All of us have the capacity to love our partners. And there are times when we do and feel so close to them. There are also times when we can’t feel any further away because we got our feelings hurt.
Couples Can Take Time to Grow Into Their Differences
Many of us in relationships vacillate between loving our mate and wishing they were different because the part that we don’t like keeps grating on us.
This is pretty common. Many of us wish we could design our partner to be just what we want so we can be completely comfortable. Some of us don’t even want to hear what they have to say because our needs are not getting met.
I believed this before I went to couples counseling with my husband to be. I thought if I didn’t like something then he needed to change it. But I learned listening to him in the counseling room that he had his own ideas of what the relationship should look like and low and behold, they were different than mine.
This was the first time I understood that there were two of us in the relationship, not just my wants, needs and desires. I had to grow my idea of my own comfort and allow him to become who he is in order for the relationship to survive.
Love Can Still Flourish Amidst Differences
This situation is understandable. Many of us grow up and are successful humans. We are individual and independent and we like what we like, think and feel. But mix this up with another human who probably has his or her own likes and dislikes and wishes and wants and the two of you are bound to have misunderstandings.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have the same thoughts. In fact it is impossible for the two of you to think the same way. Of course you can agree on things but that is very different then having the same exact thoughts.
So to summarize this situation I think it could help us to consider that all of us are running on two emotions. We love our mate, we get mad at our mate. Love we understand. Mad is really a secondary emotion, and it usually comes if we have been hurt by our mate or we are afraid of something.
Accepting Your Partner is Part of Loving and Caring
So in essence we alternate between our love actions and our hurt or fearful actions. Can you see this? If you can you are on your way to understanding your own human behavior.
And what I know about helping couples is that when in relationship with another person, we learn new skills. I know I did. I had to allow my partner to be himself, even if I wanted him to be different. And when I gave him more room to be, it allowed me to come from a more accepting place.
And that place is loving and caring. I invite you to care for your mate. You’re their love handle; decrease your fear and hurt. Know they are crazy about you, even when you get mad.
Need Some Help Relating?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. You both just might feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
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Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.