begin to grow the relationship muscle that’s needed to sustain a long-term couple.
Then when you are evaluating what your partner is about and you see their traits and positive qualities, you might just want to wish them well. If you do this, well, maybe you can do this even when you get mad at them.
The Good Offsets the Bad
You see the body can’t feel two different feelings at the same time. Sure, we all know what it feels like to be mad at our mate. And we probably know what it feels like to wish them well. Which one feels better? Wishing them well, of course.
So, when we get mad at our mate, instead of suffering with the pain caused by what we think they did to us, is it possible for you to remember that you love your mate and that they probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings? And if you can’t talk with them, can you at least wish them well?
Because if you can wish them well, you have just moved beyond your anger and are ready to reconnect. And then you are back. And that is worth everything.
Bring More Well-Wishing to Your Relationship!
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how you and your partner can reduce anger in your relationship by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you better understand each other, helping you get mad less, appreciate more, and feel happier overall. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.