When We Are Too Hurt To Change

Too Hurt to Change? We Can Feel Stuck After Enough Conflict

Most of us believe that when we fall in love with our special person that everything in our life will be just perfect. In fact it is for a while. But after the initial stage is over then reality sets in and things are different.

Misunderstandings Are a Natural Part of Relationships

Misunderstandings and hurt are natural over the course of relationships.

The first thing we might notice is that our partner doesn’t always understand us and sometimes makes us unhappy. This is just a natural process when two people learn more about each other.

But it doesn’t feel good, especially since before the hurts happen there was peace and love and connection. Many couples just wonder what happened to those good old days.

This stage occurs with every relationship. The question to you and your mate is what are you going to do about it? Most of us just use our old habits and try and make things work. If your habit is to blame the person who hurt you then that is what you will do to your mate.

Our Protective Habits Can Emotionally Distance Us from Loved Ones

The habits we use to protect ourselves when we feel hurt, like the woman pictured disconnecting from her husband, can distance us from our loved ones.

If you have the habit of stuffing your uncomfortable feelings and not saying anything about them then that is what you will do. And if you have to leave the situation every time you get your feelings hurt then you will continue to do that.

These are our habits that we bring into the relationship. We all have habits of protecting ourselves when we get hurt. But if we are with the person we love, then we might have to do something else or we could destroy the connection that we so desire.

When we are hurt we need understanding. Are you capable of asking your mate to listen to you about your pain? If you can present what happened to you in a way that your partner can hear you then you can begin to heal.

Your Partner’s Support Can Show You There’s Another Way

Supportive partners can help you grow into better habits for handling when you feel hurt.

I didn’t know this was possible when I connected with my husband-to-be. My old habits were to blame the person who hurt me and then stay hidden for a while until I could calm down. I used this habit all my life. I didn’t know another way. But getting mad at someone who was not trying to make me mad or hurt me was something I had to figure out, because my old habit was not working.

So I did. I learned that every time I was angry and loud, no one ever listened to me. But when I was in my vulnerability and cried about what happened to me, well my partner was there to help me. And that was the first time I ever felt such tenderness.

Exploring Vulnerability Helps Make Relationships Stronger

Vulnerability is essential to the kind of openness that makes relationships succeed.

I know your habits are important to you. They helped you survive your environment and were necessary. But this is a new day for you. You have found someone who cares deeply for you.

Find your vulnerability. You don’t have to be good at it in the beginning. But I promise you, if you use it, it will be the best journey you have ever taken. And it will secure your relationship like no other. Have courage. You deserve to have someone treat you tenderly too.


Connect with Your Partner

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to more effectively communicate with your partner, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help both of you feel happier, more loved, and even more connected. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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Criticism and Acceptance: Which One of Us Should Change?

Criticism and acceptance: learn how they affect relationships and what you can do about it

Many of us in relationships want our partners to be different. It is so common for one mate to insist on helping their mate to become different. We do this so we will feel more comfortable.

A lot of couples fall into this habit. People want what they want and they do things so they will get what they want, including wanting their partners to become different.

But there is a catch to always wishing that our mate will change. When does this end? In fact, it doesn’t. If we don’t like some things, we will end up always wanting the things we don’t like to be different. And if we find success in changing one thing, well, then we will continue this practice until we get exhausted.

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Do You Blame, Reason or Argue With Your Mate?

Do you blame, reason, or argue with your mate?

Often when our partner does something that we don’t agree with we do something. Some of us get mad at our mate. Others try and reason with their logic. And some of us even blame them for what they are saying, doing, or thinking.

Do you fall into any of these categories? It’s easy to do, in fact if we have one of these habits we usually bring them from childhood. I know in my home when I was a child, all of us argued with each other, and sometimes we yelled our arguments.

It took me a long time to unwind my old habit and build something new, and that is the reason I am writing this article.

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How Our Resentment Hardens into Something Worse

Our resentment in relationships can harden into a wall between us and our partner.

Many of us get our feelings hurt by our mate. In fact, it is a guarantee that if you are involved with the person you love then they will at some time make you unhappy.

They don’t do this because they stop loving you, no, they do it because we all bring our habits into the relationship and that’s where our habits rub our person the wrong way.

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When Couples Fight

All of us in relationships get into misunderstandings. It is common to not thoroughly know what another person thinks and sometimes we end up stepping on our partner because we believe one thing and they believe something else.

But what if one partner gets upset and the other partner tries to get them to understand that their reasons for getting upset are not valid? This can happen in relationships too.

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When People Get Exhausted Trying to Be Better

All of us in a relationship want to have a great life with the one we love. This is why we couple. It makes sense. We fall in love and believe this is the best feeling in the world. We attach to that feeling, but at some point, we are a little less thrilled with the relationship and our partner.

As a couple’s counselor and someone who is in a relationship, I know this first hand and I help people with this as well. It happens. That wonderful partner we have finally found is not as perfect as we had imagined them.

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When One Partner Stays Quiet

Woman quietly ruminating instead of talking to her partner.

We all come to our relationships with the way we navigated our life before we met our beloveds. Every one of us has a habit of how we handle difficulties, problems or our need for change.

This is just how humans work. So, when we meet the one we love and they love us and we are mad about them, it is very hard to believe in that moment that they will not understand everything about us.

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Changing Our Harmful Relationship Habits

Changing harmful habits can help your relationship thrive, leaving you less concerned than the woman pictured worrying about her relationship.

All of us have habits we bring into our relationships. Some of them are very good, but some of them can bring about pain and hardship to our partners. And if we have those bad habits, what can we do about them?

Plenty! But the first thing we have to do is understand what it is we are doing.

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How Our Habits Crush Our Connections

How our developmental habits get in the way of our romantic connection, depicted by a couple closed off from one another.

All of us in a relationship savor when we get along with our mates. We love the times when we are connected and when nothing pulls us away from that connection.

But when our feelings get hurt… well, that is usually another story altogether. We often just stew in our own discomfort and stay isolated from the one we love. This is very common with couples. I have even experienced it in my own relationship.

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Try Starting Over

Make a new beginning for yourself like nature making a new beginning via this plant sprouting in a concrete crack.

All of us are good people. We all intend to do well with people we love. Sometimes we are not our best and that is when difficulty can arise.

Here is a way to remember your goodness and it is a practice that might work for you. Let’s say you got into an argument with your partner. You might start to tell yourself something about your behavior, or their behavior and stay angry for a time.

This is suffering. Yes, an argument did happen. That’s what occurred. But the difficulty is inside your mind where you might be rehashing what happened, why it happened, and how you could do better or how your partner could do better.

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