Why Expressing Feelings in Relationships is Hard


Why Expressing Feelings in Relationships is Hard

Expressing feelings isn’t always easy. Some of us bottle things up inside. Others have trouble communicating their frustration effectively. So, how can you constructively express feelings in your relationship? Well…

A Case Study in Expressing Feelings Unproductively

Expressing Feelings Thoughtlessly May Cause Conflict

I was at a dinner party recently, sitting next to a lovely couple. The wife told me about her life and her love of her husband. She talked about how they enjoy travelling and some of the places they have visited. She also talked about how she was pretty sure they weren’t going to be able to travel anytime soon, because her husband just took a new job. The husband and I traded glances and he said to me, “Yeah, she keeps saying that. I guess we won’t be travelling this year.”

When I heard him say this about his wife, I could feel the wife’s suffering and I immediately felt my mind convert those words into another meaning for her. I was compelled to tell him privately what I felt she was really trying to say. I got him alone for a moment and asked him to repeat what his wife had been telling him about travelling. Again he said her words, “She says, I guess we won’t be travelling this year.” He mimicked her with a kind of whiney voice, but my insides knew what she was really trying to say to her husband.

Feelings Are Complex and We Sometimes Struggle with How to Express Them

After listening to her talk about him in such loving ways, I knew she loved him. I know she loves travelling with him. And I know when she told him this she was really saying, “I love travelling with you. I want to have that experience again with you. I am afraid your new job is making me nervous, because you can’t let me know when we can go travelling. I am not mad at you. I love you.”

I told him something like this, and he immediately started to respond. He said, “That’s nice.” Then he started talking as if he was speaking to her and he said, “So I will say, ‘Honey you know I just got a new job and I can’t get them to give me a schedule for travel yet.’” I stopped him because I was hearing his frustration having been asked about travelling several times before on this very subject.

Express Feelings After Understanding What You Want to Say

Expressing Feelings Constructively Can Help Your Relationship Be a Happy One

He sounded worried that she is angry at him, and he almost felt desperate in the way he was responding, and this was just to me. I said “Wait, I have an idea of something else you could say. Would you like to hear my thoughts?” He said he did, so I said, “Tell her how much you appreciate her desire to travel with you. Also tell her and how loved you feel by her and it feels great.”

Those comments are different than the husband defending himself because he can’t make her happy. The wife’s comments were made out of her disappointment and they leave her husband feeling bad. But I can see, and maybe you can too, both love being together and doing the same thing. They love the travel. She wants to go travelling with him. He is working through the particulars of a new job and can’t ask for time off at this moment. I can feel the pressure on him. You can probably feel it too.

Remember Your Love, Even When Pressure and Fear Lead You Astray

If she knew she was speaking out of disappointment and adding pressure she would probably say things differently. If he knew he was feeling pressured and answered out of frustration he might answer her differently too.

We can’t always know what we are feeling or what makes us say things the way we do. All of us fall into patterns to get what we need. But when we are with another, let’s find a way to be truthful with what is driving us. This couple is beautiful together. I believe they will work this out and continue in a happy relationship. I also know though, for a time, this couple felt trapped in difficult feelings because they didn’t have a better way to communicate them.


Express Feelings More Effectively and Clearly in Your Relationship

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Can’t make it on Monday? Learn how to express yourself and enrich your relationship by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you and your partner feel closer and more connected than ever. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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