Honesty in Relationships Helps Couples Connect

Let’s talk about honesty in relationships.

When I think about honesty in relationships, I am talking about expressing our emotional truth. When I see this in a counseling session I always feel something, like I am sharing a moment that is very special and pure.

I had the pleasure of helping a couple recently. It’s clear they love each other, but they were both exhausted trying to get love from each other. They were angry and were extremely unhappy too.

There is a common connection to disappointment in relationships and it revolves around people wanting their partners to change. Even among couples who love each other there is still a desire to have your partner be different.

We all like our comfort. We are very comfortable in what we like and feel good around and in, which includes our surroundings and people. And when things get disturbed and they are not to our liking it’s pretty natural to want to get whatever is bugging us to stop. And that can include and often does, behavior from our mate.

I was thinking about a birthday in the family the other day. I remembered to wish that family member a happy birthday, and it felt good to do so. Then I remembered that even though I always remember this person’s special day, they never remember mine. And when I thought about being forgotten, I felt sad.

Then I thought more about it and realized that my family member loves me no matter what. This family member didn’t stop loving me when they didn’t wish me a “Happy Birthday.” There was no withholding of love from me. There was no deliberate act of unloving anywhere. So why would I have a thought about this person who just didn’t know something?

Figuring out how to communicate with your spouse and feel heard in times of conflict can be challenging. Passions run high and you probably both know exactly how to press one another’s buttons. But do you know how to hear each other and bring the conflict to a close?

When I work with couples I often help them to really listen to what their mate is saying. We all know how to talk, so it might sound funny that a couple would need a professional to help them hear, but that is sometimes what is needed.

All of us complain about something. “It’s too hot!” I’m cold.” Some of us complain to another. “Turn off the light.” “Why didn’t you remember to call?” These phrases are how most of us communicate our discomfort with our mate. We feel a discomfort and we speak about it right away.

We learn this habit when we are small. That’s how we were taught to understand ourselves. We learn what works and what doesn’t. Then we tell someone what isn’t working. If you think about it, you can hear this kind of talking in just about every situation you find yourself in; work, school, family, friends, and relationships.

I was thinking about what it takes to believe in a relationship. You know, where you don’t wonder “will my relationship last?” and you just have a sense that life is good and you are happy with your person. Maybe you don’t doubt as much.

So as I was thinking about this I was wondering how I know that my relationship is good. And the word that kept coming to me was belief. I believe it is. I feel it inside me and I don’t question it. My belief isn’t brick solid, it’s more fluid than that. I remember it most of the time. But there are times I feel unloved and terrible and during those times I can’t remember to believe.

I was thinking of being little recently and I recalled the image of me and my younger brother. I was about 10 years old and he was about 7. We were pulling at opposite ends of our dog, a dachshund. It was something we did every night before we went to bed. One of us would begin the fight and say, “I get to sleep with him tonight! You slept with him last night.” The other would answer, “No, you slept with him last night it’s my turn.” And then the pushing and pulling would begin.

This went on night after night. I can’t remember how it ended or if I ever felt like I won. I just remember this is what we did. And when I recalled the memory recently I thought, “That’s love. That’s the chaos of love.”

When two people fall in love, they usually find many, many things that bind them together. A new couple can feel elevated with the ideas that another person sees things the way they do and feels the same way too. These are the experiences that tell us our partnership is the right one.

But after being with our special person for a while we begin to notice how they don’t really get us sometimes. We see how we think about something yet our beloved will think an entirely different thought as if they are speaking another language. This is quite normal as couples move from the “we are just alike stage” to “we used to be alike and now we are different.”

Figuring out how to control anger issues in your relationship can be challenging. Everyone gets mad. Some of us even blow up.

Controlling anger issues in a relationship means blowing up less often and learning how to minimize the damage when, despite our best efforts, an episode occurs after all.

Dealing with anger in a relationship can be difficult. Anger can push us away from our partner, so learning how to control anger’s influence on our lives and partner is incredibly important. Many of us don’t develop effective tools for dealing with anger until later in life, if ever. If you’re reading this, maybe you could use a helping hand.

If you get angry at your mate, you are not alone. If you get really mad and yell or do other things to your partner when you get upset… again, you are not alone. Anger is pretty common in relationships. And this is not an article about how terrible it is. This is a message about what to do about it.

I'm retired.

Couples/Relationships Articles

Honesty in Relationships Helps Couples Connect

Inspiring Your Partner to Change

Feeling Unloved? Here’s How to Doubt Less and Love More

How to Communicate with Your Spouse and FEEL HEARD

Complaining in a Relationship: Why & How to Stop It

“Will My Relationship Last?” Here’s How You Can Help It

Chaotic Love: Pure, Tumultuous, and a Little Scary

We’re Different From Our Partners, and That’s Okay

How to Control Anger Issues in Your Relationship

Dealing with Anger in a Relationship