There is a common connection to disappointment in relationships and it revolves around people wanting their partners to change. Even among couples who love each other there is still a desire to have your partner be different.
We all like our comfort. We are very comfortable in what we like and feel good around and in, which includes our surroundings and people. And when things get disturbed and they are not to our liking it’s pretty natural to want to get whatever is bugging us to stop. And that can include and often does, behavior from our mate.
Be Gentle In Expressing Annoyance or Displeasure
“Stop doing that,” or “Do you have to do that right now, can’t you see I am watching my television show?” Our first sense is to get the annoyance to cease. Our way of expressing ourselves is often the key to getting what we want. I am a big fan of comfort. But I don’t want to put my husband in a box of irritation towards me if I harm him while asking him to stop, or be quiet. I don’t want my irritation on what he is doing to bleed into my admonishment for him to quit.
So I work on how I come across. I know that I am very willing to comply with others’ requests. I am also very quick to say “NO,” when I am told to do something. And I think I know why.
Everyone Wants to Be Free and Feel Accepted
I was walking the dog the other day and came upon a house where there was screaming inside. Not the kind of sound that terrifies you, it came from kids running through the house and passing by the living room window and screeching with delight as they rounded the furniture chasing each other.
I must have remembered being a little kid for a moment. I felt their complete freedom and just envied it for a minute. Then I remembered what I always expected in my childhood, some adult yelling at me to “BE QUIET!” “STOP RUNNING!”
Nurture the Human Spirit, Instead of Suppressing It
So I waited a moment to hear a loud voice coming from a parent type, but none came. The kids calmed down on their own and then I thought this. As young people we are all wanting to be free, just like those kids in the house. But not all of us were allowed to be loud and free in our environments. I now know that the joy in us as little children can be easily damaged if caregivers crush our spirit.
And then I thought that even as a young person, the more I heard stop, the quicker I was to resent my controller. I believe that as youngsters we learn how to respond to others from an early age. And maybe that’s why I HATE being told what to do. I believe the seeds of rebellion were planted a long time ago, when I was running free and full of spirit, and then criticized for what came naturally.
Kindness Helps Us Pursue Happiness Together
Sometimes it’s good to understand why we are the way we are. Sometimes it helps us understand who we are today and why we bristle at some things while others don’t have the same reactions.
Even so, all of us want to live happy. Find a way to be kind to your loved one when asking them for something different. Don’t crush their spirit, even though someone might have not been as kind to you. Remember we are all children underneath the grownup stuff. And all of us want to feel free.
Lovingly Pursue Change with Your Partner
Read a Book About How You and Your Partner Can Make Each Other Feel Loved
Can’t make it on Monday? Learn more about how to lovingly communicate with your spouse by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It has tips that will help you kindly and gently communicate your needs to one another. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.