Are You In a Healthy Relationship?

Happy couple in a healthy relationship.

I am a couples counselor. I work with people in relationships to help them resolve their problems and difficulties. But I wonder if people ever really ask themselves if their relationship is okay.

And if they did question whether their relationship was working, what would let them know it was? I believe it’s easy to tell if your relationship is workable. To know if yours qualifies, just ask yourself how long it takes the two of you to mend after an upset, argument or fight.

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For Those Who Can’t Say I’m Sorry

stubborn husband won't apologize, wife won't apologize either

There is pain in our world. There is pain among couples who carry hurt feelings and just can’t heal them. I see this often in my work as a relationship counselor. Another thing I see is a statement from some people that goes like this, “I don’t like to apologize.”

Some are even more emphatic with, “I don’t ever say I’m sorry.” This is not uncommon for some people to think this way. Many people believe that if you apologize, you are showing a sign of weakness. Weakness is something many people believe they have to avoid at all cost.

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Why Giving Up Control Can Help Your Relationship and Your Life

As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery.  The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship.  This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client.  Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another?  What would happen to the relationship?”  These types of questions played out in this person’s mind.  The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.

This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern.  Then during a recent session I noticed something new.  The anguish was gone.  There was no more worry from the client.  There was a greater sense of calm.

How did this happen?  The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it.  Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound.  This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change.  This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing.  This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.

This takes courage and self control.  This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur.  This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy.  I was surprised and grateful.

I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering.  The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen.  The client let go of trying to do anything.  The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen.  And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.

I often talk a lot about being present.  Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad.  Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails.  What we learn is to trust in ourselves.  We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.

This is true freedom.  This allows for real happiness.  We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome.  When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do.  And somehow that seems to be just enough.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

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When Couples Learn to Communicate

As a couples specialist I am sometimes humbled by the changes I see people make to improve their relationships.  It’s not that I don’t believe it can happen; it’s just that more often than not couples stay locked in their differences and expect the other person in the relationship to make the changes.

I spend a lot of time listening to how wounded people are because of what the other person has done to them.  I know it’s important for people to be heard because often they have exhausted themselves trying to tell their partner what is wrong and they just can’t get understanding.  I do know that listening to each person tell me about their perceived pain caused by the other has value, at least someone is listening.

But sometimes couples, or individuals in a relationship, can stay so wounded they see their mate as the one who causes their suffering.  They are so hurt from past injuries that they can not see anything but the harm caused to them.

When one or both people in the relationship stay bound up in their pain there is little I can do but listen.  I can not help someone get awareness on how they treat their partner if they are still living in the mistreatment they believe they have suffered.  Sometimes they are just so hurt they just see their mate as a monster.

It doesn’t matter how I encourage the couple to look at the possibilities of living happily with their chosen partner.  It does little good to talk about the ingredients that make up a good relationship.  If one or both people are suffering from unresolved wounds the couple can not move into a more neutral space.  And yet sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.

Twice in the last two weeks, two couples I had been working with, that had deep difficulties and lots of pain, moved the relationship to the next level.  I could sense it the moment they walked into the room.  There was a decrease in stress and worry and sadness.  I felt something else; a calm, an ease, tenderness.

So what happened?  In both cases one or both changed how they treated the other. In one of the couples one of the partners was mad about past hurts and kept accusing the partner of repeating the behavior.  Then in an instant after a disagreement this partner got some awareness about how they displayed harshness toward the other.  They immediately called the partner and apologized, and that was a first.  Both felt something new; a bit of closeness that they had been craving for years.

The other couple described an incident that they navigated without blowing up at each other.  In the past this issue would have ended with arguing and swearing and disconnection.  This time they walked delicately through the rough parts and stayed away from blaming the other.  Both worried about hurting the others’ feelings.  And that was a first for this couple too.

In both cases I was amazed and humbled by the beautiful changes I was able to witness.  Are all their problems solved? Of course not.  But what they discovered together is a new way of feeling, and those feelings felt good.  The human spirit wants to feel good.  Sometimes we just have to try something new to create something better.  Trust that you can find your way.  I know I do.

Send comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

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Can a Couple Recover From Infidelity?

I was counseling a couple recently and as the session was coming to a close I was asked point blank, “How many couples come to see you with infidelity?” I had to stop for a moment and think, “About 30% of the couples I treat work with infidelity issues,” I answered.

Then I thought: That’s what I see, but I bet most couples probably don’t even make it as far as the counseling room. Where cheating is involved, many couples likely break up after the affair is revealed.

I am thinking of tales from history — people I used to know before becoming a counselor, and just stories of friends and acquaintances who have had a cheating mate. Most quit. Most say adios. Most don’t even think about ending the relationship they just throw the cheating mate out. Just stop the pain of the betrayal and quit.

