When Couples Argue

Sometimes when I see couples they are a little embarrassed to tell me how they communicate with each other, especially when they are in a heated argument. They often blame the other for making them feel so terrible. I usually hear something like, “He always does this,” “She never stops doing that.”

Both people are locked in their pattern of responding to the other. These patterns cement over time. When people get to the end of their rope they say the most emphatic thing to the other person so they can to be heard. Sometimes it’s really harsh. And when a couple gets to this point they are locked in dueling tirades.

They might sound something like this. “You blank, blank, blank. You make me so blank mad. I hate you. I wish you were dead. I wish we never met.” Both people are yelling curse words at each other and it’s as explosive as it can get.

Maybe one person does the yelling one time and the other person yells another time. Maybe this is your pattern. What ever your particulars, I know that you will feel terrible after it’s over.

No one likes yelling. No one feels terrific about him or herself after yelling at their mate. You might feel a little bit of release from the pent up anger, but I have never met a person who actually likes this behavior. Most people I meet are embarrassed about it. Why embarrassment? Because everyone who yells knows deep down inside that it’s wrong.

No one wins when someone yells. Every one feels terrible.

I worked with a couple recently. They were civil to each other inside the therapy room. But I got a glimpse of the kind of arguing they do when they are at the end of their rope. It’s as bad as it gets, each hurling the worst cursing insults at the other. They came to therapy a few times. But I never got the sense that they were really in it.

Sometimes people think that one, or two sessions will change things. If they don’t feel better they assume that the therapy isn’t working and then they might rationalize, “We can live with the situation here at home. It’s bad, but we can live with it.”

And they can. Each couple knows what they can handle. I just know that couples who learn about themselves and understand that they are fighting because their needs have not been met, are a lot happier in their relationships. I know that when couples allow the therapy to work they feel better. They figure out different ways to communicate and they eliminate the harmful dueling.

Some couples are looking for the magic answer. The answer doesn’t come from me, I know that the answers live inside each person in the relationship; all that’s needed is a guide.

Send me your comments at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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Are You Angry at Your Mate?

A lot of couples I work with are angry at their partner. Sometimes this anger has been building for a long time. When the couple finally gets into therapy they are so ready to explode and sometimes they just unleash on each other.

When this happens while I watch the fight I already know a couple of things. The first is that both are in a lot of pain. The second is that neither is getting their needs met and the louder and longer the argument, the greater the chance each person is feeling isolated in the relationship. When couples spend their time in a back and forth disagreeing state, that tells me they are spending less time in a state of togetherness.

The irony is that couples who live with this difficulty are desperate for closeness with each other, yet the arguing between them prevents exactly what they both want.

Top Five Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

Most people know what doesn’t work in a relationship. If you thought about it, you could probably come up with your own list and it might include; yelling, blaming, criticizing, and ignoring each other. I think we can all agree that any physical violence would definitely be a relationship killer too.

People know inside themselves what doesn’t work in a relationship. You can feel it. I think we all know whether our relationship is in a good place or not.

Relationship experts know there are certain behaviors that get in the way of good communication and trust. These behaviors, over time, will corrode the quality and strength of the bond between two people. Sometimes the thread between a couple has deteriorated over time and it’s just too hard to repair.

But for many relationships, repairing and strengthening is exactly what is needed.

So first, here are The Five Top Relationship Killers, according to John Gottman, PhD. The worst things you can do in a relationship are the following:

Criticize – We all do it, and it hurts. Just imagine what it feels like when someone criticizes you. It feels terrible. You might even feel bad, like you’ve done something wrong. This is a top relationship killer.

Contempt – If you’ve ever felt this you will not forget it. It feels as if the one you love hates you. If you have felt it toward your partner, they have felt your hate. It hurts deeply.

Defensiveness – It’s not uncommon to defend yourself against unkind words or accusations. It’s something many of us do to protect ourselves. But if we go immediately to a defensive posture every time we feel threatened there is little room for true communication. The relationship loses.

Stonewalling – Not communicating is a posture many of us find ourselves in also. In this position we just don’t talk. We keep our feelings stuffed inside ourselves and we don’t communicate them to our partner. We just block them out and go about our business… alone.

