“My spouse blames me for everything,” is a concern people often bring in to couples counseling. Reflecting on why we’re unhappy can be helpful, as can reviewing an article like this with our loved one.
We humans are funny. We learn as individuals how to take care of ourselves. Most of us learn all the skills needed to become successful in our lives. Society teaches us basic bodily activities: eating, bathing, dressing, etc.. We learn the skills that help us with a career or trade.
We are even good at selecting a mate. But that’s where our skills end.
Why Is It My Spouse Blames Me For Everything?
When it comes to relationships or matters of the heart we act like the other is responsible for taking care of us. “What?” you might ask yourself? Well, think about it. You might blame your partner when you’re upset.
And if you aren’t a blamer, then you might silently expect your mate to do a whole lot more for you than they are doing right now.
We fall into these habits every time we get our feelings hurt. It doesn’t matter how big or small, we turn to our mate and wonder how they could do this to us.
Spouses Blame Each Other Because They See Responsibility Differently in Relationships
You see the contrast in how we operate in the world don’t you? In our professional side we are probably able to navigate situations and bypass difficulties that we would just step into in our relationship. Why is that?
If we have the outside skills for others, why can’t we find and use those skills with the one person that we love?
Part of this has to do with the idea that we can care for our own feelings instead of relying on our partner to do that for us. And this is a learned skill as well.
We Blame Each Other Because We’re Not Taught Self Care
We are NOT taught to take care of our own feelings. But we often learn that other people are responsible for hurting us and therefore must hear how they did what they did to us, or we suffer the slights from others knowing we didn’t do anything wrong but not able to talk about what happened to us.
These beliefs make us suffer. We suffer when we are unhappy. Well, all humans become unhappy. It is just part of the life we live. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes sad, etc. Feelings just happen. No we don’t like everything that happens to us.
I bet you don’t like everything that happens to you in work situations either, but you need your paycheck, so you don’t make a big fuss.
Taking Care of Our Own Feelings is the Key to Reducing Blame
But in a relationship, you do make a big fuss. Want to create something easier? Think about how you can take care of your own feelings, even when you get upset with your mate.
If you figure your feelings out, I am pretty sure your partner will follow suit and figure out theirs. It won’t happen right away—after all your habits were formed over the course of a lifetime. But eventually, as you consistently take care of yourself instead of getting mad at your mate, you will suffer less, and so will they.
Tired of Blame in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
Get a helping hand with reducing blame in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you better communicate your needs and for each of you to better take responsibility for individual contributions you make to your relationship. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.