I might do the same, I don’t know. I don’t make any judgments about how people react because all of us are different and come with all kinds of experiences that influence how we might respond.

Some people could never recover from this kind of break.  Others who come in for counseling find ways to deal with it.  It’s hard, but it’s possible to wade through the issues that led up to the betrayal in the first place, because that’s what’s needed.

No one starts a serious relationship they care about planning to cheat. Having a relationship outside the marriage happens when two people are not connected in a deep way anymore.

The cheating, or betrayal, didn’t just happen; it started way before there was even a thought of acting. It’s during those times when a couple is probably taking each other for granted, and they are just not conscious of how each other is feeling. That’s when distance can set in.

It’s not uncommon for couples to be blindsided by their partner’s betrayal. But after looking at what preceded the cheating, people get understanding of how they might have been inattentive to their mate.

Now that’s not an excuse for finding another outside the relationship, but it helps to understand what led up to it.

For couples to rebuild and heal, though, there has to be some heavy lifting. It takes a lot for a couple to come into a counseling room after a severe break like this. The story of how the infidelity came to light get’s told again and the person who did the cheating feels humiliated and guilty. It takes courage to tell a complete stranger about a shameful act.

Sometimes spouses will read a phone text, or call a suspected phone number. Others will confront the person who had an affair with their mate. There is sometimes so much anger that it just gets sprayed in all directions. Sometimes it’s easier to dislike the other woman or man than to get mad at the person you love. You may feel intense hate toward your partner for what they did to you, but you still love them.

Maybe there is great remorse from your mate and you feel hopeful, but that feeling of being lied to and betrayed starts creeping in and you start seeing your partner with another and then you start wondering if he or she really loves you at all because if they did then HOW COULD THEY BE WITH ANOTHER!

The feelings are so complex. It’s really hard to know whether a couple can make it through the pain. Can the wounded one forgive? Can the pained one learn to trust again without getting a phone call or text twenty times a day? Can the one who cheated stop from feeling like the worst person on earth for hurting the one person who loves them? Can both learn a new way to communicate their feelings honestly even when those feelings are sad and mad ones?

For couples to move forward there has to be awareness — awareness of where each person was before the breach. There has to be healing and maybe amends so the wounded one can feel better. There has to be the beginning of true connection and understanding.

It takes a shift; it takes falling off a cliff again without a guarantee. It takes faith, and hope, and sometimes, sometimes it works.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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Living With Frustration in Your Relationship

Many couples I work with come in with a good amount of stress and difficulty.  The causes sometimes vary, but the behaviors people use to respond to the upset are often predictable.  People who start out loving each other sometimes find themselves so burdened by stress and difficulty they end up feeling frustrated in the relationship.

No one starts out being frustrated.  Frustration comes after being unhappy, sometimes for a long time.  Often couples with the best intentions end up not being able to explain themselves to each other, or they won’t say what they really want to say and as a result they feel tense, stressed and often times frustrated.

Frustration can appear in many ways.  It may come out as a curt answer to a question.  Maybe it’s a rolling of the eyes, or a “whatever” response to a partner or no response at all.  Frustration can also be felt when one person ignores the other altogether.

Sometimes frustration is a slammed door, or a sigh.  It’s a sign of exasperation from the frustrated person to the other telling them something is very wrong. It also broadcasts unhappiness and discontent.  And it’s a problem.  It keeps the frustrated person trapped in difficulty and leaves the other partner in the dark regarding the source of the problem.

What would be helpful is to discover how to talk about what doesn’t feel good in the relationship.  Unfortunately this is often difficult for couples who have not communicated with each other for a while.

If you find yourself answering your mate with frustrated gestures you might want to think about what is happening to you. I am sure you did not start out being unfriendly to your beloved.  I am pretty sure you used to have very soft, loving responses in the early days.  Maybe as time passed you found yourself unable to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner without worrying how he or she might react.  It’s possible you may even have started keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not wanting to bother your mate.  But the more you kept your thoughts and feelings inside without speaking them, the more you might have felt yourself becoming stressed and uncomfortable.

This is the body’s natural response to too much tension.  This tension is a clear message about what it feels like when you can’t express yourself and you keep your feelings inside.  You might have a sensation of all your feelings being trapped inside your own body and you can’t let them out, like you are frozen.  You keep yourself suppressed and you suffer.  At first you might be able to manage your increased stress.  Maybe you exercise more or take up an activity.  Maybe you yell at the kids instead or a co-worker.  Perhaps you overindulge; too much alcohol, drugs, or food.  You do what ever you can to find ways of letting off steam and tension.

This helps you survive difficulty and maintain, but it doesn’t help repair the problems between you and your mate.  The more you figure out how to manage your challenges, the more you might be looking at your partner with distain.  You may start to believe that he or she just doesn’t care about what you think and feel. That’s when people start with the one word answers, or the disinterest, or the shaking of the head.  These behaviors tell the other person you are not interested in them.  These reactions indicate that you are unhappy.

