When One of Us Pushes and the Other Pulls Away


When One of Us Pushes and the Other Pulls Away

Sometimes in relationships there is a mixture of two people who respond in opposite directions when there is a problem. Some of us try and fix the problem or point it out and want to talk about it right away. Others may have a tendency to shut down when there is difficulty.

We Often Partner with People Who Respond to Challenges Differently From How We Do

A couple of people with different backgrounds will likely pair people who respond to conflict differently.

There is no problem with how we are individually wired. The problems come when we couple, because it is very common that whatever our pattern, we will couple with someone who is the opposite.

And when the person we’re with pulls in or pushes in the opposite direction we want to go, we may get frustrated, annoyed and angry. It just goes with the territory

And when the person we’re with goes in pulls in or pushes, in the opposite direction we want to go, we often get frustrated, annoyed and angry. It just goes with the territory. So, what can we do about it?

It Is Okay to Deal with Difficulty Differently From Your Mate

It's okay for you and your partner to respond to challenges in different ways.

First off, can someone change how you react to challenges? No. No one can change that. So, ask yourself, are you trying to change your mate because you don’t like the way they respond?

There is nothing wrong with trying to take care of problems. There is nothing wrong with staying quiet. Both serve a purpose. So, try and see that your mate isn’t doing anything that isn’t right for him or her. We come to earth with certain human skills and we live in them.

Understanding is the Key to Accepting Differences in How You Handle Challenges

Understanding is the key to developing tolerance and acceptance of how our partner deals with difficulties.

So, how can we get along? By understanding ourselves and our mates. That is a great way to begin. We love our partners, and our beloveds may not be wired like us. So, instead of trying to get them to be more like you, why not accept them as they are and learn them.

Just because someone is quiet and isn’t pushing doesn’t mean they don’t have thoughts. I know, I married a kind of quiet person. He has lots of thoughts, only he isn’t as verbal as me and doesn’t talk as much as me. Is there something wrong with him? Absolutely not.

Is there something wrong with me because I want to talk about things? No. This is how I am wired. So, if you understand that no one is doing anything to piss you off, then maybe you will ease a little on what you are or are not getting.

Learn What Your Partner Needs, Instead of Trying to Get Them to Be Like You

Talk and understand each other to best get a feel for how to handle your partner's responses to difficulty.

If you want information from someone who is not forthcoming, pushing that person does not get it. Learn how to give your partner more space and ask with complete kindness. This will help you partner feel more communicative.

If you come across heavy handed, think about saying the same thing only try and think about speaking it without emotionality. You might think of talking to a seven-year-old with kindness and clarity. I am not saying treat you mate like they are a seven-year-old, just use that method for getting your point across. It works.

All of us just want to get along with your mates. And part of being in connection is feeling like we can be ourselves. Learn your partner, and hopefully they will learn you. And when you do that there is a lot more room for each of you.


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'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

To learn how you and your partner can understand each other and make space for each other’s quirks, try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you get a better sense of what will work for each of you, helping you fight less and feel closer. Give it a read.

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