Blame – Sometimes when we accuse the other of something we might initially feel better, but blaming the other for things they did or did not do is a sure fire way of starting something even bigger between the two of you, and that may be really unpleasant.

If you are in a relationship chances are you may dip into the above positions. That’s pretty normal. If you live in them you probably are feeling pretty lousy about your relationship and could be helped by couples counseling.

For a quick guide to help couples get closer let’s explore the word “attune” which means “to bring into a harmonious or responsive relationship”.

Spelled out, here is your guide for closeness and understanding:

ATTUNE

A = Become aware of what you are feeling, especially if it is negative – This means you just look at what’s happening to you, that’s all, just get an idea of what you bring to the table.

T= Turn toward you partner, even if you are angry, don’t turn away and go upstairs and slam the door. Even when you are feeling your worst, turn toward you partner, don’t shut him or her out.

T= Remember to be Tolerant; there are at least two different opinions here, yours and your partner’s. Each of you is right. Take a step back to realize that both of you are here, not just you.

U= Understand where you partner is coming from. This part is hard if you are still wanting to get some relief from your partner because you got your feelings hurt or something, but it’s important to understand that each of you come from some place different and they are both valid.

N= Non-reactive responding. Don’t get upset when you talk. This is a hard one too because if you are still angry you may not be able to be calm and understanding and be able to listen without reacting. But if you can do it you are on your way to healing and connection.

E= Empathy, feeling your partners pain and other feelings. This is a wonderful place for a couple to be in. This is where you feel safe and you can say anything because you know your partner will listen and love you no matter what. This is the place where you feel accepted. When couples can get here, they pretty much can figure out the rest.

To improve our relationships, like anything else in life, it takes practice. It’s O.K. to try something new, especially when you realize the two of you could become happier.

Let me know what you think. Send me your comments. Let’s talk about it.

Research shows it’s not the fight that hurts the relationship…It’s how you fight that determines lasting effects

According to The New York Times Magazine, April 18, 2010, in an article that ponders the question, “Is marriage good for your health?” surprising studies show that people who fight are not in danger. The research shows it’s not the fight that determines whether the marriage is good for you and your partner. It doesn’t matter how difficult the argument or how angry the fight, what matters is whether the people fighting stay connected. That’s right, you have to tell you partner right in the middle of a fight that you still love them. You have to find a way to grab their hand or call him or her a pet name, and you have to do this right in the middle of the argument or fight.

If you can do this you will have a happy heart and not suffer from stress. When we argue without connection to our partner we put stress on our hearts and other parts of our body. We get all keyed up and mad, sometimes we even get hateful. The key, according to research, is to find a way to make a connection with the person we are fighting with, during the argument.

Usually couples will have it out with each other and then they’ll have to wait until all the energy inside them dies down so they can talk to each other again, talk about what happened and start some sort of repair process to reconnect. Research shows us that if you can find a way to get out of the anger for just a second and make an overture to your partner, a small gesture or a couple of loving words are all that’s needed, you will keep yourself from getting into that mad zone that takes so long to come back from.

Going there, the mad place, and staying there, is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body. Your body is now dealing with enormous amounts of energy. It’s all stored up inside each of you and it has to go somewhere. Maybe some of it get’s released through loud words said to each other, but chances are if you are yelling at the other person you are pretty amped up and those feelings are going to take some time to dissipate. It’s this period that has the most negative impact on your body; elevated stress hormones, elevated risk of diabetes, elevated risk of heart disease, immune system weakens, increased risk of depression, nasty stuff to keep inside yourself.

Why not think of this now, before the next blow up. Talk with your partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and discuss the damage you each are doing to yourselves when you get in prolonged arguments. Gain an understanding of the toxicity that fighting without connecting can produce.

Maybe you can come up with your special way of connecting before the argument begins. Why not create a safe word or a funny phrase, a physical gesture or make a silly face. Anything will work, as long as it brings the two of you close. The idea isn’t to end the argument or fight. The technique is designed to give the two of you a place away from the war zone. It doesn’t even have to last a long time. It just has to last a moment. If you can do this the research says you will be served by your relationship, instead of it feeling like a weight.

Send your comments to Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

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