What to Do About Broken Trust in a Relationship

What can we do about broken trust in a relationship

Broken trust in a relationship is something you and your loved one can come back from, but it takes delicacy, the desire to rebuild, and effort.

Sometimes in a relationship people do things that cause the trust to break. Let’s say one person calls or texts someone outside of the relationship. This can have a devastating effect on the other person.

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How We Learn to Trust Again After Infidelity

How do we learn to trust again after infidelity in a relationship?

Sometimes in a relationship there is a difficulty where one of the partners might be attracted to someone other than the mate. This can also lead to some flirtation, some exchange of emotion, and even even more.

When this happens, there is a big rift between partners. The one who was cheated on often feels betrayed and can’t believe their mate would do that to them. Their heart feels torn and they might even wonder, “How in the world can I heal from this?”

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Why Do People Cheat? And Can We Survive It?

Why Do People Cheat? And Can We Survive It?

Being unhappy in a relationship is pretty common. Having an affair because of that unhappiness is also pretty common. When people feel lonely they will do almost anything to relieve the loneliness, including starting a relationship with another person.

I have counselled several couples where one of the mates turned to another to relieve whatever they were feeling. Usually they think they will never be caught by the other, but it often happens that the other already knows.

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Understanding Anger and Pain in Relationships

Understanding Anger and Pain in Relationships

As someone who is interested in what causes behavior, I am convinced that the madder you are, the more wounded you have been. It’s hard to think of an angry person as in pain though. Most of us want to get away from someone who is angry. We feel their fierceness and we just want to back away and not have anything to do with them.

I tried to calm him down. I did so three times. The fourth time I just let him rage, and that’s exactly what he did. He raged and raged and raged. And when he was done he got up and left the room. I continued with the wife and soon after the session ended. I felt a lot of emotion in the session and a lot of it was mine. I felt helpless to help him. I felt very sad for his inability to find a way to be understood by his wife. I felt him trapped inside himself and having no way to express himself except with a big booming voice that no one could tolerate.

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Overcoming Temptation in Relationships

Overcoming Temptation in Relationships: Avoiding Infidelity

I was listening to a friend recently talk about temptation. You know that feeling of being tempted that takes hold of you and you just can’t put on the brakes and whatever it is that you are temporarily obsessed by seems like you just have to have it no matter what? Yeah, that’s temptation.

Being seduced by an idea, a substance, food, music, or person people is probably the most human experience we can all have. We all wake up on some days and crave something. Maybe it’s coffee or tea or soda or a donut. We start with an idea. We get tempted with a thought. The thought becomes a craving and then it is a must have it.

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Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You’re Hurt

Why Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You're Hurt

Relationships cause hurts. We don’t want them, but they occur. This is just the way it is when two humans live and interact in a close and intimate way. We have a different kind of openness with our partners and when we get stung by them we get really hurt, I mean really hurt.

It feels as if they never really knew us at all, because if they did, how could they hurt us so badly? And if we get hurt, how long do we hold onto the pain of being hurt? Some of us can’t let go and we carry that hurt around inside us for a long time. In some cases it can last for years.

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How Jealousy in a Relationship Divides Us

Jealousy in a Relationship

If you are human, you have felt jealous. You might even have some early memories of really feeling the pain of jealousy when you were young. I like to think it’s pretty common for all of us as we grow up to experience the hurt associated with being jealous.

But why do we keep feeling it and how to do we deal with it when we grow up and are in what we consider an adult relationship? Why is it we often still get re-injured or we re-injure our mate and it always centers around jealousy?

As a couple counselor I work with people in relationships. Often the difficult issues surround feelings of jealousy. So let’s talk about it and understand what happens to us and our partner when we feel it.

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Jealousy in Relationships and Why We Feel Hurt

Jealousy in Relationships

I was thinking about jealousy the other day and how it can be so difficult in relationships. What brought on this thought was me thinking about telling my husband that I was going to meet a male friend, a colleague, for coffee. I was thinking about how he doesn’t even blink when I tell him these things.