If you are unhappy in your relationship take stock of how you are feeling right now.  Ask yourself, “Am I stressed and unable to talk to my partner about what is bothering me?”  If you answer yes start looking at the ways you do talk to your mate.  Are you short and abrasive?  Do you dismiss him or her?  Do you just not bother because you don’t think anything will change?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you just might be living with frustration.

So how do you change your situation?  You just took the first step.  You recognized it.  From here you might want to talk to someone; a friend, family member, religious mentor or counselor.  Get your long held feelings from inside yourself, outside your head by communicating them.  Try and understand what is preventing you from talking to your mate about these feelings.  Learn why you stay silent.

You will likely feel better even after just a few sessions.  You could also learn different ways to communicate your feelings that may give you confidence.  When you leave your old behaviors; the eye rolling, sarcastic responses, non answers, and replace them with true expressions of your feelings a number of things might also happen.  Your stress and tension may decrease, and it’s possible you might even begin to experience some happiness, and that might feel pretty great.

Send you comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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When One Partner Bullies The Other

When we think of a bully we might be reminded of a big kid from school who used his or her size to intimidate others.  Maybe we have an image from some television show or movie of a hulking being pushing others around.  As a couples counselor I can tell you bullies come in all shapes and sizes.  They can be demur women and they can be medium sized men.  They can be kind in their presentation and underneath they can be steaming with anger and come out harsh.  Whatever their shape, they all have at least one thing in common… they are abusive to their mate.

So what kind of abuse are we talking about?  We all know about physical abuse.  I’m talking about emotional abuse, the kind that messes with a person’s head, and the kind that leaves the mate wondering if they are loved or hated.  Often it’s subtle and hard to point out.  Even so, it’s felt by the person who receives it and it feels terrible, oppressive.

When I witness this behavior in a session the first indication I get is usually a tightening in my stomach.  I often experience the feeling of what is happening between the couple.  The one who does the bullying is either explaining something to me or to the mate and it comes across with heaviness and a frustration so thick it sucks the air out of the room.  It can sound like belittling, berating or contempt.  It’s not about the words although they can be harsh too.  It’s more often indicated by the tone.

I’ve listened to couples where one partner is so resentful to the mate it makes my skin crawl.  When I inquire about the presentation, it’s not uncommon for the person to look at me as if I have two heads.  What am I talking about, they wonder?  Of course they love their mate, they profess.  Yet each time I hear them speak to their partner it’s loaded with venom.

The person receiving the hit is often frustrated and exasperated. When I experience a couple with this dynamic it’s very hard for me to feel neutral.  This I know is not the best form of therapy, as I could become biased. I pick up on the recipient’s grief and despair and I just want their pain to stop.  I have to remind myself that the person who is upset, the one who does the bullying, is most likely mad for a reason.

I try to see if I can find a soft side in the aggressor.  I look to see if the mad one has any sympathy or compassion for the partner.  If I can find some compassion or empathy, then I feel I can help the couple.  If I feel a stonewalling from the aggressor, I know he or she may not be ready to look at him or herself.  They are not able to do the processing or observing necessary to begin understanding the affect of their behavior on the other in order to begin healing the rift in the marriage or relationship.

If a person exhibiting anger toward a partner cannot see what they are doing and how it impacts the mate, in my opinion the couple is in danger of breaking.  Often times the examination process alone is too threatening or difficult though, and as a result the couple will leave counseling before we can begin to repair.

There are many reasons why people resort to abusive behavior.  The most common may be because the angry person does not feel heard, understood and valued.  These are feelings everyone wants to experience in a relationship.  When partners feel understood and valued by their mates they usually feel good in the relationship.  When this does not occur people feel sad and sometimes they get angry.  It’s the anger that turns people against their mate and that’s often when the bullying can begin.

Angry people want their mate to be different.  They want them to change so they can feel better.  This is a young person’s idea of how to fix a relationship, not a mature view with two people listening and understanding the other as well as themselves.

I feel bad when I can not help a couple with this kind of distress. It is my hope that they will find their way.  And then I remind myself of the many couples that enter into counseling ready to understand how their behavior impacts their partner.  We walk through the difficulties together gaining new insight and understanding.  This process leads to feeling better in the relationship or marriage.  This work leads to a couple’s health, and that’s where happy couples thrive.

Contact Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

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When One Person Is Unfaithful

Can a couple survive an affair?  I get this question a lot as a marriage and family therapist.  I’d like to say yes, but that is not always the case.  And yet, sometimes yes is absolutely the right answer.  Couples can survive an affair; an affair of the heart, an affair of the flesh, and an internet or phone affair.  Not all couples survive.  Sometimes there’s just too much pain to overcome.

