Wondering how to stop blaming others for your feelings? Blame can undermine relationships and impede the love and empathy you crave when feeling hurt. Are you ready to learn where blame comes from, how to end it, how much richer your relationship might be if you do?
We Learn How to Blame Others in Childhood
Most of us learn our skills as little children. We figure out how to express ourselves when we are young. Sometimes we get good help from our caretakers who guide us with good behaviors. Some of us though had to figure out things all by ourselves.
And then we use these skills from childhood when we become adults. If we learned to keep our feelings inside of ourselves, then that’s what we will do when we get older. If we blamed whoever hurt us for our pain, then that is what we will do when we age.
Our Blaming Tendencies Especially Manifest in Relationships
Our behaviors really become noticeable when we are in relationship with another person. As an individual we can leave when we get upset and come back to the person another day. But when in a serious relationship with another, those hurt feelings and the behaviors that follow come right along with us.
I am of the kind that poured my anger onto the one who hurt me. It’s just the way I grew up. No one is at fault for this, it just is. But this behavior of lashing out at my partner did not go over too well for him.
And by the way, he just kept his feelings inside. So, you can see how we were opposites this way. Anyway, after we had been together for a while it became clear to both of us that the way we handled our disagreements and hurt feelings was not going to work.
Couples Counseling Can Help You Stop Blaming Others and Build Better Relationships
We ended up going to couples counseling (before I was a counselor) and that is where I learned that my partner had as much right to his feelings as I had to mine. This was a stunning lesson for me. I had never had those thoughts about another human.
I loved this man, and I could see that I needed to grow in accepting him and allowing him to have his own space and ways. In the past I was used to getting just my own way and doing what I wanted.
But in a relationship, we have to make room for the other. I also began to learn that when my feelings got hurt, I could begin to understand what happened to me, instead of just blaming someone else. It was time to stop blaming others for my feelings and hurt.
Slowly I started to detect what was going on inside of me and what feelings got hurt. I began to express what I believed happened and this led to understanding and kindness from my mate and that is all I needed to heal the hurts.
Introspection and Communication Are How to Stop Blaming Others and Get More Empathy and Love
I understand the desire to blame others. I also know it never solves the problem and it certainly doesn’t heal the pain. It took me many decades to learn this and that is why I am eager to help you stop blaming others for your feelings.
Learn your behavior. That is the first step. See it when it takes place. Get familiar with what you do. Then try and figure out what feeling got hurt. Was it rejection, being ignored, dismissed, unappreciated, unnoticed? These are real feelings and they hurt when they happen in a relationship with someone who is supposed to love you.
But if you can identify what happened to you and communicate it (without blame) you will get something that has been missing in your life. You will get understanding and empathy. And that, my friend, will allow you to heal.
Ready to Communicate with Kindness in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.
My wife still brings up my past relationships when we argue. I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for over 20 years and my new wife has some serious insecurities. I try not to stir up more anger and resentment by matching hers so i tune her argument out for the sake of PEACE. we have been married now for 16 years and she still seems to have no peace within.
If someone does something abusive, neglectful or that is a betrayal, like cheating or lying, are we still supposed to not blame them? That seems really ridiculous. Like, if I kick you in the face, it’s not your fault that your face hurts. It’s my fault, because I kicked you. The blame is mine. If my partner cheated on me with the neighbor and destroyed my ability to feel safe in my own home when said neighbor started trying to ruin our lives, the blame is on him and her, not on me. I think this type of relationship advice and counseling – which we actually briefly received during which the therapist gently teased me about my desire for *any* intimacy as wanting a “Disney romance” (the relationship had been sexless for 3 years at that point, which went hand in hand with most of my conversation and needs otherwise being ignored) – is extremely damaging and gives abusers a free pass.