He knows about my friend and I guess he doesn’t feel threatened in any way. I don’t know this to be true but it is what I think he thinks. Maybe I will ask him. But on the same subject I do know he was telling me about a dinner he was going to with some of his male friends. I asked who was going and he read the list and I heard a woman’s name.

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Why Giving Up Control Can Help Your Relationship and Your Life

As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery.  The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship.  This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client.  Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another?  What would happen to the relationship?”  These types of questions played out in this person’s mind.  The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.

This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern.  Then during a recent session I noticed something new.  The anguish was gone.  There was no more worry from the client.  There was a greater sense of calm.

How did this happen?  The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it.  Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound.  This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change.  This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing.  This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.

This takes courage and self control.  This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur.  This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy.  I was surprised and grateful.

I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering.  The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen.  The client let go of trying to do anything.  The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen.  And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.

I often talk a lot about being present.  Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad.  Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails.  What we learn is to trust in ourselves.  We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.

This is true freedom.  This allows for real happiness.  We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome.  When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do.  And somehow that seems to be just enough.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

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Can a Couple Recover From Infidelity?

I was counseling a couple recently and as the session was coming to a close I was asked point blank, “How many couples come to see you with infidelity?” I had to stop for a moment and think, “About 30% of the couples I treat work with infidelity issues,” I answered.

Then I thought: That’s what I see, but I bet most couples probably don’t even make it as far as the counseling room. Where cheating is involved, many couples likely break up after the affair is revealed.

I am thinking of tales from history — people I used to know before becoming a counselor, and just stories of friends and acquaintances who have had a cheating mate. Most quit. Most say adios. Most don’t even think about ending the relationship they just throw the cheating mate out. Just stop the pain of the betrayal and quit.

I might do the same, I don’t know. I don’t make any judgments about how people react because all of us are different and come with all kinds of experiences that influence how we might respond.

Some people could never recover from this kind of break.  Others who come in for counseling find ways to deal with it.  It’s hard, but it’s possible to wade through the issues that led up to the betrayal in the first place, because that’s what’s needed.

No one starts a serious relationship they care about planning to cheat. Having a relationship outside the marriage happens when two people are not connected in a deep way anymore.

The cheating, or betrayal, didn’t just happen; it started way before there was even a thought of acting. It’s during those times when a couple is probably taking each other for granted, and they are just not conscious of how each other is feeling. That’s when distance can set in.

It’s not uncommon for couples to be blindsided by their partner’s betrayal. But after looking at what preceded the cheating, people get understanding of how they might have been inattentive to their mate.

Now that’s not an excuse for finding another outside the relationship, but it helps to understand what led up to it.

For couples to rebuild and heal, though, there has to be some heavy lifting. It takes a lot for a couple to come into a counseling room after a severe break like this. The story of how the infidelity came to light get’s told again and the person who did the cheating feels humiliated and guilty. It takes courage to tell a complete stranger about a shameful act.

Sometimes spouses will read a phone text, or call a suspected phone number. Others will confront the person who had an affair with their mate. There is sometimes so much anger that it just gets sprayed in all directions. Sometimes it’s easier to dislike the other woman or man than to get mad at the person you love. You may feel intense hate toward your partner for what they did to you, but you still love them.

Maybe there is great remorse from your mate and you feel hopeful, but that feeling of being lied to and betrayed starts creeping in and you start seeing your partner with another and then you start wondering if he or she really loves you at all because if they did then HOW COULD THEY BE WITH ANOTHER!

The feelings are so complex. It’s really hard to know whether a couple can make it through the pain. Can the wounded one forgive? Can the pained one learn to trust again without getting a phone call or text twenty times a day? Can the one who cheated stop from feeling like the worst person on earth for hurting the one person who loves them? Can both learn a new way to communicate their feelings honestly even when those feelings are sad and mad ones?

For couples to move forward there has to be awareness — awareness of where each person was before the breach. There has to be healing and maybe amends so the wounded one can feel better. There has to be the beginning of true connection and understanding.

It takes a shift; it takes falling off a cliff again without a guarantee. It takes faith, and hope, and sometimes, sometimes it works.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

 

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