Ask for what you want in your relationship. You want to be happy. Your partner wants you to be happy too, but they can’t always tell what you want without a little help from you…

Some Habits Give Us Happiness and Comfort

I had this idea recently and it came to me while walking my dog. She is an old girl, a small white little one. I was noticing as we were just wandering down the sidewalk that we were in sync. Both of us were stride by stride.

And that’s when it hit me, we have cultivated this ease at walking together by doing the same thing over and over again. And in that moment when I was noticing it, it felt like the best thing in the world. Just the two of us, just us.

Then I flashed to other habits that I enjoy in my life, and I immediately thought of the time I spend in the morning with my husband, just sitting in our den, reading the newspaper, drinking tea or coffee and just being.

This moment has a sweetness to it. It is regular and it is comfortable. We sit together—sometimes talking, sometimes not—and we are just there. Kind of like me and the dog on our walk. We are, just us.

Ask for What You Want, So You Can Establish Comforting Habits

I was listening to a client recently who is now living in a home with the person she loves. She wants some things different. She says she longs for a time where she can wake up, be in her pajamas and drink coffee with her beloved.

Now, her beloved has his own habits and has lived without her for a while. He didn’t know there was something she needed. But when she spoke of her longing to be with him in the morning and could he make that happen, he couldn’t have rushed any faster to absolutely make it occur.

The client was shy about even mentioning what she wanted, but the minute she spoke of it, he was ready and eager to make it happen. And this is what I want to draw your attention to.

Your Partner Wants You to Be Happy, So Ask for What You Want

Most of us feel disappointed when we aren’t happy in a relationship, like my client was when she wished for something more. But look what happened the moment she talked about it, without placing blame or getting upset! She simply talked of something that would make her happy and her beloved couldn’t move fast enough to make sure she gets what she described.

Most of us don’t believe that we will be loved enough for our person to do what we want them to do. But I don’t think that is true. People in relationships savor the moment they see their partner happy. If they knew what would make them smile they would do whatever that thing was regularly.

Asking for What You Want in Your Relationship Helps Fulfill Your Needs

It also doesn’t take much to say things like:

• “Could you do _?”
• “I would love it if we could _.”
• “It would make me so happy if you could _.”

These are invitations to the person who loves you. They are always met with a yes. And if not a yes, a really good reason why not and that probably wouldn’t even make you mad.

Be Explicit When You Ask for What You Want

But most of us don’t say these kinds of things to our partners. We tell them what we don’t like and why. I guess we assume our partner will figure out what we really want, on their own, if they hear us talk about what we don’t want. But don’t bet on it.

You and your partner live in different head spaces with different ways of interpreting life and each other. Explain to them what you want. Do it in a nice and loving way. Who knows, you may look back some day and realize you have some built-in, beautiful habits just waiting to be savored.

Get Help with Asking for What You Want in Your Relationship

Read a Book About Relationships

Get a helping hand with communicating your needs in a clear, direct, and non-confrontational way, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help your partner better understand what will make you happier, letting the two of you improve your relationship. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.