But for others, two people sometimes find a way to move closer together.  They don’t ever put things back the way they were.  How can it ever be the way it was after one person finds interest in another outside the relationship?  A couple can’t go back to a place of innocence where true love blossomed and each believed in fidelity for ever and ever.  Something is irrevocably broken.

In many cases when an affair is discovered the person who finds out becomes devastated.  Often the first response is anger and disbelief.  How can this happen?  How can this be?  It’s almost unforgivable.  How could their partner have lied to them?

It’s also possible the person who finds out begins to worry what they might have done to create a situation where the other one left.  They also might wonder how they just didn’t know what was happening.  Often they feel stupid and duped, foolish and embarrassed.

If the other person is remorseful and wants to keep the relationship together he or she probably feels terrible seeing the pain they have caused their partner.  This guilt and shame can cause this mate to spin out of control.

Both are hit with something that feels like an explosion in their house.  They used to rely on things being a certain way.  Now everything is turned upside down and nothing is familiar.  What does a couple do when their world has been rocked with an affair?  Couples counseling can be a good place to start.  First it helps to have an objective individual listen to each person.  Chances are there have been a lot of conversations, and lots of tears and heartfelt apologies and promises.  Even so this is not enough to mend the damage.  That’s why a trained counselor is probably needed.

The first session is usually about figuring out what foot to put in front of the other.  Both people are in such a state of shock and the marriage or relationship has just imploded.  Slowly each person will unload what he or she has been feeling.  This is very helpful as many deep feelings get stirred up in this kind of crisis.  It’s helpful to talk about what one is feeling.  When you are guided by a trained professional you might even feel better.  That’s the first step.

What happens next is up to the individual couple.  Each person will have to decide what they want to do.  What would be right for them?  Sometimes both want to work on mending the relationship or marriage.  Sometimes one doesn’t know if he or she can.  This can also be explored in counseling.

If a couple decides to stay together this type of crisis often makes way for deeper understanding and compassion.  Couples learn to move more openly into their emotions and say a lot of the things they have kept hidden from their mate.  This allows a stronger relationship to emerge.  It’s possible to even heal from deep wounds.  It’s possible to build something better and become even stronger.

Interested in free counseling?  If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage you may qualify.  Send me an email linda@lindanusbaum.com

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He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her.  She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything.  It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat.  I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate.  The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other.  It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex.  This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does.  I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported.  It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution.  We talk to others.  This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads.  They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.”  This is a natural fit for most men.  That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her.  This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties.  But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging.  That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation.  You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa.  You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something.  This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live.  Someone has to make a move to become unstuck.  Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better.  If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate.  Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood.  Why not just ask them?  You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular.  This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good.  Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship.  Knowing what makes your partner happy.  If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life.  And that’s what all couples want.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Check out Linda’s website www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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Do I Need A Therapist? …Answers from a Marriage and Family Therapist

Wow, what a good question.  Do I need a therapist?  How many of us have ever wondered if we do?  How many times have we just thought that life felt too overwhelming for us and maybe, just maybe, someone could help us figure it out?  Probably a lot of us have thought this at some time or another, and why not?  Living can be complicated.

And that’s just one of the reasons people call on a therapist.  Here are some more thoughts that could lead someone to wonder if they need one.  It’s not uncommon for people to say to me, “I’m not sure what to do next, I feel stuck.” “I am sad about my life and don’t know what to do.” “I am always mad at my boyfriend and feel unhappy.”  These may sound like every day occurrences, and they are. But what is an anthill for one person could become a mountain for another.  Maybe there’s a problem at work, or with one or both of your parents.  Any of these issues could make a person wonder about seeing a therapist and getting some counseling.

Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help people sort out their difficulties.  That’s our skill set and that’s what we do.  We help people look at their struggles.  We help people understand their thoughts about those struggles.  Then we help people understand their feelings about the struggles.  For most people this is a new opportunity to explore one’s self.

Some people hold on to the notion that they should be able to figure themselves out.  They can’t imagine allowing a stranger into their world.  But sometimes the discomfort of not knowing how to fix a problem can lead someone straight into therapy.  And here is the good news; through therapy people get better!  Yup, people learn how to understand themselves, and that allows for all kind of new experiences in life.  When we understand what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want, we can then learn how to ask for what we like, or say no when we’re confronted with something we don’t like.  For most people this is the key to feeling good in life; knowing what will make you happy.

Through therapy people also learn they can’t always control their surroundings or how people should react.  Expecting people to act a certain way can lead to stress and aggravation.  Becoming disappointed because things don’t work out the way you think they should doesn’t have to be a way of life. Through counseling people learn that they may not be able to control their surroundings or other people but they can control how they act.  That can lead to increased self worth and that’s freedom.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

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